AIBU to confront friend commenting on my parenting

[Mof3gbg]

So I have a friend. We've known eachother for around 6 months. Our older children are in the same school class and our younger children are starting the same pre school together.

We've been having playdates at each others houses recently with the younger 2 whilst the older 2 are at school. But there are things that she's been doing and saying that are really raising red flags for me.

Firstly, we were at the park together last week. I was in the que to get coffees while our DD's were playing on the slide. My DD had her turn and then cut in front before my friends DD had reached the slide. At that point my friend sort of loses herself and tells my DD off, quite brutally, telling her that she's not a very kind friend for cutting in front and that nobody will want to play with her if she behaves that way. My DD was pretty sad. They're only 4.
The coffee stand isn't far from the slide and my friend knows I'm right there. I would have pulled my DD to the side after getting coffees and told her that it's important to take turns.
I wouldn't have minded if my friend had asked my DD to take turns but it made me mad that she outright berated her.

I let it go and avoided her for a few days but yesterday she came to our house with her DD for a playdate.
I'm a potty mouth and although I try not to swear in front of my children, occasionally one slips out. And while she was over, I accidentally said shit. The kids were out of earshot but she still feels the need to tell me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be swearing around the kids.
I reason with myself that it's fair enough if she doesn't want swearing around her DD and let it go.

Lastly, my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes. I didn't say anything but it's really been playing on my mind and I feel that I need to tell her not to comment on my parenting in the future. But maybe I'm being sensitive. There's been many a time that I've thought things about other people's parenting but I certainly wouldn't share that opinion.

AIBU to want to confront her about this?

Doesn't sound much like a friend.

I would just ease off the contact. Politely chat with her at the school gates. If she turns up at your house, tell her you're off out or you have plans.

No need to be rude back to her or confront her and no need to maintain a relationship that is causing unnecessary energy and upset to you.

@Sssloou

The fact that she has multiple older children so could have loads of “Mum friends” already but still rocks up at yours (someone new) repeatedly uninvited tells you all you need to know.

She has v poor social skills and everyone else has swerved her.

I would be v disturbed by an adult berating a 4 year old like that - that would have been the first and last time I was in her company. I would never expose my child to a person like that.

That's a really good point, about how often she's rocking up at yours!

I think I would do the smiling nope. In other words, no confrontation, just a pleasant vague unavailability. Your schedule doesn't work, this isn't a good time, we're really busy, you know how it is, see you at school... serene and positive and in a fog of unreachableness.

Urgh I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. Call it a day with this person and find someone better to spend time with.

I don't know why I'm commenting on this as I'm not even a parent!

But I suppose I keep reading Mumsnet threads with a lot of people advising to cut contact, friendships, or whatever, over really quite trivial things. I think you sound a nice and reasonable person. If you can say something to her in a calm and nice way in a non-heated moment - I think that's worth a go. Why assume that will be the end of the friendship without even trying? And perhaps she will just take a step back and realise she's been a bit full on and be a bit more tolerant going forward? I'm not saying I manage to do these sorts of interactions well all the time in my life but surely it's worth trying and worth a go? I think if you are calm and reasonable it will be hard for someone to make a feud about it for years to come. I really do dislike the attitude of freezing people out/avoiding or whatever it is without even giving them a chance or explaing the position.

She might be horrible or she might just be a bit bossy and thoughtless or she might be a little hassled and grumpy. But either way by speaking to her you are giving her the opportunity to think about it and alter the way she's being if she wants to stay friendly with you and it's a more respectful way to be (in my opinion). I also think that you might feel better and more confident yourself if you talk to her rather than just stopping the friendship. I don't know how you might phrase it but maybe just saying that there have been a couple of occasions where she's made the odd comment that makes you feel a bit undermined in terms of how you are handling your child, or whatever. And perhaps she isn't meaning it but you'd appreciate if she wouldn't do that. YOu have different parenting styles and choices and you respect hers so hope she can let you crack on with yours as it's up to each of you to decide for yourselves how you teach your own children how to be. Just my tuppence!

@Aprilx

I wouldn’t bother confronting someone I had only known six months, I would just stop spending time with them.

Same. I would say she’s an acquaintance at best

Just stop meeting with her. Life's too short. I couldn't be bothered being around people like that, it doesn't sound edifying.

