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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bridesmaid hates her dress?

496 replies

JackieBrown63 · 16/07/2021 09:43

Hi Mumsnetters! My fiance and I are getting married in less than a month and we are super excited for the big day. However, my Maid of Honor keeps pushing me to change her bridesmaid dress by cutting it up to make it short or changing the straps. I honestly did my best to work with them both and thought we came up with a dress that was a nice compromise between both their styles (I only have 2 bridesmaids). I've told my MOH that I am happy to make small alterations to make the dress more flattering if that makes her happy but don't want to change the style of the dress as I'd really like them both to match (if I have 6 bridesmaids it would be fine to have them all in a different style but think it would look odd as I only have 2). She keeps pushing the issue and I don't want to be difficult but don't see the point of them wearing "bridesmaid dresses" at all if they don't match. This is just a small issue compared to everything else but it's the day before my hen do and I just want to relax and enjoy it but right now I'm feeling teary and not much up for a laugh! Any advice would be appreciated :) x

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 12:15

@PurpleFlower1983

I would let her alter the dress as I feel that friendships are more important than photos.
It's a shame bridesmaid doesn't feel the same.
Dddccc · 16/07/2021 12:16

She agreed to the dress and now wants to change it you paid for it if it was me she would no longer be moh she is basically trying to make it all about her and stress you out just message her back and so you do not want any changes made to the dress other then straps and if she does she will no longer be moh and she paid for it to be done too

3Britnee · 16/07/2021 12:17

@PurpleFlower1983

I would let her alter the dress as I feel that friendships are more important than photos.
But the moh isn't being a good friend to op Confused
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/07/2021 12:18

It’s really horrible that she’s doing this the day before your hen do. I imagine you fear this is coming to a head tomorrow and it sounds as though you’ve offered enough compromises and she’s still not happy.

I think you should consider if the correct course is to take back control. This is your wedding. You will feel empowered.

The most gentle approach would be to tell her you love her but she’s not comfortable so it’s probably best if she wears the dress she’s comfortable in and step back from the MOH role. Remind her she had the dresses for her bms she wanted. It’s your turn now.

Taking the dress back will remove all the angst. Have one bridesmaid or get it fitted to another friend if you can find someone willing and able to make the alterations. Ask for the shoes back too. Perhaps you can swap / get a refund on them. And if you only have one bm, you can sell the dress.

Do you think doing this today will spark her to bitch about you to the others and try to sabotage your hen do? If you do, this is no friend. Do be prepared for this to potentially happen and be ready to rescind her invite to the wedding.

TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 12:18

Bridesmaids should have input into their dresses, but once they've agreed, the decision made and the dress paid for etc then that's it. The time to say she didn't like it was before it was bought.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 12:19

[quote Justilou1]@JackieBrown63Do you think that she might just want it to be different from HER wedding day? It might just be too similar.[/quote]
The time to say it would be when they were designed!
That’s the overarching reason.
No matter what the BM thinks or feels about the dress she has been given ample opportunity to say it.
She cannot complain at the 11th hour.

Ghosttile · 16/07/2021 12:27

If she’ll pay for it, would she wear something like this but in yellow?

www.asos.com/maya-tall/maya-tall-bridesmaid-bardot-maxi-tulle-dress-with-tonal-delicate-sequins-in-taupe-blush/prd/13872308?colourwayid=16573015&SearchQuery=maya+bridesmaid+dress

So the tops of her arms are covered?

As she had lots of input in the dress and she’s unhappy with it I’d be worried that she’ll have it altered and still be unhappy.

Unsure33 · 16/07/2021 12:28

I think she is being very unreasonable - and it sounds like she just wants to show more flesh . But as she has already gone against your wishes to be honest i would ignore it

enjoy your day - it sounds to me like she is the one who is going to look stupid .

So in your head - think - this too will pass - let it go
if she speaks about it just change the subject .
There is not much you can do about it now so just smile through gritted teeth and dont let her ruin your day

you can deal with the " friendship" later

Original poster
JackieBrown63 · 16/07/2021 12:35

Ghosttile - no she'd hate that - she wants more flesh on show rather than less. She wants a short, poofy thing with spaghetti straps and lots of glitter and a big bow in her hair but that's not my personal taste at all :S

I'm dreading my hen do tomorrow now because I'm meant to be spending most of the day with her and then meeting others afterwards. I honestly don't even want to go.

OP posts:
VerticalHorizon · 16/07/2021 12:36

At the end of the day, it's a celebration, not a 'show'. Nobody will truly care about all the refinery, or dresses etc. Of course, it's YOUR big day, and you want everything to feel 'right', but ultimately, you're looking forward to a new life... and you have your loved ones around to celebrate that with you. The rest really doesn't matter.

Have a fantastic day!

