1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

I've lived with this for 60 years, always at the bottom of the family pile.
My solution to this was to move hundreds of miles away and keep myself to myself. I can't deal with it anymore.

I have found parents that favour a child either have just always preferred that child, the whole golden child dynamic. Or the child is a bit shit at life so the parents feel sorry for them.

very true, very unfair and very true.

Same situation with my brother. The good thing is, i was told it since my early 20s - it gave me motivation. It spurred me to work hard, find a better job, pay my own way, be a better and fair parent to my own DC.

Let your sister be the carer. I never fell out with my parents but i barely speak to them, it's all very polite but we have no relationship.

It goes both ways. No child deserves to be treated like that and if the parents can't see it or how they've taken away the life purpose for the other child...

I struggled with it for years and years and in the end realised i just have to find love and joy in my own family.

If all the other siblings own houses and one of them doesn't I can definitely see why the parents would want to help the one who doesn't.

inheritance should always be equitable over a lifetime, no matter the amount nor situation of child. As you say, it's not about life choices but the hand you're dealt with. Who's to say the one who is happily married with a house doesn't come down with redundancy, illness, divorce, death etc?

@canary1

No explanation of why two of us returned deposits via equity release, and 2 didn’t. It makes a big difference, the amount of money you have to earn before tax to come up with this. And no, I’m told this will be that sibling’s house outright, no returning it to the family or anything. So no 30 year mortgage for her.

With this situation, I would say it's very unfair. If your sibling had different circumstances I can understand parental help. However, she had help and owns a property already, that is highly unfair. I do still stand by it's their money but I can't understand why they are behaving so differently to some siblings over others when you all have owned properties already. Although in our family, my youngest sibling is still pandered despite being married with children and owning their own house, yet my parents have saved thousands to help him buy another larger house, it frustrates me when as a lone parent I cannot get on the property ladder despite working full time as it's just so hard to get the deposit needed. Maybe it's a younger sibling thing?

inheritance should always be equitable over a lifetime, no matter the amount nor situation of child. As you say, it's not about life choices but the hand you're dealt with. Who's to say the one who is happily married with a house doesn't come down with redundancy, illness, divorce, death etc?

True, but if the person married does get made redundant, there are 2 in that relationship. It's a different scenario to being a single individual trying to buy on one wage.

@anon12345678901

inheritance should always be equitable over a lifetime, no matter the amount nor situation of child. As you say, it's not about life choices but the hand you're dealt with. Who's to say the one who is happily married with a house doesn't come down with redundancy, illness, divorce, death etc?

True, but if the person married does get made redundant, there are 2 in that relationship. It's a different scenario to being a single individual trying to buy on one wage.

Are you serious?

You truly think parents should keep a balance sheet to ensure that they give every sibling the exact same amount of money, regardless of individual situation?

You don't think they have the right to make their own decisions about what to give to who?

If an adult child is estranged, in prison for murder, has been abusive to their parents, has a serious drug or gambling dependency, you think they are still owed a certain amount of money?

This is just nuts. You sound very naive.

Think of the story of the prodigal son, the first son takes his inheritance early and pisses it away on drugs, booze and prostitutes, then when he returns home his father rejoices and says he can have half of what's remaining. The other son is livid but as the father says, it's fair because they will both be getting the same amount.

The other son was deprived of the drugs, booze and fun youth.. of making his own mistakes. Slim chance there will be no resentment.

I’d tell your parents how hurt and upset you feel. Parents should help their children equally

If an adult child is estranged, in prison for murder, has been abusive to their parents, has a serious drug or gambling dependency, you think they are still owed a certain amount of money?

these are not the situations being discussed in OP's case nor mine, so ok, maybe i'm biased to some 'normal' scenarios

a house is hard to miss in the balance sheet, i'm not saying to track every £1 given

OP,
Whilst I can understand your hurt and upset, your sister is being set up as carer for your parents.

Whilst you may feel raw from their actions, take comfort that you have absolutely NO responsibility nor obligation towards them.

That will be her job.
Now by doing it the way they have they are placing great trust in your sister taking on that role.

I know of a family that had a gorgeous valuable home on two acres.

They passed the main house over to spoilt younger son and he built a little 2 bed bungalow with a completely separate entrance etc at the very opposite end of the plot.

Within 2 years a work opportunity came up and he upped and sold HIS house for 1.4 million and is now in the US with his family.

His 3 siblings have NOT stepped up at all.
They all live within 10 minutes of their parents and or very LC or NC.

Their is still huge bitterness over what the parents did, as it was never discussed.

Son in the US very rarely comes home, never with his family, maybe a flyimg visit through work.

The parents are mortified by what has occurred as the selling up of their old home raised huge eyebrows at the time and obviously the details of what they did leaked out.

Their other children's rejection of them has been a source of local gossip over the years.

There is very little sympathy for them and those that knew their golden boy personally, were not a bit surprised.

@WeatherForecast I don't, I believe circumstances should be taken into consideration, say for example if someone is estranged, I don't believe they should be surprised if they aren't left money, why would they? I do believe the circumstances are what matters, it's impossible to give each child exactly the same amount all the time, and many posters who say they will, I doubt have been in that situation yet. They may change their decisions if one child has a harder living situation than the others.

