Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

What on earth are you going to do with them for so long ? They've come for their holiday which creates an enormous amount of extra work for you. You need a plan.

So OP can't even go to the loo in peace. Even though she has her own Dps there?

I didn’t interpret it that way, more that OP was popping upstairs a lot to do things and expecting parents to watch/entertain DD.

OP what do you usually do when your DPs aren’t there and you need to go to the loo or take a shower?
Would putting her in a playpen or travel cot make them feel less anxious about the responsibility?

You should probably take your dad's advice and learn to say no to them. It definitely sounds like they are exploiting your hospitality without bothering to offer anything more than minimal courtesy. Ask them to start helping out more with making meals and other stuff (best to make a plan/schedule), and yes that includes making sure the gate is locked if your child goes outside, ffs what a thing to make a fuss about. If they tut or object they can stay at the hotel where they're guaranteed to have the luxury of a holiday without having to think of anyone else.

@StrangeToSee

So OP can't even go to the loo in peace. Even though she has her own Dps there?

I didn’t interpret it that way, more that OP was popping upstairs a lot to do things and expecting parents to watch/entertain DD.

OP what do you usually do when your DPs aren’t there and you need to go to the loo or take a shower?
Would putting her in a playpen or travel cot make them feel less anxious about the responsibility?

I think it's fair enough though of OP to have that expectation especially when it sounds like she is doing so much for her dps while they stay there.

It really doesn't sound like OPs parents are anxious about looking after DD while she goes to the loo. It sounds like they're annoyed about it as it interferes with their relaxing vacation!

OP, will you tell them to stay elsewhere for the second visit? Or keep suffering in silence?

Errrrr how is that bitching?!

Maybe they thought break would be stress free. They can stay at hotel if thats the case. Sure kids are busy busy as we know.

No house with a 3yo in it could possibly be seen a a relaxing holiday destination! Boutique hotel alternatives are undoubtedly available locally, but OP's house is not one.

I like the idea of encouraging the DPs to think of OP's house as a base, a bit like self-catering, so they get their own breakfasts, snacks and drinks organised and pitch in with prep and cleanup for family meals.

I trust they do their own laundry and room cleaning! If I'm staying more than a couple of nights I always try to get DS and DiL to go out for a meal while I babysit one night, and offer to order in for all of us on another, so they get a treat and a break.

I feel sad for OP because this should be a lovely time for all of them! Who doesn't want to spend time getting to know their own grandchild? Mind boggled.

@StrangeToSee - Are they expecting to be waited on or will they pitch in if asked?

They’re definitely entitled. Ok a weekend, when Dp off work, he might do bbq burgers for everyone and it’s a huge deal, dad makes him cups of coffee and it’s all lauded over, yet I cook every single night

Also, I’m not being funny. But they come to stay at our house for extended periods, have all meals made for them, everything done for them

All OP is asking is for them to make sure the gate is locked if she's upstairs / on the loo if they let DD play in the garden. That's it. Not that she plans to disappear upstairs for ages or is asking them to mind their granddaughter. At all.

All OP is asking is for them to make sure the gate is locked if she's upstairs / on the loo if they let DD play in the garden. That's it. Not that she plans to disappear upstairs for ages or is asking them to mind their granddaughter. At all.

Yip.. its so ludicrous I'd be sitting them down and having a chat about my childs safety will always come first 🌸

Thanks all, still on my mind but hasn’t been mentioned since, my mum looked guilty yesterday after she knew I’d overheard. Perhaps they did assume I meant I was going off or something 🤷🏻‍♀️Or that she’d be taking responsibility, I completely just meant it as a we collectively all need to ensure..and I think that’s ok to say when guests are staying for that long

I don’t make breakfasts and lunches too, no chance, but I do the dinner every night and unless I wait quite a while, I end up doing the washing and cleaning up too. I’ve started to leave dishes in the sink, which is hard for me 🤣but pretty sick of seeing breakfast dishes piled up and for me to be expected to clean them all, is that unreasonable, it only takes a second!
I think the difference here is the length of time. If people were to stay for a weekend, I’d happily make dinner and a nice breakfast in the morning, of course not expecting anyone to wash up…but every day gets wearing.

Have you spoken to your parents yet about you overhearing them?

