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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you 100% believe your partner has never cheated?

535 replies

zaraaraz · 15/07/2021 22:57

I think cheating is very common. I was with someone I loved, would have done anything for and he left me and was declaring his love for someone else the next day. Obviously he was seeing her behind my back. My boyfriend before him was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated.

My sister met her husband when they were both with other people. My fathers first wife cheated on him.

I’ve seen a particular colleague cheat twice on his girlfriend.

It’s just very common in my opinion. I’m currently single but whosever I date next then I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out if they were a cheater.

OP posts:
WeHaveComeSoFar · 17/07/2021 20:08

@MoiraRose4

Unfortunately I think most people here are really naive. I’ve been there, with someone who would ‘never’ cheat because they’d had it done to them and it had broken them. Guess what? 🙄
That’s your opinion
BasedInDublin · 17/07/2021 20:11

I don't think mine has, but I'll never be sure. I'd imagine it is the same for my DH.

I've never cheated on DH, but could easily have done so at different times. I'm fairly certain he'd never have known.

Kanaloa · 17/07/2021 20:12

Mine hasn’t. We’ve never got the bloody time to have affairs.

TrulyOutrageousJem · 17/07/2021 20:15

I worked in construction and it totally changed my view on men, forever. Even the most loving partner where I knew their wife and I could see how in love they were still cheated.

I’m not saying everybody cheats but A LOT do and never get caught.

catsjammies · 17/07/2021 20:19

My DH wouldn't. I can say that flat out. I know he works with a lot of men who have cheated (the partners are notorious), but I would be very surprised if any of our friendship group was.

lynsey91 · 17/07/2021 20:44

@MoiraRose4

Unfortunately I think most people here are really naive. I’ve been there, with someone who would ‘never’ cheat because they’d had it done to them and it had broken them. Guess what? 🙄
I am not naive thank you. I just know DH really really really really well and know he would not cheat.

Sorry to hear you were cheated on but anyone with morals doesn't cheat

Ohhyeahright · 17/07/2021 21:03

It’s the naïveté that upsets me. I know no one ever wants anyone’s pity but I can’t help it. I just feel so, so sorry for those who are ‘100% sure’ when some of you will absolutely have had your blind faith and trust betrayed.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/07/2021 21:07

That’s what faith is, an immutable belief rooted in hope and not subjected to scrutiny

LemonRoses · 17/07/2021 21:08

@Ohhyeahright

It’s the naïveté that upsets me. I know no one ever wants anyone’s pity but I can’t help it. I just feel so, so sorry for those who are ‘100% sure’ when some of you will absolutely have had your blind faith and trust betrayed.
And it’s the truly sad cynicism that upsets me. I truly pity anyone who hasn’t experienced total trust in another person, their partner. It’s almost encouraging them to wander having such a doubting attitude and definitely not how to build a lifelong marriage.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/07/2021 21:11

@Ohhyeahright

It’s the naïveté that upsets me. I know no one ever wants anyone’s pity but I can’t help it. I just feel so, so sorry for those who are ‘100% sure’ when some of you will absolutely have had your blind faith and trust betrayed.
Well that's quite patronising
AbsolutelySure · 17/07/2021 21:12

Once upon a time I was 100% adamant, absolutely no way on this earth that my then DH would cheat. He did.

tenredthings · 17/07/2021 21:14

So long as I never find out it's ok !

cupcakecourageous · 17/07/2021 23:29

Not everyone has cheated (or will cheat) but EVERYONE is capable. Those people saying their partner never ever would are not realistic and in denial, we all need to stay on our toes, and keep investing in our relationships.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/07/2021 01:43

I think some wives are in denial....law of averages and all that. I personally know quite a few cheaters and their wives are clueless.

Nevertheless I think its incredibly ignorant to assume all men are the same and that those wives that trust their husbands are all deluded. How arrogant to think you know a complete stranger better than their spouse Hmm

Sadiecow · 18/07/2021 06:15

@Ohhyeahright

It’s the naïveté that upsets me. I know no one ever wants anyone’s pity but I can’t help it. I just feel so, so sorry for those who are ‘100% sure’ when some of you will absolutely have had your blind faith and trust betrayed.
I'm not naive at all, you're very patronising though.
PermanentTemporary · 18/07/2021 07:24

I believe the 100% ers. I think a lot of people will never cheat no matter what, and there's another huge chunk who might in certain circumstances but the circumstances never happen. Life is long though, and a person who doesn't cheat for 25 years might do so next year if things change. I haven't ever cheated in a relationship, but I've had several relationships. I know I have it in me to cheat, and to accommodate additional partners in others.

