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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seeing family for a month, DH says no

428 replies

Husbandswife · 16/07/2021 18:54

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

OP posts:

Namenic · 16/07/2021 20:39

It would annoy me if it was reduced to 2 weeks if I had stayed in his country for 2 years without seeing my family. I guess it’d be ok if I negotiated an annual holiday there which was at least 2 weeks; but would prefer it if it was 3. DH would get all the bank holidays in this country plus the rest of the annual leave; and more flexibility with seeing friends and family at weekends.

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:39

@SlothinSpirit

Well, it's going to have a lot less impact on the child to be away from a parent who is not their primary carer for a few weeks. That's just common sense.

And yes, they will miss their child, but if they can't be bothered to do nursery pick-ups/drop-offs or take the odd bit of leave and care for their child themselves so the primary carer can visit their family alone, they really don't have a leg to stand on.

It doesn't say anywhere in OP's posts that she's primary carer. She says she works too, she just has September off whereas her husband doesn't.

Her DH may not be able to do all pick-ups and drop-offs on his own, but maybe she can't do them all on her own either. It's very common for parents to alter their working days so one does drop-offs and the other does pick-ups in order to save money or to minimise time spent in childcare.

SlothinSpirit · 16/07/2021 20:41

Well, maybe the OP can answer those question.

But after the horrific almost 18 months we've just had, the OP's DH should be prepared to do a fair bit to ensure she gets a lengthy and relaxed visit to her family (even if some of it without her DC). It's only fair given she's living away from her home country and family.

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 20:41

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

So this grown man thinks his needs trump those of his wife and her parents.

Yet MN is full of posters telling women NOT to be bullied by selfish men.

Yes, he may miss his child. And????

So the answer is to give in to him. Let him have his own way.

Honestly, some of you ought to give your heads a jolly good wobble.

SlothinSpirit · 16/07/2021 20:43

Especially since he can just hop on a plane. Much easier for him to travel alone than for the OP to cart a small child back and forth through the airport with the buggy, nappy bag and all the paraphernalia.

DHandInterview · 16/07/2021 20:43

YANBU, I think given your circumstances it's reasonable and your DH should just come visit you for a few days in the middle.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 20:45

@LucindaT71

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

So this grown man thinks his needs trump those of his wife and her parents.

Yet MN is full of posters telling women NOT to be bullied by selfish men.

Yes, he may miss his child. And????

So the answer is to give in to him. Let him have his own way.

Honestly, some of you ought to give your heads a jolly good wobble.

Totally agree. Surely anyone can manage without their child for a month? Especially when that could be remedied with a short flight.

GreenCrayon · 16/07/2021 20:45

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his own way

Why it so weird for some posters to voice that to them not being with their child for a month is a long time? Just as for some posters they would relish a month away from their 3 year old naturally others would not wish to do so unless their was no other choice.

Also no one is saying he needs to get his own way, they both need to compromise until they come up with a solution that works for them both. One parents opinion is not worth more than the others.

cadburyegg · 16/07/2021 20:46

YABU. If it was the other way round and a dad was posting on here then it would be an unanimous YABU. Would you like it if your DH took the 3yo away for a month? Can’t you compromise and go for 2 weeks instead?

Moonwhite · 16/07/2021 20:46

Not wanting to be separated from his child is clearly a red herring then. He doesn't want you to go away at all.

Call his bluff. "OK, she stays here while I'm away." Don't bother to do the wifework of trying to figure out theoretical childcare solutions for him. His real objections will surface very quickly.

theThreeofWeevils · 16/07/2021 20:46

@Welbru

"TO decide whether the H is actually being U we need the REAL reason as to why he is opposed..."

I have my suspicions, but can't post on here.

Unlikely, with 1 hour flight time, if I am right about what you suspect (I am assuming FGM, and I don't see why that would be a banned topic on mumsnet, of all places).

(OP, I haven't inferred that from your posts, just to be clear)
If you want to go 'home' for a month and the father can't manage work+ childcare logistics, then of course the child goes with you.

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:47

Not wanting to be separated from his child is clearly a red herring then. He doesn't want you to go away at all.

And you know that...how?

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2021 20:48

Why can't you go with child for a couple of weeks, he joins you for a weekend, takes child home, uses a couple of weeks holiday to take care of her/go away/have days out whatever?

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:49

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

Why do you think him being a man has anything to do with the responses?

