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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To involve strangers in a meal train?

355 replies

ChockaChick · 20/07/2021 02:21

Just moved house and just had a baby…. We’ve briefly met the neighbours on either side and they seem perfectly pleasant. HV has suggested starting a meal train in the road. Yet I really don’t think I’d feel comfortable asking strangers to cook for us. Surely that’s something you organise amongst friends and family, not new neighbours you’ve not met yet? I’d think it a bit cheeky tbh if I got a demand for food from some unknown newbie. AIBU?

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 20/07/2021 08:22

would you turn down a meal if a friend or family offered it? 🤷‍♀️

Honestly, yes.

We had people round for dinner within the first week, and I was pottering round baking for guests after a few days. I'd find it very odd that someone would think me or my husband couldn't cook for ourselves tbh. But it depends in the circumstances. I had very easy sections so was fine to do cooking from about day 4, but if I was a single mum, if dad wasn't around much, or I was disabled, or if I was obviously struggling it would be different.

But yes, some people would turn it down.

Auntienumber8 · 20/07/2021 08:22

When I had covid last year my church did drop round shopping. We had three different small deliveries over the two weeks. I have prepared food for friends when ill and taken it round a couple of times. But it was never asked for.

TempleofZoom · 20/07/2021 08:27

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

OP if you were a single mum with 5 kids about to give birth to octuplets, I would be happy to cook you some food. For 2 adults expecting their first baby....no.
Agree. It sort of assumes that the women do all the cooking and the childs father cant or wont cook.
NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 20/07/2021 08:27

Yeah, I can imagine the scene. OP lets HV in who starts suggesting lots of different things and one happens to be a meal train. I wonder, OP did you let slip that you find cooking with baby hard?

HVs like to suggest many things a new mother 'can do' so that if you weren't feeling confused and a bit overwhelmed before she came, your head will be spinning when she gets into her SUV and moves onto her next victim.

Mine used to do this. I 'needed to get out more' and she'd noticed I was watching cycling on TV. Next thing she was telling me that I could buy a bike and join a club. DD was six months, H never lifted a finger, and I had no one to leave baby with let alone go out on a club run with a load of old men in lycra.

HV is just box ticking so they can write up that they suggestedd you make friends with your neighbours.

Ignore her, don't ask for food! And maybe focus on saying a nice hello when walking past with the pram and look forward to your nice takeaway when you get baby asleep.

TempleofZoom · 20/07/2021 08:30

@2021hwg

I lived in abroad for a while and it was really common in the "expat community". It was normally done if someone had a baby, or they where unwell or some other big thing going on in their lives. It's a lovely thing to do. A
I would find it really intrusive, not a lovely thing. As someone pointed out up thread, unless it was in disposable trays you then have all the faffing of returning dishes etc. Most people are perfectly capable of chucking a few extra meals in the freezer for the early days.
CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 08:38

@Wondergirl100

While a meal train is not appropriate in this situation - perhaps the HV was clumsily trying to stress to new parents that they can reach out for help.

I do find some of the comments on this thread very sad. "Having a baby isn't a disability cook for yourself'

Modern mums are left absolutely alone from fairly soon after birth in a way many other cultures would find totally bizarre. Traditionally humans would hae given birth into closely knit communities -

Is it any wonder breastfeeding rates are very low in the UK - breastfeeding really requires mum to devote huge amount of time to it, be really thinking of not much else in the first few weeks - yet mums are exhausted, up from day 2 walking around, going to parks, especialy when they have older children

Wouldn't it be a great thing if we as a community started to recgonise the support new mums need a bit more?

Traditionally we did not have things like ready meals, freezers, and expecting men to pull their weight. Also traditionally women in poorer communities gave birth and went straight back to the farms/factories - not a brilliant yardstick by any means.

All pp are pointing is barring injury during birth a baby is planned. There’s plenty of time to prepare and sort what needs to be done. Compared to an illness/bereavement.

Our real issue is that men get to swan away not doing anything because they’re ‘working’. And all of this ‘community support’ nonsense is just to put the task of caring onto (you guessed it) other women. Women are not the world’s free carers

TheRebelle · 20/07/2021 08:39

I would hate this! I love cooking, I love my own recipes and I wouldn’t want to eat homemade food from anyone else unless I knew their kitchen was spotless and there were no pets.

Elys3 · 20/07/2021 08:39

It’s as much about the social benefit as the food - it’s not just about the food. Of course practically anyone can chuck a few ready meals in the freezer prior to the birth. It’s about someone you know and like popping their head around the door each day to say hello. Not expecting to be let in stay but providing human contact that makes a little reminder of the support you have. That’s why it’s a little strange for the HV to suggest doing it the way she has. Does sound like a box ticking exercise.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/07/2021 08:45

Your HV is batty.

Knock knock knock hi I'm your new neighbour. I've had a baby and thought you might like to make me some meals and bring them round Confused

godmum56 · 20/07/2021 08:45

@NothingEverChangesButTheShoes

Yeah, I can imagine the scene. OP lets HV in who starts suggesting lots of different things and one happens to be a meal train. I wonder, OP did you let slip that you find cooking with baby hard?

HVs like to suggest many things a new mother 'can do' so that if you weren't feeling confused and a bit overwhelmed before she came, your head will be spinning when she gets into her SUV and moves onto her next victim.

