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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing family for a month, DH says no

428 replies

Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 18:54

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 16/07/2021 21:51

@LucindaT71

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

So this grown man thinks his needs trump those of his wife and her parents.

Yet MN is full of posters telling women NOT to be bullied by selfish men.

Yes, he may miss his child. And????

So the answer is to give in to him. Let him have his own way.

Honestly, some of you ought to give your heads a jolly good wobble.

Agree 💯

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:51

Belfast to East Midlands. Walk into airport, scan boarding pass, get onto plane. Ten minutes from taxi to seat.

Really? Funny that, I am from derry and use Belfast (though not to ema) and their desks have always closed 40 mins before flights.

Not 5 mins before and certainly not taxi to seat in 10 mins.

Seeing family for a month, DH says no
Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 21:54

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

Belfast to East Midlands. Walk into airport, scan boarding pass, get onto plane. Ten minutes from taxi to seat.

Really? Funny that, I am from derry and use Belfast (though not to ema) and their desks have always closed 40 mins before flights.

Not 5 mins before and certainly not taxi to seat in 10 mins.

You don’t go anywhere near the desk, electronic boarding passes have been available on phones for some time here in the 21st century.
PeterIsACockwomble · 16/07/2021 21:54

I'm afraid I think it's a bad decision, especially given the work/childcare set-up you describe. I was a SAHM when my DC were little, and did absolutely everything to do with the children and home. Even then, I'd have thought it a bad idea to take them away from their father for a month. And if he had suggested taking them away for more than a day when they were that age, I would have said over my dead body...

me4real · 16/07/2021 21:57

Have a good trip @Husbandswife . I think it makes sense due to you and your LO not seeing them due to COVID and also as he can come up for weekends anyway, so it's not like you're going for a month and he has no opportunity to see you at all.

It was a bit stroppy/manipulative of him to say your LO couldn't go, effectively trying to stop you being able to go at all.

Abraxan · 16/07/2021 21:58

@gillysSong

YANBU, he isn't even willing to discuss it, does he think he's in charge of you?
Why do people say this? The Dh hasn't told the op she can t go. Just that he doesn't want to have his child away from him for a month.

And tbh I don't blame him.

No way I'd have let Dh take Dd away for a month when she was small! I miss her now when she's away at university and I've not seen her for a month - and that's when she is 19 not 3!

Gazelda · 16/07/2021 21:59

Is it really so important to you that you're not prepared to compromise and you're willing to risk upsetting your DH?

If he made a big decision like this against your wishes, wouldn't you question your partnership? I know that I would.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 22:00

You don’t go anywhere near the desk, electronic boarding passes have been available on phones for some time here in the 21st century

Still have never been able to check in 5 mins before a flight leaves. Electronically or at the desk.

And they recommend about 45 mins befire your flight leaves.

Like I said, last Manchester to Edinburgh was an hour before.

Whinge · 16/07/2021 22:01

It was a bit stroppy/manipulative of him to say your LO couldn't go, effectively trying to stop you being able to go at all.

Equally you could say it's stroppy and manipulative of the OP to completely ignore any compromises or discussion, and instead just book the trip and take the child away from their father for a month.

Abraxan · 16/07/2021 22:03

@LucindaT71

Goodness, there are some frankly rather weird responses here.

Surely 4 weeks away is nothing?

What about families where a parent works in the Forces and is away at sea for months on end? Or on rigs- month on, month off? Or sent overseas on a business trip for weeks?

You'd think the OP had said 6 months, not 4 weeks!

OP your H is being silly. If you have not seen your family other than once in 2 years, it's perfectly reasonable to spend time with them.

I'm not sure they live overseas or an hour's flight is eg London to Edinburgh/ Aberdeen, but come on- he needs to man up.

But it's not the same is it?

Presumable if your partner has a job which entails working away for lengthy periods you make a decision when having a child together in full knowledge that one of you will not be seeing the child for weeks at a time.
Likewise when someone takes a job involving long distance travel and lengthy periods of time away when you already have a child - surely you make that decision together before committing.

Trenisenne · 16/07/2021 22:05

Glad you’re going OP. I took my kids back for a week or two at a time when they were small (they are now early primary). My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year or so before lockdown and he’s deteriorated a lot over the past 18 months and next time my kids see him, he won’t be able to properly interact with them. I wish that I’d taken the chance to have my kids spend more time with him when he was well.

Luxplus · 16/07/2021 22:07

We live in my home country. Dh is from another country, takes approximately 1.50 hour to fly too. He pre covid19 would often fly out for a long weekend to see family and friends. Sometimes alone and sometimes with our dds or with us all if possible. But we have always agreed on 3 nights with the girls at the most to be away from their home. I would definitely not agree to 1 month at all.
Btw my mom is also from a different country so I grew up having family abroad. We went their every summer, my mom and me for a week , then my dad came for a week and then my mom stayed alone for a week..
If dh took the dds away for a month eventhough I told him I was against it I'd divorce him. It's our kids therefore such decisions ought to be made an agreement about and be on the same page

Abraxan · 16/07/2021 22:10

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his own way

If it was the other way round and the father was taking his child away for a month and mum didn't want them to go for that long I'd be saying exactly the same.

