AIBU to confront friend commenting on my parenting

[Mof3gbg]

So I have a friend. We've known eachother for around 6 months. Our older children are in the same school class and our younger children are starting the same pre school together.

We've been having playdates at each others houses recently with the younger 2 whilst the older 2 are at school. But there are things that she's been doing and saying that are really raising red flags for me.

Firstly, we were at the park together last week. I was in the que to get coffees while our DD's were playing on the slide. My DD had her turn and then cut in front before my friends DD had reached the slide. At that point my friend sort of loses herself and tells my DD off, quite brutally, telling her that she's not a very kind friend for cutting in front and that nobody will want to play with her if she behaves that way. My DD was pretty sad. They're only 4.
The coffee stand isn't far from the slide and my friend knows I'm right there. I would have pulled my DD to the side after getting coffees and told her that it's important to take turns.
I wouldn't have minded if my friend had asked my DD to take turns but it made me mad that she outright berated her.

I let it go and avoided her for a few days but yesterday she came to our house with her DD for a playdate.
I'm a potty mouth and although I try not to swear in front of my children, occasionally one slips out. And while she was over, I accidentally said shit. The kids were out of earshot but she still feels the need to tell me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be swearing around the kids.
I reason with myself that it's fair enough if she doesn't want swearing around her DD and let it go.

Lastly, my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes. I didn't say anything but it's really been playing on my mind and I feel that I need to tell her not to comment on my parenting in the future. But maybe I'm being sensitive. There's been many a time that I've thought things about other people's parenting but I certainly wouldn't share that opinion.

AIBU to want to confront her about this?

Has she struck a nerve because she has a point? I've asked other kids to wait their turn in the playground before when they've tried to cut in and will continue to do so. And you've conceded that you swear too much.

You're incompatible as friends. It's much easier to hang out with people who have similar parenting styles. Your 'friendship' is really only on the back of your kids playing together.
Don't call it out, neither of you are right, you're just different.

Don’t have a blow out just be less available. If she calls round, say ach! We’re busy/ just out/ it’s not a good time. Be breezy and keep her at arms length.

Yes she sounds hard work. Back off and make plans with other people.

She doesn't sound very nice. If she's latched onto you and you've only known each other for 6 months, she probably has form for this and maybe doesn't have a lot of other friends. Usually people who do these things are quite insecure about themselves.

You’re not compatible and that’s ok. Your DD’s can maintain their friendship but you don’t have to be friends with her.

Are you usually compatible and friendly?
If she's a dick all.the time she's most likely using you to break the day up while her other kids at school.

Oh god she sounds so annoying. Let the friendship fizzle out.

I wouldn’t say anything as it’s a new friendship and you’ll be seeing lots of her if your children are going to school together. I’d just start to see less of her, some new friendships work and others don’t and this one clearly isn’t for you.

Likes others have said, I'd distance myself.

If you want to remain some sort of contact for the sake of the little ones, maybe limit it to the times she does turn up unannounced if you can bear that even

I'd definitely start trying to avoid her as much as possible tbh. From what you've said it sounds like your DD annoys her and she doesn't really like her, so I doubt it will improve naturally. You don't need the hassle.

How dare she roll her eyes at you! In your own house too.

You barely know each other. I think its a red flag in itself that she is frequently calling uninvited and she only knows you 6 months. How many Mums "friends" has she gone through already?

I have 4 DC and I have seen so much of this carry on over the years I have a very low threshold for their smugness.

I had one mum come to me very upset that her child was constantly chastised by another mum in the group. Yet, never correcting her own boys! Needless to say she is not part of our group anymore. We all dwindled away from her!

People tend to avoid the "school teacher" type mums (no disrespect to teachers!) But who feel its their right to teach children how to behave in a very direct manner.

Don't put up with her bullshit- she knows exactly what she's doing, she's developed a passive aggressive manner with you to make herself appear the dominant one in the friendship.

As another posted kindly put it- Grow a spine! Get rid of her

I'd just stop meeting up with her.

If she speaks inappropriately to your dd again I would challenge that directly though e.g. "Please don't speak to dd like that. Please speak to me if there's something you are really worried about."

