1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

Perhaps they think the rest of you have partners to help them out financially?

Left out of this, ie not having a share of the house which is being given to your single sister. However you don't know what they have left you in their will, or their grandchildren (when your sister dies she may leave everything to her nieces and nephews).

She lives nearby and is in constant contact with your parents, may well care for them or manage their care if and when they need it; you are abroad and have your own family.

Let it go. When your parents die you may get a nice surprise. There's nothing you can do about it anyway and feeling resentful is not helpful, it eats away at you.

I'm surprised no one moved into this empty house sooner.

Maybe she's just moved in but doesn't actually own it.

It's better off having someone in it so it doesn't rot away.

I'd be fuming and be straight on the phone to my parents to find out what's what.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am the parent who did this. I inherited a house from my parents, about one block away from my home. I have two daughters. DD1 went to university (paid by me) has a good career, a hard-working husband and one child. They make good money -- have bought and sold four houses in 20 years, and own a boat, an RV and a lakeside site for camping. DD2 barely finished secondary. She was into drugs and alcohol. Had a baby at 19 who was adopted by me and raised by me and is going to university (paid for by me). DD2 finally got into rehab. She has been clean and sober for five years. She has a job and is doing well. I let her move into her grandparents' house rent free. She just paid the monthly bills. She lives alone (age 40) except for her dogs. She is twenty years behind her sister and will never have the education or earning potential of her sister or her son. I am 71 years old. I worry that she could end up homeless. Another covid epidemic or an economic depression. Her sister would not help her and her son will someday have his own family to support. So, I gave her the house. No mortgage. At least she will have a roof over her head, and could rent out a room for income. It's not that she is the Golden Child. It is so I can die easier, not worrying about her being safe and secure. I do have insurance policies so all my children and grandchildren will get some inheritance, but I only had the one extra house so it goes to the one who has no house.

Presumably both daughters were given the same start in life but you're rewarding the one who made all the wrong choices and punishing the one who's worked her arse off her whole life.

Nice.

I think everyone should be consulted before parents just give a spare house to one sibling.

The other siblings will feel less valued and unloved whether they have more money or not.

It's just not fair and that's that.

I think you did the right thing, FightingtheFoo. You did very well by your first daughter, your second one was more vulnerable and had greater needs but - she is fine now, thank goodness. That's quite an achievement.

I've no doubt you will leave your elder daughter something. Presumably you have your own house that you live in.

Just reading your explanation Fightingthefoo. It’s more understandable than the situation my family are in. I don’t own my house, the bank does, I will have a mortgage for the next 30 years. My sister has a property already, mortgaged like me, but is given this one mortgage free. She has excellent earning capacity, certainly as good as if not better than me.

I’m not keen on speaking to them at all, as it’s a huge thing they actively chose not to mention n our many telephone and video calls. They and my sister chose to neglect to mention it! I’ve little interest in communicating with any of them any time soon.

I think the key issue here is the lack of communication. The fact that it is secretive and you are having to guess at the reasons for it. Communication is so important in families.

By the way, people saying that if you’re married with good jobs then everything is rosy and you’re set up for the future, that’s crazy as anything could happen! People lose their jobs, divorce, have health problems etc. Communication around all of this is what was missing and what has caused the resentment

“GeorgiaGirl52

I am the parent who did this. I inherited a house from my parents, about one block away from my home. I have two daughters. DD1 went to university (paid by me) has a good career, a hard-working husband and one child. They make good money -- have bought and sold four houses in 20 years, and own a boat, an RV and a lakeside site for camping.
DD2 barely finished secondary. She was into drugs and alcohol. Had a baby at 19 who was adopted by me and raised by me and is going to university (paid for by me).
DD2 finally got into rehab. She has been clean and sober for five years. She has a job and is doing well. I let her move into her grandparents' house rent free. She just paid the monthly bills. She lives alone (age 40) except for her dogs. She is twenty years behind her sister and will never have the education or earning potential of her sister or her son. I am 71 years old. I worry that she could end up homeless. Another covid epidemic or an economic depression.
Her sister would not help her and her son will someday have his own family to support. So, I gave her the house. No mortgage. At least she will have a roof over her head, and could rent out a room for income.
It's not that she is the Golden Child. It is so I can die easier, not worrying about her being safe and secure. I do have insurance policies so all my children and grandchildren will get some inheritance, but I only had the one extra house so it goes to the one who has no house.”

GeorgiaGirl52
I can understand your thinking in choosing this, but I wondered if you discussed this openly with your other daughter first? If you had, chances are she would have understood and agreed with you. I think the unhappiness comes about when no account is taken of the other children’s feelings of belonging to their parent no matter how much better off they are than their sibling. I also think that openly discussing it first means the sibling will not be personally blamed later.

It is not relevant to the thread, but do you have any idea why everything was so much more difficult for the daughter you gave your other house too?