For two years after my dh died (not immediately afterwards...) I was on hookup sites and some dating sites. I had a sex drive beyond anything I've ever experienced before, pathological probably; i literally couldn't think about much else. Apparently it's not uncommon in some form after bereavement which comforts me slightly. Anyway, I met men for sex in hotels, and I didn't give a shit about their personal lives. They weren't all married. Probably.

I doubt very much that any of the partners of the married ones were 100 per centers. That's the kind of scenario that serial cheaters get involved with, and they all had flexible enough jobs that there was wiggle room (as it were). There were also a lot of serial sex chatters on the sites who would never meet up and probably considered themselves not to be cheating, and perhaps their partners wouldn't have thought so either.

I look back and I'm pretty certain my dad cheated; my mother would never have cheated herself but has now been seeing a married man for nearly 30 years; and yet I know my brother will never cheat and I know plenty of people who never have or will.

lynsey91 · 18/07/2021 09:04

@cupcakecourageous

Not everyone has cheated (or will cheat) but EVERYONE is capable. Those people saying their partner never ever would are not realistic and in denial, we all need to stay on our toes, and keep investing in our relationships.
Well of course everyone is capable of cheating. Everyone is capable of shoplifting, burglary, driving at 120 miles an hour but don't.
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 18/07/2021 10:44

Having had affairs with so many men who absolutely adored their wives, I don't do the 100% certainty thing. But, I do believe that there are men and women out there who don't and wouldn't. But as they say a virtue never tested is no virtue at all.

I have not cheated on my current partner of 3 years and really don't think I would. But I've never been monogamous before and I'm nearly 50 so either it's too late for me, or I'm old enough to be an 'invisible man woman' therefore less likely to.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 18/07/2021 10:45

Man woman? Interesting. I'm not one honest!

lazylinguist · 18/07/2021 12:33

Those people saying their partner never ever would are not realistic and in denial, we all need to stay on our toes

I've still not seen an explanation of how it actually benefits you to 'stay on your toes' or to think your partner might cheat. I'm pretty sure it would be horrible if they did, whether you'd anticipated it or not. At least the 100 percenters will have enjoyed the peace of mind while it lasted!

Imapotato · 18/07/2021 12:45

I don’t think he has, but there was a time around 10 or 11 years ago when he might have.

BreakOnThrough · 18/07/2021 12:46

I'm sure mine has not, but I can't know that for certain. There are no hints, suggestions, behaviour I've ever seen.

I've also never cheated on DH. I did in the past with shorter term BFs when much younger. I've also had several opportunities since getting married but have never done it. I expect it is the same for DH. We'd both have lots of opportunities with work, lots of travel, etc. I could certainly hide something like that if I wanted. So could he.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 13:50

one can never know 100%. I know there are pages of emphatic he’d never cheat. No one ever really knows the heart or mind of anyone else completely, nor should one expect to. It’s certainly not about toes, or keeping on toes. If my dp cheats that’s wholly his responsibility, I cannot be expected to be in an anticipatory state in case he cheats. Nor should women be expected to be constantly attentive and feting to their man or he’ll cheat. My toes, will not be kept upon

LemonRoses · 18/07/2021 15:38

The question was not whether you know but whether you believe. The two are entirely different.

I don't need 'to know' by checking up on him, looking at his phone or searching his pockets because I trust him entirely. He as never breached my trust

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 16:06

multiple posters are emphatic they know their partner would not cheat. That is not knowing, that’s simply hope and expectation based on current and past behaviour. No one truly knows what an individual is doing or may do. Yes we look for cues,repetition,habituation and expect behaviour to follow that pattern. But people can and do act out of character, undertake behaviours one would not have expected. So I genuinely believe no one can say I know my dp won’t cheat.

Belief is a wholly subjective state unique to that person. The markers and checks and balances are internal and subjective.We all know people who believe things despite evidence and anecdotes to the contrary. The parent who swears their kid is well behaved. Presented with evidence to contrary of poor behaviour they’ll construct a rationale and belief system that maintains their view. Great kid,just misunderstood, misreported, blah blah. I’ve seen same rationale applied to partners they’re just friendly, bit flirty, it’s misrepresented, no they’d never cheat