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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 sibling just given a house

395 replies

canary1 · 20/07/2021 07:40

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

OP posts:
Rosieandjim04 · 20/07/2021 13:31

My PILs did the same thing bought BIL a 5 bed detached house because they had 3 kids and no money . We have 1 and didn't get anything and PILs ask my OH who now has a very high paying job to give them money when we are still living in an ex local authority house and still haven't moved to the dream home!!

Horehound · 20/07/2021 13:33

@Rosieandjim04 I hope he said no?!

ScrollingLeaves · 20/07/2021 13:41

OP I have just read your update that your sister already was helped to get somewhere to live, and didn’t need to use equity to pay back any of the loan as you and another sibling did. Also that she has a good professional job. So she didn’t even need extra help unfair or otherwise.

I do not think you are being unreasonable feeling as you do. I think that even if all you have to give your children are four stainless steel tea spoons, the children would like one each, as they represent the parents’ love - except when one child has exceptional needs.

But I think this sort of behaviour happens.

Horehound · 20/07/2021 13:43

Maybe they give her this house but she doesn't get a cut of the current house they have and that goes to you and your other sibling?

maddiemookins16mum · 20/07/2021 13:56

@CounsellorTroi

That sibling is single, in early 40s, no kids. I presume she spends a lot of time with them, and has no other commitments beyond her job.

Right, so it’s the childless single sibling that spends the most time with them who is getting the house?

Yep. The one that no doubt does all the running around, will no doubt end up caring for them into her dotage and obvs because she’s ‘single/childless’ has no life.
EKGEMS · 20/07/2021 14:17

My parents played favorites with my three siblings and myself. Ironically the two who were most favored and assisted with cash the most have been the least successful. I've never asked for or taken cash or childcare from them. It hurts when myself and my husband get fuck all for birthdays or christmases when we used to get token gifts of cash. My son has a significant birthday soon and if he gets zero from them it'll be nearly impossible to not say anything to them ! I'm sorry you've experienced this pain but unfortunately you can't pick your family.

Greeneyedminx · 20/07/2021 15:27

I am one of 3 children, when my DF was sorting out his will after my DM died, he stated he would leave his house and money to my brother as my sister and I were married and had husbands to support us.
My brother has never cared or done anything in his life to help either of my parents at any time, usually visits once a year or so.
My sister then turned around to our DF and said that’s fine, that’s your prerogative, but I will never set foot in your house ever again.
Either treat all your children as equals, or get DB to do all the running around, shopping, cleaning, taking DF to hospital appointments etc etc, that we do, and see how you get on in the future.
Needless to say, he did have a re-think about the equality of men and women , and when he died, everything was split equally 3 ways, which is how my DS and I have made our wills for our children.
My DB was also left everything from my father’s mother when she died, as girls apparently don’t need money!!!! This money was spent on cars and holidays and had gone within a year. My sister and I got a £10 postal order each !!!!!!

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 15:41

@Horehound

Maybe they give her this house but she doesn't get a cut of the current house they have and that goes to you and your other sibling?
I thought the same, plus any money they leave. It may well work out all right in the end.

For all we know she may look after her parents when they need it. She is single with a good job but no children to oversee her care when she gets old, I daresay the parents have thought about that. The op lives abroad, I don't know about the other sibling.

sadperson16 · 20/07/2021 16:12

A lot of " issues" have come out in recent years and good, if it helps people but this one is thoroughly hidden and incomprehensible unless you go through it yourself.

It is particularly incomprehensible if you are a parent because it is a plain as the nose on your face that your children ar beloved and of equal merit , no matter what.

billy1966 · 20/07/2021 16:24

@Greeneyedminx

I am one of 3 children, when my DF was sorting out his will after my DM died, he stated he would leave his house and money to my brother as my sister and I were married and had husbands to support us. My brother has never cared or done anything in his life to help either of my parents at any time, usually visits once a year or so. My sister then turned around to our DF and said that’s fine, that’s your prerogative, but I will never set foot in your house ever again. Either treat all your children as equals, or get DB to do all the running around, shopping, cleaning, taking DF to hospital appointments etc etc, that we do, and see how you get on in the future. Needless to say, he did have a re-think about the equality of men and women , and when he died, everything was split equally 3 ways, which is how my DS and I have made our wills for our children. My DB was also left everything from my father’s mother when she died, as girls apparently don’t need money!!!! This money was spent on cars and holidays and had gone within a year. My sister and I got a £10 postal order each !!!!!!
Well done to your sister.

Only a mug would continuing running around for someone who thought so little of her.

