Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

There is no way your DD should be able to get out into the front garden.

You need to put a chain on your front door. If there's access around the side of the house, you need to block that too.

My parents were like this (although younger).

I think they have the grandchildren at home in manageable doses at times they can control.

Then when they visit you, it is 24 hours and not under their control. I doubt they are being realistic about what to expect. They need a hotel or something.

My ILs used to come and do everything, like NewlyGranny (bless you x), but they brought their campervan and used to retire there at bathtime and we wouldn't see them again until breakfast, all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

My parents used to be forever finding ways of taking themselves out, trying to read the newspaper and wondering why the DC weren't receptive when they wanted to play. I was forever wondering what they wanted, working round them and feeding them. They hated the DC waking up early. In hindsight, they should have gone to a B&B.

@mathanxiety

There is no way your DD should be able to get out into the front garden.

You need to put a chain on your front door. If there's access around the side of the house, you need to block that too.

for goodness sake OP's DD can't open the door - she can open the gate hence asking her parents to make sure gate is locked if they open the door!

Some people are just hard of thinking!

@GarlicBreadItsTheFuture Thank you! I almost screamed when I read @mathanxiety’s post 😩

3 minutes is enough with my Mother.
You're doing great!!

Family moan about family. 🤷‍♀️ You're moaning about them here. I bet you've said things to your husband about them. They might have perceived something in your tone that you didn't mean. They might be having an off day. Who knows. You could just carry on moaning about them here, you could ask them, you could just move on. I guess it depends on your relationship. Not easy having people staying so long, so I appreciate things can get fraught.

I have a similar thing with my mum. I had my first DS at 21 - making my mum and dad grandparents at 41 and 39.
When DS turned 6 she asked if she could have him for a week during summer holidays. We live a way away from them. I was reluctant at first but came around to the idea. Then we had DS 2. I waited till he was 4/5ish before letting him go along too - she insisted she wanted them both.
We now have DS3 and mum has said it's too much having them all (she's never actually had all 3 boys - DS3 is two/lockdown.) She made it sound like the whole thing was MY idea ?!
I wasn't really bothered either way although we did enjoy having a bit of time to ourselves.

My DM says a LOT of negative things about me buy I've learnt over the years to take it all with a pinch of salt and let it go over my head. At the end of the day - MY children, MY rules!
Same for you OP!

I think your parents are somewhat taking the piss, staying with you and not helping out around the house when you already have your hands full.

Ask them to lend a hand. If they don't know where things go (laundry, dishes, etc) then tell them. When they stay for three weeks I feel they really need to muck in. Your dad obv gets away with his privileged male role at home so maybe forget about any help from him.

If practical (if you have space to store a lot) make a long and realistic grocery list and buy enough for a few days. It's crazy to have to go out shopping every day and I am sure it adds to your stress and feeling of being discombobulated.

I suspect that this visit has brought to the surface old hurts associated with being a girl and woman in a home where women are not appreciated, where their work is undervalued, and their voices silenced, and where the woman directly affected by all of that seemed unable or unwilling to rock the boat.

It's really rich that your dad was telling your mum to learn to say no. What if she were to say to him, 'No, I'm not cooking or washing up tonight'?

For goodness sake OP's DD can't open the door - she can open the gate hence asking her parents to make sure gate is locked if they open the door!

She can't open the door yet.
Fixed that for ya.

She is an active little girl who has already figured out the gate lock, and it won't be long before she learns to open that door.

Speaking here as a mother whose third child let herself out of a locked door at age 3 when I had my back turned for five minutes, and made it all the way to a local park, crossing two busy streets to get there. Luckily the police were very responsive to my frantic call about a missing child.

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe, hopefully you won't find out the hard way that your DD is really bright and has been watching you closely as you lock the door.

I would be very hurt in these circumstances. Your parents are very unappreciative and have a poor attitude towards you.

I think you should inform your parents that you would not be in any way offended if they stayed in a hotel instead. Please do not take no for an answer and remind them that it is their holiday and it important that they enjoy it. Remember to remain adamant that, no, you do not need any help. This will be better for your relationship in the long run.

I’m sure you’re hurt because your DD was involved and that’s ok, natural and totally fine.

