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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to confront friend commenting on my parenting

126 replies

Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 11:22

So I have a friend. We've known eachother for around 6 months. Our older children are in the same school class and our younger children are starting the same pre school together.

We've been having playdates at each others houses recently with the younger 2 whilst the older 2 are at school. But there are things that she's been doing and saying that are really raising red flags for me.

Firstly, we were at the park together last week. I was in the que to get coffees while our DD's were playing on the slide. My DD had her turn and then cut in front before my friends DD had reached the slide. At that point my friend sort of loses herself and tells my DD off, quite brutally, telling her that she's not a very kind friend for cutting in front and that nobody will want to play with her if she behaves that way. My DD was pretty sad. They're only 4.
The coffee stand isn't far from the slide and my friend knows I'm right there. I would have pulled my DD to the side after getting coffees and told her that it's important to take turns.
I wouldn't have minded if my friend had asked my DD to take turns but it made me mad that she outright berated her.

I let it go and avoided her for a few days but yesterday she came to our house with her DD for a playdate.
I'm a potty mouth and although I try not to swear in front of my children, occasionally one slips out. And while she was over, I accidentally said shit. The kids were out of earshot but she still feels the need to tell me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be swearing around the kids.
I reason with myself that it's fair enough if she doesn't want swearing around her DD and let it go.

Lastly, my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes. I didn't say anything but it's really been playing on my mind and I feel that I need to tell her not to comment on my parenting in the future. But maybe I'm being sensitive. There's been many a time that I've thought things about other people's parenting but I certainly wouldn't share that opinion.

AIBU to want to confront her about this?

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 16/07/2021 11:27

Unless you want the blame for daring to call her out so back away. Your dd doesn't need micro managing. And she isn't your friend is she?

Aprilx · 16/07/2021 11:27

I wouldn’t bother confronting someone I had only known six months, I would just stop spending time with them.

Cheerio21 · 16/07/2021 11:31

As pp I would just back off.
It would annoy me too

Original poster
Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 11:34

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

OP posts:
Yourteaisgettingcold · 16/07/2021 11:34

You've only known her 6months. I'd start being less and less or not available.

Soubriquet · 16/07/2021 11:35

That would piss me off off

I would probably have snapped by now about not being the perfect fucking parent but at least I’m not a judgmental one

Merryoldgoat · 16/07/2021 11:35

Just stop meeting her - you’ve known her 6 months. She sounds like a douche.

Boomshakalack · 16/07/2021 11:35

Cool it off. She sounds unpleasant and judgey.

Ponoka7 · 16/07/2021 11:35

I'd be spending less time with her and telling her that she has her opinions and you have yours. You have different parenting styles and I wouldn't have hers inflicted into me.

Theunamedcat · 16/07/2021 11:37

Be busy when she shows up unannounced

Sorry we are just leaving

Can't open the door my pet snake has escaped I need to find it before it eats someone

Look im just not up for dealing with humans today

randomlyLostInWales · 16/07/2021 11:41

I wouldn't say anything as it will only blow up potentially carrying on into schools for years.

I'd learn to deal with the inviting herself round and showing up with out warning - don't answer the door - politely explain you are busy - be out more - or use phrase that doesn't work for me.

You might also want to practise a - cold hard stare - or a I beg your parden or what do you mean by that to put her on the spot when she makes comments about you when your around that you dislike.

Ultimately see her less and spend time with people who you actually like.

LittleTiger007 · 16/07/2021 11:41

@Aprilx

I wouldn’t bother confronting someone I had only known six months, I would just stop spending time with them.
This.

You have realised that this friendship does not have legs. This woman is massively annoying, condescending and unhealthy to be around. So just smile when you see her and move on with your life. This is what happens in life, new friendships are tried out for size, this one is not a good fit - move on.

LittleTiger007 · 16/07/2021 11:42

@randomlyLostInWales

I wouldn't say anything as it will only blow up potentially carrying on into schools for years.

I'd learn to deal with the inviting herself round and showing up with out warning - don't answer the door - politely explain you are busy - be out more - or use phrase that doesn't work for me.

You might also want to practise a - cold hard stare - or a I beg your parden or what do you mean by that to put her on the spot when she makes comments about you when your around that you dislike.

Ultimately see her less and spend time with people who you actually like.

100%
Laserbird16 · 16/07/2021 11:43

No confrontation necessary. She's an acquaintance not a friend. As you get to know her you're finding you're not compatible. Really it's just that you have children of a similar age that you are hanging out. Just let it fizzle out, be busy etc.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2021 11:44

I'd just stop hanging round with her.

Got to say though its massively frustrating to hear repeated identical threats for poor behaviour and they never get followed through. Waste of breath.

NicLondon1 · 16/07/2021 11:47

Agree - she is incredibly annoying and condescending! Spend less time with her.

And don't be afraid to pull her up, in the same way she pulls you up! Eg Say loudly, please don't speak to my child that way!
Or, re: the swearing, Well, they can't hear me can they?
Or, "Such a shame we can't all be perfect parents" with a sweet smile.
Or "We clearly have differing parenting strategies, but I wouldn't dream of criticising yours to your face"

You need to talk back, and stand up for yourself.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/07/2021 11:48

I’d phase her out - she’s cheeky and rude. A hi when you do see her is enough, don’t spend time with her

EKGEMS · 16/07/2021 11:49

I'd have gotten out of line for coffee and gone to my daughter and kept her away from that bitch the rest of the day. Anyone a guest in my house tells me off about swearing would've been shown the door

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 11:56

I wouldn't confront someone I know that length of time either as PP have said. I'd just become distant, if she calls uninvited tell her, sorry you're going out

3scape · 16/07/2021 12:01

She's not a friend. You've known her 6 months and your children. Play together. If you don't like her then don't spend time with her.

Holly60 · 16/07/2021 12:05

I agree with others. Can you organise some play dates with other people or make sure you are out and about for a few weeks so that you are unavailable?

Ozanj · 16/07/2021 12:08

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.
If she does that then you tell her to piss off.
WellLarDeDar · 16/07/2021 12:11

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.
I mean this in a nice way! But grow a spine! If she turns up uninvited or invites herself round tell her you're busy or about to go out. You've only known her 6 months she's hardly a friend, just stop hanging out with her.
IntermittentParps · 16/07/2021 12:14

And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

I'd ditch her for that, never mind the judginess.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2021 12:18

The result of calling her out will end the friendship so just do that and don’t have the angst in thr middle. She’s not going to agree with you. So just cool it down and make yourself unavailable.