Mine used to do this. I 'needed to get out more' and she'd noticed I was watching cycling on TV. Next thing she was telling me that I could buy a bike and join a club. DD was six months, H never lifted a finger, and I had no one to leave baby with let alone go out on a club run with a load of old men in lycra.

HV is just box ticking so they can write up that they suggestedd you make friends with your neighbours.

Ignore her, don't ask for food! And maybe focus on saying a nice hello when walking past with the pram and look forward to your nice takeaway when you get baby asleep.

i thought something like this too.....I wondered if she had been given some kind of "community engagement" target....maybe even (o god) done a workshop on it...and she is going round randomly suggesting stuff to people in the vain hope thst someone will do something and she can tick the target off.
Babyboomtastic · 20/07/2021 08:46

Even if a new dad is working very long days from the outset, there is no reason he can't cook anything when home, to be reheated, or bulk cook at the weekend.

Or am I missing the tragic deaths of millions of single hard working men who starve to death each year? If they can manage it when single, they can do it when in a family 🙄

KateTheEighth · 20/07/2021 08:49

Yikes - what a weird idea!

Imagine the thread on here. "My new neighbours have just had a baby and have asked all the neighbours to cook for them. AIBU to think they are cheeky fuckers?"

Tulipomania · 20/07/2021 08:51

Just weird.

It's a baby, not cancer.

A few ready meals in the freezer if you don't want to cook for a few weeks. Sorted.

LincolnshireLassInLondon · 20/07/2021 08:52

When I had my son, one of my neighbours would bring me a hot lunch most days. Normally a veggie soup, or some chicken wings, or a slice of homemade pizza. "I feed you and you feed the baby" she would say. We are in London but she is Spanish and evidently it's something they do for new mums there. It was lovely and I appreciated it hugely, but I would never have asked anyone to do that for us!!

herecomesthsun · 20/07/2021 08:52

We got some meals from neighbours / people at church after I had my first child; it was lovely. But the idea came from them (I was really surprised)

WaltzingToWalsingham · 20/07/2021 08:52

We were living in Texas when my youngest DD was born, and a meal train was organised for us by the church. I was a bit Hmm when it was suggested, but didn't know how to decline politely. I actually found it really helpful - we were far from family or friends, we had other small DC to care for, and it was really nice to know that, however difficult the day was, a home-made meal for all the family would be dropped off in the evening. The other moms communicated with each other so we didn't end up with lasagne every night, and it was lovely trying meals that I'd never thought of making myself. I also surprised myself by being delighted to see a friendly face each evening and have a quick chat with someone other than my husband!

3Britnee · 20/07/2021 08:53

Never heard of it called that but it's always in American films, when new people move in or there's a death, all the neighbours turn up with a casserole etc, which is nice in films, but in the uk, not so much 😂

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 08:54

@Babyboomtastic

Even if a new dad is working very long days from the outset, there is no reason he can't cook anything when home, to be reheated, or bulk cook at the weekend.

Or am I missing the tragic deaths of millions of single hard working men who starve to death each year? If they can manage it when single, they can do it when in a family 🙄

Exactly what the men in all these situations are doing is strangle not mentioned
Nojusttheone · 20/07/2021 08:54

Friends organised a meal rota for us when our son was born and it was wonderful. I have often joined meal rotas for people in the community who have had a baby/are Ill/had a bereavement etc. I'm in the UK. I'm surprised by the replies here, I didn't realise it was so unusual.

Organising it yourself and asking strangers would be very odd though.

3Britnee · 20/07/2021 08:55

@KateTheEighth

Yikes - what a weird idea!

Imagine the thread on here. "My new neighbours have just had a baby and have asked all the neighbours to cook for them. AIBU to think they are cheeky fuckers?"

I'm sure that thread has actually been posted before.
iolaus · 20/07/2021 08:55

Your HV sounds weird

TheSunShinesBrighter · 20/07/2021 08:58

@Fizbosshoes

*In your case your church recognised you as a person in need. PND is an illness. A person with 7 children, working F/T and PND is obviously in a difficult situation.*

No the church cooked for me because I'd had a baby (they didnt know i had PND) and because it's a nice thing to do Smile
And I meant that the superior MN can look after 7 children without help.(i only have 2 )

Ok. Misunderstood as I thought you were saying you had 7 children, PND, worked full time and a newborn. THAT person is in need IMO.

In your case I’m presuming you are a member of the church that provided you with food because it was ‘a nice thing to do’ ?

Church congregations support one another in the way family/friends do.

They are not strangers like the OP’s neighbours.

Or are you going to tell me that it was it a random church in your town and thy don’t know you? Just ‘heard you’d had a baby’?

cookiecreampie · 20/07/2021 08:58

Why do you see yourself as in need? Other people have babies and other life struggles. Do you think they have time for this? Unbelievably rude and cheeky.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 20/07/2021 08:59

That would be a bit odd! 😄

Confusedandshaken · 20/07/2021 08:59

We've done it at our church when a parishioner was unwell but I didn't know it was called a meal train. We just called it "cooking for the XX family'. For those of us who cooked it wasn't a hassle at all, just an extra meal or two a week to be prepared but I'm sure it was quite a headache for the person co-ordinating it.

Your HV is batshit crazy if she thinks you could or should be asking total strangers to do this for you.