Avoid avoid avoid. She sounds incredibly rude. And a bit of a competitive parent, which is very draining.

She sounds stuck up with a superiority complex. How dare she berate your little girl.

It's hard in the moment but I'd say something like 'don't worry I'm her Mum, you can leave the discipline to me' or 'that's not how we teach manners in our house, sorry!' and a nice condescending gritted-teeth smile.

She's not a friend, just someone you've known for a few months. It doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong, she's annoying and pissing you off. Just Avoid her, if she invites herself round simply say no, if she turns up , keep her in the door step and say you're busy and bye.

Your just different personality people. I wouldn't have an issue with friend telling my child off for pushing in. Lots people dont like swearing. And sounds like you take a much different approach to discipline.

You dont have to be her bestie. Keep it light and chatty at school. Dont arrange playdates. If she comes round make an excuse for her not to come in. It easy to fade back on these types of relationships

She's not a friend, just someone you've known for a few months. It doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong, she's annoying and pissing you off. Just Avoid her, if she invites herself round simply say no, if she turns up , keep her in the door step and say you're busy and bye.

^This. You’ve only known her for six months so it isn’t as if she’s a close friend.

@NicLondon1

Agree - she is incredibly annoying and condescending! Spend less time with her.

And don't be afraid to pull her up, in the same way she pulls you up! Eg Say loudly, please don't speak to my child that way!
Or, re: the swearing, Well, they can't hear me can they?
Or, "Such a shame we can't all be perfect parents" with a sweet smile.
Or "We clearly have differing parenting strategies, but I wouldn't dream of criticising yours to your face"

You need to talk back, and stand up for yourself.

I'd do this and also push right back on the unannounced visits. I'd open the door, confused expression "had we made an arrangement? Oh right I see. Not a good time sorry. Bye." Close door. Every time.

It all sounds rather dramatic for a 6 month friendship.
Confronting, red flags.

Just drift......

And tell her not to just turn up at your house.

Or you could, at the next incident, turn around and say 'for fuck's sake, are you taking a pop at my parenting again?!' It sounds like that might get rid of the Patron Saint of Perfect Parenting toot sweet. . .

Not someone I’d want to be friends with.

I don’t know what there is to gain in “confronting” her, exactly.

I’d be more likely to just respond in a way that made it clear I was happy with my own parenting but wouldn’t call her out on being so judgmental. So for something like her “ How many times are you going to..” comment, I’d confidently respond “as many as I like.” and leave it at that.

Her telling your DD off is a bit different. I think it can be useful for most kids to realise other adults have a different view of behaviour. They get it when they go to any sort of childcare setting anyway. An occasional negative reaction can build resilience. But she also needs to know you have her back and she needs to enjoy the time you spend with this woman her DC. So if that sort of telling off happened frequently, that I would confront on. Probably by referring to research that supported my approach (because I’m a bit of a nerd like that) and asking her not to undermine it by telling DD off, that if she had a problem with what DD was doing she could point it out to me. If she pushed back I’d get to the point where I’d say we could just not get together anymore if she couldn’t control herself around other people’s children.

I would phase her out a bit, be pleasant but distant no more play dates etc you don’t have to say why just you’re busy or whatever.

People can have different parenting styles and no child is perfect, they do naughty things or disobey to push boundaries but it’s up to you as a parent to decide how you deal with it, ‘friend’ sounds a cheeky mare commenting on it. Mine get to ask twice max if they ask again or mither me it’s a NO to whatever it is they wanted, they need to be told that’s not acceptable when you’re talking. I remember not being allowed to interrupt if adults are speaking, my mum was very strict and proper which is fine.

I wouldn’t have minded a gentle no sarah we take turns it’s Maisie’s turn now to my child not what your friend said that wasn’t nice. Like she wanted to be unkind who is mean to a four year old!!. I don’t think op daughter lacks discipline, I didn’t get that from op posts at all.

@Hadtocomment

“She might be horrible or she might just be a bit bossy and thoughtless or she might be a little hassled and grumpy.”

Why would you accept any of those repeated behaviors in your own home, on a 4 year old or with any acquaintance in a social context?

Why should you entertain such a person - or invest in developing a friendship with such a character?

Do the people defending the "friend" for berating the child really agree with what she said?

There is absolutely no need to talk to any child like that, IMO.

"Why would you accept any of those repeated behaviors in your own home, on a 4 year old or with any acquaintance in a social context?

