To involve strangers in a meal train?

[ChockaChick]

Just moved house and just had a baby…. We’ve briefly met the neighbours on either side and they seem perfectly pleasant. HV has suggested starting a meal train in the road. Yet I really don’t think I’d feel comfortable asking strangers to cook for us. Surely that’s something you organise amongst friends and family, not new neighbours you’ve not met yet? I’d think it a bit cheeky tbh if I got a demand for food from some unknown newbie. AIBU?

@cookiecreampie

Why do you see yourself as in need? Other people have babies and other life struggles. Do you think they have time for this? Unbelievably rude and cheeky.

The OP doesn’t. Her HV suggested it.

Brilliant to think that there is a rogue HV out there laying the foundations for many future CF threads here! Can you be a CF by proxy?

I understand the concept of a meal train but it seems such a random and odd thing for the HV to suggest. Was she running out of things to talk about? I'm not sure I could take her seriously after that.

I have done this a lot, through church - but it's never been instigated by the person receiving the food! ,(UK,)

I'm surprised by how unheard of this is - every church I've ever been too have done 2 weeks of meals any time someone has a baby! But I do agree it would be weird to ask people to do it, especially people you don't know! It's normally offered! (I am british, living in England by the way and this has been a thing that I've been aware of for at least 25 years so not solely an American import)

I've benefitted from something like this, but I had no idea until now it actually has a name and a website! Someone from church organised it both times, and it was lovely. It also gave people a chance to come over and coo over the baby, but I didn't organise it.

@VodkaSlimline

Brilliant to think that there is a rogue HV out there laying the foundations for many future CF threads here! Can you be a CF by proxy?

The CF creators😂 Like the original zombie, then it just spreads and spreads😂

Our real issue is that men get to swan away not doing anything because they’re ‘working’. And all of this ‘community support’ nonsense is just to put the task of caring onto (you guessed it) other women. Women are not the world’s free carers

I agree with this principle entirely but my actual memories as a child was largely the women doing it in the spirit of helping their sisters rather than a duty set by men. The women were often working outside the home as well, just carrying the double load and helping each other.

We do this in our church if someone has a baby- take meals round for a week. Usually when the husband has gone back to work, or whenever the mother wants it. It's lovely, I've received and given meals. We did it for mums in the toddler group too. It never felt American ( I'm totally against gender reveal and baby showers as American imports!) I'm not sure it's something that would happen without someone else suggesting it but if you moved in next door to me I'd certainly offer you a meal if you had a baby.

I do everything possible to have nothing to do with neighbours. In fact I live where the nearest neighbour is half a kilometre away 😁

Inviting strangers into my life in such an odd way is my idea of hell. Why would anyone think that was a good idea?

While I think it’s nice if friends and family offer to cook and provide meals, to involve neighbours (many of whom are strangers) is weird. Obviously a new baby is a massive life event but what about what others are going through? Hygiene? Allergies? Pressure if you can’t cook? And worst for me, if someone asked me to do this I would have to explain I’m so skint I couldn’t afford to do it and be mortified every single time I stepped outside of my house because my neighbours now know I can’t afford an extra few meals a week.

Personally I would have found it very intrusive, I'm an introvert anyway and just wanted left alone with DH and DC . Strangers or anyone apart from close family or friends popping in would have been hell.

Also what do you do with the dishes etc? Unless they're throw away plastic you're going to have to wash them and make sure they're cleaner than you wash your own dishes and that's more hassle.

I would never do this...I love the way your HV has assumed that everyone can afford and has the time to knock up an extra meal, no thought whatsoever that someone in the street might be struggling to cope themselves. Imagine putting someone in the position where they had to say no! Or worse, felt obligated when they couldn't really afford it!

My old church did this for someone who had recently had an operation which was a nice idea but I never understood doing it for a couple who have had a baby...surely one of you takes care of the baby while the other sorts food. I was on my own a lot with my babies and I just ate easy stuff.