If I’m on my own with Dd, which is 80% of the time, it’s no problem to nip to the loo. If I need a shower, I take her upstairs and she sits on the bed with books etc, I have to be quick or she gets restless and messes about. I’m definitely not even going to consider doing it with them here now! It just feels a bit sad for me.
We also inevitably end up going to the shop every day, either myself or dp (they usually come) for extra water, milk etc because everything just runs out straightaway. With just us I only shop once a week in general. It’s a lot of running around, they don’t seem to understand this, some appreciation would be nice..to then complain because they think I’m asking them to watch Dd (when I actually wasn’t!) isn’t great

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe

Thanks all, still on my mind but hasn’t been mentioned since, my mum looked guilty yesterday after she knew I’d overheard. Perhaps they did assume I meant I was going off or something 🤷🏻‍♀️Or that she’d be taking responsibility, I completely just meant it as a we collectively all need to ensure..and I think that’s ok to say when guests are staying for that long

I don’t make breakfasts and lunches too, no chance, but I do the dinner every night and unless I wait quite a while, I end up doing the washing and cleaning up too. I’ve started to leave dishes in the sink, which is hard for me 🤣but pretty sick of seeing breakfast dishes piled up and for me to be expected to clean them all, is that unreasonable, it only takes a second!
I think the difference here is the length of time. If people were to stay for a weekend, I’d happily make dinner and a nice breakfast in the morning, of course not expecting anyone to wash up…but every day gets wearing.

That's mean that they don't even help with cleaning up.

I think you need to start setting some house rules OP to get through this.

Do they pay for the shopping or buy any food?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Straight after I heard them I went in and asked mum who she needs to say no to more, and she looked all fumbly and red faced and said she thought I was outside, and said ‘kids’ she then started to tidy all the toys up, so I said it was fine, I’d do it. Whilst I was doing it, I said I wasn’t saying about the gate for any reason, not to look after Dd but for us all to know in case she asks and they just open the patio door and I happen not to be there, as I’m in the toilet etc. I was so pissed off I didn’t really speak that night and just avoided, but then realised I couldn’t do that for all the time we're here. So now we’re in that stage of pretending it never happened.

@woodhill Tbf they are generous with it, we couldn’t afford to get all of this food ourselves 🙈they pay half for a big shop and shops in between they often pay for (it’s definitely extra stuff we’d never have to get though) they also pay if we go out for coffee etc, plus a takeaway and meal out. So in that respect, they’re great

@woodhill My mum will do washing up..if it’s been left, she doesn’t sort of rush to collect plates and start doing it..if that makes sense. My dad doesn’t wash a dish! But doesn’t at home

But would you appreciate some help,with the dishes and clearing up - I take it you don't have a dishwasher

It is hard to ask for help from your dps I think

Yes rotten when up your df doesn't help out, my step df is like that and I find it annoying. He won't clear his plate even.

dF is better but his dw is more formidable 😊

@woodhill Yes, it would be nice not to do all the cooking, plus the washing up, I think it would show some appreciation

I think you will have to tell them. Chuck your dd a tea towel or speak to your dm separately.

What does your dsis think.

Is your dh fed up with the situation too

I think it's fair enough though of OP to have that expectation especially when it sounds like she is doing so much for her dps while they stay there

Is it fair to expect guests to watch/entertain your toddler though, every time you want to go upstairs? They’ve come to see the whole family not act as childcare.

They’ve probably forgotten how exhausting and irritating toddlers can be.
Their other grandchildren are pre-teens so the grandparents were nearly a decade younger back then.

Why not have a chat as a family (once DD’s in bed) and have everyone say what they’d like to get out of this break together? Maybe the grandparents expected more time to themselves, some time alone with their daughter, family days out for sightseeing and touristy things? They might be happy to muck in with cooking and housework.

Maybe OP expected having her parents on hand meant childcare whenever she wanted it? Two extra pairs of helping hands? Life as normal but with more support?

Nothing wrong with either expectation but you need to discuss expectations and come to a compromise. Maybe that means parents staying in an Air B&B for the next visit, as their constant presence excites DD too much?
Perhaps they don’t want to take full responsibility for watching a toddler they barely know?
Maybe they feel OP is taking them for granted, assuming they’re there to provide free childcare and help? Perhaps they feel they made a long, expensive journey in a pandemic only to be pestered incessantly by a toddler they don’t know yet? They may be less interested in their grandchild than in chatting uninterrupted to their daughter? Did they hope their son in law would take the toddler out more often so they could catch up with their daughter or go out for a meal as adults?

I think this is a situation that can only be resolved with honesty and everyone expressing their feelings.

The gate thing is a red herring. Basically you feel let down by your parents' attitude to your daughter. They come to use your house as a holiday and favour your sister and her kids.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to alter them. All you can do is alter your response. Stop waiting in them- that should make holidaying in your home (hotel) less attractive.
You prob need a serious talk about their next stay. If be telling them it's too much and they need to get an air BnB.
Good luck

From the face of it, on that conversation only it sounds like you're massively overreacting. I suspect this is due to family dynamics and this conversation has poked an old wound. Time to reflect before you react, it's not even clear what the conversation meant. Give yourself some compassion and give your parents some space if you can and consider if it will be beneficial to talk to them.

OP you were only asking your mum to lock a gate. Why has you dad got an issue with that. I'd have called him out for that. It really wasn't much to ask and considering the safety aspect for one of their GC they should do it without question.