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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help to deal with passive aggressive behaviour 'disguised' as over exaggerated 'niceness'.

102 replies

coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 09:33

A while ago a woman in my locality did paid help in my home to support me with my house and kids. Im a lone parent and was grateful for this help. It quickly became apparent that she was taking the piss. Quietly helping herself to my face cream, stuff from the food cupboard, wearing bits and pieces of my clothes. It became a nightmare and eventually i was able to stop her employment. She now, obviously, feels very angry towards me. She doesn't know for certain how much i know about her sneaky bad behaviour. She enacts her grudge towards me by engaging me in conversation with over exaggerated body language and 'niceness'. I go absolutely grey rock but can't put an end to it. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of providing her with the attention shes craving. What can i do?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 20:42

@coodawoodashooda

She told me once she tries to find out where is hurts the most. Thats how she dishes out the kid's punishments. The part i cant settle is what she thinks shes doing to me? Its lovely of you all to help me unpick this. Thank you.
She's trying to wind you up and it's working. How pleased would she be if she saw this thread? She's got you chatting all day with strangers about how pissed off you are that you can't shut her up. You're playing her game, and losing. Take control of yourself.
Lemonteanomilk · 18/07/2021 20:48

I'd invent a fake cf 'former friend' and tell the original PA CF of all the dreadful things the imaginary person has done - using your face cream etc. Turn it back on her, make it seem like you're confiding in her for sympathy, ask her what she thinks about imaginary CF's behaviour. 😁 Make her squirm... I bet she backs off at a rate of knots unless she's a complete psychopath.

ItPearl · 18/07/2021 20:49

When you figure out a covert narc, run!

Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 21:03

@coodawoodashooda

She told me once she tries to find out where is hurts the most. Thats how she dishes out the kid's punishments. The part i cant settle is what she thinks shes doing to me? Its lovely of you all to help me unpick this. Thank you.
Shes a narcissist. She tried to manipulate and violated your boundaries because she thought you were vulnerable and she would get away with it. You are supply. What she is doing now is hoovering, desperately trying to get you back into her life. Does she always have a slight smirk that she cant conceal ? Its known as Dupers Delight -joy at manipulating you. You absolutely have to grey rock this woman. Change your routine. Wear sunglasses and avoid any contact. She may ramp it up so be very wary.
coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:04

Yeah i know. But once i get it sorted in my head it be sorted in my head forever.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:06

Thats it. Dupers delight. Tgats exactly it.

OP posts:
Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 21:11

OP these types can be very nasty,I got my locks changed and a video door bell installed.
Locked down all SM and change all passwords.
In the end I had to report her and she was completely shocked.

beigebrownblue · 18/07/2021 21:14

Its' weird when you are a single parent isn't it?

And Im not saying it is everyone, but some shites think you should be grateful for every bloody shitty interaction that is going, of course you are so lonely/disadvantaged/etc you can put up with society's lowest common denominators...

Don't know what to do apart grey rock.

coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:21

@beigebrownblue

Its' weird when you are a single parent isn't it?

And Im not saying it is everyone, but some shites think you should be grateful for every bloody shitty interaction that is going, of course you are so lonely/disadvantaged/etc you can put up with society's lowest common denominators...

Don't know what to do apart grey rock.

Yeah. I think thats it too.
OP posts:
Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 21:34

@coodawoodashooda

Did anyone successfully shake off a similar perpetrator?
I've already posted mine.

I found playing at being cordial but breezy, telling her you're always on your way out or someplace to sever contact as soon as possible was the best strategy. Disinterested but respectful. The times I showed annoyance then she'd be back all the more sooner.

I think these type of psychos get off on unnerving you and trying to play mind games - it's a sport to them. They are trying to push buttons. As someone else said, it is a form of bullying / abuse, but just not what you'd expect from an adult woman. They want reactions. They want to see your fear. It's a power game. Intimidation.

I was frightened and you could say I didn't win, as ultimately I did move away - to great relief. Like you, I was also exhausted by it and the moment I stepped out of my house I was on guard (she'd always be there to intersect me on the way back home from work or back from the shops). This was long after I'd disconnected my doorbell to stop her from ringing it.

It really wouldn't surprise me if she's doing exactly the same now to someone else.

Stay strong and hopefully if you are not giving her what she wants she'll get bored and focus on someone else (I know that's an awful thing to say but that's the best you can hope for)... Don't play or let her know that she's getting to you. Avoid confrontation as she'll use it to start a feud and use it to maintain contact. That was the impression I got, that she was trying to push me to the edge so she could take it to the next level. At weekends she'd be in my face up to 3 times a day if I went out the flat.

The most funny thing was, a few weeks before I moved out I ran into her husband who said to me, 'Jill is really going to miss you because I know you two are good friends'. I was speechless... but then again she was always a good liar and she'd borrowed loads of stuff from me in the early days, or should I say 'coerced' would probably be nearer the truth.

alexdgr8 · 18/07/2021 21:37

but you ar thinking too much of what she will think or like.
it doesn't matter.
can't you just ignore her. you seem too involved in her reactions.
she is unimportant to your life.
you have managed to shake her off from being in your house and purloining your things. thats good. she gone, out form your house and life.
now forget her. just avoid her, cross the road. you don't owe her any explanations, or to be polite.
you seem a bit obsessed with her. that's not healthy. forget her.

coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:41

This sounds similar in lots of ways. Particularly the part about giving her, 'permission' to take it to the next level and the lies. She lied about everything. Even things that didn't need lied about. More than anything shes stupid. I know that these days its highly unethical to say that someone is thick but honestly i can't think of a better description.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:42

@alexdgr8

but you ar thinking too much of what she will think or like. it doesn't matter. can't you just ignore her. you seem too involved in her reactions. she is unimportant to your life. you have managed to shake her off from being in your house and purloining your things. thats good. she gone, out form your house and life. now forget her. just avoid her, cross the road. you don't owe her any explanations, or to be polite. you seem a bit obsessed with her. that's not healthy. forget her.
I agree. Its because it makes me feel foolish.
OP posts:
Sssloou · 18/07/2021 21:52

You want to be feeling and channeling your own “Duper’s Delight” when you see her. You know her game now - she needs an emotional reaction - give her the smirk.