Why should you entertain such a person - or invest in developing a friendship with such a character?"

Not sure what I wrote is saying that OP should accept it. Surely I was suggesting the opposite - that she try and speak to her and see if the situation could be improved. It was the OP who called her a friend. If it was a friend of mine I was annoyed with or a friend who was annoyed with me, I hope they'd speak to me about it rather than just freezing me out or dropping me so I'd be none the wiser. I hope I would have the guts to say something but say it in a reasonable way rather than just cut off a friendship. Of course it's up to you how you'd deal with the situation. I find it hard to tell from the post whether she is deliberately being horrible or whether she might be short-tempered - maybe overtired or stressed. I suppose speaking to someone means you have a chance to find out. Someone who is snapping because tired or stressed or other problems will probably think about it and try and change. Someone trying to make another feel bad will just carry on. As I said, I also think it might make OP feel better to be able to speak up in a reasonable way. There are three things that bugged her where she didn't speak up at the time. Maybe be able to have said something earlier might also have made her feel better and more able to stand up for herself, her DD and her parenting style without any need for either confrontation or freezing out. But obviously it's up to her. I don't know the person or whether OP wants to remain friends with her. I assumed she did.

That was a reply to @Sssloou by the way! I apologise for all that rambling typo-ridden mess.

She sounds stuck up with a superiority complex. How dare she berate your little girl. It's hard in the moment but I'd say something like 'don't worry I'm her Mum, you can leave the discipline to me' or 'that's not how we teach manners in our house, sorry!' and a nice condescending gritted-teeth smile

I’ve ‘berated’ strangers kids for dangerous behaviour in playgrounds eg pushing DD out of the way to get to the slide entrance first (nearly knocked her backwards where there was a sheer drop). I’ve told kids off for trying to run up the slide when my DC was sliding down it, or for sliding straight after her so they collided at the bottom.

Once a mum told me off for ‘disciplining’ her child and told me she was perfectly capable of discipline her child herself. My response was ‘but you didn’t, did you?’

If a child is doing something that puts themselves or others in danger (like pushing past in the queue for a slide) I think it’s fine for the nearest parent to intervene and tell them off. I’d be mortified if my DC pushed in front of a friend to get another turn on the slide first!

How did you get to ‘stuck up’ and ‘superiority complex’?

There could be two sides to this - you are parenting effectively and she is being overbearing or your parenting is weak and ineffective and your friend is getting annoyed you aren't stepping up and dealing age appropriately with your 4 year old.

I think it's important that you look at what she is suggesting, evaluate your parenting to see if there is any reason for her comments and then get rid of her - no one needs friends like that. Her child will likely grow up to copy her - do you want her child to do the same with your child

If there was any truth in her words then she would not want your children to keep socialising together and would back off from the friendship herself.

@StrangeToSee

She sounds stuck up with a superiority complex. How dare she berate your little girl. It's hard in the moment but I'd say something like 'don't worry I'm her Mum, you can leave the discipline to me' or 'that's not how we teach manners in our house, sorry!' and a nice condescending gritted-teeth smile

I’ve ‘berated’ strangers kids for dangerous behaviour in playgrounds eg pushing DD out of the way to get to the slide entrance first (nearly knocked her backwards where there was a sheer drop). I’ve told kids off for trying to run up the slide when my DC was sliding down it, or for sliding straight after her so they collided at the bottom.

Once a mum told me off for ‘disciplining’ her child and told me she was perfectly capable of discipline her child herself. My response was ‘but you didn’t, did you?’

If a child is doing something that puts themselves or others in danger (like pushing past in the queue for a slide) I think it’s fine for the nearest parent to intervene and tell them off. I’d be mortified if my DC pushed in front of a friend to get another turn on the slide first!

How did you get to ‘stuck up’ and ‘superiority complex’?

I agree with you,

My dd was trying to go down the slide but couldn't because about 3 siblings were climbing up the slide and going down not giving dd any chance.

I politely asked the children to stop as my dd was getting distressed (it was a really high slide that you had to climb a rope triangle thing to access) and wanted to come down.

They ignored me, and wouldn't get off the slide.
My husband then firmly told them to get off to then their mother popped out of nowhere trying to have a go at him!

I don't understand why people can't just watch what their children are doing and intervene appropriately so then strangers don't need to!