Seeing family for a month, DH says no

[Husbandswife]

Need advice - I’ve only been at home once in the last 2 years. I want to go visit my family for a month in September, taking my three year old. My DH says it’s too long and I can go for that length but I can’t take our child. AIBU?

Sorry I haven't read the full thread but the title caught my eye.
I've just arrived in Spain to visit my mother for a month with my youngest (15) and have been doing the same for 14 years. Eldest is 20 so comes out (pre covid ) a couple of times over the summer.
DH has to work and can't come out at all some years so stays at home and looks after the cats.
Obviously at times he's missed his DDs but can see what they gain. They are closer to their grandma and actually spend more time with her than they do his mother who is an hours drive away from home.
He comes out on various shorter trips throughout the year and it works well for us.
It's the way it's always been.
I must admit when they were tiny he would pop over at least once or twice because four weeks is a long time when they are so little.
Fortunately he would never try and stop us going and actually it's always been a great circuit breaker in our relationship, as strange as that may sound!
I can't remember a time that the girls would miss him but they would always be so excited to go home to see him, or perhaps they were more excited to see their cats, who knows!
Tonight he phoned DD2 to talk to her but wasn't the least bit offended when she cut the chat short because she wanted to go back in the pool. He's just happy that they are happy, whatever or where ever they may be.
I'm sure at times he's rather be here to share in their experiences but just because he can't doesn't mean that they should not.

Ffs it’s just a month!! Enjoy your trip ! I know exactly how you feel I finally got home with my new baby a few weeks back to see my family and we are staying for 6 weeks!

My husband is here though as luckily he had annual leave for a few weeks can work from here for the rest!
If he couldn’t I would have come anyway ! Need my family to meet my baby and I missed them all so much

I don't think he's being unsympatheic at all

@Whinge Well he clearly is unsympathetic or he'd understand and let her take the trip. And he wouldn't be using manipulative tactics to try and prevent her being able to go.

@Husbandswife How are things with you and your husband in general? How does he treat you?

But he doesn't have to spend a month without his child. It's an hour flight and the OP has said money isn't an issue so he could easily join them on the weekends

Not necessarily.

The flight times may not work well around his job, meaning he may only be able to fly out Saturday and come back Sunday.

Flights are all over the place with COVID - will be need to pay for a negative test? Is he jabbed? What if he goes and has to quarantine and can't work? All things that have to be considered.

If we weren't mid pandemic with flights and such changing every day, it wouldn't be as complicated.

My mum used to take me to India for 6 weeks every other summer holidays, I can't see what the big deal is. Lots of people do this, I mean go back to their home country so that their children can spend time with their extended families. It sounds quite a good idea to do it before the child starts school.

Well he clearly is unsympathetic or he'd understand and let her take the trip. And he wouldn't be using manipulative tactics to try and prevent her being able to go.

He isn't stopping the OP from going. How is it manipulative to say you'd miss your child and prefer not to spend a month away from them?

On the other hand ignoring all reasonable discussion and booking a trip to take their child away for a month is pretty manipulative behaviour.

I don’t think I’d take my kid out of the country without my partner’s permission - so I don’t agree with op on that one.

But I’m not sure if I could stay with someone who doesn’t appreciate that me being away from my family/friends/country for 2 years is a big sacrifice and they don’t want to visit my home country regularly because it’s ‘boring’. I know there’s the issue about the not being able to take the time off in sept, so if it was 2wks this year, I’d push for it to be twice yearly or 3wks once per year. People who say flying family over - do people have any idea about larger families: siblings, spouses, cousins in addition to grandparents? I mean if it’s feasible I wouldn’t mind but it can be hard to arrange/pay for.

@33feethighandrising I find the OP a bit strange actually.
Hasn't said what the DP objects to (did he say he would miss his child? Or raise some other objection).
Hasn't said whether a compromise has been discussed (e.g. maybe child go for 2 weeks).
Said that DP finds it boring but is that his general impression of her family or what he he has actually said w.r.t THIS trip?

Also has decided to go ahead and book trip anyway against her DH's wishes.

My gut feel is that there's a lot more going on and OP isn't telling us all of it....

The marriage would be over if my
Dh tried to take our child abroad for a month when id said no

YANBU. You live in his home country away from your family, the least he can do is allow you to do this. It's not an unreasonable request. There are some heartless posters tonight. It's tough living in a foreign country away from friends and family and a month is not that long. My DH would be supportive of this and would visit for a week or two in order to see us.

A month is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
I'm sure like the rest of the country you have phoned and FaceTime and it's important for child to know your family.
The responses on this thread seem insane.

In all honesty, a month will be too long at 3yo.
I have been travelling back to the UK with my DC every year from Australia for years - and 3 weeks is long enough. I get to see almost everybody, the DC have time to reconnect with family and see their grandpa (we stay with him), and by the time the 3 weeks is up they're ready to go home.
At the age of 3, they even started telling me they were ready to go home after just over 2 weeks. It's incredibly frustrating having to explain to a child that age that they can't "just go home" and fgs don't say that in front of grandpa because he'll be very hurt!

