Please excuse grammar and formatting, I’m on a mobile phone.
Am I being unreasonable to say that DH’s brother can’t stay at our house? BIL (27) is on the autistic spectrum, although he’s very much independent, holds down a job and takes himself off to music festivals/to other cities as/when he wants to go. PIL bought a house for him and he stays there sometimes, and other times stays with them. PIL are going away for the night and it’s been decided that BIL will stay with us for the night (neither DH or I were asked, we were just told by PIL that’s what was happening).
We have a 3 bedroom house- one room is ours, the second bedroom DC’s room (although he doesn’t sleep in it yet but it has all his nursery furniture in already so no room for anybody to stay), and the smallest room is used as a dressing room. We therefore don’t have a spare bed for him or any room to really put a bed.
He’s openly admitted he’s jealous of DC since their birth, we tried to facilitate some bonding so BIL didn’t feel left out because of a new baby coming into the family, but all it did was make BIL think that he could do as he pleased with DC and this has now caused issues in him becoming quite confrontational and angry towards us when he can’t sit holding DC all the time. He often makes jokes about accidentally dropping DC on their head, or other references to DC sustaining an “accidental injury”- which I don’t find funny and sometimes wonder if there’s an actual spiteful undertone to his “joke” as he’s said it a few times now. He also seems to find it amusing to stick his fingers in DC’s mouth, despite being asked not to on several occasions. DC is 3 months old and therefore nowhere near being weaned yet, however, BIL will often offer food to DC and just last week attempted to feed them some curry- again he’s been asked not to do this and it has been explained to him why he shouldn’t. BIL is now never left unsupervised with DC.
As we don’t have a spare bedroom for him to sleep in, he’d therefore have to sleep on the sofa. He stays awake all night watching TV and then doesn’t get up until late-afternoon. He becomes nasty and will push people if he can’t get his own way, and doesn’t like being woken up. We have to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen, so he will be disturbed in the morning. We also have a dog which sleeps downstairs, however he’s been quite nasty to the dog in the past and on several occasions I’ve had to talk to him about how he treats the dog. He’s kicked the dog in the past, he shouts at it, and pushes it out of the way. We let the dog sit on our sofa, but he doesn’t like this so will often push it off the sofa and then shout in its face or make loud noises to scare it from getting back on the sofa- which is completely unacceptable and the poor dog doesn’t understand what’s happening. As I say, I’ve spoken with him about this in the past, but issues with his behaviour continue to repeat themselves. I’m therefore not comfortable leaving him unsupervised with the dog at any time, and especially not while we’re upstairs asleep. We can’t let the dog sleep upstairs with us as it’s an old dog now and struggles with stairs. It also likes to potter around at night which wakes us up. This is why it sleeps downstairs as it’s a lot happier doing it’s own thing, and we get some sleep.
BIL’s moods are very much up/down. In the past he has punched holes in walls, run away or thrown things in anger if he hasn’t liked something that someone has said/done. He hasn’t done this for a few months now however.
I realise it looks like I’m painting BIL in a bad light, but this is how he behaves. It can become quite draining having to monitor his behaviour and treading on eggshells so as not to say/do anything that would upset him and trigger outbursts. I’m happy having him over to visit as there’s a time limit to it and if we can see he’s getting agitated, my DH will take him for a drive to calm down before dropping him back home. Some times he can visit and be absolutely fine, and he can be a pleasure to be around. Despite the issues I’ve mentioned, we do get on with him and do enjoy his company when he’s having a settled day. However, when he’s unsettled he’s really difficult to manage. We already know he will be unsettled and angsty due to PIL being away- as he often is.
DH has another brother who lives nearby (older BIL), he doesn’t have much time for younger BIL and says he feels his behaviour issues mainly stem from PIL spoiling him and giving in to his demands. However, I feel he may be a more suitable option for younger BIL as he and his partner have a spare bedroom and don’t have pets or children. The other option is that DH stays with younger BIL out of our house at the younger BIL’s house or at PIL’s house.
WIBU if I say BIL cannot stay? or should I just get on with it as it’s only for one night?