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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Little girl in beautiful dress scolded for jumping up and down.

271 replies

0None0 · 17/07/2021 14:40

They were at the bus stop. She was about 5 It was a beautiful white dress with embroidery, and matching shoes She had a carton of juice, and was told off for a little skip of pleasure at the sight of their bus coming, in case the juice splashed on her dress or her shoes. Brother that looked the same age, maybe twins, or just very small age gap, in dark clothes and trainers, also drinking a carton of juice with a straw, leaping up and down like a show jumper, without attracting comment.

WIBU to say something?

OP posts:
VerticalHorizon · 17/07/2021 22:10

No I haven t, but even if I had, this is the incident I wanted a discussion about

That's precisely my point.
The mother decided to admonish the daughter and you've deemed it sexist.
You've chosen to admonish a mother, but that's not sexist.

See the issue yet?

Original poster
0None0 · 17/07/2021 22:13

@VerticalHorizon

No I haven t, but even if I had, this is the incident I wanted a discussion about

That's precisely my point.
The mother decided to admonish the daughter and you've deemed it sexist.
You've chosen to admonish a mother, but that's not sexist.

See the issue yet?

The issue is entirely in your imagination. I am talking about this incident.
OP posts:
Ireolu · 17/07/2021 22:15

Remote parenting annoys me so much. Mind your own business

JudgeJ · 17/07/2021 22:17

WIBU to say something?

Absolutely nothing to do with you, those parrotting 'but it's everyone's business' are deluded. You have no idea of what was happening, you're taking a very tiny event and interpreting to suit your own nosey nature!

VerticalHorizon · 17/07/2021 22:17

I think you are looking for sexism where it's not.
Maybe you're right. The majority don't seem to think so, but you could be right.
Most seem to think it's a pretty logical course of action by a mother to tell her daughter off because she's in danger of making a mess of her dress. She's not in a playground, she's about to catch a bus and being a bit careless with her drink.
There's not the same risk with the boy.
Perhaps she could have said 'and that goes for you too Billy', but she didn't. It doesn't make her sexist, or the act of telling off her daughter sexist.
The decision was not made because of her sex, but because of her attire which just so happened to be at greater risk. That's not sexism.
It's sexism if it's a decision based on her gender, consciously or otherwise.

JudgeJ · 17/07/2021 22:20

@Billandben444

What is the point of this post?
To allow the OP to feel like a superior human being for considering herself the Queen of Parenting Perfection.
VerticalHorizon · 17/07/2021 22:28

She should have mentioned the stench of urine at the bus stop and how that was clearly men pissing after a night out. Then we might have had a universal nod of disdain.

If she was genuinely there for 10 minutes, and the mother annoyed her more than the smell, there's something wrong! (might need a Covid check)

PurpleOkapi · 17/07/2021 22:36

@marmaladehound

No one is inventing examples of sexism. It's a real problem and it's starts as a mum of a girl and boy the way people treat my 2 is staggering in it's sexism. It's everywhere, all around us and until people wake up and see it for what it is nothing will change in the society we live in. We are seeing the consequences of early sexism already in secondary schools, issues of consent, boys asking for naked photos of girls, abs girls sending them!! The list goes on and on. The sexism around us can be very nuanced but it's there all the bloody time.
It may be a real problem, but OP's story isn't an example of it unless the little girl was forced to wear the white dress and not given the option of anything stain-friendlier. Five is old enough that I don't think it's reasonable to assume that. I rather doubt she has a wardrobe full of white dresses and absolutely nothing else.
marmaladehound · 17/07/2021 22:39

@VerticalHorizon

Absolutely sexism is all around us, but it's not in every decision made JUST because it's a girl. We are discussing the case of a lady who none of us know, in incident to which none of us were witness, and yet we're labelling her behaviour as sexist, even in the light of plenty of valid reasons for her decision.

Is the actual observation sexist? As I've said, there are countless examples of sexism on most streets - why choose the mother?
If you're going to argue that the mother's choice of choosing to admonish her daughter (instead of the son) is sexism, then surely, the choice to illustrate the mother's actions against countless possible examples of male sexism is also sexist?

But you don't know that the OP has observed such things with a father. For the most part most parenting, most, not all, that we see in public is from women. Be that mother's, grandmothers, childminders, again mostly women. See many dads at play group? Dads taking their kids out are a minority, so it stands to reason that people will see more parenting from a woman. Women can have very clear ideas about sex and gender too. Not all sexism comes from men. You should hear the way my MIL talks to my 2 as well as my mum! You would think my son and daughter were from a different species sometimes!
Rachie1973 · 17/07/2021 22:39

@0None0

They were at the bus stop. She was about 5 It was a beautiful white dress with embroidery, and matching shoes She had a carton of juice, and was told off for a little skip of pleasure at the sight of their bus coming, in case the juice splashed on her dress or her shoes. Brother that looked the same age, maybe twins, or just very small age gap, in dark clothes and trainers, also drinking a carton of juice with a straw, leaping up and down like a show jumper, without attracting comment.

WIBU to say something?

Totally unreasonable. She asked her not to do something, she didn’t clout her round the ear screaming at her.