(Also I've seen a lot of people's kitchens so would tend to graciously decline.)

@C8H10N4O2

Our real issue is that men get to swan away not doing anything because they’re ‘working’. And all of this ‘community support’ nonsense is just to put the task of caring onto (you guessed it) other women. Women are not the world’s free carers

I agree with this principle entirely but my actual memories as a child was largely the women doing it in the spirit of helping their sisters rather than a duty set by men. The women were often working outside the home as well, just carrying the double load and helping each other.

It’s nice to have that spirit of helping each other - but It shouldn’t be that way (we do agree on both points though). We should make the men do the double load 😂

I think meal trains are a lovely idea and one that we definitely should be importing from the US!

BUT. This has to be something that the community comes together and decides to do. It's most definitely not appropriate for an individual to ask for meals for themselves.

Also to add I’m not heartless, I love helping people out! Friends with cars/trailers were at the forefront of my covid house move and I’ve done food/shopping for isolating people. (Sorry OP this is off tangent). Also the house move friends were all men.

I just think that specifically for pregnancy a lot of ‘stress’ on new mum is caused by husband not stepping up rather than actual pregnancy (barring injury, PND or etc). Men go to work and think she’s at home all day so she can do all of it when that’s not the case. He has to go to work and come home and be on the ball and he doesn’t understand why.

I wonder if the prevalence of this in America is due to the lack of Maternity/Paternity leave that they get. The new Father might get one or two days and would then be expected back in to work, whereas here he would get at least two weeks off to help the mother recover.

I would laugh if someone popped over asking me to cook because they've chosen to have a baby
.... I have 2 toddlers and I have been able to cook fine by myself since they were born- _-

HV is in cloud cuckoo land! Don’t even go there OP. A “meal train” (ridiculous name) is something other people offer to do. And they can only offer from themselves- not volunteer others to contribute. In other words- some friends and family might bring you the odd meal. Tbh though- cooking isn’t that big a deal. Particularly for an adult male who hasn’t given birth. I’m sure your husband can manage to feed you without roping in the neighbours. I’d think very little of someone who asked their neighbours, or even their friends and family to cook their meals for them just because their wife had a baby.

It would be strange to ask neighbours you have just met to make you food. I suspect most would expect your family and friends to be helping you.

I have seen people post on Nextdoor for help with meals if they are in a bind i.e. out of hospital and they do get some offers.

A lot of you would hate the idea of our road whatsapp group!🤣
(No ones asked for meals, but people often ask, but more often offer, favours and advice)
A neighbour offered me something they no longer had use for. I bought them a cook voucher when their new baby was born

I find this really bizarre. Of course you can’t ask strangers for gifts of food! As others have said, this sort of thing would be organised by someone else and people would sign up voluntarily if they had the money and time, which not everyone does. Personally I wouldn’t be overly concerned about hygiene because my neighbours are clean, but hinge like food allergies and even likes/dislikes would definitely be an issue.

This is the sort of thing I would probably report to the HV’s boss. Not only is she going to create a rift between neighbours when some poor soul follows her stupid advice, but you now cannot trust any of her advice because she’s an idiot.

Pre-pandemic, there was a Scottish charity I was getting involved in which did a similar thing.

www.mealmakers.org.uk/

The idea is that you are paired with a local elderly person and agree that you prepare an extra portion of a family meal once a week to drop off to them. It's as much about the social contact for the elderly person as it is about the food.

Different from the meal train thing as it's expected to be an ongoing commitment from the cook, and no specific requests, just an extra portion of whatever you've made anyway.

Now that the pandemic is easing i'll have to look at joining them again.

I can think of nothing worse

You've had a baby, you're not paralysed. Get up and cook for yourself or get your partner to do it/order a takeaway. What a bloody weird suggestion. If your HV thinks asking strangers to feed you isn't acting like an entitled twat, then she's off her rocker.