Has the op said they'd be happy to be away from her child for a month in the roles were reversed? If he could sort childcare would she be happy to leave their son home whilst she went away? If not, why not?

me4real · 16/07/2021 22:15

If it was the other way round and the father was taking his child away for a month and mum didn't want them to go for that long I'd be saying exactly the same. Has the op said they'd be happy to be away from her child for a month in the roles were reversed? If he could sort childcare would she be happy to leave their son home whilst she went away? If not, why not?

@Abraxan It's not like he has to not see them for a month, he can come every weekend if he wants.

Iwonder08 · 16/07/2021 22:16

Extremely selfish. The child will also not going to benefit from being away from her dadbfor the whole month. With this attitude divorce is likely

Abraxan · 16/07/2021 22:19

Yes, because taking a flight every weekend - and that only works if the flight times work (as someone who has been looking at a lot of flights lately they often don't work to allow a proper weekend at all) - is such as easy think this summer!

So, taking off all the travel time involved, he gets 1-1.5 days maximum a week to spend with his child, whilst also being stuck in someone else's house.

The op is totally unreasonable to have ignored her dh's request and book anyway.

The OP hasn't yet said if she'd be happy to go a month without seeing her child, or be happy with going all week without her son and just popping by for one day or so a week which involves lots of travel hassle, especially at the moment with Covid.

Abraxan · 16/07/2021 22:21

Tbh I'd be questioning my relationship if my partner overruled my wishes entirely and took my child away from me for a month when I'd said I wasn't happy for that to happen.

If that's the case then the OP might need to be prepared to be spend extended away from her child if her Dh took this as a final straw and wanted equal custody.

TotorosCatBus · 16/07/2021 22:21

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his own way

I've only scanned replies but most say find a compromise length of time.

bakingdemon · 16/07/2021 22:25

I would not be able to spend a month away from my child. That is a really long time to be away. Your poor husband. You don't seem sympathetic at all to him missing his family.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 22:29

You don't seem sympathetic at all to him missing his family

Works both ways. She hasn’t seen hers for two years and his sympathy appears to be non existent.

oblada · 16/07/2021 22:33

@Luxplus

We live in my home country. Dh is from another country, takes approximately 1.50 hour to fly too. He pre covid19 would often fly out for a long weekend to see family and friends. Sometimes alone and sometimes with our dds or with us all if possible. But we have always agreed on 3 nights with the girls at the most to be away from their home. I would definitely not agree to 1 month at all. Btw my mom is also from a different country so I grew up having family abroad. We went their every summer, my mom and me for a week , then my dad came for a week and then my mom stayed alone for a week.. If dh took the dds away for a month eventhough I told him I was against it I'd divorce him. It's our kids therefore such decisions ought to be made an agreement about and be on the same page
3 nights at the most? Goodness thats a bit restrictive!

I fully understand the OP wanting to spend a month seeing friends and family since she is not working and the husband is and i wouldn't be impressed if my husband didn't support me in that scenario. The DD will have a great time and a month will fly by. What is the actual issue?

oblada · 16/07/2021 22:34

@Blossomtoes

You don't seem sympathetic at all to him missing his family

Works both ways. She hasn’t seen hers for two years and his sympathy appears to be non existent.

Exactly! And how much is he going to be missing with a 3yrs old when he's working full time? A couple of hours in the evening? And for the weekend he can come over to see them. It's really just a month, hardly the end of the world
Whinge · 16/07/2021 22:35

She hasn’t seen hers for two years and his sympathy appears to be non existent.

I guess it depends on how you read the OPs posts. I don't think he's being unsympatheic at all. If anything the OP seems to be the unsympatheic one, ignoring his feelings and ploughing on regardless.

33feethighandrising · 16/07/2021 22:37

@bakingdemon

I would not be able to spend a month away from my child. That is a really long time to be away. Your poor husband. You don't seem sympathetic at all to him missing his family.
But he doesn't have to spend a month without his child. It's an hour flight and the OP has said money isn't an issue so he could easily join them on the weekends. He just doesn't want to because he thinks it's boring

So, he's the one choosing not to see his DD for a month, because he can't be arsed go get on a plane and be somewhere not centred around his needs.

That's massively selfish IMO.

FWIW my DP worked away in the week when DD was little, and he only saw us on weekends. This was our life. It'd not ideal, but a month is totally doable.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/07/2021 22:38

“Gardenwalldilema
Go twice for a week, a month is far too long.
Who's rich enough to buy flights/long-distance trains like that?”

If the OP is writing from the U.K., then bear in mind that to do this you don’t even necessarily need to be as rich as a person travelling on many U.K. train journeys to get back home on the weekend from working in another part of the country.

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