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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confront friend commenting on my parenting

126 replies

Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 11:22

So I have a friend. We've known eachother for around 6 months. Our older children are in the same school class and our younger children are starting the same pre school together.

We've been having playdates at each others houses recently with the younger 2 whilst the older 2 are at school. But there are things that she's been doing and saying that are really raising red flags for me.

Firstly, we were at the park together last week. I was in the que to get coffees while our DD's were playing on the slide. My DD had her turn and then cut in front before my friends DD had reached the slide. At that point my friend sort of loses herself and tells my DD off, quite brutally, telling her that she's not a very kind friend for cutting in front and that nobody will want to play with her if she behaves that way. My DD was pretty sad. They're only 4.
The coffee stand isn't far from the slide and my friend knows I'm right there. I would have pulled my DD to the side after getting coffees and told her that it's important to take turns.
I wouldn't have minded if my friend had asked my DD to take turns but it made me mad that she outright berated her.

I let it go and avoided her for a few days but yesterday she came to our house with her DD for a playdate.
I'm a potty mouth and although I try not to swear in front of my children, occasionally one slips out. And while she was over, I accidentally said shit. The kids were out of earshot but she still feels the need to tell me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be swearing around the kids.
I reason with myself that it's fair enough if she doesn't want swearing around her DD and let it go.

Lastly, my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes. I didn't say anything but it's really been playing on my mind and I feel that I need to tell her not to comment on my parenting in the future. But maybe I'm being sensitive. There's been many a time that I've thought things about other people's parenting but I certainly wouldn't share that opinion.

AIBU to want to confront her about this?

OP posts:

newnortherner111 · 16/07/2021 13:44

Just see less of her if you are upset by her comments. Though I agree with one (if not the way expressed) in that if you advise your child of consequences for unacceptable behaviour you should not back down and follow things through. Worth a bit of pain now as otherwise teenage years will be even more of a nightmare.

MrsToadlike · 16/07/2021 13:45

If she's behaving like this towards you now after 6 months, what will she be like after 12 months? Or 24?

Reading your original post it seems like she considers herself and her parenting superior to you and your parenting. Which is why she feels the need to pull you up and correct you.

As others have said, there's nothing necessarily wrong with either you or her, but you're incompatible. So it's probably best not continuing

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 16/07/2021 13:50

Each time she does this in future just tell her to ???? off, it should soon solve the problem.

Justilou1 · 16/07/2021 13:51

She’s awful… She doesn’t like you either.

ButtonMoonLoon · 16/07/2021 13:52

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me!

I’d be keeping my distance and being too busy to meet up from now on tbh. I wouldn’t want her around me let alone my child.

1forAll74 · 16/07/2021 13:53

If you have chosen to be friends with her,and now don't much like her attitude on things,then just cross her off as a friend.especially as she turns up any old time,and is always critical..Othewise,she will keep being the same.and you will keep being irritated by her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/07/2021 13:53

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

Give her a cheery wave at drop-offs and keep moving. Or chat - I used to chat to lots of people at drop-offs, it was the only time I saw most of them, chatting didn't oblige me to anything further.

As for inviting herself round, you stop her and the door and say 'a bit busy today, some other time' - and channel Gandalf, 'You. Shall. Not. Pass!'.

Remember - you are under no obligation to her. None.

(As an aside, when she did the muttering thing I'd have been all 'Speak up! If you have something to say, say it out loud, muttering is very RUDE.')

3Britnee · 16/07/2021 13:55

Sounds like she's got a point though op. Maybe you need to actually parent your child and instill some discipline.

billy1966 · 16/07/2021 13:55

@Aprilx

I wouldn’t bother confronting someone I had only known six months, I would just stop spending time with them.

This.

She sounds awful and you are wasting your time.

A lot of parents would be deeply unhappy with the first incident at the coffee stand and would have left there and then.

BuntyHovenn · 16/07/2021 13:57

I would say something along the lines of ‘when you’….’I feel’…..‘I’d rather’…. I’d never just ghost someone. She might not realise the impact she is having on you. If she can’t accept a respectful challenge then that’s her issue to resolve and the friendship will probably end. In my experience when you let someone know how you are feeling, without blame, they may shift their behaviour.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 16/07/2021 13:57

Your daughter sounds totally normal, hardly bad behaved. That mum sounds like my worst nightmare. I don't think I'd even care if a kid took another turn before mine had theirs so long as there was no actual pushing or obstruction, some kids move faster than others, it's not like the slide will run out.

2bazookas · 16/07/2021 13:59

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

So what? If an unwanted person turns up uninvioted either you don't answer the door , or you fob them off " This is not a convenient time" or " I'm not going to ask you in because I'm very busy"

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 16/07/2021 14:21

my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes.

Whether you’re guilty of that or not, that would piss me off as it’s such a needlessly twatty thing to say. It doesn’t affect her on any level, it’s passive aggressive and in all honesty it sounds like she considers herself to be superior to you parenting wise and only hangs out with you and your kids to give herself a little boost.

