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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard parents bitching about me

401 replies

Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 16/07/2021 16:43

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

OP posts:
SparrowNest · 16/07/2021 21:57

Some people on here are really determined to side against the OP no matter what. I recognise certain usernames from pulling the same thing in loads of threads I read.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable, OP. Except by agreeing to host them for 6 weeks in the first place.

Tonkerbea · 16/07/2021 22:00

I really don't understand those saying you're BU and sniping away. Probably recognise themselves in your parents actions!

You have every right to feel pissed off over those comments, considering the context. It's hard to assert yourself with parents, especially when it sounds like you try hard to please them.

EL8888 · 16/07/2021 22:59

@SparrowNest all this!

Being blunt but they do sound entitled and self absorbed. Not sure where else they can pay the cost of flights for a 6 week holiday then just kick back Confused

StrangeToSee · 17/07/2021 07:45

Sorry but I don’t think you should make them responsible for DD’s safety which means watching her constantly when you’re not there (even if you’re in the loo that’s still a big ask).

Either the gate should be locked at all times or padlocked too, or the door should have a high internal bolt your DD can’t reach.

Also try to ensure your parents have some child-free time eg can they drive or take a bus for a day out just the 2 of them eg to a National Trust place or town? Or can you drop them and pick them up?

Does their room have a lock so they can have quiet time away from DD?

Hyperactive toddlers are mentally and physically exhausting so I’d cut your parents some slack. They’re probably terrified she’ll trip and get hurt or escape on their watch.

Original poster
Summerisntwhatitusedtobe · 17/07/2021 07:48

@StrangeToSee Are you serious?

OP posts:
StrangeToSee · 17/07/2021 08:04

Are you serious?

Why wouldn’t I be?

Their other grandchildren are early teens so it’s not surprising they’ve forgotten how exhausting and irritating toddlers are. My toddlers ‘never stopped’ either. It’s not a nasty thing to say just an observation.

Do you let DD constantly pester them for attention, climb on them, watch kids TV, chatter at them? Do they get time to just sit and relax or read a newspaper?

My parents (and in laws) found it tiring when DD was a toddler. I had to keep reminding her ‘I think grandma’s a bit tired to read that book again, how about we play with sticklebricks and let grandma have a rest?’ Or ‘I think grandpa’s had enough of playing horsey just now, let’s go to the park and see them in an hour or 2?’

It comes across as you want them to help out constantly with DD and keep her entertained/watch her every time you leave the room. Which is fine is that’s what THEY want too. But obviously they don’t.

They’re guests in your house, so I think cooking for 2 extra while they’re here isn’t a big deal.

Have you given them leaflets of nearby places they can explore or visit as a couple?

We have a lock on our guest room door and every single guest uses it when they need a break from DC (eg a siesta) and at night. I always tell them it’s there and please use it when you need a break, and I acknowledge how tiring DC can be.

HappyWinter · 17/07/2021 08:49

@StrangeToSee I don't think it's too much to ask the grandparents to watch for a couple of minutes whilst she goes to the toilet. Is a few minutes really too much in 3 weeks? Just five minutes? It sounds like that is all it is. They aren't watching her on their own for a whole day. Even then, it would just be for the day.

Most grandparents would love to spend the time with their grandchildren. I know that toddlers are exhausting, but she isn't asking them to watch her constantly, she just asked them to lock a gate!

They are being looked after. They are adults, if they wanted to go out for the day on their own, they could. Their daughter is busy looking after their grandchild, and them!

saraclara · 17/07/2021 08:58

mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no

Say no to your daughter? That would make sense to me. What did your mum say when you asked who she should say no to?

See that makes a lot more sense to me. That he was taking her to say no to the toddler. Maybe when she asked to go out, or maybe just when she's being immense and they're tired.

