Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

They do sound toxic. Your mum clearly gets away with playing the victim to your dad - poor me, my children use me to look after their exhausting children - even when they actually don't, and he falls for it.

Next time you overhear something like this, try and stand up for yourself and call her out on it. Difficult I know because she might then go into full victim mode and burst into tears because you've been so 'nasty'. Very tricky dealing with this sort of thing. Don't have them to stay again?

I know the type, it’s about putting you in your place. In their heads they come over to help, run round after you and go home ‘exhausted’ moaning to anyone who will listen. This then justifies the free holidays and treating you like crap.

I agree with this - Just say that you are finding the hosting for longer periods of time a little bit much.

Suggest that they should consider a hotel next time and they can pop in for the occasional visit. That way they are free to do their own thing.

Take the wind right out their sails.

So, although I initially said yanbu to be a bit hurt by their comments but to let it go. Have heard more from you OP, I can see your point of view

Unfortunately they are picking these long stays when really a week would be sufficient .

Other PPs suggestion that they stay in local b&b or hotel nearby seems helpful but i can see how it might not go down well.

It's not a good sign that you feel a bit fed up with them already. Are they good in other ways or do they more impose a lot and treat your house like a hotel? You just can't do hotel guest type stay for your parents for that long a period if that's what they are doing. You said they aren't old (I'm thinking early to mid 60s?)

@Notwavingbutdrowing3 Late 60’s and early 70’s

It sounds like you resent that your parents don't treat your child like their other grandchildren. They probably have more patience for the latter because they've been given the opportunity to bond with them. If you wanted the same, you should have stayed local. I wouldn't expect a parent to bond with a child they hardly saw; it'd be very silly to expect a grandparent to.

Bluntness

You seem determined to criticise and goad everybody including OP. You are in a minority here.

Quite clearly I'm not trying to 'rub it in'. It was context

sounds like they are projecting a bit re the situation with your sister, and that you are a bit annoyed that you get nothing and are being called out on a minor thing.

Late 60s early 70s is the new "young old age"

I can’t help having an active toddler, maybe best not to stay with us then, I can’t curb my toddlers behaviour

Alarm bells! If either of my DCs had this attitude to parenting I'd be on edge as well! It is your job to manage your child. Yes, some are more boisterous than others but you're still the parent.

Their relationship with your sister's DCs is obviously different and is quite irrelevant. You're wasting energy moaning about how it's not the same with your DC.

Having said all that, I don't see anything wrong with what they've said.

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe

Also, I’m not being funny. But they come to stay at our house for extended periods, have all meals made for them, everything done for them. If I were to ask for help, would that really be so awful

They sound like utter dicks.

Why do you do so much for them?

I’d be limiting their stays to a week and telling as they’re family they can make their own breakfasts and cook every other night.

Also ask them why they play with dd as soon as DH comes home, are they trying to impress him?

@OllyBJolly

I can’t help having an active toddler, maybe best not to stay with us then, I can’t curb my toddlers behaviour

Alarm bells! If either of my DCs had this attitude to parenting I'd be on edge as well! It is your job to manage your child. Yes, some are more boisterous than others but you're still the parent.

Their relationship with your sister's DCs is obviously different and is quite irrelevant. You're wasting energy moaning about how it's not the same with your DC.

Having said all that, I don't see anything wrong with what they've said.

RTFT

I’d be hurt too and would not take kindly to it. You cannot unhear what you heard. Knowing how the feel and knows their grievance is unreasonable is galling.

How do you plan to make it through the weeks ahead?

Tell them your concerned they arnt coping being around dd and tell them where the local b&b is

Can you get a yale fitted on the gate? That way people will have keys and you dont need to worry

@OllyBJolly

I can’t help having an active toddler, maybe best not to stay with us then, I can’t curb my toddlers behaviour

Alarm bells! If either of my DCs had this attitude to parenting I'd be on edge as well! It is your job to manage your child. Yes, some are more boisterous than others but you're still the parent.

Their relationship with your sister's DCs is obviously different and is quite irrelevant. You're wasting energy moaning about how it's not the same with your DC.

Having said all that, I don't see anything wrong with what they've said.

Why is she being unreasonable? I wouldn’t like it if my parents favoured their other children and OP is entitled to feel anyway she wants.

