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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confront friend commenting on my parenting

126 replies

Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 11:22

So I have a friend. We've known eachother for around 6 months. Our older children are in the same school class and our younger children are starting the same pre school together.

We've been having playdates at each others houses recently with the younger 2 whilst the older 2 are at school. But there are things that she's been doing and saying that are really raising red flags for me.

Firstly, we were at the park together last week. I was in the que to get coffees while our DD's were playing on the slide. My DD had her turn and then cut in front before my friends DD had reached the slide. At that point my friend sort of loses herself and tells my DD off, quite brutally, telling her that she's not a very kind friend for cutting in front and that nobody will want to play with her if she behaves that way. My DD was pretty sad. They're only 4.
The coffee stand isn't far from the slide and my friend knows I'm right there. I would have pulled my DD to the side after getting coffees and told her that it's important to take turns.
I wouldn't have minded if my friend had asked my DD to take turns but it made me mad that she outright berated her.

I let it go and avoided her for a few days but yesterday she came to our house with her DD for a playdate.
I'm a potty mouth and although I try not to swear in front of my children, occasionally one slips out. And while she was over, I accidentally said shit. The kids were out of earshot but she still feels the need to tell me in a very patronising way that I shouldn't be swearing around the kids.
I reason with myself that it's fair enough if she doesn't want swearing around her DD and let it go.

Lastly, my DD was asking for the second time for a treat. I told my DD that she needed to wait until after lunch, and that if she going to ask me again, she wouldn't be allowed the treat at all. My friend then mutters 'how many times are you going to say without following through' and rolls her eyes. I didn't say anything but it's really been playing on my mind and I feel that I need to tell her not to comment on my parenting in the future. But maybe I'm being sensitive. There's been many a time that I've thought things about other people's parenting but I certainly wouldn't share that opinion.

AIBU to want to confront her about this?

OP posts:

Youdiditanyway · 16/07/2021 12:19

Just a clash of personalities. I wouldn’t confront her personally otherwise you’re potentially setting yourself up for 7 years of drama on the school run. Who can be arsed with that really? Just become less available and let it fizzle out.

Divineswirls · 16/07/2021 12:19

I could not be friends with someone like her it would drive me bonkers

Brefugee · 16/07/2021 12:21

haha at her comment about following through I'd probably have said "ok I'm following through now. Go home. Don't let the door hit your backside on the way out"

And that would be that.

Berthatydfil · 16/07/2021 12:21

I’m swimming against the tide here but we only have your side here.
I have read loads of threads here about people who no longer see friends because of poor parenting of their badly behaved dc.
How do we know that your dd doesn’t push in front of other children on a regular basis? What’s wrong with her telling your dd it’s not nice to push in ? You weren’t there and we only have your word you would have dealt with it.
She could be doing her and you a huge favour. It’s quite possible she’s getting fed up if you aren’t following up on issues.

Brefugee · 16/07/2021 12:23

I also don't know what the problem is about the treat. she asked and got told no? then asked again and got told no and that if there was a 3rd time there would be no treat. Since ms Judgypants can't see in the future how is that "not following through"?

And really - we don't need the other side. This isn't the BBC this is AIBU.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2021 12:24

And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

So? You tell her to go away or don't answer the door. Time to grow a backbone, op. Why on earth would you spend time with someone like this?

eurochick · 16/07/2021 12:28

She sounds annoying but I would be judging your parenting too, but biting my lip. This week I saw my kid who was waiting patiently to take a turn shoved aside by a "friend" whose parents never call her out on that kind of behaviour. My daughter takes turns because we have pulled her up on not doing it!

BobLemon · 16/07/2021 12:29

She supposed to stand there and ignore some kid cutting line? Fuck that.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 12:29

@Berthatydfil

I’m swimming against the tide here but we only have your side here. I have read loads of threads here about people who no longer see friends because of poor parenting of their badly behaved dc. How do we know that your dd doesn’t push in front of other children on a regular basis? What’s wrong with her telling your dd it’s not nice to push in ? You weren’t there and we only have your word you would have dealt with it. She could be doing her and you a huge favour. It’s quite possible she’s getting fed up if you aren’t following up on issues.

It doesn't matter about the "friends" side in this case, the OP isn't comfortable with the friendship anymore so doesn't need to stay friends with this woman

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 12:31

@BobLemon

She supposed to stand there and ignore some kid cutting line? Fuck that.

