Overheard parents bitching about me

[Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]

Parents have come to stay at our house for a few weeks. Toddler Dd is very active, parents aren’t old, but I can see how she could wear them out, she wears me out!
Dd went into the front garden and I got the key to lock the front gate and just said to mum if she ever goes in the garden just as a heads up to lock the gate if I’m not here etc (in toilet, getting changed, wherever)
Went to lock it and went to go into the kitchen and heard dad saying to mum why was I saying that to my mum as if she should know, followed by my mum saying how Dd never stops and it’s just a bit tiring. Dad then started to say how my mum has to learn to say no. Bearing in mind, I’ve never asked them to babysit, my sister constantly puts both kids on them, mum used to pick them up every day after school when they were younger and my sister even went away for a week and left them with my mum.
I never ask them for anything, was giving a heads up considering we’re all in the same house for the next few weeks.
Aibu to feel hurt and pissed off by this

@mathanxiety

There is no way your DD should be able to get out into the front garden.

You need to put a chain on your front door. If there's access around the side of the house, you need to block that too.

Missing the point. Read the posts. OP yanbu. Your parents should be engaged enough with their granddaughter to want to keep her safe by locking the damn gate. OP you have to have a talk because the miscommunication and resentment will start to ruin relationships.

@Summerisntwhatitusedtobe

Now, they’ve gone and bought us a fridge..without asking. I realise I should be grateful, but also, it feels like overstepping the mark..again. Dd has been sick the last couple of days on and off (so is actually much calmer than normal 🙈) mum was sick too, stomach bug going around. I came downstairs and Dp was putting a new fridge in, I was like ‘What?’ He said my mum has asked/told my dad to give him the money to get a new fridge. Our fridge was getting old, granted, but to not consult 🤷🏻‍♀️She obviously feels they may have got sick from something in the fridge (I know her) it’s definitely not illness from that. I don’t know, I feel a bit embarrassed by it!

Maybe they were just trying to give you a nice surprise! One problem that often occurs in relationships is the cognitive error of ‘mind reading’. You can’t know that their motivation was because your mum thought they had caught something from your fridge. If you could take things at face value, things might be happier.

@AnnieSnap True, but it wasn’t that 😕

@mathanxiety I understand, but she can’t get out of the patio, ok.

I think it might be nothing to do with DD and more that they have had a tiring journey to get to you, are in a different place without their normal routine, with none of their usual relaxing pastimes (eg morning breakfast show) , and they saw this as a holiday, they probably don't do DSis s washing up as they aren't staying in her home, and DSiss DCs go home in the Evening.
All the change and a toddler around 24/7 is a shock! tiring, and a toddler greatly limits what you can do.
I'd have a chat - do they want to go and stay in a nice hotel somewhere touristy for a bi? Will DH have DD at the weekend and you others go off somewhere, or at least a nice meal.or DH take them off somewhere interesting. Anyway chatting about plans would help.

@Weebleweeble They come here a few times a year, they’re used to all of it

@Weebleweeble I also feel a bit unfair on dh doing that

Which Parents or DD?
maybe they are coming too often.

I childmind for DGCs but am always glad to get home. Peaceful, I see my friends and get back to my hobbies and interests.

@Weebleweeble They come over here a few times a year, they’re used to Dd, she’s a normal toddler, but I think they think she’s more active than others, she’s not 🤷🏻‍♀️I often feel secretly judged by them, but she’s only nearly 3 and full of happiness and energy. They say she never stops, never stops talking etc and they can’t remember the others being like that (us when kids and sisters kids)

Just remember they’re not as young as you and will tire easier. You probably don’t notice but your dad did and he was concerned for your mum. Did you invite them? Are they staying a bit too long?

@Weebleweeble They have the choice to maybe come for shorter stays, it’s hard to feel like I need to curb her behaviour in my own home, when really it’s normal stuff!

@gamerchick

Tell them they're welcome to piss off to a hotel if asking to keep your child safe is a major intrusion on them.

I totally would.

@Feeasco That’s exactly how I feel, remembering how I felt when she was first born and being away from everyone and just being a first time mum, if Dd is a mum, I want to be much more supportive and hands on, but I get we’re all different

Maybe just say to them days out as a couple would benefit them and suggest them places to go or book somewhere for them.

@Monstermunch67 Why do they do that though? Can’t they see the unfairness

@Reallybadidea Do you not think half is fair? I really never know how to organise it as if obviously be doing the normal weekly shop for us, so couldn’t expect them to pay for it all

@Happyher Then, that’s where I start to feel guilty and feel like I should be going out of my way to give them the best holiday ever. Admittedly I used to do that more, as it was easier before Dd..cocktails on the beach, road trips, nights out etc..life is just different now, it is what she wants on tv sometimes, it is based on things she enjoys, isn’t that normal 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not that I think half isn't enough, it's more that it's that they seem to be only contributing a 'fair' amount financially, whilst expecting you to cook and clean up after them. There doesn't seem to be any recognition that they're creating a lot more work for you and not doing much at all to mitigate that. By say, offering to cook or wash up or take dd out to give you a break etc. They're getting really cheap holiday accommodation - mostly at your expense in terms of cooking, cleaning and entertainment.

I'm sure DD is fine and it's more that they are being grumpy. Not sure why though. Try to have a conversation and find out what they'd prefer. Shorter stay?
I think the first DGCs often get more attention and favouritism - just because they are the first. But it does get more tiring the older you are.
Could DH be doing more - you're tired too.

Yanbu. What you told them was just practical common sense stuff and not a big ask at all. Both my parents and in laws are like that. They have zero relationship with my DCs, it's embarrassing. I find having them over stressful compared to having friends or my brother over.

They need to pay for and go away on their own holiday instead of imposing on your hospitality.

Also it's normal and healthy for toddlers to be active and full on

I overhear my parents moan about me and my siblings all the time; it's their specialist subject!

Although it's annoying, I've learnt to bite my tongue and suck it up; especially as I'm currently living with them with my DC while waiting for my house purchase to go through (hopefully it won't be too much longer!)

@quizqueen

I think you need to get a thicker skin, to be honest, and not be such a snowflake about comments made about your child.

And I think you need to (at least try) to understand what the OP is saying and not be so obtuse! 🙄

Sending you hugs OP and 🌸

Maybe your parents are just getting old and tired and grumpy! I know mine are.

[quote Summerisntwhatitusedtobe]@Happyher Then, that’s where I start to feel guilty and feel like I should be going out of my way to give them the best holiday ever. Admittedly I used to do that more, as it was easier before Dd..cocktails on the beach, road trips, nights out etc..life is just different now, it is what she wants on tv sometimes, it is based on things she enjoys, isn’t that normal 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
It sounds as if your parents have become very used to you providing them with really great holidays. Cocktails on the beach, road trips, etc. sound fabulous. This was the status quo and they have a sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, these great holidays have now come to an end with the arrival of your DD and it does sound like your parents resent her for this. This is why they are quite critical of your DD and feel put out by even the most minor of requests.

I think your parents have been quite selfish here and have overstepped boundaries. I think they really need to hear some home truths here.

Do you think your parents bitching is hereditary?