Scrumbleton · 20/07/2021 17:45

My parents bought my sister a house many years ago and helped refurbish it. I didn’t resent it as I my DH and I were doing well professionally and my DS was single and scraping by. She also lived in a much cheaper place than me. Some years later they gave my brother money to help with renovating his house. Again I wasn’t too bothered. I’m the oldest and always earned more. I just hoped that if there was an inheritance it would be equal. Fast forward 15 years and I was broke, a single mum and then I received some very generous support. So my parents helped when they saw a need. Inheritances we’re also pretty even .

CreditC0urageCad · 20/07/2021 18:13

I haven't read all the pages

Surely, it better to have someone in the property, than let it sit empty ?
What a waste of an asset

Violinist64 · 20/07/2021 18:47

@canary1

I’ll certainly take some space ( not difficult in another country!) and. Not pander to any of the guilt trips about living here or not visiting all the time ( which was a feature pre- Covid)

Thank you all for your thoughts and insights xx

I think you have hit the nail on the head here. You are very independent and have forged a new life in a different country. Although it is very hurtful in the way it has been done it does sound as if it is a two edged sword to keep your sister close for their old age.
Yoksha · 20/07/2021 18:54

@Scrumbleton..... this post cheered me up. An experience of fairness.

sadperson16 · 20/07/2021 19:01

Well great @Scrumbleton and I'm all for fairness and things moving in mysterious ways.
But thats not the case for everybody.

thenewduchessofhastings · 20/07/2021 19:22

They should sell it and split it equally between all 4 of you (you said there was 3 siblings snubbed here),

I hate favouritism;it's so damaging as both children and adults.

emilylily · 20/07/2021 19:34

That sounds very hurtful and feeling like your parents love your sibling more than you must be awful.

To reframe it- could it be that your parents feel very sorry for your sister for being single in her 40s? For only having her income and not hers and a spouse/partner's income? For being childless and alone? Do you think maybe they feel more like she's still their child, whilst you're a grown woman (regardless of your age) with a family of your own?

emilylily · 20/07/2021 19:35

Also could they be leaving you a large sum in their wills? and giving your sister her inheritance now?

optimistic40 · 20/07/2021 19:36

I don't know. I will go on to check the full thread, but could understand if your sibling is struggling financially. I couldn't leave one child struggling for a home. Also, they might have plans to "even things out" for future.

ScrollingLeaves · 21/07/2021 00:55

It probably is, as some have suggested, that she lives close to them, spends time with them, helps them out, and will end up caring for them. And that see her as having no family and marital support of her own.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 21/07/2021 05:44

@Rosieandjim04

My PILs did the same thing bought BIL a 5 bed detached house because they had 3 kids and no money . We have 1 and didn't get anything and PILs ask my OH who now has a very high paying job to give them money when we are still living in an ex local authority house and still haven't moved to the dream home!!
Why do they ask your DH for money if they can afford to buy someone else a 5 bed house?
Illogicalmadness · 21/07/2021 06:05

I'd casually mention to your parents that you hope they've put the house into a trust to protect it from going to your sister's future partner if the relationship broke down. I wouldn't mention anything about the unfairness of the situation but advise them they need to ringfence their property. Go on about have they considered after death tax implications etc. Once they realise somebody unrelated might have a claim on their property , they might change their minds. If they ask you what they should do then say the property should be put in trust/left equally between all the siblings.

Howdidigetsoold · 21/07/2021 07:59

@canary1 have you spoken to your parents yet?

I hope they are not being so unfair to the other 3 siblings

Original poster
canary1 · 21/07/2021 08:14

I’ve not spoken to them yet. It feels weird that neither the sibling in question nor them have ever mentioned this though we have speak often. I’m still in an upset state and might not call them for a bit.

But yes, me and other 2 siblings are all equally left out of this.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 21/07/2021 09:21

I am the parent who did this. I inherited a house from my parents, about one block away from my home. I have two daughters. DD1 went to university (paid by me) has a good career, a hard-working husband and one child. They make good money -- have bought and sold four houses in 20 years, and own a boat, an RV and a lakeside site for camping.
DD2 barely finished secondary. She was into drugs and alcohol. Had a baby at 19 who was adopted by me and raised by me and is going to university (paid for by me).
DD2 finally got into rehab. She has been clean and sober for five years. She has a job and is doing well. I let her move into her grandparents' house rent free. She just paid the monthly bills. She lives alone (age 40) except for her dogs. She is twenty years behind her sister and will never have the education or earning potential of her sister or her son. I am 71 years old. I worry that she could end up homeless. Another covid epidemic or an economic depression.
Her sister would not help her and her son will someday have his own family to support. So, I gave her the house. No mortgage. At least she will have a roof over her head, and could rent out a room for income.
It's not that she is the Golden Child. It is so I can die easier, not worrying about her being safe and secure. I do have insurance policies so all my children and grandchildren will get some inheritance, but I only had the one extra house so it goes to the one who has no house.