They were wrong to moan about just being warned about the gate. They are using OP as a holiday for a total of 6 weeks altogether. Heaven forbid they actually spend some time with their GD! They get a free holiday where OP is just expected to run around after them and she has explained time and time again on this thread she didn’t even ask them to look after her. All she did was mention the gate as a safety precaution.

I understand how you feel hurt OP.
I think it might be time you learnt to say No.

@OllyBJolly

I can’t help having an active toddler, maybe best not to stay with us then, I can’t curb my toddlers behaviour

Alarm bells! If either of my DCs had this attitude to parenting I'd be on edge as well! It is your job to manage your child. Yes, some are more boisterous than others but you're still the parent.

Their relationship with your sister's DCs is obviously different and is quite irrelevant. You're wasting energy moaning about how it's not the same with your DC.

Having said all that, I don't see anything wrong with what they've said.

Maybe OP is quite capable of managing her normal, active toddler in normal circumstances.

Maybe the whole house is on edge as two houseguests have arrived who expect a hotel and not a home?

I'm pushing 70 and have been toddler wrangling this week. I'm looking for things to do with an eye to making DS and DDiL's lives a bit easier, like hanging out or bringing in and folding washing, sweeping floors, loading and unloading dishwasher etc. I did bathtime every night and make tea and coffee, do some baking for the cake and biscuit tins etc.

I come home knackered but I love it and couldn't watch a mum with a lively toddler wear herself out while I strolled off for coffee!

My DM did the same for me, so I suppose it's just what I think grannies do.

MrsMayJune
Good point

Maybe we can help OP try to cope.
Whilst what PPs are saying about limiting visits is a good way forward it doesn't help right now for these visits that are presumably booked.

So I'd start with the plan to Ask your parents to help out in concrete and time limited ways

• Mum/dad can you take turns in cooking please and washing up?

Mum/dad can you watch DD whilst I have a shower / get on with ironing/ cook dinner for us all tonight?

• Would you like to do bath and reading time tonight for w change?

• Mum/Dad can you wash and change your bedding ? (said when it's time to do so)

-Mum/dad can you play x y or z with DD for an hour today, I'll take over after then. She's so excited you are here

Really I'd expect a bit of play time with DGD several times a day, & some helping out, or I'd wonder why they thought it ok to insist on staying at yours rather than a hotel

@NewlyGranny

I'm pushing 70 and have been toddler wrangling this week. I'm looking for things to do with an eye to making DS and DDiL's lives a bit easier, like hanging out or bringing in and folding washing, sweeping floors, loading and unloading dishwasher etc. I did bathtime every night and make tea and coffee, do some baking for the cake and biscuit tins etc.

I come home knackered but I love it and couldn't watch a mum with a lively toddler wear herself out while I strolled off for coffee!

My DM did the same for me, so I suppose it's just what I think grannies do.

You sound lovely 😊

It would be nice for them to offer to let you go for dinner with your DP or have a day to yourself. They are making work for you by having guests for 3 weeks then they have the nerve to bitch about being asked to lock a gate. I know grandparents aren’t obligated to do child care but single family I know has some child care even if it’s just a twice yearly night out.

Hi op I do see your point. Not nice when other kids favoured. My mam same at kids parties while her son law run ragged. !! I feel they get quite entitled.

It sounds like bitching for the sake of bitching. Some people are just like that. It's probably the way they communicate about everything when it's just the two of them.

They sound like a headache anyway. Mention that you overheard them. They might flounce out of embarrassment and leave you in peace.

It sounds like OP's sister is the golden child and she is the scapegoat.

I think you need to find your voice @Summerisntwhatitusedtobe and tell them for the second 'visit' they need to stay in a hotel or a B&B or AirBnB because you cannot wait on them to the extent that they appear to want. You know your daughter, they clearly don't know their grandchild to the same level, and when you told them to do X to help keep her safe, they had a discussion, loud enough that they could be overheard and passed judgement on you and your parenting.

3 weeks is far too long for them to stay unless they are going to muck in with what is going on in the househould. That includes looking after each other, doing laundry, doing dinner, doing the washing up - everything.
If they want a holiday where they don't have to lift a finger, they need to stay in an all inclusive resort or go on a cruise!

@LookItsMeAgain You’re right