Your description of the physical blocking triggered a memory of a situation I had with my own Nice/PA stalker. I was dropping a DC off at an activity - knew she would be there so went earlier and didn’t go into the car park - dropped my kid on the road outside - I am turned to pull off - she screeches past - spots me then reverses her car up so tight I am blocked in - she jumps from her car and raps on my driver window and carries on a charade asking ridiculous questions that I am only giving one word vanilla answers to. Eventually I escape but I felt quite ambushed and emotionally assaulted. I wish I had been brave enough to not wind the window down.

coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 21:58

@Sssloou

You want to be feeling and channeling your own “Duper’s Delight” when you see her. You know her game now - she needs an emotional reaction - give her the smirk.

Your description of the physical blocking triggered a memory of a situation I had with my own Nice/PA stalker. I was dropping a DC off at an activity - knew she would be there so went earlier and didn’t go into the car park - dropped my kid on the road outside - I am turned to pull off - she screeches past - spots me then reverses her car up so tight I am blocked in - she jumps from her car and raps on my driver window and carries on a charade asking ridiculous questions that I am only giving one word vanilla answers to. Eventually I escape but I felt quite ambushed and emotionally assaulted. I wish I had been brave enough to not wind the window down.

That is the perfect example. Except she's not as obvious as that nutter.
OP posts:
yummymum89 · 18/07/2021 21:59

Ask her to stay away! Heard about things like this before.. soon she'll be wanting to take over your kids for you.. shes bad news xxx

Paddling654 · 18/07/2021 22:23

Can you not put on your inner cross teacher (everyone's got one) and say

"IF you'll excuse me (serene smile without teeth), I must get on. Busy busy. Take care, X ( said over your shoulder).

coodawoodashooda · 18/07/2021 22:28

@yummymum89

Ask her to stay away! Heard about things like this before.. soon she'll be wanting to take over your kids for you.. shes bad news xxx
She thought she had. Actually im very fkng smug at how i did get rid of her. She well thought i was under her thumb.
OP posts:
Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 22:51

@coodawoodashooda

This sounds similar in lots of ways. Particularly the part about giving her, 'permission' to take it to the next level and the lies. She lied about everything. Even things that didn't need lied about. More than anything shes stupid. I know that these days its highly unethical to say that someone is thick but honestly i can't think of a better description.
What's the proximity and how often do you encounter her?

How far do you'd think she'd go? Sometimes they are not as stupid as you think.

My terribly nice but abusive neighbour, once I started avoiding her and not opening the door to her, would get to the postman first, take my mail and then stand outside my door with it so I had no option but to open the door to her. Once the door was open she'd barge straight in... then she'd look around to see what to ask for and take. I got my mail redirected by the post office to my work's address.

Another time at about 11.30 pm I had two paramedics knock on the door and once it was open she was in, with all this BS about she hadn't seen me for a few days and was certain something bad had happened to me, that I might have fallen. I remember that night she scooped up a box set of Mad Men that I'd just bought that very day and was really looking forward to watching it! She kept it for about 2 months, which really pissed me off. I went round her house to ask for it back and she kept me on the doorstep for 30 minutes while she tried to find it but then couldn't. Then she'd get you in the street so she could apologise, and these apologies would go on for weeks... Always trying to push buttons, 'I feel like you're still angry with me, or I sense I've upset you'. Such a mind fuck - which is their intention.

I wouldn't underestimate how far they can go. Also imagine reporting the above to the police... you reported your neighbour because she was concerned about you? Imagine how crazy you'd sound! She wasn't thick, but a very very slick operator.

Justilou1 · 18/07/2021 22:57

You could lie and let her believe that you have nannycam evidence of her behaviour and act all smug.

Justilou1 · 18/07/2021 22:58

Or even better, “need” her help again and actually get nannycam evidence.

Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 23:03

Please dont let her back in, smirk or play any games OP.
She could be very dangerous.
Shes already lied and stolen from you.
She will go to extremes.

Can you try changing your routine slightly?
Cycle if you walked, drive a different route.
If she persists then warn her and report.
Stop smiling and waving, if she catches you say no I dont want to talk to you and repeat.
Definetely get a video doorbell and check regularly in case shes watching you.

PersonaNonGarter · 18/07/2021 23:40

How did you get rid of her?

I think you need to be wary as well. Change your routine or whatever. But absolutely do what you can to avoid.

coodawoodashooda · 19/07/2021 09:34

@Justilou1

Or even better, “need” her help again and actually get nannycam evidence.
That would work but shes smart.
OP posts:
Templetreebloom · 19/07/2021 09:46

Having dealt with someone like this I really wouldnt do this OP !!!
This advice is giving me palpitations!
Listen to your instincts, she stole from you, considers how to punish people and is manipulative.
She will ramp it up!
Why the hell would you invite her back into your home ?
The only way to " win" with these people is to get them out of your life!