Either way, they're entitled to have a private conversation, which wasn't really bitchy at all. Just as you're having a private conversation with us. Imagine if they found this thread?
It's not what they said, it's the fact that you overheard it that's caused a problem. Just as this thread would hurt them. They did nothing wrong. I'm sure you've had similar conversions about them with your partner.

saraclara · 17/07/2021 08:59

Talking, not taking, and intense, not immense! Gah

Sceptre86 · 17/07/2021 09:08

It sounds like they saw your sister's kids a lot more as babies than they have yours. If her kids are teenagers then they would have been younger too and would have had a lot more energy and most importantly patience, also would have been the novelty of first grandchildren. Seeing as how you live abroad it seems as if they see your home as somewhere to holiday and relax hence they are reluctant to even keep an eye on your dd. I do think it is sad that watching over her whilst you are upstairs or cooking their meals seems too much of an ask but you can't change people. Toddlers are a whirlwind, if your dd doesn't see them much she will be excited to have them over to say, I don't think you are describing unusual toddler behaviour!

I would expect them to help out with regular chores more whilst they are over, so they can get their own breakfast and lunch whilst you clean up, sort your dd out. You can take dd out to play and they can do whatever they want. Basically what I am trying to get at is of they want to use your home as a holiday base, let them but don't pander after them, you don't need to entertain them just gp about your normal life. Maybe next time it would be better I'd they stayed elsewhere and just dropped in on you occasionally when it would suit you both.

It is a shame when grandparents behave this way but you do need to accept that they won't change and alter your behaviour accordingly, there is no point in stewing over it. Ultimately it just causes resentment. Yanbu x

Sceptre86 · 17/07/2021 09:16

*loads of typos bit hopefully you get the gist.

KatherineSiena · 17/07/2021 09:37

@StrangeToSee Nowhere has the OP asked her parents to “constantly” look after her DD, in fact they barely seem to spend more than the odd minute or two alone with her.

Of course it’s jolly tiring having a whirlwind of a toddler but these aren’t very old GPS. They sound rather entitled and quite set in their ways. The poor OP and her more long suffering DH have had their whole summer upended to cater and host them without them even offering a single night of babysitting. Catering for two extra people for pretty much the entire summer is an imposition. Let’s not forget these parents invited themselves for the extended two breaks!

OP I really feel for you and I hope you can try and assert yourself a bit more. Don’t deviate from your DDs schedule, go to the beach in the evening and encourage your parents to do their own thing if they won’t join in happily with your plans.

Oneborneverydecade · 17/07/2021 09:44

Fair enough about the gate, but if people are in my house I still see it as my job to be ultimately accountable for my kids

At no point has the OP suggested she's not ultimately responsible. But if she's nipped upstairs and there's a chance her parents might open the door, surely it's reasonable to mention locking the front gate?

Wilkolampshade · 17/07/2021 09:49

But they weren't 'bithching' OP, just talking. I would interpret what they're saying as maybe the toddler is being a little more taxing than anticipated?
You do sound tired.

LizzieW1969 · 17/07/2021 09:50

Some people on here are really determined to side against the OP no matter what. I recognise certain usernames from pulling the same thing in loads of threads I read.

^This. Some posters on AIBU like nothing better than to lay into an OP, regardless of whether she’s really being unreasonable or not.

I will say that it’s easy to forget what it’s really like to have a toddler around. It was like that for me when we spent time with my DSis and her family, when my youngest DNephew was a toddler. My two were several years older and I was well out of practice at those few times when we were asked if we could keep an eye on him. (He’d taken a shine to DD2 (then 6 years old), hence I was more involved in watching him than would otherwise have been the case.)

But I wouldn’t have moaned about it, as he was my DNephew and I loved him and enjoyed watching him occasionally. Like your parents, I was never asked to babysit, so we were only talking about a few minutes here and there.

LizzieW1969 · 17/07/2021 09:52

And it isn’t as if the OP’s DPs are all that old, or being asked to do anything other than not letting the toddler outside unless they close the gate. There’s an easy way to avoid having to do anything, just don’t open the door! Confused

iklboo · 17/07/2021 09:57

Also try to ensure your parents have some child-free time eg can they drive or take a bus for a day out just the 2 of them eg to a National Trust place or town? Or can you drop them and pick them up?

Or they could bugger off back home after spending nearly 6 weeks with OP (two lots of three with a short break in between), expecting to be waited on hand & foot.

