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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
iolaus · 20/07/2021 17:38

Normally I'd have said its obvious he needed to pick both kids up - but you specifically told him just to pick up one

Sweettea1 · 20/07/2021 17:39

You told him 10 year old needs picking up and since they finish at different times am not surprised he never got younger 1.

PeskyRooks · 20/07/2021 17:40

I suspect that what happened was as DH was leaving school with the 10yo a teacher chased him calling out 'Mr Blip! What about 5yo?!' So that would've made it look to the teacher that he forgot one of his children how embarrassing! So that's why he's so very angry.
But for what it's worth I also thought you only meant 10yo!

mindutopia · 20/07/2021 17:41

I can see how he possibly assumed that someone else was picking up 5 y/o because it was pre-arranged (I'd see it as sort of a playdate), but obviously any sensible person would have checked. If dh asked me to pick up one of the dh because he wasn't available (our dc are not in the same school, so it's two different locations), I would assume it's possible he also needed me to pick up the other, so I'd always ask. But I think it was a bit unclear on both parts who was supposed to do what.

custardbear · 20/07/2021 17:41

Sorry but you should have followed up with 'ok collect both and I'll tell friend to not bother collecting as you'll get both'
You did only mention 10 year old so I'd assume too that 5yo had some other plans

Saoirse82 · 20/07/2021 17:41

Lack of communication, I wouldn't have thought it was particularly anyones fault. You should have told him to pick up the 5 year old and because you didn't he should have asked. Youre at fault for not mentioning 5 year old, but he's to blame as well because you'd imagine most people would have asked if you didn't mention collecting her. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding.

Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 17:42

@diddl

I think it's odd he didn't check.

But by the time he got there for the 10yr old the 5yr old had already been waiting for 20mins?

At the same school?

Hadn't anyone been contacted so that they could have been collected together?

Or have I misunderstood?

I got the phone call asking who was collecting 5yo and then quickly phone husband, who was just walking out the gates. So he just turned round and got them. I think he was mostly embarrassed that he ended up being the "teacher facing" parent in the whole situation. Reception kid wouldn't be allowed to go and wait with yr5 because of bubbles- I've already asked exactly this before, as it would solve quite a few of my isolation headaches 🙄
OP posts:
Whiskycav · 20/07/2021 17:42

I mean I think it was mis communication. Like others, I would have though 5 year old was sorted.

But I have to say I think you are one of my favourite OPS. Your responses are amazing Grin

me4real · 20/07/2021 17:43

YABU I think. He might've thought that you still planned for the other person to pick up one of the kids, as that was the original plan.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 20/07/2021 17:46

I'm with your husband too, sorry.

Had I had that conversation with my husband (and its certainly the sort of conversation I might have had as we have kids at different schools with different finish times) I would have asked him if he was able to pick up the 5 yo at an earlier time too.

It would go "no problem I'll finish work early" me - "can you finish early enough to pick 5 yo up too or should I keep xx to pick child up?"

Etceteraaah · 20/07/2021 17:46

It's just bad communication on both your parts tbh. Your message sounded like the 5 year old had other plans after school and your dh didn't need to worry about picking him up, so you should have clarified that your dh needed to pick up both kids. But likewise, your dh should have asked after the 5 year old and checked what the arrangements for him were.

I can see why you're both annoyed with each other but you're both equally to blame. Still, at least you're only 50% in the wrong and your dh needs to accept the other 50% of the blame 🤣

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 17:47

If you were going to ask your dh to do the school run, why on earth did you make alternative arrangements for one of your kids?
Of course it's all on you!
I'd be bloody annoyed if I brought one of my neighbours kids home to discover their Dad had been at the school collecting their sibling.

MyriadeOfThings · 20/07/2021 17:47

I think he should have asked.

What happens here (and so are all the posters that are telling you you are at fault) is that picking children from school is YOUR responsibility and yours only.
So him going to pick up the older one is a FAVOUR and if anything else needs doing, you have to tell him/ask him about it.

Imo the difficult issue is that, if you are the one and only person responsible then yes it makes sense for you to remind him.
But if you automatically remind him, why on Earth would he take some responsibility for it??

