Help to deal with passive aggressive behaviour 'disguised' as over exaggerated 'niceness'.

[coodawoodashooda]

A while ago a woman in my locality did paid help in my home to support me with my house and kids. Im a lone parent and was grateful for this help. It quickly became apparent that she was taking the piss. Quietly helping herself to my face cream, stuff from the food cupboard, wearing bits and pieces of my clothes. It became a nightmare and eventually i was able to stop her employment. She now, obviously, feels very angry towards me. She doesn't know for certain how much i know about her sneaky bad behaviour. She enacts her grudge towards me by engaging me in conversation with over exaggerated body language and 'niceness'. I go absolutely grey rock but can't put an end to it. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of providing her with the attention shes craving. What can i do?

Cutting off contact entirely would seem the obvious solution. Is there a reason you can't do this?

I think thats her main grievance. I blew her out of the water by cutting off contact. She obviously thought i was so vulnerable id have to put up with her shit. I also dont think she realised how much i knew she was up to. Its because of our routines we do bump into each other. For example, now ill wave and politely acknowledge her. She'll then wait until ive turned my head and race after me and force one of these, 'exaggerated niceness' conversations. Generally she always has someone in her family in the background (not far from where she raced from) admiring her power.

Im really strong and not easily intimidated. She has this trickery well mastered.

Well, you could say directly to her, sod off, we're not friends.

Or be super frosty. Or go the other way: oh Julie, how wonderful to see you! How are you! I'm so glad to have seen you. Do take care of yourself.

Could it be over compensation for the things she's done and feeling guilty rather than an aggressive thing?
Good luck OP.

Yeah. I know. I like those words. Its the surprise factor that always gets me. She'd love me to tell her to sod off. Then she'd have more fuel for her victim stories.

Shes embarrassed shes been caught but shes so sneaky. I really think its the fact she thought i was under her thumb and suddenly she was found out. I changed the locks after she left. It was that bad.

Oh I know the type.
You just can't tell them to sod off. It would make their day, no year!
I'd just do the eye raise acknowledgement and make sure she has to let on first. Give as little signalling as possible would be my tactic. Look upon it as as an energy saving exercise for you.
Do practice the exit line as above then move on.

Sounds like you are doing quite well.

Well done to you for getting her out of your home.

It seems that you feel she is sort of goading you now - to over turn your choice to cut her off.

She is pushing your boundary and trying to reverse it. Don’t let her.

Don’t let this build up and put yourself at risk of snapping.

You need to take another step back.

Take back your power.

Don’t initiate contact by waving or greeting her.

If she rushes over to you just nod in response and keep walking on.

Put her back in her box.

Are you frustrated that you didn’t get to tell her all that you know she did?

Don’t under estimate how well you’re doing. You’ve got her sussed and she’s aware and looking for a reaction. Carry on with what you’re doing.

Could you be always in a hurry, so ‘lovely to see you X, just in a bit of a rush, see you later’ - cut off conversation and move quickly. Or if it’s that bad and she has a set routine I might consider changing my route to avoid.

Maybe mention that your face cream is lasting much longer lately with a pointed look. Be passive aggressive right back. Let her ‘know’ that you know what she got up to. It may be a warning for her that you may just have to start telling others

If you’ve cut off contact, why are you still greeting her in the street? Ignore completely.

Honestly, I'd be fake lovely back. It will leave her nowhere to go and nothing to moan about.

What's wrong with ignoring her? If you're unwilling to tell her to leave you alone (thus buying into her mindset), there's little else you can do. There isn't a trick you can do.

What's wrong with being an adult and telling her that you'll report her for theft and harassment if she doesn't stay away from you? She needs reporting anyway - you won't be the only one she's taken advantage of with the 'home help' thing.

@Marmaladeagain

Don’t under estimate how well you’re doing. You’ve got her sussed and she’s aware and looking for a reaction. Carry on with what you’re doing.

Exactly.

Take comfort from knowing that she is really rattled - so is trying to trample the boundary you have put down to punish you and “win”.

Deep breath - you are ahead - but protect and reinforce those boundaries.

Keep strong.

Grey rock and always be in a tearing hurry so that you don't have time to talk. She'll get bored with it soon enough.

Thank you to those who have said that im doing well. I hadn't thought of it like that. My personal circumstances were a bit of a mess when i took her on and for various reasons i had to wait my time to get rid of her. I cant think ive ever met a grown woman so desperately needy for attention. Its absolutely exhausting.

And the lies. What is it with the millions of tiny lies? Why would a grown woman need to embellish their life by sprinkling everything with bullshit?

There are some odd types out there.
You had the bad luck to have one latch on to you.

I agree with those saying she wants you to tell her to sod off. Don't play her games. Unless you can win. Be polite, be very polite and sweet. How can she say you were rude to her, which is what she wants, when you're just as polite and nice as nice can be. She looses her power when you take it back from her.
Or just be socially polite as to any "nodding acquaintance" (hope I spelled that right). Either way, you'll drive her mad.

I guess that's it. She thought she had me over a barrel. I don't know how she thought id tolerate it.

Ssslou

I agree. But, whats she trying to, 'win'?

I've had one of these at my old house. A neighbour offered to help with my garden and I took her up on it as I'd just moved in and wanted to get to know people. Next thing I knew she was round all the time, and borrowing things; food, clothes, books, jewellery, make-up tools, basically anything that took her fancy she would ask for. If you tried to refuse, she was very adept at making you feel you were being unreasonable, selfish or that you had a problem.

It took me years to 'cool' the friendship as she was always, relentlessly looking for ways in with exaggerated niceness.

You need to wave her off when you see her, always be cordial but cut her off with, 'Sorry, I'm just on my way out, or rushing to, etc.' I told her that I had a new job that was very demanding and that I felt if I stopped just even for a moment I'd drop too many balls.'...

This went on for years, and eventually I ended up moving because she was always there with her 'niceness', always ready to suggest that she could come around to help. I once feigned annoyance with her but she just disarmed me with profuse apologies. The last time I spoke to her, which was a few days before the removal men came, she complimented me on my boots but then asked what size they were and if she could try them on... It never stops.

Whatever you do don't underestimate for far they will go. Focus on shutting her down at every opportunity but in a respectful way. Good luck.

See I'd have to be different here..

What weve got is someone who wilfully took advantage of someone in a tight spot, who now seeks to cover it up, and who is prepared to lie and garner support while putting you down. Her cheek to expect you to act out the charade with her.

What I'd do is.....take her aside and explain in no uncertain terms that you're onto her, you know she stole, you know she took advantage and this bullshit 'we're friends' charade ends. Tell her not to speak to you. And then I'd go, and ignore her/keep safe from then on.