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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing family for a month, DH says no

428 replies

Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 18:54

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

OP posts:
warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:58

@Blossomtoes

My guess is that this is nothing to do with not seeing his child for a month. What he’s worried about is there will be nobody to cook his meals, do his washing and warm his bed.
Even though he's said he doesn't mind her going, he just doesn't want to be without his child for a month?

Are people just making shit up now? I mean, come on, it's RIGHT THERE in the first post!

HotSauceCommittee · 16/07/2021 20:58

You sound like you really need a break and you miss your country. You also sound trapped by your husband job and the childcare all falling onto you, no matter how much you love your daughter.
No judgement from me; it sounds hard for you, OP x

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:59

@Blossomtoes

Except he doesn't mind her going?

So he says. He knows she won’t go without her child so he can safely say anything he likes.

If she won't go without her child, why should he be expected to be without his child?

It works both ways. Compromise would be OP going for two weeks and her child coming back halfway through, and OP staying out there for the remainder of the month.

TrixieThunder · 16/07/2021 20:59

Except he doesn't mind her going?

Well he says that, but he actually can’t look after the child by himself anyway due to his work so I’d be interesting in knowing what his solution will be to that?

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 20:59

@Blossomtoes

Except he doesn't mind her going?

So he says. He knows she won’t go without her child so he can safely say anything he likes.

Wtf? Why won't she go without her child?

Next year, she may want to go away for a week on her own and he would be fine with it. Maybe this time she will take teb child for 2 weeks and then come home and go for a week alone.

Where are you getting this extra detail from? What am I missing?

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 21:00

@HotSauceCommittee

You sound like you really need a break and you miss your country. You also sound trapped by your husband job and the childcare all falling onto you, no matter how much you love your daughter. No judgement from me; it sounds hard for you, OP x
Where do you get that all the childcare is falling to her? She doesn't say that anywhere - just that he can't do it alone. It could be that she couldn't do it all alone if he went away either.
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:01

@TrixieThunder

Except he doesn't mind her going?

Well he says that, but he actually can’t look after the child by himself anyway due to his work so I’d be interesting in knowing what his solution will be to that?

Again, op didn't say that. She said hevcant do the childcare alone because of work.

Op also works, it's very possible she couldn't do it all alone either.

Why is there an assumption he doesn't do plenty of childcare?

Most people struggle on their own, doing it all. I was a single parent, its not easy. Especially, if your job doesn't allow.

I had to leave a job when I became a singer parent. He can't leave his job so op can have a trip for a month

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 21:01

@TrixieThunder

Except he doesn't mind her going?

Well he says that, but he actually can’t look after the child by himself anyway due to his work so I’d be interesting in knowing what his solution will be to that?

She could go for less time. The child could go for less time and he could take some annual leave. His family could help out with childcare while he works, and then he could see them every morning, evening and at weekends. He could change his hours for a few weeks.

There are plenty of solutions that don't involve him not seeing his child for a month.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 16/07/2021 21:02

I think it massively comes down to what visitations were like before having a baby. Really, it should have been discussed, clearly it hasn't so its fair to assume that DH assumed similar visitations would continue. If before covid/baby, you went for month long holidays to your home country then he should have expected it. Although I don't think he has to accept it, I don't think most people here would be happy with being away from their child for a month, there just seems to be a lot of women on here that don't want men "getting their own way."

If before baby you went for a week here and there then to suddenly spring a month long holiday is unreasonable. You had a child knowing your family lived in a different country, and you chose to move away from your family.

There is a mega anti-men mentality on here and it's not good. So many assumptions made about a person who has only said they don't want their child being taken abroad for a month.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 21:02

@TrixieThunder

Except he doesn't mind her going?

Well he says that, but he actually can’t look after the child by himself anyway due to his work so I’d be interesting in knowing what his solution will be to that?

This. All he’s going to miss is a couple of hours each week day evening if he’d just overcome his boredom and take an hour’s flight at weekends. I’m absolutely not buying it.
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:02

Has op said his family are usually on hand to help out or very involved or available to help out with childcare.

Or even that her dh hasn't got a plan in mind?

TheNameTheWebsiteForgot · 16/07/2021 21:03

Take DC for 2 weeks and then he comes over to collect DC for 2 weeks while you stay with your family alone.

TrixieThunder · 16/07/2021 21:04

I haven’t said he doesn’t do ‘plenty of childcare’, but the OP said quite clearly that he can’t do all the pick up/ drop offs. I’m not making assumptions - I’m asking a question. If she’s allowed to go alone for a month but he can’t do all the pick ups/ drop off - what’s the solution?