If a man came on here and wanted to take his child away for a month, I would say exactly the same thing - a month is, imo, too long for a 3yo to be separated from one of their parents.

And people will come at me and say "what about the army/oil rigs/people on business trips" but for me, the point still stands. I wouldn't voluntarily put my child in a situation where they'd go a month without seeing one of their parents.

You can be aghast all you like.

Tangled123 · 16/07/2021 20:50

A former Polish colleague of mine had a child with a guy from Northern Ireland while living and working here. They broke up, and he refused to let her take the child back to Poland to visit relatives, even after agreeing initially so everything was booked. The courts sided with him, as she had previously taken the child out of the country against his will, but it’s something OP needs to bear in mind when planning trips abroad.

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable to want to visit home though. The husband is being selfish and mean for not trying to reach a compromise. There’s a few options here:

The visit remains at 4 weeks and husband goes too.
Visit is 4 weeks, but husband takes child home part way through and enlists help from family or takes annual leave to mind the child until OP goes back.
The visit can be reduced to 2-3 weeks, with another later in the year.

cadburyegg · 16/07/2021 20:50

@SlothinSpirit

Go for 2 weeks and tell him he can fly out then and take your DC home. Then stay another 2 weeks on your own... it will be nice for you to have a break from looking after your child if you're usually the primary carer and will give him a chance to bond with his child more by taking on that role for a while.

Travelling with a small child is a nightmare so whichever solution you come up with, you should minimise the flights your DC is doing. Much easier for him to fly out for a few days than for you and DC to come back and go again.

This is a good suggestion. Neither parent is away from child for longer than 2 weeks, OP has a nice mix of child free time with her family and time with child and family, and OP’s DH would hopefully be able to sort something with his work for childcare as it’s only 2 weeks.

TrixieThunder · 16/07/2021 20:51

He is BU. The bit that throws it for me is we’re all assuming it’s because he’ll miss his DC for that long, but then finds the trip to actually see them ‘too boring’ to agree to. You’ve given up your home to be with him and he can’t even be bothered to come and visit your family for a few of the weekends. The compromise seems to be just ‘no, you can’t take DC’ which is really poor and all in his favour.

bluebeck · 16/07/2021 20:52

YABU

No way would I want to be apart from my three year old for a month.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 16/07/2021 20:52

YANBU, a month isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.
If this was a newborn we were taking about I’d kind of understand it, not wanting to miss out on that special stage but I don’t see a valid reason to object (in fact I’d appreciate the peace!).

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 20:52

My guess is that this is nothing to do with not seeing his child for a month. What he’s worried about is there will be nobody to cook his meals, do his washing and warm his bed.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 20:52

I am actually aghast at the number of posters who think a month is a long time AND that the MAN needs to get his won way [anger]

Yes of course....predominantly female posters are claiming they wouldn't want to be separated from their own child for a month......just so they can side with a man.

Do you really think so little of women? That they don't have their own opinions? Only voice a fake opinion, to support men?

ejhhhhh · 16/07/2021 20:53

I can see your point, but your DH is not being unreasonable. He doesn't want to spend a month away from his wife and child, some people would be OK with that, but understandably some aren't. After working all week it's also not unreasonable that he doesn't want to travel at the weekends to see you, so some compromise is in order. Could he take a weeks holiday so he could spend time there with you all? Then could you come back for a weekend towards the other end of the month visit him? I think just disappearing for a month and expecting him to be OK with it, or to do all the travelling back and forth if he's not, is unreasonable, so I definitely agree with other posters that YABU.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 20:54

@Blossomtoes

My guess is that this is nothing to do with not seeing his child for a month. What he’s worried about is there will be nobody to cook his meals, do his washing and warm his bed.

Except he doesn't mind her going?

Is op posting under another name and I am missing it? Because so many posters are just adding completely made up bits into this.

igelkott2021 · 16/07/2021 20:56

If you can afford the trip you can afford extra childcare while you're away.

But a month IS a long time and what happens if covid rules change and you get stuck there? Or your DH can't come for weekends? Or he does and he gets stuck there too?

Not sure why he thinks coming for weekends is boring, I lived overseas for six months and DH (before we got married) used to visit every other weekend.

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2021 20:56

Except he doesn't mind her going?

So he says. He knows she won’t go without her child so he can safely say anything he likes.

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