Mind your own business.

marmaladehound · 17/07/2021 22:42

@VerticalHorizon

I think you are looking for sexism where it's not. Maybe you're right. The majority don't seem to think so, but you could be right. Most seem to think it's a pretty logical course of action by a mother to tell her daughter off because she's in danger of making a mess of her dress. She's not in a playground, she's about to catch a bus and being a bit careless with her drink. There's not the same risk with the boy. Perhaps she could have said 'and that goes for you too Billy', but she didn't. It doesn't make her sexist, or the act of telling off her daughter sexist. The decision was not made because of her sex, but because of her attire which just so happened to be at greater risk. That's not sexism. It's sexism if it's a decision based on her gender, consciously or otherwise.
See this is where I am different. I fully expect both my kids to get messy. Wearing white or not. And tbh I thought it's was only my husband who gets annoyed with dirty clothes!! Clearly I am the minority Smile
WhatAShilohPitt · 17/07/2021 22:46

Is it not sensible to prevent a child who is wearing a white dress from spilling an orange drink on it? All the info about the little skip of pleasure is sentimental and a bit irrelevant really. The only thing I’d be interested in is whether the child was truly ‘scolded’ or just told to not risk spoiling her dress.

VerticalHorizon · 17/07/2021 22:47

I think we all expect kids to get messy in general, but sometimes we have special occasions where we make efforts to avoid it. If, for some reason your child is dressed up, I think most parents try to keep them clean as best as we can!
I can totally envisage this lady shouting at her daughter not to spill on her dress. We have no context of why she was dressed so nicely.

magsbagsfags · 17/07/2021 22:49

@ThatsNicePet

Not quite the same but I always find it strange when primary-aged girls are dressed in December in school skirts, ankle socks and open/t-bar style shoes, walking to school in the freezing cold, while their brothers are in trousers and regular school shoes. They can walk in puddles and have covered legs while the girls must be freezing! I wouldn’t want to walk about in December with bare legs. It seems like some people don’t even consider warmth or practicality when dressing girls
Most little boys at prep schools have to wear shorts all year including in the winter whilst the girls wear thick tights. So it's not always the girls getting the fairer deal.
omgthepain · 17/07/2021 22:49

Why on earth would you interfere you don't know them or their circumstances

marmaladehound · 17/07/2021 22:49

@WhatAShilohPitt

Is it not sensible to prevent a child who is wearing a white dress from spilling an orange drink on it? All the info about the little skip of pleasure is sentimental and a bit irrelevant really. The only thing I’d be interested in is whether the child was truly ‘scolded’ or just told to not risk spoiling her dress.
Probably more sensible to wear something not white. I know plenty of people who will not buy anything white for this reason.
VerticalHorizon · 17/07/2021 23:08

Or pale in any colour? Since the same logic applies...

Buttercup54321 · 17/07/2021 23:54

She could have been having a special photo taken, being a bridesmaid, attending a celebration to which the boy wasnt invited. Who knows?
But a busybody at a bus stop. I'd have told you to mind your own business in no uncertain terms!!

Motherofking · 18/07/2021 00:28

what would you say ? did you buy the dress ? how is it any of your business

Original poster
0None0 · 18/07/2021 04:38

@Buttercup54321

She could have been having a special photo taken, being a bridesmaid, attending a celebration to which the boy wasnt invited. Who knows? But a busybody at a bus stop. I'd have told you to mind your own business in no uncertain terms!!
No she was just in her way home from supermarket shopping
OP posts:
Original poster
0None0 · 18/07/2021 04:39

@Motherofking

what would you say ? did you buy the dress ? how is it any of your business
It’s my business because once the child is sitting in front of me aged 11, the damage is deeply ingrained, and I can’t reverse it
OP posts:
Winwins · 18/07/2021 04:40

God no, I wouldn’t say anything.

Inside, I’d be thinking “why the have you given her juice in the first place if our want her to stay clean for whatever you’re going to !”

tigger1001 · 18/07/2021 08:51

@0None0 - no it's absolutely none of your business.

Stop being so judgemental based on a snapshot of a few minutes.

Motherofking · 18/07/2021 10:57

@0None0what damage ? whats wrong with teaching a child to not mess up their clothes . How do you even know she is aged 11 . But an 11 year old is old enough to know to not spill juice on their dress

Original poster
0None0 · 18/07/2021 11:26

[quote Motherofking]@0None0what damage ? whats wrong with teaching a child to not mess up their clothes . How do you even know she is aged 11 . But an 11 year old is old enough to know to not spill juice on their dress[/quote]
She wasn’t 11. She was about 5. But I teach secondary, and I know that by age 11 most girls have heard and understood these messages, and have fully internalised them

The value of a girl is in the way she looks. Good girls keep still and stay quiet. Girls don’t take up the space that boys need. Girls are passive, boys are active. Girls are pretty, fragile, need extra care. Are not as robust as boys, need to think before they express emotions,

All these messages I see reflected in girls expectations and ambitions. I see girls who write themselves off academically, because they assign themselves to the ‘naughty’ group, ie noisy, active, whole hearted I see girls carefully place themselves in the corners to allow boys the space to express themselves, I se girls choosing g sports, hobbies, subjects and careers in the basis of these internalised messages.

Do you know boys are twice as likely to grow up to own a car. Why do you think that is?

OP posts: