Help to deal with passive aggressive behaviour 'disguised' as over exaggerated 'niceness'.

[coodawoodashooda]

A while ago a woman in my locality did paid help in my home to support me with my house and kids. Im a lone parent and was grateful for this help. It quickly became apparent that she was taking the piss. Quietly helping herself to my face cream, stuff from the food cupboard, wearing bits and pieces of my clothes. It became a nightmare and eventually i was able to stop her employment. She now, obviously, feels very angry towards me. She doesn't know for certain how much i know about her sneaky bad behaviour. She enacts her grudge towards me by engaging me in conversation with over exaggerated body language and 'niceness'. I go absolutely grey rock but can't put an end to it. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of providing her with the attention shes craving. What can i do?

People who constantly lie are generally incredibly insecure. Do you care about what she’s lying about? Do people you respect believe her, if so are they deserving of your respect?

If you don’t feel able to blank her I get it because it goes against the manners you feel you should express to people. When she’s talking to you keep to yes/no answers then say “great chat. Speak soon. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day”.

something2say

Id love to do that but im not prepared to break my peace of mind for that interaction. Shed also lie through her teeth and deny it.

@something2say

See I'd have to be different here..

What weve got is someone who wilfully took advantage of someone in a tight spot, who now seeks to cover it up, and who is prepared to lie and garner support while putting you down. Her cheek to expect you to act out the charade with her.

What I'd do is.....take her aside and explain in no uncertain terms that you're onto her, you know she stole, you know she took advantage and this bullshit 'we're friends' charade ends. Tell her not to speak to you. And then I'd go, and ignore her/keep safe from then on.

I personally would do this too. But sadly, some people thrive off of you calling them out on their bullshit!

LolaButt

Yes. And shed also have the opportunity to square up her story and i don't want to give her that.

The thing is, people might not believe how awful she was towards you if you continue to be fake nice.
I too would pull her aside and in a low voice tell her you know she stole from you and took advantage of you when you were in a bad place and she needs to leave you alone now and stop all the fake niceness as you know exactly who she is and won't hesitate to tell anyone who will if she doesn't stop her charade

Scary that this woman was looking after your children

But didn’t you tell her at the time you were firing her because she was a thief? So why are you now working this hard to give a different impression.

* She enacts her grudge towards me by engaging me in conversation with over exaggerated body language and 'niceness'.*

I am baffled why you even have any interaction with her? In what scenario are you still meeting her?

Op said that because of their routines, living in the same locality they bump into one another.
This occurs where I live too. You meet folk you can't stand when out round the schools and shops and in forty years time they'll likely pop up at your funeral for a sandwich.

But think how youd feel after. Youve said your piece, you stood up for yourself.

And right now, you dont have that much peace of mind knowing she's playing you and you both know it.

And you dont have to wait for her reply. You could send her a stiff message and then block her. Or you could lean in close to her, say a few sentences and then leave. Yes it would be a shaky experience but think how youd reflect upon it. When we learn how to do this, it feels so good. No one else is needed to get out back when we have our own.

I heard a phrase a while back, by Maya Angelou I think. 'Don't wear a catchers Mitt on both hands. Keep one hand free to throw some shit back.' This woman has treated you appallingly. Its really ok and appropriate to say that, to get lying face.

And the words '....yes you did, because I saw you're would not be out of place in this scenario.

Despite what others are suggesting I wouldn't confront her as you could be opening a Pandora's box. You don't know how vindictive she is.

When I tried to tell my neighbour politely to leave me alone, she upped the anti and contact increased greatly as she made a big deal that I had misunderstood the situation, that she wanted to apologise (again and again), that if she'd done anything to offend me, etc...

Don't play into a situation. Dodge all contact and hope that she'll set her sights elsewhere (as awful as that sounds as I wouldn't wish this on anyone).

What sort of things is she saying to you OP?

I think you are doing brilliantly - you've got out from under her thumb, you've established boundaries for yourself and you have her sussed. You also already know she would thrive on your giving her some drama to feed on, so you aren't doing that.

The hard thing here is not letting her know you know how badly she behaved towards you when that feels so unfair, as if she's got away with it while you had to suffer her actions. So you have a choice - you can either let her know exactly how you feel which will give you short term relief but as you have already pointed out will feed her drama and make it all about her, or you can be coolly polite but distant, not feed her drama, and keep that power for yourself.

Don't give up your hard-earned power.