I wouldn’t bother confronting her about it but I wouldn’t make any plans to hang out and tell her that you’re busy every time she asks until she stops. If she asks what the problem is by all means tell her but I have a sneaking suspicion she will twist it around in her own mind you’re the one who has a problem- that you feel inferior to her or something.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/07/2021 14:22

Oh Lord, this is why I went out of my way to NOT make any friends at the school gate. Well, I made one between both of my dc when my eldest started school and her dc and mine are still best friends now, 11 years later and we are very close too.

I actively stayed away from the others but then I seemed to be in the minority of mums who worked so I think I was left out automatically anyway, which suited me.

Just phase her out, life's too short.

newlabelwriter · 16/07/2021 14:25

Get rid, I had a friend like this in DDs year when they were in primary and she was so judgey and I spent most of primary being irritated by her.

Chewbecca · 16/07/2021 14:32

Definitely back off and find friends you share approaches more closely with.

But do ask yourself if you're happy with all those situations. I wouldn't be happy with swearing in front of children and it sounds as if you may have regularly threatened punishment and not followed through.

Earwigworries · 16/07/2021 14:32

Nobody needs friends who constantly look down on them - the reality is she’s someone you know not a friend . Just be less available .

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 14:36

@StrangeToSee I didn't get that the child pushed in front of her from a height in the OP, sounded to me like they were by the steps and she pushed in front (but maybe I'm wrong?)

Also, her parenting style isn't the issue, it's her trying to impose that parenting style on another parent and their child

And there's a way to tell a 4 year old not to cut the queue without telling them no one will like them and they'll have no friends ffs, she's not much more than a baby jesus

And another thing, it's absolutely none of her "friends" business how she responds to her kid asking for a treat

Killahangilion · 16/07/2021 14:37

No-one is born perfect and good behaviour is learnt, and many adults are still learning.

I think you should tell her how annoying you find her constant mini critiques. She might not realise she’s doing it? If she wants to be friends, she’ll adjust her behaviour, if not, you can part ways.

Personally, I find it far more passive aggressive to just drop someone without telling them what they’ve done to upset you.

These are the real bitches who think they’re far too superior to everyone else to be bothered to put any effort in to building a friendship.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 16/07/2021 14:38

Fuck no.

She brings her kid round so often because you're someone to entertain her children.

Start distancing yourself. Honestly, get a ring doorbell it's the best £80 you'll ever spend and when you see it's her don't go to the door. She'll stop turning up if you don't answer.

Better yet, say one of the DC is quarantining. After you've broken the cycle of seeing her every couple of days it will be easier to drift into the ether and she can take her condescending self and find a new friend to bully.

bloodyhell19 · 16/07/2021 14:43

She's seen you coming, I'd say. OP, she's berated your very young DD, possibly knocked her confidence, judged you, judged your parenting and she's only been around 6 months. Just be unavailable, wave and keep moving. I'm a big fan of the nothing conversation - as in, allow someone to chat at me for a few mins and I keep it moving with non-committal answers but I don't engage in conversation. You can allow people into your life on your terms - there's no onus on you to put up with her. I would have cut her a new one for speaking to my child like that in the first place and that would have been the end of the playdates but that's just me...

Sssloou · 16/07/2021 14:49

The fact that she has multiple older children so could have loads of “Mum friends” already but still rocks up at yours (someone new) repeatedly uninvited tells you all you need to know.

She has v poor social skills and everyone else has swerved her.

I would be v disturbed by an adult berating a 4 year old like that - that would have been the first and last time I was in her company. I would never expose my child to a person like that.

EssentialHummus · 16/07/2021 14:52

I've said things to other parents about their parenting only when it affects my child - i.e. if the parent stares gormlessly while their kid snatches something off mine, repeatedly, I will ask them whether they are happy to rectify that situation or would like me to. But it can get quite difficult - I had a friend who routinely took fucking years to leave my home with her DC. So we'd get held up while she sat on the sofa saying "Bobby, come on, shoes" and Bobby ignored her. It was always really difficult for me not to pick him up and just deposit him in her lap.

In your shoes OP I'd just dial it back. No need to invite her in every time she rings the bell, no need for frequent playdates. Otherwise this will carry on and I imagine you'll get more irritated and blow up at her eventually.

HunkyPunk · 16/07/2021 14:56

Just carry on swearing in front of her child and she'll soon back off!

whychangethehabitofalifetime · 16/07/2021 14:58

When she said about following through why on earth did you not fix her with a death glare and say 'excuse me?'.

If you don't challenge these people they will carry on!

Maybe your child is being a pest, and if so then deal with it. Nothing wrong with pointing it out if you haven't spotted it or are completely ignoring it. I won't let other people's children misbehave in my house or hurt//badly upset my children anywhere. But the passive aggressive comments would drive me mad and I would say something. Muttering about it after the event won't do any good!

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