AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

[ViceLikeBlip]

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

@GreyhoundG1rl

If you were going to ask your dh to do the school run, why on earth did you make alternative arrangements for one of your kids? Of course it's all on you! I'd be bloody annoyed if I brought one of my neighbours kids home to discover their Dad had been at the school collecting their sibling.

No no no, you've got it the wrong way round- I think you actually agree with me! I sorted 5yo first, but then struggled sorting 10yo, hence scraping the barrel of an older neighbour whose number I didn't even have.

At THIS point husband says "don't worry, I can do it". And I thought the same as you- surely he wouldn't still expect someone else to pick up his 5yo when he's going to be at school anyway? So I assumed he'd get the 5yo as well, and I cancelled my friend. He assumed the 5yo was still sorted forgot 5yo even existed and only picked up 10yo.

You specifically asked him to pick up the 10-year-old. Now, perhaps he should have asked if you had arrangements for the 5-year-old, but honestly, as you phrased your message, I'd have almost certainly assumed that you did have arrangements for him/her.

@ViceLikeBlip

OK ok, I'm well and truly outnumbered, so I'll give it up. But I'm honestly really surprised that so many mums wouldn't bother to even check that their 5yo was sorted. And that so many people would happily let another mum put themselves out picking up their 5yo (and let's be honest- being asked to be responsible for someone else's 5yo is a bit of a PITA) when they, the actual parent, were going to the school anyway. Maybe it's because we live quite far from school, and most people assume a primary school "run" is just a 2-3 minute walk? Anyway, I'm over it. (and by 'over it' I mean "reminding myself this is mumsnet, and anyone who doesn't agree with me must be batshit")

what planet are you on?

When he said "I'll collect 10 year old" any normal person would respond "oh great if you're doing it then I'll cancel then plans for 5 year old and you get them too"

you don't just cancel and not tell him?!?!

I really feel for him here because this is NOT a miscommunication, this is entirely on you

@Flowers500

I genuinely cannot understand how anyone is trying to defend the OP here, it's not a miscommunication, the communication is VERY clear! You essentially told him you already had plans for the 5 year old BECAUSE YOU DID, but you then didn't bother to tell him you had CANCELLED these plans??

Me: I need you to buy ketchup for the hotdogs
Partner: buys ketchup
Me: WHY DIDN'T YOU ALSO BUY MUSTARD YOU STUPID BASTARD

I cannot believe you just referred to my most precious last born baby as "mustard". He's burger sauce through and through.

Seriously though, why would I still expect someone else to get my 5yo when their own actual father is going to be at the school?!

Yanbu

Did he ask about other child? No!
Did he engage his brain at all?

FFS such low expectations of the male of the species with regards to child care.

@BlackeyedSusan

Yanbu

Did he ask about other child? No!
Did he engage his brain at all?

FFS such low expectations of the male of the species with regards to child care.

who said anything about "male" apart from you? Quite a few of us MOTHERS - so female last time I checked - disagree with the OP.

It's not about "engaging brain" but expecting a mind-reader is ridiculous.

@ViceLikeBlip

I can't imagine going to school, picking up one child, and not even CHECKING that the other one was sorted? I honestly believe he just completely forgot all about him. It's never ever happened before that someone else has had to pick up the 5yo, we literally never do playdates after school or anything.

Because he doesn't carry the mental load.

He should have checked with you.

You didn't mak

You didn't make it clear, therefore you are being unreasonable. However, he could've asked "should I pick up both kids"

@ViceLikeBlip

But he wasn't going to be at the school.
He was leaving his work early to be at the achool for the finishing time of the oldest. He wasn't going to be at the school 20 minutes before that.

If you needed him to be there 20 minutes earlier, then you needed to tell him to collect both kids.

Why would he leave work an EXTRA 20 minutes early if someone else was already dropping the youngest one at home? It makes no sense.

You needed to tell him.

He did exactly what you asked.

Look, if I text my kid's dad to say, "Could you get X a new mouth guard. His broke and he needs it for the game tomorrow" and he replied, "Yes. But what about Y?" Then my response would be "If x needed it too then I would have said."