@GeorgiaGirl52, thank you for sharing this. It is helpful.
I can just about understand it.
The thing in my case is the disparity between me and my sibling is not my fault, choices were made.
Also, I would have happily factored this disparity in and ( if you like) done a deal massively in his favour.
I would like to have been treated as an equal and a person with some value.

@Maggiesfarm

I think you did the right thing, FightingtheFoo. You did very well by your first daughter, your second one was more vulnerable and had greater needs but - she is fine now, thank goodness. That's quite an achievement.

I've no doubt you will leave your elder daughter something. Presumably you have your own house that you live in.

I meant to address the above post to GeorgiaGirl, sorry.

By the way, people saying that if you’re married with good jobs then everything is rosy and you’re set up for the future, that’s crazy as anything could happen! People lose their jobs, divorce, have health problems etc. Communication around all of this is what was missing and what has caused the resentment

These things, bar divorce could also happen to the sibling getting the house, and she would be in a more vulnerable position if they did, with a mortgage but no partner.

“AlfonsoTheMango

@ScrollingLeaves - that was lovely. My best to you and your family.”

@AlfonsoTheMango it wasn’t my family but GeorgiaGirl52’s. I was just commenting and asking about her reasoning in giving one (vulnerable) daughter a house but not the other (capable and secure) one.

“Sadperson16
The thing in my case is the disparity between me and my sibling is not my fault, choices were made.“

I understand what you mean. It is a bit like the Story of the Prodigal Son which I sort of understand is fair when God is speaking but find more difficult to accept as a mere mortal trying one’s best dutiful.

Argh. I have asked to have my post withdrawn as I addressed it to the wrong poster. My apologies.

I should have said to @GeorgiaGirl52 that what she did was lovely.

Presumably both daughters were given the same start in life but you're rewarding the one who made all the wrong choices and punishing the one who's worked her arse off her whole life.

Obviously only that poster can answer whether they truly had the same start in life. It's possible, but when two siblings have such vastly different life outcomes, there is usually some sort of reason for it.

I dont get what God was trying to say either,along with the parable of the talents.

GeorgiaGirl52 so one daughter did well and another got into drink and drugs and she gets your parents house? Not sure I would have handed over an addict a home. Without putting a safe guard around it. What if she relapsed, sells the house and ends up homeless anyway. I wouldn’t be happy if I was your other dC, work hard and get told well your sister needs it more. What if your ‘doing well’ DD gets ill, what if she has to stop work, what if she gets a divorce and is left financially in a mess. You haven’t considered anything else or put safeguards for anyone apart from one DC.

@AlfonsoTheMango

Argh. I have asked to have my post withdrawn as I addressed it to the wrong poster. My apologies.

I should have said to @GeorgiaGirl52 that what she did was lovely.

I did the same. GeorgiaGirl was quoted and I addressed post to person who quoted her - but alls well that ends well.

Yes, what GeorgiaGirl did was lovely.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am the parent who did this. I inherited a house from my parents, about one block away from my home. I have two daughters. DD1 went to university (paid by me) has a good career, a hard-working husband and one child. They make good money -- have bought and sold four houses in 20 years, and own a boat, an RV and a lakeside site for camping. DD2 barely finished secondary. She was into drugs and alcohol. Had a baby at 19 who was adopted by me and raised by me and is going to university (paid for by me). DD2 finally got into rehab. She has been clean and sober for five years. She has a job and is doing well. I let her move into her grandparents' house rent free. She just paid the monthly bills. She lives alone (age 40) except for her dogs. She is twenty years behind her sister and will never have the education or earning potential of her sister or her son. I am 71 years old. I worry that she could end up homeless. Another covid epidemic or an economic depression. Her sister would not help her and her son will someday have his own family to support. So, I gave her the house. No mortgage. At least she will have a roof over her head, and could rent out a room for income. It's not that she is the Golden Child. It is so I can die easier, not worrying about her being safe and secure. I do have insurance policies so all my children and grandchildren will get some inheritance, but I only had the one extra house so it goes to the one who has no house.

I understand why you did this but I hope you discussed it with your other daughter. However logical your decision was it is still the type of thing that can cause a huge amount of upset. Maybe your other daughter is ok with it but maybe she isn’t. She might think you are rewarding your other daughter for being lazy and making bad selfish decisions. If I were in that situation I would still try and make things fair. Maybe I’d have sold the house and bought the troubled daughter a cheaper flat. You don’t know what might happen to your successful daughter in the future.

That’s awful, and very unfair, I’m sorry OP.

In due course I would ask them, to their faces, why they did it, and tell them you think it’s favoritism. Unless your sibling can’t work through illness or something, or you’re a millionaire, then it’s very unfair to do this.

What struck me in GeordieGirl's story is that the well off sister wouldn't help her sibling. She may have had good reasons - perhaps she was worried about funding an addict - but I think the reason is relevant. She sounds like she isn't just comfortable, but pretty wealthy.

I suppose you dont know the set up. Perhaps they have granted her the property for as long as she is alive then it's to be divided amongst grandchildren. Unless you have an discussion with your parents then you wont know.