Personally , i would have reminded DH that we are BOTH responsible for picking the dcs up from school, even if I do it most of the time.
He knew I couldn’t do it today so it was BOTH our responsibility to organise pick up etc… and he should have asked what was the plan for the youngest one.

Starhaf · 20/07/2021 17:47

I would have assumed from your message it was just the 10 year old who needed to be picked up & that you'd made other arrangements for the younger child.
Your DH could have checked with you though!

50/50 at best sorry OP

Hadjab · 20/07/2021 17:48

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

He should have double checked. You should have said it's both. By only mentioning the ten year old and given the 20 minute difference, I can see how the miscommunication could have happened. He's being an arse about it though.
How is he being an arse? If anyone is, it’s OP. At no point did she mention the 5yo needed picking up, in fact her message made it sound as though that was all sorted!
MyriadeOfThings · 20/07/2021 17:50

I think he was mostly embarrassed that he ended up being the "teacher facing" parent in the whole situation.

Ha yes that’s the issue isn’t it? Especially as I suspect said teacher had the same reaction than some of the dcs teachers, aka assuming it’s the dad that is useless again…
(And tbh yes I hate that sort of assumption too!)

Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 17:50

OK ok, I'm well and truly outnumbered, so I'll give it up. But I'm honestly really surprised that so many mums wouldn't bother to even check that their 5yo was sorted. And that so many people would happily let another mum put themselves out picking up their 5yo (and let's be honest- being asked to be responsible for someone else's 5yo is a bit of a PITA) when they, the actual parent, were going to the school anyway. Maybe it's because we live quite far from school, and most people assume a primary school "run" is just a 2-3 minute walk? Anyway, I'm over it. (and by 'over it' I mean "reminding myself this is mumsnet, and anyone who doesn't agree with me must be batshit")

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 20/07/2021 17:51

I think he should have asked whether he may as well pick up the 5 year old or at least who is picking up the 5 year old.

But I bet he thought this was him doing you a favour not you know actually parenting his children. I would be furious.

PeskyRooks · 20/07/2021 17:51

I also think if you'd had this conversation over the phone instead of by text the misunderstanding wouldn't have happened, appreciate this is not always practical though.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2021 17:52

It may have been OP's fault but then I don't know why everyone is letting the DP off for it not even crossing his mind to ask about his own youngest child. It means the OP has to do all the thinking for him, the poor lamb. FFS
To check i was on the right track. I ran this past my own DH... who laughed and said "I thought I was bad" ... so officially OP YANBU because he reasoned that if he was collecting it would save using up an emergency favour from another mum, as we both knew we needed to keep these in reserve.

PrincessNymeria · 20/07/2021 17:53

To me, it would seem obvious that someone else wouldn't need to pick the 5yo, when I would be there anyway, and going home anyway. I probably would have the checked the other person knew it was no longer necessary. I'd be baffled/miffed if I were the other picker upper, and saw one of the childs parents turning up for their other kid, and taking them straight home. I'd be thinking "what was the point of me collecting this one?". It sounds like he didn't think to factor in the 5yo, she was sorted in his mind, even if it was in a now illogical way. I can see why you'd get frustrated at it not occurring to him, he could just pick up the 5yo too, and that the arrangement should be changed.

BackAwayFatty · 20/07/2021 17:53

Not read all the other posters but I'm on your side. Why would you still have someone help out with the 5yo when he was going! Yes you could have mentioned the pick up was cancelled but he could also have asked!

PrincessNymeria · 20/07/2021 17:55

I probably would have the checked

NotSorry · 20/07/2021 17:55

YANBU OP - it's bloody ridiculous he didn't check with you

Flowers500 · 20/07/2021 17:56

I genuinely cannot understand how anyone is trying to defend the OP here, it's not a miscommunication, the communication is VERY clear! You essentially told him you already had plans for the 5 year old BECAUSE YOU DID, but you then didn't bother to tell him you had CANCELLED these plans??

Me: I need you to buy ketchup for the hotdogs
Partner: buys ketchup
Me: WHY DIDN'T YOU ALSO BUY MUSTARD YOU STUPID BASTARD