The OP never actually said that though did she? She said she would have been fine with the woman saying something to her DD, it was how and what she said that was the issue

TheGumption · 16/07/2021 12:34

You don't sound well matched. Cut down on contact but remain cordial. You'll have to tolerate each other for a while if your kids are in the same class.

ChocOrange1 · 16/07/2021 12:36

She could be doing her and you a huge favour. It’s quite possible she’s getting fed up if you aren’t following up on issues.

IF this is true, she's obviously going about it the wrong way as its just pissing off the OP, not changing anything.

Its sort of irrelevant whether OPs child actually is badly behaved or not. OP doesn't like this "friend" and therefore should stop seeing her. She could be the nicest person ever, doesn't mean OP has to spend time with her when she doesn't want to.

ChocOrange1 · 16/07/2021 12:38

@BobLemon

She supposed to stand there and ignore some kid cutting line? Fuck that.

She could say "oh hang on (name), it's someone else's turn first, you wait there a minute please" not telling her she's not nice, nobody will want to play with her and she's a bad friend.

LuxOlente · 16/07/2021 12:43

She's not a friend. She's just bored and finds it amusing to latch on to other mothers and sneer at them to make herself feel better for her own inadequacies.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 16/07/2021 12:45

Good grief...pre-school children push in on the slide, it's kind of a thing. They also don't get off it at the bottom and go into a kind of trance at the top when it is their turn.

A simple "it's X turn, you need to wait" will suffice.

Original poster

Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 12:47

@Berthatydfil

I’m swimming against the tide here but we only have your side here. I have read loads of threads here about people who no longer see friends because of poor parenting of their badly behaved dc. How do we know that your dd doesn’t push in front of other children on a regular basis? What’s wrong with her telling your dd it’s not nice to push in ? You weren’t there and we only have your word you would have dealt with it. She could be doing her and you a huge favour. It’s quite possible she’s getting fed up if you aren’t following up on issues.

My DD isn't 'badly behaved'. Like I said, I would have told her not to push in front. I also said I would be happy for my friend to tell my DD not to push in front. There is no justification for berating 4yo.

OP posts:

EileenGC · 16/07/2021 12:48

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

‘Sorry Sarah, right now I’m busy and can’t take time out of my day to invite you in. If you’d like us to meet another day please message me about it so I can plan my week accordingly. I’m extremely busy all the time and unable to host a play date without prior warning.’

Then close the door and do not let her in again unless you’ve agreed a specific time.

tallduckandhandsome · 16/07/2021 12:50

@Mof3gbg

Problem is I'll be seeing her plenty at school Drop offs. And she's the sort of person to invite herself round and show up without prior warning.

You're not helpless here, OP. Don't open the door if she shows up.

Don't teach your dd mum is a doormat.

Nuffaluff · 16/07/2021 12:50

I’ve put YANBU, but I mean I would be very annoyed too.
Don’t confront her. It’s not worth it. Just avoid.
(Having said that, I’m a bit fiery, so probably would confront her and regret it).

MidnightMonsterMunch · 16/07/2021 12:51

Zero point in confronting her. Just let the “friendship” wither on the vine.

Original poster

Mof3gbg · 16/07/2021 12:51

@eurochick

Did you miss the part of the thread where I said I would have spoken to my DD about cutting in front?

OP posts:

Terrazzo · 16/07/2021 12:53

Ugh it’s only been 6 months and there are at least 3 instances of annoyance, phase it out and move on.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 16/07/2021 12:55

Start swearing as much as humanly possible:

"Oh hi friend, how the fuck are you fucking doing? Shitty weather we're fucking having. What a fucking shame, eh? Oh fucking well. See you at the fucking school play tonight, you fucking fucker"

The problem will resolve itself.

Chocolateandamaretto · 16/07/2021 12:57

Yeah it isn't hard to just say "hold on, it's x's turn first, just wait a sec" is it? I usually find a swift "No thank you" and then body blocking other people's kids works if I really have to! I've never told someone else's kids that no one will want to play with them!

Just stop hanging out. If she shows up tell her you're busy. It might be awkward at school at first but then you will make other friends and move on.

StormcloakNord · 16/07/2021 12:58

Honestly at 6 months just don't bother. Don't see her again and let it fizzle out.

Next time she texts asking if you want a play date just say "No thanks".

People are usually too stunned to bother asking why

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