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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing family for a month, DH says no

428 replies

Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 18:54

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 21:12

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option.
No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉.
I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:13

@LucindaT71

People aren’t saying we must bow down to the man!!

People are saying they wouldn’t like it in his shoes. That’s what a forum is. Opinions on what you’d do in that situation. They don’t even have to listen but most reasonable adults work well with examples. So well if it were to happen to me. This is probably might happen in my shoes. So for example….

Good god. Twist words much.

Siepie · 16/07/2021 21:13

That being, the women here are saying she ought to obey her husband, regardless of what she wants or the grandparents want.

And you think her husband should obey her, despite being the child's other parent and having equal responsibility for him/her? Rather than finding a compromise?

Her parents have not seen their grandchild for 2 years since they were one year old.
She said she's been home once in the last 2 years, not she hasn't been home for 2 years.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:16

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
Oh op....that's so much less dramatic that people thought. People were having so much fun making him out to be awful.....or you of mutilating your child.

You have ruined their fun GrinWink

newnortherner111 · 16/07/2021 21:16

I hope given your decision you are prepared for the possibility of quarantine in the country you are travelling to, or some upon return. Weekend trips for your DH might not be an option, so be prepared for this.

Remember that the UK along with Cyprus is effectively has the Covid high cases.

Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:16

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
I think that spectacularly unfair.

I don’t know the answer to this.

But don’t you need both parents to agree to take children out of a country? So if he really goes against this idea. He can say I don’t agree and you’ll be stopped at customs if he makes his displeasure known to the police? (Extreme example).

I could be totally wrong though! It is just a question to others…

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 21:17

Good for you @Husbandswife. Hope you both have a lovely time.

EasterIssland · 16/07/2021 21:17

If I understand right you’re nlt from uk and neither is your partner ? I’m saying this cuz nowadays it’s not as easy to fly for the weekend.

I’m from Spain and my husband wouldn’t like neither nor seeing my son for a month. Also depending on the child’s Age it might be too much for them to be away from their dad and also from their routine

Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:18

@newnortherner111

I hope given your decision you are prepared for the possibility of quarantine in the country you are travelling to, or some upon return. Weekend trips for your DH might not be an option, so be prepared for this.

Remember that the UK along with Cyprus is effectively has the Covid high cases.

Yes. Friends country is 14 days

Hadn’t thought of that!

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:18

They do actually but don’t let the facts get in the way. I’m beginning to think you’re OP’s bloke@Unsoliciteddeckpic

5 mina before. I have taken many one hour flights in the last 4 years not one has let you turn up 5 mins before. Manchester to Edinburgh early March 2020 was 1 hour before. And you have to allow for traffic getting there.

Don't be ridiculous. I won't agree with you so I must be her husband?

Or is because I think you are being ridiculous adding in loads detail that doesn't exist.

Siepie · 16/07/2021 21:20

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
The more I think about this, the more I think I'd leave my DP if she unilaterally decided to take DS out of the country for a month, especially right now when quarantine rules can change at any time.

For your sake, I hope your DH isn't as strongly against the idea as I am.

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 21:21

What happens if you need to quarantine?

Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:21

@LucindaT71

No way a month. We’d have to come to a compromise. Two weeks either way. Or if we couldn’t do that. I’d have to go twice in one month for a week. Or two weeks

He can visit at weekends.

But he doesn't want to as he finds it boring.

Maybe RTFT?

Classy 😂😂
Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:22

I’d divorce mine if he did this. He knows I would too. But we wouldn’t go ahead with something the other was really against. But that’s just us.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 16/07/2021 21:26

I think YABU. The longest I've been away from my daughter (aged 6) is three nights, I found that really hard. The longest my husband has been away from her is one week and he hated it (he went on holiday with a friend). I would never ever take her away while he is stuck at work, I couldn't do that and wouldn't want to.

Are you happy together?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2021 21:34

The people who think flights are a PITA for him to do... have you got any idea how utterly dreadful the last 18 months have been for people with family abroad? It's always been sad and hard. But recently it's dreadful.

I know my DH is supporting me to see mine ASAP with money and time.

Sirzy · 16/07/2021 21:36

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
That’s awful.

Would you be happy if the boot was on the other foot and he took her away for so long?

I can only assume you don’t appreciate your marriage?

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 21:36

@MrsTerryPratchett

The people who think flights are a PITA for him to do... have you got any idea how utterly dreadful the last 18 months have been for people with family abroad? It's always been sad and hard. But recently it's dreadful.

I know my DH is supporting me to see mine ASAP with money and time.

I grew up not seeing my extended family for years at a time due to where they lived. So yes, I do know how much it can suck.
Whinge · 16/07/2021 21:39

@Nocutenamesleft

I’d divorce mine if he did this. He knows I would too. But we wouldn’t go ahead with something the other was really against. But that’s just us.
You're not alone. I couldn't be with someone who ignored my opinion on such a huge matter, and made a choice behind my back that they knew I didn't agree with.
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:41

I think doing the flight Friday night and Sunday night every weekend for 4 weeks is a pita, yes.

I have also travelled with ds (sen) alone all his life. I would rather do 1 or 2 flights with him. Than doing 2, 2 days apart for 4 weekends.

And my family do live in another country. The shortest time I would travel home would be 4 days. And wouldn't do it again the week after.

But we are all different and our kids are all different.

Almondcroissant25 · 16/07/2021 21:42

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
Your poor DH has such little say in the matter that you book it anyway despite knowing how against it he is? I would be appalled if my partner did this to me, do you really have so little respect for his feelings. Surely it would have been easy to reach a compromise on this.

Also, ‘just an hour away’ on a plane feels a hell of a lot further than an hour down the road. You’ve got the airport run at both sides, the waiting to board/disembark, you have to book tickets, etc. You can’t just get in your car and drive. Poor DH.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:43

As a complete diversion I really want to know which airline or airport let's you turn up 5 mins before the flight takes off, for short haul and domestic flights. That will save me loads of time in the coming years.

That's really handy

SuperstoreFan · 16/07/2021 21:46

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
Carry on the way you're going you'll end up divorced.
Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 21:47

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

As a complete diversion I really want to know which airline or airport let's you turn up 5 mins before the flight takes off, for short haul and domestic flights. That will save me loads of time in the coming years.

That's really handy

Belfast to East Midlands. Walk into airport, scan boarding pass, get onto plane. Ten minutes from taxi to seat.
AnUnoriginalUsername · 16/07/2021 21:49

@Husbandswife

Thanks for all the input. To answer some questions - we both work full time and he’s a hands on dad, but to make childcare work with our hours take both of us. He can’t time off in September so only weekend trips are an option. No FGM or other shocking issues, although someone to do the groceries might be an issue 😉. I’ve decided to go ahead and book the flights for the month long trip, it might be my last chance before DD goes to school and I really want her to rebuild relationships with her extended family.
I think that's awful. I'd be so heartbroken and angry if DH did that to me. And DS for that matter, removing him from his home, the family he actually knows, his dad, his structure, for so long, mines still young but I have several nieces and nephews and not one of them could have coped with that level of disruption without acting out. I'd never forgive him.

What's stopping your family from visiting you? If moneys no object pay for their flights and hotel so they can see you and your child without removing your child from their home and dad.