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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 20/07/2021 18:38

Agree it wasn’t clear, but if reception finished 20 mins before the older one how was your DH not being looked out for by the 5yo/staff by that point??

uktrippin · 20/07/2021 18:38

"OP isn’t supposed to be bringing her 8yo out at all (they should be isolating) but she didn’t want to leave the child alone in a hot car today."

I know what she's supposed to do. She's not doing it though, only on hot days when it's better to send out an elderly stranger in the heat Confused

Why would she need to leave a child in the car?

The friend would bring the 5 year old to her and the 10 year old would use his legs. Pure cheeky fuckery

Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 18:39

@Wearywithteens

“Clinging onto the few people who agree isn't going to help your argument with your husband. Theyre wrong too.”

What bollocks. It’s internalised misogyny. If the roles were reversed, would ANY mother have just gormlessly followed instructions to pick a child up and not at least asked about the other one? No. The ‘you’re at fault’ pitchfork mob are laying the full weight of childcare responsibility and management at her door and yet…the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong? Guess which one gets arsey? Guess which one is burnt at the stake by other women for ‘not being clear’ to poor muddled menfolk?

Is the heat getting to you?

OP fucked up, didn't want to go out in the heat and didn't mention that she was cancelling the 5 year olds pick up!

Then accuses her husband of forgetting the child exists... harsh much?

TolkiensFallow · 20/07/2021 18:40

I think your husband should also have double checked though “don’t worry op, I’ll do the school run, how many kids am I picking up?”

FurryGiraffe · 20/07/2021 18:41

*“Clinging onto the few people who agree isn't going to help your argument with your husband. Theyre wrong too.”

What bollocks. It’s internalised misogyny. If the roles were reversed, would ANY mother have just gormlessly followed instructions to pick a child up and not at least asked about the other one? No. The ‘you’re at fault’ pitchfork mob are laying the full weight of childcare responsibility and management at her door and yet…the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong? Guess which one gets arsey? Guess which one is burnt at the stake by other women for ‘not being clear’ to poor muddled menfolk?*

This. I am trying (and failing) to imagine any mother of my acquaintance in your husband’s situation not checking about the 5 year old. I can’t. You just wouldn’t assume it was fine. Unless you’d explicitly been told “no need to pick up 5 yr old”, you would check.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 20/07/2021 18:42

@Cavagirl

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FIVE YEAR OLD??????
They must still be at school waiting to be picked up I guess 🙄
Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 18:43

@FurryGiraffe

*“Clinging onto the few people who agree isn't going to help your argument with your husband. Theyre wrong too.”

What bollocks. It’s internalised misogyny. If the roles were reversed, would ANY mother have just gormlessly followed instructions to pick a child up and not at least asked about the other one? No. The ‘you’re at fault’ pitchfork mob are laying the full weight of childcare responsibility and management at her door and yet…the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong? Guess which one gets arsey? Guess which one is burnt at the stake by other women for ‘not being clear’ to poor muddled menfolk?*

This. I am trying (and failing) to imagine any mother of my acquaintance in your husband’s situation not checking about the 5 year old. I can’t. You just wouldn’t assume it was fine. Unless you’d explicitly been told “no need to pick up 5 yr old”, you would check.

Or been told that the five year old coming out 20 mins earlier was sorted. So know need to leave work extra early.
sunlight81 · 20/07/2021 18:45

He offered to do the school run, he does the school run for 2 kids every week, why would this be different? Deffo not unreasonable.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 18:46

What bollocks. It’s internalised misogyny. If the roles were reversed, would ANY mother have just gormlessly followed instructions to pick a child up and not at least asked about the other one? No. The ‘you’re at fault’ pitchfork mob are laying the full weight of childcare responsibility and management at her door and yet…the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong? Guess which one gets arsey? Guess which one is burnt at the stake by other women for ‘not being clear’ to poor muddled menfolk?

I would if the other capable and responsible parent had intimated to me that that was sorted and I only needed to get the older one, yes. Ironically, I wouldn't if I were the parent generally carrying the mental load so assumed the other parent didn't know what they were doing.

I find it somewhat infantilizing to assume her description of the situation was wrong and second guess it.