However, please just try and forget about it. I’m sure it was a passing comment that was never really meant! Like if you were to say to your partner or friends something like…it’s a pain in the arse doing all the cooking, I’m pretty sure this is something you just say in the passing but not something you really mean because you would much rather have them there and doing the cooking than never seeing them x

I don't think it's about 'amount' of work. It's about responsibility. You're asking them to take responsibility for keeping your DD safe when you're not there but in a overarching way as though they always need to be alert to both where you are (in the toilet/in the house) and where your DD is (in the house or in the garden). You should be watching your DD the same way you would if they weren't there. Obviously you usually manage to keep her safe when you go to the toilet or back in the house.

Could he have been alluding to your sister when he said your mum needs to learn to say no ? If she puts upon them more than you do, this could easily be what he meant.

I think I might say to your Dad 'since you think Mum should say 'no' perhaps you'd like to wash the dishes/cook a meal'

I sympathise as I have a similar dynamic in my family. My MUm would have older DSIS's five children to stay all summer holidays - so my sister and her DH could go o holiday abroad/have a break - because obviously someone forced them to have five kids. But the only time I ever asked her if she minded me and DH going out to dinner for our anniversary (after both kids were in bed asleep so all she needed to do was be in her own house) she made a fuss and said 'Older sis has never expected me to babysit'. I mean WTF ??? So I didn't ask her again.
Families aren't fair and they are often hurtful.
It's hard to call them out because you don;t want an atmosphere for the rest of the stay, but that kind of thing leaves a nasty taste and affects how you think of them IME.

I can totally understand why you would feel hurt. When I had toddlersxwechad no family around and it was so exhausting. I am determined to give my daughter all the help I can. Your parents may feel they have done their child rearing and perhaps have not said no to your sister and now worried you may ask them when they're not keen but really should jus say so.
I would also feel hurt that they baby sat for your sibling and never did same but it sounds like it is not an issue of favourites but rather hour mum can't say no and then your dad has go hear all about it.
Good you put them at ease. Why not get a sitter you trust and go out with them?
My son was a full on youngster and guests would get annoyed but my attitude was they asked to stay and it was my son's home. He is all grown now and calm as a cucumber, but was always worse with guests visiting. Hopefully you turn the visit into a positive but don't apologise for who she is xx

I don't think paying for half a big shop is especially generous actually, presumably they're eating half of it! What about all the other stuff in between? I bet that adds up. They seem to be acting a bit like they're paying guests and you're providing a service.

Maybe just ask them how they think things are going and see if you can establish some honesty

My parents were exactly the same, tripped over themselves for sister's children, school runs, overnight/early morning care, feeding them throughout the week, but baulked at a single request to sit ours one evening. It did hurt a bit at the time.

This has a motherland vibe to it (the episode when the in-laws come to ‘help’ and dismantle the toilet). I do sympathise - 3 days is about my limit with houseguests.

Hope the rest of their stay is easier for you OP.

im confused . where is the part where they bitched about you

Some posters need to RTFFT.

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@bluntness It did make me feel hurt to hear that as it’s not true, learning to say no, when I’ve literally never even asked them to babysit. I also wouldn’t have thought it that bad to spend some time with Dd[/quote]
Are you sure he wasn’t telling your mum that she “needs to learn to say” in general, not specifically referring to you? You may be being a little over-sensitive. It can be difficult to know from a short written account though.

Now, they’ve gone and bought us a fridge..without asking. I realise I should be grateful, but also, it feels like overstepping the mark..again.
Dd has been sick the last couple of days on and off (so is actually much calmer than normal 🙈) mum was sick too, stomach bug going around. I came downstairs and Dp was putting a new fridge in, I was like ‘What?’ He said my mum has asked/told my dad to give him the money to get a new fridge.
Our fridge was getting old, granted, but to not consult 🤷🏻‍♀️She obviously feels they may have got sick from something in the fridge (I know her) it’s definitely not illness from that.
I don’t know, I feel a bit embarrassed by it!

Also tonight she’s been a bit hyper as tired, my turn to put her to bed. My dad said ‘I think mum should take her turn at putting her to bed’ she laughed and said ‘What about you?’ He then said he’d spent all day looking after her, whilst mum was ill and that equated a year of looking after her. It was said sort of jokingly, but christ, it’s not that bad surely?
Dp said ‘It’s a pleasure looking after you’ (about Dd)