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AIBU?

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Original poster

1 sibling just given a house

395 replies

canary1 · 20/07/2021 07:40

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 20/07/2021 12:29

@canary1

I know plenty about my sibling, but no, I wouldn’t know why she’s never had a boyfriend. If I asked her, she would take great offence. Not sure why Hadjab you think that specific issue leads you to think I don’t know much about her or that she deserves now a house. There’s no health issue. She’s in a good professional career and as mentioned already has a property, which she has a mortgage on, the same as the rest of us.
It's rarely just about the money, though. It's about what the money represents.

If she really has been groomed her whole life to be prepared for being their carer, then it's a compensation for not having her own life and/or a way of creating an obligation, both in her and in the other siblings who decide that since she's getting the house, she can do the future care. It's not about health or wealth.

youngandbroken · 20/07/2021 12:29

YANBU to be angry about this, it is very unfair on the face of it. My mum has done something similar (although not as big as a house because she doesn't even own a house herself anymore thanks to years of debt). She gave my eldest a car and spoils my little brother rotten while I have never asked for any help and will never receive any, as far as I am aware I am also not written into her will at all whereas my brother and sister are (sadly all they are likely to actually inherit are her debts and so this doesn't actually bother me). It is a hard pill to swallow but I am not angry at my siblings for the way my mother treats me. My partner and I are unlikely to ever be able to afford a house for ourselves if the current housing situation continues, my MIL gave his eldest brother his deposit and is thinking about helping my SIL buy a house too (this changes weekly though), while my partner and his other brother have received nothing. But there is no point in falling out over it, we can't control how others treat us, we just know that our own children will never be treated the same way by us.

youngandbroken · 20/07/2021 12:30

*eldest sister that is.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 20/07/2021 12:33

My grandparents did this crap with my father. His two sisters had a lifetime of substantial financial gifts and then especially one got a full property. My father resigned himself to the situation and focused on my DM and us, his children, as he refused to be drawn into this toxic dynamic and wasn't going to be consumed by bitterness. Ironically, my grandfather expected my parents to care for him when he was getting frail. Well, guess who had the last laugh. My parents and us children all went NC. His daughters and their kids did nothing for him.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 20/07/2021 12:35

I don’t know why parents do this.

However, you say:
That sibling is single, in early 40s, no kids. I presume she spends a lot of time with them, and has no other commitments beyond her job. I don’t really know. Whenever my parents have gone on a weekend away for example, they would just say they were going to X but she would always turn up there too. So she must be very close.

Is she their ‘insurance policy’ against old age? Keep her close enough to care for them?

Have they given your sister house number 2 now with the plan to give house number 1 (where they live, presumably bigger?) to you and your other siblings when they die?

Either way, she’s got the easy ride financially now.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 20/07/2021 12:37

If she really has been groomed her whole life to be prepared for being their carer, then it's a compensation for not having her own life and/or a way of creating an obligation, both in her and in the other siblings who decide that since she's getting the house, she can do the future care. It's not about health or wealth.

Codependency 😒

user1471538283 · 20/07/2021 12:38

I cannot understand this at all. If you have more than one child you treat each of them equally. They could have sold the house and divided the proceeds between you all.

My DGM favored one child (not as extreme as this) and all it did was encourage dependency. When my DGM was very ill (but not dying) this child rocked up with her funeral outfit and expected a check after doing nothing for the whole of her life ...

I would have nothing more to do with them. When they need care you are not available.

MargaretThursday · 20/07/2021 12:39

If the house has been empty for many years there is presumably a lot of work to do on it. If she's living there that's going to be a lot of time and effort involved in doing it up.
Maybe the house isn't worth much either, so if they'd sold it and divided between all of you, you'd have got peanuts.

sadperson16 · 20/07/2021 12:41

Property is worth stupid money, this has already been mentioned.

Somethingsnappy · 20/07/2021 12:44

OP, i haven't read the full thread (only your posts), so sorry if this has been mentioned already. You said your sibling has never had a partner and has no children. Is it possible your parents feel sorry for her and are trying to compensate for it? It doesn't excuse what has happened, but might go some way to help in understanding things. Maybe they feel (somewhat misguidedly) that she could do with extra help, having no partner.

HandlebarLadyTash · 20/07/2021 12:48

Surprisingly common
We have had unequal split from parents
We have made our wills an equal share with the children

Franklyfrost · 20/07/2021 12:50

You don’t even live in the same country as them and aren’t as close. You don’t own your parents wealth, it’s theirs to give as they choose. I can see how it’s hurtful but given the choice would you rather have stayed at home, had no family and a free house or have your current life?

