Help to deal with passive aggressive behaviour 'disguised' as over exaggerated 'niceness'.

[coodawoodashooda]

A while ago a woman in my locality did paid help in my home to support me with my house and kids. Im a lone parent and was grateful for this help. It quickly became apparent that she was taking the piss. Quietly helping herself to my face cream, stuff from the food cupboard, wearing bits and pieces of my clothes. It became a nightmare and eventually i was able to stop her employment. She now, obviously, feels very angry towards me. She doesn't know for certain how much i know about her sneaky bad behaviour. She enacts her grudge towards me by engaging me in conversation with over exaggerated body language and 'niceness'. I go absolutely grey rock but can't put an end to it. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of providing her with the attention shes craving. What can i do?

She's clearly a narcisitic Goady fucker. Give her as minimal imput as possible without giving her the drama of saying you were rude. Flat voice, don't look her in the eye and make an excuse to be elsewhere.

@tenredthings

She's clearly a narcisitic Goady fucker. Give her as minimal imput as possible without giving her the drama of saying you were rude. Flat voice, don't look her in the eye and make an excuse to be elsewhere.

Exactly. Its the, 'goady fucker' part that she does so well. She gets a visible high from being able to keep me engaged. She'd love a raised eye brow or a direct confrontation. Part of me is delighted that i clearly really did pull the rug from under her and took her by surprise.

I agree with @Ourlady … what I get from this is that she’s covering her tracks, so to speak. So if any of it ever comes out (about her nicking your stuff), she can say, feigning innocence, ‘Of course it’s not true! If it were, then why did Cooda never say anything? Why was she always so lovely to my face?’ And as she always seems to do this to you when she’s with other people, she’d have back up. You’d end up looking like a troublemaker and she could play the distressed victim. I certainly would be very friendly toward her.

*wouldnt!!

Is it partly that she talks down to you, as if you're still in a vulnerable place, and it reminds you of that time?

What is stopping you just telling her to fuck off because you know she was stealing from you? You've tried the other ways and it isn't working , some people absolutely need this treatment because they are so thick skinned and needy they will not take any hint whatsoever ! I've lots of experience as disabled daughter has had carers since age 3 and is now 18 and we've been dragged into all sorts of their personal shit , been stolen from, been defrauded on hours worked . I now take no prisoners whatsoever and get rid of them as soon as something is off . Gosh good luck , you sound like this klingon is gonna take some shaking !

This is such a helpful thread. Thank you everyone. I cant describe the way she talks properly. Its as close to being sarcastic without actually being sarcastic. Goady as fk. But all nice and polite 'chat'. Ive thought it through so many times. She wants a reaction. Any sort of reaction. Shes an absolute mastee at holding you there. From where she puts her body to how she sneaks up. Its incredible. But awful.

People of the lie... no point trying to understand them. Avoid them. Good work getting her out of your house. I do wall of pleasant with past offenders, and make it super frosty and brief. Fuck her.

Shes an absolute mastee at holding you there. From where she puts her body to how she sneaks up.

Turn your body away - they chase the solar plexus/your attention. So they can drink in the discomfort, or eyeball you into submission.

'Oh, Gertrude!' fake tight frosty smile, 'I'm running late/must run!' and move away fast. She knows you know. Be rude. Practice your cold rudeness. Be prepared!

She is bullying you and trying to manipulate and control you.

She has a fake public persona and you lifted the curtain to reveal her real duplicitous, lying and thieving actions.

You asking her to leave and grey rocking her is a huge threat to her fake public persona - that’s why she does the stalky OTT behaviours in front of others because she wants to manipulate into being nice to her so others can see. It’s not for your benefit.

Her subsequent behaviour just indicates how unhinged she is.

Don’t give her anything.

You know her game.

She is goading you for a reaction - positive or negative - she can exploit either for her benefits.

But grey rock is confusing and frustrating her.

Swerve more.

Know that your power is distance, detached, dismissive and dignified silence.

Keep strong.

Just let go of the rope.

If she waves, look away, if she tries to engage you in conversation say you've got to leave and walk off, if you can't walk off simply say you've got to make a phone call and step away with the phone in your hand. Have a few of these up your sleeve and avoid avoid avoid.

I'd normally go the direct route but it sounds like she wants you to kick off so she can act the victim, or she's being super nice to see if she can either discredit you somehow or find out how much you know. Either way I'd simply stop interacting with her .