BasinHaircut · 20/07/2021 18:47

Haven’t read all of the responses but I think this is a classic example of man vs woman logic.

Woman - assumes it’s obvious you aren’t going to inconvenience someone else by letting them collect your child from school when one of their actual parents are going to be there collecting the other child.

Man - she only told me to collect one child and I can’t be arsed to apply any critical thinking to the situation. Why would I bother, that’s women’s work.

m00rfarm · 20/07/2021 18:49

Well no need to worry as I am sure he will not be offering again.

Saracen · 20/07/2021 18:50

YABU, and so is he.

You weren't clear. But it should have occurred to him to wonder about the 5yo and make sure he knew who he was supposed to collect. He ought to show more initiative in a situation like this.

Caterinasballerinas · 20/07/2021 18:51

What sort of man doesn’t ask just out of interest and care what the 5yo is doing YANBU

Saracen · 20/07/2021 18:52

I mean, I bet if his boss had asked him to do one of two closely related tasks which are usually done together, he would have asked "do I need to do the other thing too?" but he just can't be bothered to keep track of household matters because he reckons you should do all the thinking for him.

Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 18:53

@Caterinasballerinas

What sort of man doesn’t ask just out of interest and care what the 5yo is doing YANBU
He now doesn't care about his child?

He knew what the 5 year old was doing, the OP told him they were sorted!

AGirlCalledJohnny · 20/07/2021 18:53

@ViceLikeBlip

I can't imagine going to school, picking up one child, and not even CHECKING that the other one was sorted? I honestly believe he just completely forgot all about him. It's never ever happened before that someone else has had to pick up the 5yo, we literally never do playdates after school or anything.
But that's our point, just because that's how you'd do it, you assumed your DH would do the same. I'm guessing 99% of the pickups are your gig. I've learned that unless I'm extremely specific something gets lost in the female to male translator.

TBH I've made somewhat of a rod for my own back, as now I get absolutely grilled on where he should go, when, earlier or later, and on and on.

Poor fecker was probably dead proud of himself too lol, and now feels really unappreciated. Not that he should! I'd be mad too but sure, look it, he's made a mistake. Thank him for leaving work early and ask him to double check next time if there is one

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 18:54

@Saracen

I mean, I bet if his boss had asked him to do one of two closely related tasks which are usually done together, he would have asked "do I need to do the other thing too?" but he just can't be bothered to keep track of household matters because he reckons you should do all the thinking for him.
Op was at home, he was at work.
AGirlCalledJohnny · 20/07/2021 18:55

Apologies ViceLikeBlip (great username btw!), I've no idea why you were quoted in my post. Please disregard!

NigellaSeed · 20/07/2021 18:56

Agree with DH but I like OPs attitude in the face of an aibu back lash.

refusetobeasheep · 20/07/2021 19:00

Agree with Nigella - I'm enjoying OP's response to all the YABUs. A refreshing change.

Wobbitcatcher · 20/07/2021 19:01

Well I’m on your side, you didn’t ask him to pick anyone up. You told him you didn’t have anyone for the 10 year old. Why would someone else pick up the 5 year old.

Also why is it all on you to make sure the kids are picked up. I assume they are his too!

This could easily happen with me and my husband

sleepylittlebunnies · 20/07/2021 19:02

If you live a distance from school then I’m surprised he’d expect someone else to pick 5yo up when he’s picking 10yr old up only 20 minutes later. I’d expect him to at least ask what you’d arranged for 5yo so he could save someone else the journey. I’d feel a bit miffed if I was the friend asked to pick up 5yo to then find their Dad picking 10yo up.

Luckily at our school they’ve staggered pick ups and kept the classes separate but if there are siblings they are picked up at the eldest child’s time slot.

Twoforthree · 20/07/2021 19:02

Nope team dh here. You were talking about the 10 year old.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 19:04

@NigellaSeed

Agree with DH but I like OPs attitude in the face of an aibu back lash.
Back lash?
househousehousefox · 20/07/2021 19:07

Don't know what everyone's on about. YANBU dh shouldn't expect someone else to pick up the 5yo when he's going to be there for the 10yo. I think its obvious that parents collect children together when they can and ask for help when they can't. Sorry OP, seems the mumsnet jury forgot their thinking caps today.