HotSauceCommittee · 17/07/2021 10:04

They can start cooking dinner every night for you now, to give you a break.
Do they really watch you rushing around with a toddler all day and preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of you?
They sound really selfish and cheeky coming to you for all that time and not helping out. I bet YOU are knackered.

rainbowstardrops · 17/07/2021 10:05

I presume they don't see you and your DD very often if you live abroad, so I'd expect them to be excited to be spending some quality time with their grandchild!
I appreciate your DD is probably like a tornado and full of energy but they can go out and do things alone but still enjoy her company too at times.
If they don't want to pull their weight while you wait on them hand and foot then it looks like they just want a cheap holiday and they should book an all inclusive hotel instead!

crikeycrumbsblimey · 17/07/2021 10:09

Honestly OP they sound a pita! So sad they can’t find the joy in seeing their grandchild - I can understand why you feel so disappointed!
I think I remember your other thread - you cannot host for the second visit. Learn to say no 😉

dottiedodah · 17/07/2021 10:33

TBH I dont think they have said anything too out of turn here. You say yourself ,you are tired from looking after DD. How old are your sisters DC? Your DP may feel the strain a little as they get a bit older too,even a few years can make a difference . I would just let this one go. Its only for a few weeks, and the weather is beautiful ATM.Just go out and have fun ,try not to stress

StrangeToSee · 17/07/2021 10:45

I don't think it's too much to ask the grandparents to watch for a couple of minutes whilst she goes to the toilet. Is a few minutes really too much in 3 weeks? Just five minutes? It sounds like that is all it is. They aren't watching her on their own for a whole day. Even then, it would just be for the day

If the grandparents are happy it’s not too much at all.

But we don’t know if OP is asking them to watch her occasionally while she nips to the loo, or expecting them to take responsibility for DD every time she goes upstairs/has a shower/dries her hair/makes a phone call etc. Some grandparents are terrified the child will have a fall or damage something on their watch.

Some grandparents would love it (my in laws stay at least a month each time and like having time alone with DC) but my dad would find the responsibility of watching a lively toddler too much. Especially if I told him to prevent her going outside as the gate is un-locked. He’d be anxious and unhappy, asking how I usually manage when he’s not there etc.

I imagine they want to spend quality time with their daughter as well as their granddaughter, perhaps the OH could take DD out sometimes and give them some time without a toddler interrupting?

StrangeToSee · 17/07/2021 10:57

‘Also try to ensure your parents have some child-free time eg can they drive or take a bus for a day out just the 2 of them eg to a National Trust place or town? Or can you drop them and pick them up?’

Or they could bugger off back home after spending nearly 6 weeks with OP (two lots of three with a short break in between), expecting to be waited on hand & foot

Are they expecting to be waited on or will they pitch in if asked?

My in laws were hesitant at first out of fear they’d intrude on ‘my’ kitchen but by the end of the visit MIL had merrily taken over most of the cooking! FIL did the dishwasher and some of the shopping. I had to encourage them and show them where everything was but once they settled in and realised I didn’t mind them helping themselves to food and drink, doing housework, they pitched in happily.

They also wanted to visit some places I knew DD would be bored by (museums etc) so I dropped them off and picked them up.
Why do they need to sit indoors for the whole time? For long visits everyone needs a bit of time alone to relax.

Sounds like OP’s parents expected more from the holiday than watching their grandchild?

HappyWinter · 17/07/2021 11:10

Sounds like OP’s parents expected more from the holiday than watching their grandchild? It sounds like they just want a holiday, which OP cannot provide for them whilst looking after her daughter. They should have booked a hotel instead!

It doesn't sound like she is expecting much childcare from them, just the odd five minutes whilst she pops to the bathroom. Even a friend would be happy to do that!

woodhill · 17/07/2021 11:12

@StrangeToSee

Sorry but I don’t think you should make them responsible for DD’s safety which means watching her constantly when you’re not there (even if you’re in the loo that’s still a big ask).

Either the gate should be locked at all times or padlocked too, or the door should have a high internal bolt your DD can’t reach.

Also try to ensure your parents have some child-free time eg can they drive or take a bus for a day out just the 2 of them eg to a National Trust place or town? Or can you drop them and pick them up?

Does their room have a lock so they can have quiet time away from DD?

Hyperactive toddlers are mentally and physically exhausting so I’d cut your parents some slack. They’re probably terrified she’ll trip and get hurt or escape on their watch.

So OP can't even go to the loo in peace. Even though she has her own Dps there?