And why is it fair that OP has made a huge compromise to move to him but it’s ‘too boring’ for him to make the effort to visit over the weekends? It seems that the entire focus of compromise her is OP having to change her plans in one way or another because he doesn’t seem interested in making an effort for her.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:05

This. All he’s going to miss is a couple of hours each week day evening if he’d just overcome his boredom and take an hour’s flight at weekends. I’m absolutely not buying it.

An hour's flight isn't an hour. We have no idea how long to the airport. Even short haul flights don't let you show up 5 mins before.

My one hour flights take 5.5 hours door to door.

Siepie · 16/07/2021 21:06

YABU, would you be happy if he took your DC away for a month?

DP's family also live about an hour's flight away. They haven't even met DS due to covid. We're all going out there for a fortnight next month. Can you not find a compromise, e.g. going for a fortnight, or going together and he can WFH there (depending on his job)?

If DP announced she would taking DS without me for a month I would be upset - I would miss both of them!

FWIW I work in a very international team, plenty of colleagues are either from another country or their partners are. I don't know any who have taken small children on their own for that long (I think a couple have with teenagers).

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 21:06

If she’s allowed to go alone for a month but he can’t do all the pick ups/ drop off - what’s the solution?

We don't know. But if he has said he is happy for her to go for a month, bit not the child. He might, just might, have a plan.

TotorosCatBus · 16/07/2021 21:06

If money is no object could you do 2 trips? Say 10 days there/10 days home/10 days there or something ?

1 month is very long for a child so young.

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 21:07

This. All he’s going to miss is a couple of hours each week day evening if he’d just overcome his boredom and take an hour’s flight at weekends. I’m absolutely not buying it.

It's not "just" an hours' flight though, is it? He's at work until Friday night and needs to be back for Monday morning, so he won't arrive until very late Friday night and will need to leave either at the crack of dawn on Monday or, more likely, on Sunday evening to get home.

He'll need to factor in travel time to the airport, checking in, flight, and then the reverse back home. It's a lot of hassle (and very tiring) for less than 48 hours away each weekend for a month.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 21:07

Even short haul flights don't let you show up 5 mins before

They do actually but don’t let the facts get in the way. I’m beginning to think you’re OP’s bloke @Unsoliciteddeckpic.

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 21:07

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

Yes of course....predominantly female posters are claiming they wouldn't want to be separated from their own child for a month......just so they can side with a man.

Do you really think so little of women? That they don't have their own opinions? Only voice a fake opinion, to support men?

You are missing the point @Unsoliciteddeckpic

That being, the women here are saying she ought to obey her husband, regardless of what she wants or the grandparents want.

Also, he can visit at a weekend but he doesn't want to because he finds it boring.

And yes, he will miss his child.
Yes, mums would miss their child too.

But people here are incredibly selfish.
Her parents have not seen their grandchild for 2 years since they were one year old.

But okay. Give in to the husband. Poor darling.

TrixieThunder · 16/07/2021 21:09

We don't know. But if he has said he is happy for her to go for a month, bit not the child. He might, just might, have a plan.

He might. He may well have a childcare solution that will carry him over for a month. Equally he might know that he can’t do it in reality and know that will mean OP having to cut her own visit short (or cancel altogether). All we know is that OP said he can’t do all the drop offs/ pick ups so I’m curious to know what that actually means in reality for the month.

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 21:09

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

If she’s allowed to go alone for a month but he can’t do all the pick ups/ drop off - what’s the solution?

We don't know. But if he has said he is happy for her to go for a month, bit not the child. He might, just might, have a plan.

A plan? what on earth are you on about now?
Nocutenamesleft · 16/07/2021 21:10

@Husbandswife

Moneys not a problem so there’s no reason why he can’t come for weekends, he just finds it boring. We’re living in his home country not mine, so over COVID my family haven’t been able to develop a strong relationship with our child. FaceTime doesn’t work great with a toddler! That’s why I want to go for an extended time, plus I want to see family and all my friends, that takes time. By saying I can’t stay that long with DD means that I can’t stay either, his job means he can’t do childcare alone.
No

I really would t like my husband to take my kids away for a month. I’d struggle with two weeks and I’m the more laid back one

No way a month. We’d have to come to a compromise. Two weeks either way. Or if we couldn’t do that. I’d have to go twice in one month for a week. Or two weeks

It’s not that I wouldn’t allow it. But I think you’re being unreasonable.

One of the best compromises I can see is that your family come here for a month. If they can. However I really wouldn’t like that and would put my foot down to an extent.

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 21:10

They do actually but don’t let the facts get in the way. I’m beginning to think you’re OP’s bloke @Unsoliciteddeckpic**.

And me Grin

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 21:11

No way a month. We’d have to come to a compromise. Two weeks either way. Or if we couldn’t do that. I’d have to go twice in one month for a week. Or two weeks

He can visit at weekends.

But he doesn't want to as he finds it boring.

Maybe RTFT?