StormcloakNord · 20/07/2021 12:50

This happened to me on an albeit smaller scale.

Mum came into money and gave DB £25k while I got £5k.

He's much better off than I am financially too.

I didn't have the energy to question it, I'm a bit weird around money anyway and appreciate the £5k.

He's always been the favourite, just one of these things I suppose.

sadperson16 · 20/07/2021 12:59

This is not about money or houses.

Its about secrecy,manipulation,naivity,self worth and ulitimately love or lack of it.

SchmeatWave21 · 20/07/2021 13:01

This reply has been deleted

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Calmdown14 · 20/07/2021 13:01

You are going to have to tell them that you are hurt about this and see what other information they offer up.
Vent here first and don't ask until the raw emotion has passed.
It is possible the arrangements are more complicated. For example she could live in the house but it may not own it. She may just have the rights until your parents die and then it may form part of the estate. Or she may have this but all remaining assets will only be split three ways.
Perhaps if you go in more as an 'i understand this may make sense in current circumstances but it seems unfair in the long run', they may explain their decision.
Going in angry will just end in a rift that can't be undone

It may end up there anyway but take the higher ground so you are not dismissed as money grabbing

Weebleweeble · 20/07/2021 13:04

She just never met anyone to marry
Bet she does now.......

MrKlaw · 20/07/2021 13:05

its odd if she has her own house as well. So she'll be selling/renting that out while living in the new one? If that fits with the 'carer' suggestion that can help with living costs I guess. Doesn't sound like a great position to be in either way

Gothichouse40 · 20/07/2021 13:10

I think you really need to sit and talk to your parents. Do not let this fester. I do not understand parents who do things like this. Please do not take it out on your sibling, it's not their fault. I hate favouritism and I have been where you are. It's not nice.

rosalindwi · 20/07/2021 13:13

Is she a half sibling? And also how do you know for certain she owns the house?

spinningspaniels · 20/07/2021 13:19

My sister is the golden child. I'm not supposed to know that Mum has done an equity release on her house......... and given it to my sister to renovate her wreck of a house she bought. Now Mum needs to move and can't......... so she's going up and down the stairs on her hands and knees to use the toilet.

I am NC with my sister after decades of her bullying and nastiness, but Mum is still there wiping her arse even though she's nearly 50. So when Mum needs care, it certainly won't be me doing it. And my DC will get an equal share of everything I have.

It's cruel beyond words, OP, and you have my absolute sympathy.

rosalindwi · 20/07/2021 13:19

If she already has a property and then a second she would have to pay the stamp duty second home tax. Also this will affect your parents inheritance allowance in the future if they die within 7 years

Pipsquiggle · 20/07/2021 13:21

I am always genuinely surprised by all the posters that say
'It's their money. They can do what they like with it.'
Well, of course they can, but they need to know that this kind of bullshit unfairness can cause irreparable damage.

We are talking about life changing money here not £1k.

My DS is in her 40s, lives by herself, has no kids and has a reasonably well paid career.
My DB lives with his partner, no kids and they are very well paid.
I live with DH and DC, we have very well paid jobs - we live in a big house. I am pretty sure our outgoings are much higher than DS & DB - if DS suddenly got a house just because she was single, I would be mightily pissed off.

OP - if I were you, I would definitely get my ducks in a row, make sure you got the facts and then raise it with your DPs. It's not on.

justasking111 · 20/07/2021 13:23

Well it's expected she will be the carer now. You're a broad so have got off lightly to be honest.

Friends their sibling never left home now has inherited the home a huge Victorian pile. He's never had a proper job is late fifties only been a carer house falling down no money left for repairs it's a mess

ScrollingLeaves · 20/07/2021 13:28

“WeatherForecast”
“A way of helping her to get on equal footing with the rest of you despite not having had the fortune to meet a partner like the rest of you have.”

WeatherForecast, re your suggestion that the child who was given the house may not have had the good fortune to meet partner:

This may be true but there could have been a dynamic, rather than lack of good fortune, where a cosseted child, in an enmeshed relationship with the parents, purposefully avoids growing up and taking on the lows and responsibilities, as well as the highs and mutual assistance, of having a partner.

The parents may also be keeping her close on purpose as a few other posters gave thought.

It is hurtful when parents do not give equally whatever the reasons - including the reason that all the other children are financially secure, while this one ( though able) is not.

In our U.K. society though we accept that less well off people are helped by’taxing’ those who have more. So the share of house OP seems not to be getting could be like that tax figuratively speaking.