I would have to ask my parents, as difficult as it might be, before doing anything. If true, yes it would affect my relationship with that sibling and parents, how could it not?

I have been the victim of this behaviour. Only 2 of us.

Its not about a house, its not about money.

@5zeds

Yup. I think she’s being positioned to be the childless spinster carer who must be grateful for all their help. Her siblings now will feel she owes the family/parents endless caring duties. Poor sod. If you love her *@canary1* encourage her to run.

This is my thought.

Even if she gets this house, I'm not sure its coming without strings.

I would say she's going to end up being the one who takes on the lions share of caring for the OP's parents, especially since the OP lives abroad.

DH's family are a bit weird and its pretty much already become clear he will get little if anything when his parents go, but his two siblings will. However he's of the opinion that that given his brother will be asked to do power of attorney type stuff and his sister will be lumbered with caring duties that this leaves him mostly off the hook which he is fine with.

He doesn't get on well with his parents and figures that you shouldn't expect an inheritence and bank on it. Its nice to get but you shouldn't take it as a give nor compare just the financial side of things. She may yet find herself having to give up work to look after the parents.

I do wonder if there is a worry about health going on here too.

Why do parents do this!

Because they are old, grieving, frail, confused and there are some clever people around who get what they want.
They are usually male.

I had something similar to this - my brother was effectively allowed to live in my parents 2nd home for decades virtually rent free and I was a bit bitter about it.
HOWEVER with the benefit of hindsight I can see that what my parents did was try to be fair, if not necessarily equal.
I was married and DH & I had well-paid jobs with great prospects - my parents obviously felt we didn't need any help from them.

My brother however had had a string of low-paid jobs which he kept losing, couldn't get a deposit together, had no savings, no partner and was really struggling. I now realise that he probably has an undiagnosed learning difficulty which means he finds it really hard to get his shit together and maintain a steady income stream. (One of my own children has something similar and I can now see the similarities in behaviours that I witnessed from my brother when he was younger).

So OP, could it be that your parents think your sibling NEEDS their help more than you? Could there be something going on that you don't know about?
Fair isn't always about equality.

Talk to them. Get your anger, and sense of unfairness and rejection out here and then talk to them. Show them your sadness. Approach it as a relationship problem which you want to solve, but which you find hard because you don't understand the dynamic. Keep anger, accusation, etc out of it, they won't respond well, obviously. Sadness indicating hurt, sadness indicating the wish that things could have been different, sadness indicating remorse or regret, all that is fine. Does this sound manipulative? I'm not sure it is, because your ultimate aim is to shed light on a valid problem, but also because I bet they're all things you feel once the anger is diminished.

I'm not sure there's much they could say or do to change things now, so suspect you'll be going LC or even NC with them after. I'm sorry.

If the house has sat empty for years perhaps they have agreed some deal about your sister moving in and co-ordinating the redevelopment of it in order to sell it in the future and split the profits?

Just try to have an honest conversation with your parents, OP.

I think the really hurtful thing here is the secrecy. If the parents had been open about what they were doing, then there would still be hurt feelings and resentment, but not the same feeling of being excluded. OP, did all of the siblings except you know about this?

My parents also have two houses, and I strongly suspect that they will do this. The only thing stopping them is their inability to agree on their favourite child (except that it isn't me!). Since we were little, Sister 1 has been The Poor Soul, I have been The independent One, Sister Three has been Terribly Disabled (she actually has a mild learning difficulty but is otherwise fine) and Sister Four has been The Successful One. Nothing anyone can say will change our assigned roles. Either 1 or 3 will get everything.

We have siblings abroad and the same has happened. However, the child supported is not the youngest but is the only local and single one. Realistically she is the one who has provided parents with all the support in person during lockdown and will do that into old age so tbh for us it's fair. Is there anyone else around your parents who supports them? We are also 4 siblings.

These things are often resolved when parents die and the will is read.

@canary1

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house. Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less. I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her. AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

This happens quite a lot. It’s totally unfair. You need to explain this to all parties. You have every right to feel aggrieved.

@canary1

The sibling getting the house is in a similarly professional career as me and my other siblings. She just never met anyone to marry, has never really had a partner over the years at any stage, so I’m not sure if you all that by choice, I have no idea why she’s not had a boyfriend. My parents already helped her with an apartment. They helped me too to a much lesser extent but got the money back via equity from mine. They didn’t ask for her to give a larger sum back, nor from my brother either( they asked for money lent back from me and my sister)

You don’t seem to know an awful lot about your sibling, which is probably why she has been given the house 🤷‍♀️

I know plenty about my sibling, but no, I wouldn’t know why she’s never had a boyfriend. If I asked her, she would take great offence. Not sure why Hadjab you think that specific issue leads you to think I don’t know much about her or that she deserves now a house. There’s no health issue. She’s in a good professional career and as mentioned already has a property, which she has a mortgage on, the same as the rest of us.

Seem to be a lot of people who have witnessed or experienced this. I’m so grateful for all your responses.

I’ll certainly take some space ( not difficult in another country!) and. Not pander to any of the guilt trips about living here or not visiting all the time ( which was a feature pre- Covid)

Thank you all for your thoughts and insights xx