Draw a line under her previous actions, keep her at arms length and don't give her anything more of yourself. It won't feel like much at first compared to the crap she's given you, but it builds, and the more you do this the better you will feel long term. The more she tries to re-engage and seem like SUCH a nice person to the rest of the world, the more you keep your distance, because you know the truth. Allow yourself an inner smile as you watch her try to get round you, because you know she can't get round you and she never will - because you are the one in charge now.

Well done you for getting out of that situation - that took strength and guts - so you've already won.

Thats just it pp. They are perfectly 'reasonable' questions about things happening in the community. Its the extra exaggerated fake smile and the, 'oh so friendly' tone.

Passive aggression equals plausible deniability. It's the ultimate exercise in craven cowardice, IMO. It also boils down to what she hopes to gain (a confrontation, or ammunition to gossip about you and turn you into some big social pariah) versus what you hope to gain (that she pisses off and leaves you alone).

As for confronting her about her actions, normally I'd favour the direct approach. But accusing someone without unassailable evidence is rarely a good idea. It will escalate, which seems to be the result she is aiming for.

Unfortunately the only way to win at this game is not to play. If you give her nothing, the appeal of trying to provoke a stonewall of silence should soon wane. Silence and grey rock are is the perfect responses. Kudos to you!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Passive aggression equals plausible deniability. It's the ultimate exercise in craven cowardice, IMO. It also boils down to what she hopes to gain (a confrontation, or ammunition to gossip about you and turn you into some big social pariah) versus what you hope to gain (that she pisses off and leaves you alone).

As for confronting her about her actions, normally I'd favour the direct approach. But accusing someone without unassailable evidence is rarely a good idea. It will escalate, which seems to be the result she is aiming for.

Unfortunately the only way to win at this game is not to play. If you give her nothing, the appeal of trying to provoke a stonewall of silence should soon wane. Silence and grey rock are is the perfect responses. Kudos to you!

Thats an excellent post. Thank you. Shes a high class trouble maker who thrives on being the hero or victim. I had my moment. I lined my ducks up and brought her whole show to an end.

If you said something about those things in front of her friends, she wouldn't speak to you again and the job would be done.

"You know that dress of mine that you took? I'd like it back, please. Have to go now..."

Well I’d prolly smile sweetly next time and say quietly ‘I’m not enjoying this fake friendliness, Julie. Just like I didn’t enjoy coming home day after day to cctv of you stealing my belongings last year. I’ve been more than fair and calm about that, I think you’ll agree. But unless you leave me alone I’ll shout your crimes to anyone around here who’ll listen. With evidence. Do we understand each other? Byeeeee!’

I really would say this. She’ll never fully know if it’s true or not and won’t take the chance. Unlikely she’ll bitch about you either.

Or I suppose you could just pull your phone out as soon as you catch site of her, and pretend to be on endless important calls. Just do a distracted wave and keep walking. Every time for years. Personally I think Option A is less faff and stress in the long term.

Oh just pretend to be on your phone

@MadameMonk

Well I’d prolly smile sweetly next time and say quietly ‘I’m not enjoying this fake friendliness, Julie. Just like I didn’t enjoy coming home day after day to cctv of you stealing my belongings last year. I’ve been more than fair and calm about that, I think you’ll agree. But unless you leave me alone I’ll shout your crimes to anyone around here who’ll listen. With evidence. Do we understand each other? Byeeeee!’

I really would say this. She’ll never fully know if it’s true or not and won’t take the chance. Unlikely she’ll bitch about you either.

Or I suppose you could just pull your phone out as soon as you catch site of her, and pretend to be on endless important calls. Just do a distracted wave and keep walking. Every time for years. Personally I think Option A is less faff and stress in the long term.

Well, yes, exactly. As other people have said, why are you still having any firm of interaction with a thief you fired? Why do you still seem to be afraid of her? Surely you are the one with the power here, whether it’s the threat of going to the police or simply telling other people what she did? You’re behaving as though she’s got something on you.

I would have to say, "It's a bizarre coincidence, but since you stopped coming to my house, stuff has stopped going missing - have a nice day"

Because it always catches me off guard.

@coodawoodashooda

Because it always catches me off guard.

How frequently is this actually happening?

@JoanOgden

Honestly, I'd be fake lovely back. It will leave her nowhere to go and nothing to moan about.

This. Nothing annoys passive-aggressive people more than taking their behaviour at face value!