Re parenting comments, I've found a plastered on smile and "We all do things differently" can work.

Just avoid her from now on. Be busy...
Don't invite her in if she turns up.

I'd have said it was a difference in parenting styles until the muttering under the breath comment. That shows she isn't a nice friend. We think these things but never say them!

Anyone telling my DCs off when I am there gets very short shrift from me.

YANBU. But really why bother? You don’t need to spend time with her so don’t.

She sounds like hard work. Agree there are plenty of ways to deal with a child jumping a queue without telling them they are nasty and no-one will want to play with them, that behaviour sounds even more childish!
Truth is OP you aren't compatible and it's not a natural friendship. She sounds annoying but then it also sounds like she finds you and your daughter annoying so unsure why she wants to pursue the friendship either.
I would avoid and let it fizzle out.

she sounds awful , as everybody else has said shes not actually a friend yet , so id just be leaving a confrontation , and being very very busy suddenly when or if she suggests playdates or meet ups , if she turns up at the house its easy , you arent well , about to lie down , dd isnt well , about to go out to the dentist , she will soon get the message .

It sounds like she has a different parenting style and you’re being insensitive.

If my DD pushed another child out of the way to go first in the slide queue I’d tell her off immediately; it’s not just rude and bolshy, it’s dangerous as a child could fall from a height. Sounds like you ignored it as you wanted to get the coffee so your friend stepped in. Why did that make you ‘mad’? Your friend was right, your daughter shouldn’t have cut in and wasn’t being a kind friend, and if nobody pulls her up she will end up without friends. How do you know things like this haven’t happened before and your daughter has pushed her friend aside to go first or get the limelight? She’s 4 not 2.

Swearing in front of the kids would irritate me as they pick up words so easily. I wouldn’t care if they weren’t there but swearing in front of another person’s child is rude.

As for your daughter pestering for snacks, clearly you’ve given in before or friend wouldn’t have referred to you not following through. If you’ve told her once and she interrupts you again to nag, yes it’s irritating for friend.

It sounds like you have a very relaxed, carefree approach and your friend disciplined her daughter more, so expects yours to have the same level of manners and respect.

I’d either drop the friendship or be more assertive with your DD. Especially watching she isn’t being unkind to friend’s DD and punishing her appropriately if she is. Mine would have been told no more slide for 10 mins and to apologise to her friend?

I think the friendshio is going to end whatever you do - either you say nothing and you get so irritated that you don;t want to spend time with her or you pull her up on her remarks and she takes the huff and doesn't come round. It depends really on whether you want to have your say and let her know why you don;t really want to spend time with her. She sounds very judgemental.
I suppose a middle ground might be to say something like 'we all parent a bit differently don't we, I would never criticise someone's parenting just because it is different from my own. I often bite my tongue over certain things you do - but I tend to think its rather rude to interfere with other people's parenting.'

As regards to seeing her at school gates etc. Your DD is probably near to the age where play dates don't need the parent to come too, so you might be able to ease her out of your life apart from doorstep drop offs and collections, without your DD having to lose a friend.

I think I probably would have snapped by now, she sounds as if she is a bit clueless if she thinks you have to be nasty to a child to get them to take turns. Most children just need a calm reminder because they have got over excited and forgotten the 'turns' rule.

You're only friends because of the kids. Get rid - it was the best thing I did.

I wouldn’t have muttered about you not following through, I’d have told you straight on. It pisses me off hearing parents pretend to give a child consequences but never follow through. And to be honest, sounds like maybe you need to be more proactive.

And to be honest, sounds like maybe you need to be more proactive.

I agree. Sounds like both would be better off with the friendship ending. DD had a friend who’s mother was always chucking empty threats at her. At 12 years old, the girl has no idea what boundaries are and isn’t welcome in our home.

She's not a friend she's a dickhead.

Just keep swearing in her and the kids company. If she comments again tell her she's welcome to leave as you won't be changing for her or anyone else.

who is right and who is wrong doesn't matter. You get to choose your friends and you DEFINITELY get to choose who comes into your house and when.