^The hard thing here is not letting her know you know how badly she behaved towards you when that feels so unfair, as if she's got away with it while you had to suffer her actions. So you have a choice - you can either let her know exactly how you feel which will give you short term relief but as you have already pointed out will feed her drama and make it all about her, or you can be coolly polite but distant, not feed her drama, and keep that power for yourself.

Don't give up your hard-earned power.^

Exactly as @WeegieWan says - don’t give up your power.

I would also really school yourself in no response. So practice in your head ‘Hello, good to see you, I can’t stop today’ and walking off. I know it is hard. But if you practice it will be ok.

@coodawoodashooda

Yeah. I know. I like those words. Its the surprise factor that always gets me. She'd love me to tell her to sod off. Then she'd have more fuel for her victim stories.

I would do the absolute opposite. Give it back to her x100. Let her know you are on to her but no satisfaction of being the victim. How about next time you see her, you go over to HER? ‘Hiiiiii X!! It’s SOOOOO good to see you (little wave and smile at person she is with) what are you doing today? Oh that sounds LOVELY! Anyway, must dash- see you soon, yeah? Byeeeeee’ that will take the steam right out of her sails

I’d say “oh Tracey, I must dash” - Tracey not being her name, as if you confused her with someone else.

There is a lovely dismissive line that I use with sales and other unwanted people who (used to) knock on my door:-

Nor today thank you!

Delivered in a suitably snippy tone. Then slam door/walk away.

@coodawoodashooda

This is such a helpful thread. Thank you everyone. I cant describe the way she talks properly. Its as close to being sarcastic without actually being sarcastic. Goady as fk. But all nice and polite 'chat'. Ive thought it through so many times. She wants a reaction. Any sort of reaction. Shes an absolute mastee at holding you there. From where she puts her body to how she sneaks up. Its incredible. But awful.

This is all about what she wants, how she manipulates, how she talks.

She has no power. Unless you allow her to have power over you. Can you not see that by concerning yourself about this, you are creating and perpetuating the 'I win/you lose' game? It's like school.

Either tell her you're going to report her for harassing you and stealing from you, or decide it's not worth it, and move on. Ignore her and work out why you've been allowing this nobody to wind you up so much.

I agree. But she is so good at it. If im rude to her it will break my peace of mind. I want to fix the issue without doing that.

Look her right in the eyes and calmly tell her she needs to stop her inappropriate pursuit of your family after she took advantage of your vulnerability. Stop acknowledging her. No drama. You don't owe her evidence.

@3scape

Look her right in the eyes and calmly tell her she needs to stop her inappropriate pursuit of your family after she took advantage of your vulnerability. Stop acknowledging her. No drama. You don't owe her evidence.

Shed bloody love that. That's the trouble. Sigh.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

I’d say “oh Tracey, I must dash” - Tracey not being her name, as if you confused her with someone else.

I like this idea, plus a blank look and pretend you haven’t heard her so she has to repeat herself.

Thanks everyone. Plenty to think about. Hopefully ill be better suited to ignoring her in the future.

Did anyone successfully shake off a similar perpetrator?

You've said a couple of times that you don't want to 'break my peace of mind' by challenging her. But she is already 'breaking your peace of mind' - enough for you to ask for advice and support from a bunch of strangers (lovely helpful strangers, but strangers nevertheless). I would suggest you grasp the nettle and think through the main scenarios when she sees you and what you could say to reduce the amount of interaction. That way you'll have some words thought through and it won't be so much of a surprise. I can image currently that when she approaches you, you start to panic and the right words just fly out of your head, so think a through a few options, eg sorry got to go the cat's dinner is in the oven , sorry can't talk Mum's minding the kids and she's got diarrhoea, sorry been swiming got water in my ears and can't hear a thing. Really off the wall stuff. Good luck

Shed bloody love that. That's the trouble. Sigh

There will be more sighing until you stop caring what she loves and hates. Not doing what you need to do because you don't want to 'give her the satisfaction' is buying into her manipulation. You'd be better off with a 'Oh, sod it, let her win this one, it's so petty I don't even care' approach. If you want to stop feeling picked on in the street like a kid, you need to stop responding like a kid.

She told me once she tries to find out where is hurts the most. Thats how she dishes out the kid's punishments. The part i cant settle is what she thinks shes doing to me? Its lovely of you all to help me unpick this. Thank you.