Same for everything else. Neither of us need to he micro managed. If we ask for something, or give an instruction, then we don't need to be questioned on it. We give each other all the info needed when we ask for something, and the other just does it. Because we're both adults.

But I bet he thought this was him doing you a favour not you know actually parenting his children. I would be furious.
Bit rich, given that he willingly left work to do it when op asked?

He should have checked with you.

Why when he had been specifically told by the OP that she needed someone to pick up the 10 year old?

I can see your DH’s point. You’d told him you only needed your eldest picked up. So he assumed it was only the eldest who needed to be picked up.

My DH would have said I’ll get them both, he’d have checked about the younger child himself with me during our phone call.

It’s odd neither of you mentioned your youngest child, you assuming your DH would pick them both up despite telling him you only needed your older child picked up and him not bothering to ask why only one child.

Don’t understand why he’s angry at you. If it’s your fault it’s also his fault for not asking about his youngest.

YANBU at all! At the very least he should've sent you a message checking/confirming 5Yo pick up. You arranged everything, then got the relief of DH being available but he doesn't bother checking on all his children at school. FFS.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

It may have been OP's fault but then I don't know why everyone is letting the DP off for it not even crossing his mind to ask about his own youngest child. It means the OP has to do all the thinking for him, the poor lamb. FFS To check i was on the right track. I ran this past my own DH... who laughed and said "I thought I was bad" ... so officially OP YANBU because he reasoned that if he was collecting it would save using up an emergency favour from another mum, as we both knew we needed to keep these in reserve.

As I said up thread, he was jumping straight in the car to get the other child. It's obviously normal for them to get help from other mum's, they are seperate pick up times, and OP has mentioned concern about the heat lots of times. Lots of reasons for him not to be assume she must have meant both of them. She specifically said the ten year old. She doesn't have to do the thinking for him, but on this occasion it sounds like she didn't do the thinking for herself.

Your msg does imply that only one needed collected, however I would expect the picker upper to clarify this. I wouldn't just make assumptions with something as important as my children, I would be double checking for sure.

Totally your fault OP

When he said "I'll collect 10 year old" any normal person would respond "oh great if you're doing it then I'll cancel then plans for 5 year old and you get them too"
you don't just cancel and not tell him?!?!
I really feel for him here because this is NOT a miscommunication, this is entirely on you

This.
Particularly as the 5 year old finished twenty minutes earlier. Of course he assumed you'd made alternative arrangements.
It's baffling that you can't see where things went wrong, op.

Am I the ONLY PERSON on the planet who would have asked do you want me to get ds2 at the same time?

I was with you 100% in your first paragraph and even had a snigger. But you lost me completely when he said he'd pick up the 10yo and you never said, if you're doing that will you pick up the 5yo as well. If you'd told me you were looking for someone to pick up Bill, I'd assume Ben was having a good time with someone else.

It was definitely a case of miscommunication, and I think you both contributed to it. But overall I think this was mainly your fault because you specifically asked him to pick up the 10 year old, not both kids. Personally if I had been him I would have checked with you - "What about 5 year old? Should I get him too or are there other arrangements?" But I would have assumed that you would have mentioned it if you were expecting me to get him too.

Do you seriously believe that he actually literally forgot he had a 5 year old? If that's the case I think you have bigger issues in your marriage/parenting than this one incident.

I find it hard to understand why he wouldn't think to check with you.

I would assume that if I am picking up one child then I would pick up the other because it would make no sense to ask a neighbour to pick one of them up when he is going up the school anyway. If he thought that one child was having a play date, surely you ask to make sure?

Your message OP wasn't particularly clear, but I would have expected him to engage his brain a little too.

@Theunamedcat

Am I the ONLY PERSON on the planet who would have asked do you want me to get ds2 at the same time?

Seems so. 😁

@Theunamedcat

Am I the ONLY PERSON on the planet who would have asked do you want me to get ds2 at the same time?

It wasn't the same time. They have different finish times, and he'd just agreed to be at the gates for the later one

@Theunamedcat

Am I the ONLY PERSON on the planet who would have asked do you want me to get ds2 at the same time?

No, I think most of us have said that we would have asked that just to be clear. But that doesn't mean that her husband was in the wrong for not asking.