LakeShoreD · 16/07/2021 12:38

They are strapless dresses with a mesh top and a bit of sparkle
Last time I was a bridesmaid we had dresses like this, chosen by the bride’s cousin who was the maid of honour. Honestly I hated it and thought it was completely hideous but of course I said nothing and wore it all night because that’s what you do for your friends. After a few drinks I honestly forgot what I was wearing, had a great time and then I just left it in the bin in the hotel room the following morning.

Honeyroar · 16/07/2021 12:39

I think she’s being pretty unfair to do this so close to the wedding. She’s going to turn a nice dress into some sort of ballerina dress! I’d tell her you’re not happy with what she’s proposing to do to the dress. I’d tell her you can get some sort of bolero jacket or shoulder wrap made if she’s not happy showing her arms, but tell her you’re not prepared to take the risk of her ruining the dress at this late stage. I’d ask her if her bridesmaids wanted to alter the dresses she wanted at her wedding.

Had she actually tried the dress on when she agreed to wearing it? That’s the only excuse I’d give her for her drama.

I had this a little with my bridesmaids. My wedding got cancelled 10 weeks before due to the groom cheating (whole other story!!). When I later married my husband I deliberately didn’t have bridesmaids to avoid the stress!

Cartooner · 16/07/2021 12:39

@Iwonder08

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Let her wear what she wants, you will be a centre of attention anyway. She is your friend, don't you care that she feel uncomfortable and won't enjoy herself?
There has to be a cut off on people pleasing before events like this, MOH agreed to the dress and probably knows full well what they cost, she is now returning to the decision four weeks before the event, suggesting the bride get the dress cut up?! Maybe it's just me but I think this is really rude.
Ghosttile · 16/07/2021 12:39

A bow? Really?

Have you thought about finding a new friend? Are you really attached to this one? Grin

Lweji · 16/07/2021 12:40

Have you talked to her about how you think she would look better than on how you want her to look?

Cartooner · 16/07/2021 12:41

@LakeShoreD

They are strapless dresses with a mesh top and a bit of sparkle Last time I was a bridesmaid we had dresses like this, chosen by the bride’s cousin who was the maid of honour. Honestly I hated it and thought it was completely hideous but of course I said nothing and wore it all night because that’s what you do for your friends. After a few drinks I honestly forgot what I was wearing, had a great time and then I just left it in the bin in the hotel room the following morning.
Yes isn't it part of being a bridesmaid, yes you expect to input and agree but you are also not the person buying. I've been the bridesmaid in a dress I'd never have chosen but we looked great together as a trio and the bride was so happy, end of!
TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 12:42

I’m picturing Gemma Collins.

Flossatops · 16/07/2021 12:42

Alter the dress. You honestly won't care one bit on the big day. More importantly, enjoy your hen-do!

VodkaSlimline · 16/07/2021 12:43

If you've paid for the dress she can suck it up or step down as MoH. The ONLY concession I would maybe offer is to pay for it to be altered like she wants AFTER the wedding so she can wear it for other things.

mintyneb · 16/07/2021 12:43

I was a bridesmaid when my brother married. SIL chose a dress for me that wasn't something I would have chosen but I didn't say a word. It was her day not mine, I would nt be looking the a wedding photo album so did it really matter what I looked like? SIL was happy and surely that's all that counts?

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 16/07/2021 12:44

I can kind of see where she's coming from - I have muscly arms and shoulders and I very rarely wear a top style like that because it makes me look like a Ukrainian shotputter blocky.

That said, the time for that conversation was at the time the dress style were chosen. And I can't see why she wants it shortened if she was concerned about "feeling wide" - short dresses make me look like a Weeble!

I'd consider allowing her to narrow the shoulder panel so there's not so much of a line at the natural joint of her arm, but not a change to strapless or shorter. Maybe some sort of sheer bolero would allow her to cover up her arms as a compromise position? But only you can decide how much you want a particular look (a friend was adamant on this front and one of her poor bridesmaids ended up in a dress that made her look awful - goodness knows why she agreed to it) or how much of this is your friend being a PITA rather than having a genuine concern and worry about how she's going to look in front of everyone/in photographs.

tallduckandhandsome · 16/07/2021 12:45

I would giver her two choices:

  • pay for her own dress in the same colour and style
  • bow out of being MoH
QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 12:46

@FreeBritnee

God she sounds like a PITA. If she were a good friend she’d put in the dress and do her job as MOH. it’s not about her.

this 🌸

QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 12:47

@tallduckandhandsome

I would giver her two choices:
  • pay for her own dress in the same colour and style
  • bow out of being MoH

totally agree 🌸

Journeynotdestination · 16/07/2021 12:48

She’s turning an occasion dress into a sun dress in my opinion. If she won’t wear it just for the ceremony & photos then able to take it off she’s being ridiculous.

However, for the sake of stress levels I’d let her crack on. She’ll probably look stupid on the day to be honest.