3 weeks is all DH could cope with too. It's easier now they're older, in all ways - but 3 weeks is a much better time (with experience) than a month.

Enjoy your trip with your dc and family. I would totally (and have done ) the same. I sacrificed a lot to move to my dh home country. He understood that. He also understood that me sitting at home isolated with dc whilst off work for the summer wasn't great when he was working all day. He would rather we had fun and caught up with others.

@MrsTerryPratchett

The people who think flights are a PITA for him to do... have you got any idea how utterly dreadful the last 18 months have been for people with family abroad? It's always been sad and hard. But recently it's dreadful.

I know my DH is supporting me to see mine ASAP with money and time.

Yup. My family live abroad. I haven’t seen them in 2.5 years. As it was almost a year when the first lockdown happened.

We’ve tried so many times but flights keep getting cancelled. We’ve had something like 11 cancelled in the last 18 months.

@Luxplus

We live in my home country. Dh is from another country, takes approximately 1.50 hour to fly too. He pre covid19 would often fly out for a long weekend to see family and friends. Sometimes alone and sometimes with our dds or with us all if possible. But we have always agreed on 3 nights with the girls at the most to be away from their home. I would definitely not agree to 1 month at all. Btw my mom is also from a different country so I grew up having family abroad. We went their every summer, my mom and me for a week , then my dad came for a week and then my mom stayed alone for a week.. If dh took the dds away for a month eventhough I told him I was against it I'd divorce him. It's our kids therefore such decisions ought to be made an agreement about and be on the same page

Agreed. I have a great respect for y husband as he does me. I wouldn’t do this to him and he wouldn’t to me. They’re our children. Therefore we made decisions together about them. We recently had very different opinions on something relating to the children. A huge decision. We sat down. Talked about it. Came to a compromise and it’s actually been truly wonderful. Best thing we’ve ever done.

If he did something I was totally against. I would be gone.

Marriage is about love and respect and kindness.

@Welbru

This is totally normal for international couples. The fathers often visit for some of the time. It's something you have to accept if you have children with someone whose family lives far away imo.

Is it?

We live on the other side if the world and we don’t accept this. If I went back I’d need to go for at least an month because of quarantine time. We don’t accept that amount of time separated as a family so I don’t go.

It’s the deal I made as a migrant - I can’t just pop back, can’t get back in a hurry, and currently can’t visit without leaving my immediate family or separating my husband and child for a lengthy period. Hence I stay put for now.

@GreenCrayon

Lots of children benefit from having a strong bond with their grandparents. They won't be strangers after a month, will they?

They won't be strangers after 2 or 3 weeks either it doesn't have to be a whole month. There is a compromise to be made between not going at all or the OP insisting on it being a month.

Why should she not make the most of the whole month she isn't working & soend itbwith HER family & friends, just because her selfish husband says 'No'? If it was realky about missing his daughter he could go for a week or weekends & he wouldn't be whining that it's boring. The selfish twerp lives amongst his family & friends.

@Husbandswife how would you feel if your DH took your Dd away from you for a month? Would you be happy to not see her for a month?

Are there 2 mumsnets? I swear there has to be, because in every other thread nobody would be willing to leave their child overnight but in this thread it’s fine and dandy for a child to be away from their parent for a month? Surely this is an alternate universe or backwards day or something?!

He can come for the weekends if he wants. I’ve visited home for 3 weeks without dh a few times, so our dc can see our families. It’s just life when you live far from family and if you live in his country you’re making a huge compromise, wheres his compromise? Would he know you were bluffing if you said I’ll cancel the trip if we can move to my country next year, as I can’t stand my child and I not seeing my family for so long?

We're all individuals.

I'm really surprised that so many people can't bare to be away from their children for a week or even 3 nights . Surely you have stuff to do to keep you entertained and occupied, with much less stress than having a young child around... A week would go by so quickly?!

[quote CutePanda]@Husbandswife how would you feel if your DH took your Dd away from you for a month? Would you be happy to not see her for a month?[/quote]
Have you even read the thread @CutePanda?

The DH has the option of visiting at weekends but he doesn't want to as he 'gets bored' there.

I'm sure no one doubts that any parent would miss their child.

BUT it's not all about 8them*. There are some hellishly selfish posters here who think only of themselves or how they would feel.

These grandparents have not seen their own daughter for 2 years. yes, two years. How do you think they feel?

So maybe turn it round and ask how as a parent, who may be old and who knows what happens next, you have not seen your daughter (your child) for two years. And neither have you seen your grandchild for that time.

So she decides to stay with you for 4 weeks and her H kicks off about his own needs. Yet he's not willing to make the trip one weekend.

It's far too simplistic to ask 'How would you feel about not seeing your child for a month.'

Look at the context.

It's not just about ONE person's needs, it's about 3 other adults who needs to be considered.

@LucindaT71

Exactly.

What about her needs to see her family, and for her toddler to see her other grandparents and extended family.

God forbid he might have to put himself out and be "bored".

To just go ahead and book is very selfish. I’d be really upset if DH went ahead and booked when I’d said I didn’t want them to.

There’s a compromise here OP and you don’t seem to want to make it either.