Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

Exactly @LucindaT71

It’s about the child’s needs as well. If going in September there is ages before school is an issue. Why does it have to be a whole month?

When you don't live in your home country, and bring your child up in another country, one feels a great need for your child to experience your own culture, just being around your own family, everyday things - not the rushed jollity of a visit, but just normal life. A lovely easy month where you're not rushing to fit in all the relatives, and your child just allowed to "be", in the relaxed everyday normality.

@RyvitaBrevis

YANBU. You live in his home country away from your family, the least he can do is allow you to do this. It's not an unreasonable request. There are some heartless posters tonight. It's tough living in a foreign country away from friends and family and a month is not that long. My DH would be supportive of this and would visit for a week or two in order to see us.

I agree with you, @RyvitaBrevis. I think the OP's husband is being unreasonable in not bothering to travel one or two or even every week-end to be with his family, since his wife has not seen her own family for such a long time. Effectively, by saying she can go and stay for a month, but their daughter can't, he is blocking her from going as he won't be able to look after their child at home whilst he's working. It's quite normal for families where the parents come from different countries and one of them is living away from their home country, for the ex-pat parent to take the children to their home country for an extended visit to their family over the summer. I really don't understand all the fuss about it here, particularly as the father can clearly visit if he wants to, it's just he can't be arsed.

I hope your husband comes round to the idea as I don't think its an unreasonable suggestion at all. It will be great having time for your dd to bond with your family - the past year must have been hard for you. Good luck!

It's not uncommon for one parent to work away Monday to Friday and only see their child on weekends. And this is only for a month.

Blossomtoes - it takes me ten to 20 minutes to clear security, and the gate always used in our airport for Belfast is about a half mile walk after that.. you are very lucky if you can do it in 10 mins!

@mocktail

It's not uncommon for one parent to work away Monday to Friday and only see their child on weekends. And this is only for a month.

I agree, but generally that's something that's done with prior agreement, or it was already the case before the children came along.

OP has just unilaterally decided to go ahead anyway.

And we’re in COVID times , I’d be surprised if none of the countries involved would put measurements in place and request pcrs / vaccination etc so that the dad could fly every weekend. Not only that, in a month things can change loads and you might need to extend the stay because the borders have been closed.

Im thinking whether to take my son for 2 weeks to my home country and that’s my biggest fear , having to extend the stay because closing borders

@warmfluffytowels

No she hasn't. Why should she not see her family for 2 years just because he doesn't like it?

It's quite normal for the ex-pat parent to take the kids on an extended trip.

And he can join them, he just can't be arsed and the poor love will be "bored".

The child has two parents from two different countries, and till now only knows one side of the family.

Well, it's her turn now.

@Crocodilesoup

Blossomtoes - it takes me ten to 20 minutes to clear security, and the gate always used in our airport for Belfast is about a half mile walk after that.. you are very lucky if you can do it in 10 mins!

Read my post - my journey starts in Belfast. Even if it started at East Midlands it’s a tiny airport, which is why I like it. Yes, I am lucky, aren’t I? Can we stop derailing the thread now?

[quote AhNowTed]@warmfluffytowels

No she hasn't. Why should she not see her family for 2 years just because he doesn't like it?

It's quite normal for the ex-pat parent to take the kids on an extended trip.

And he can join them, he just can't be arsed and the poor love will be "bored".

The child has two parents from two different countries, and till now only knows one side of the family.

Well, it's her turn now.[/quote]
Unfortunately that's what happens when you choose to set up home in a different area to your family. I grew up not seeing my extended family as a result - it's just life for some people.

However, my mum never unilaterally decided to take me away from my dad for a month - they spoke about it, they discussed it, and we only ever went for two weeks at a time - three weeks as I got a bit older.

He never said she couldn't see her family, just that he didn't want to go without his kid for a month.

People saying "oh, he can fly over" - um, does COVID mean nothing to you? What if he ends up stuck out there due to a positive test or quarantine restrictions changing and can't get back for work?

I would feel bored flying to see my in-laws every weekend for a month too, so there is absolutely zero judgement from me about that

Responding to a post isn't derailing! Security is a bugger to get through in most airports. You are lucky if you can do it so fast, I don't think that is the norm though so worth pointing out (just as you thought your fast journey was worth pointing out)

@warmfluffytowels I assure you I didn't "choose" this at all.

How disrespectful. Not all immigrants have much of a choice.

And even if I take your point to it's logical conclusion, he "chose" to marry an immigrant, so perhaps he also needs to suck it up.

@Blossomtoes you have derailed this thread loads of times.

You added in loads of stuff about ops husband, that wasn't even true.

You keep making things up, to try and get people to agree with you.

Its really, frankly, very odd.

[quote AhNowTed]@warmfluffytowels I assure you I didn't "choose" this at all.

How disrespectful. Not all immigrants have much of a choice.

And even if I take your point to it's logical conclusion, he "chose" to marry an immigrant, so perhaps he also needs to suck it up.
[/quote]
@AhNowTed I presume the immigrants that don’t have much of a choice aren’t going to be happily flying around visiting their home countries because said home countries are unsuitable 😂 get a grip being an immigrant is a choice

@CastawayQueen so is marrying one.

[quote Whiskycav]@Blossomtoes you have derailed this thread loads of times.

You added in loads of stuff about ops husband, that wasn't even true.

You keep making things up, to try and get people to agree with you.

Its really, frankly, very odd.[/quote]
I made nothing up. I surmised about OP’s husband’s motives - what I said was prefaced by “I guess”, go and check. You’re simply taking exception because I disagree with you.

@Husbandswife did your husband say that he doesn’t want to come at weekends because it’s boring - on this occasion?

The trouble with consulting your partner about things and only doing stuff you both agree on is that there's only two of you in a relationship.

If someone decides to be controlling, they can operate "discussion" as a veto, can't they?

"We discussed it. I said no, I don't agree. You're not doing it. End of story."

Imagine that every single time you want to do anything.

And vice versa which seems to be happening here.

“I want to go away for a month”
“I don’t want DC to be away for a month”
“Tough, I’m taking them anyway”

@Blossomtoes so you didn't say;

So he says. He knows she won’t go without her child so he can safely say anything he likes.

OK 🤷‍♀️

if he can't be arsed to get on a plane for at least one weekend in the middle, then it's him deciding not to see DC for a month. OP, you should go. Spend time with your family and let them get to know your DC. If OP did this all the time the YABU, but she doesn't. What a fantastic opportunity. I'm sorry your DP isn't on board with your adventure, which he has the chance of being part of every five days or so if he chose to.

@LittleBearPad

And vice versa which seems to be happening here.

“I want to go away for a month”
“I don’t want DC to be away for a month”
“Tough, I’m taking them anyway”

Or, I’ve not been back for years, I miss my family and they’ve barely met our child. I want to book for a month. I think I regret living in your country, I make all the sacrifices. Him: who cares you can’t go for a month. Lots of ways to put it… remember she can’t legate her child with him either as he can’t do pick up and drop off so he’s telling the op she can’t spend a month with her family after not seeing them for years. My husband would say of course darling, I’ll come the middle weekend. But he’s not a selfish twat.

So would mine @timeisnotaline.

Either way with this situation there needs to be some compromise. And the amount of time seems a natural point to compromise on.