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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you 100% believe your partner has never cheated?

535 replies

zaraaraz · 15/07/2021 22:57

I think cheating is very common. I was with someone I loved, would have done anything for and he left me and was declaring his love for someone else the next day. Obviously he was seeing her behind my back. My boyfriend before him was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated.

My sister met her husband when they were both with other people. My fathers first wife cheated on him.

I’ve seen a particular colleague cheat twice on his girlfriend.

It’s just very common in my opinion. I’m currently single but whosever I date next then I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out if they were a cheater.

OP posts:
Ohanaa · 16/07/2021 14:09

I think it’s very common but as it stands I don’t think my OH has cheated on me. He may one day... who knows.

I believe my parents have never cheated on each other either. Been together over 30 years.

I know lots of people that have cheated though.

Lillygolightly · 16/07/2021 14:36

I could never be so naive to think it of anyone, I hate to say it as it sounds so cynical that anyone/everyone could cheat, but I genuinely think anyone could cheat regardless of how loyal or socially awkward, introverted or whatever the reasons to think they wouldn’t cheat are.

I don’t go around being all suspicious and it’s not like I don’t extend trust because I do, but I do it with the no reason not to until proven otherwise mentality.

MissChanandlerBong22 · 16/07/2021 14:38

I’m very sure he’s never cheated. I’m not going to say 100% because there are very few things in life I’m 100% sure of. But frankly I think he’s too lazy to cheat.

Am I 100% sure he’d NEVER cheat? No. About 99% confident. But people change and circumstances change.

For what it’s worth I used to think my dad would never cheat and now I know he’s the most prolific cheater in the world - dating sites, prostitutes, the lot.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2021 14:49

@Lillygolightly

I could never be so naive to think it of anyone, I hate to say it as it sounds so cynical that anyone/everyone could cheat, but I genuinely think anyone could cheat regardless of how loyal or socially awkward, introverted or whatever the reasons to think they wouldn’t cheat are.

I don’t go around being all suspicious and it’s not like I don’t extend trust because I do, but I do it with the no reason not to until proven otherwise mentality.

Yeah, I found out recently my neighbour had been having an affair for months, literally the last guy you'd ever think would, he's a lazy, unmotivated, boring man, not attractive and never goes out, has always hated socialising
Bridgespot · 16/07/2021 15:54

I'm sure he probably has. I also know that he and I were running pretty intense EAs simultaneously. Mine never became physical, I don't know if his did. I know they are still in touch, but it is very sporadic (one message every six months; living in different countries), I have no contact now with my EA partner. I don't know what to say; I learned to separate my own self-esteem from fidelity very quickly. I guess we have an open relationship in a closed setting. To the poster who claimed that "anyone with integrity or honesty would never cheat": alas, both our careers are pretty much dependant on our integrity and honesty. But you can divide your professional ethics from your personal ones.

I agree with all pp's about what might lead you to this place: for me, it was all about attention. Someone actually bothering to remember something I'd said to them the day before. Someone actually curious about me, what made me tick. Again, I get it, the MNers will be saying, why do you actually stay with someone who isn't curious about you, who doesn't care about what makes you tick? I realise, it's in fact quite shocking the degree to which he literally has never given a fuck about me, my past, my interests, my life. And yet: on one level, we understand each other, we get along day-to-day well, we are united in dealing with the challenges presented by one of our children.

My EA was because I'd found someone who understood, listened, remembered, cared. His EA was because he'd found someone who was from his world, and so understood his references, his concerns, his past, in a way I just cannot bring myself to care about. We're reaping the whirlwind of having sowed a past where it was okay that we came from totally different backgrounds, had a huge age gap, etc. etc.

In other words, if we were prepared to accept this very odd coupling, we had to be prepared that it would lead to efforts to seek understanding elsewhere, when our own flexibility failed us.

JammyGem · 16/07/2021 16:00

I don't believe DH has cheated on me yet. But I know (and he admits) that he has cheated in pretty much every one of his past relationships.

I'm under no illusions that if he thought he could get away with it without losing me and DD he'd do it again.

speakout · 16/07/2021 16:00

No because I have super acute spidey sense.
I can work out if OH is lying about trivial things, no way would he be able to keep an affair secret.

emeraldcity2000 · 16/07/2021 16:10

I'm 100pc sure. I'm also 100pc sure I haven't and never would. I couldn't hurt another person that way and I also believe that of dh.
I hope I'm never proved wrong...

Thirtyrock39 · 16/07/2021 16:16

I don't think you can ever totally trust anyone
I don't think dh has slept with anyone else but as a realist I'm sure he has had his head turned at times and may have acted on this.
I love him and am happily married but have been attracted to other people while we were married
I think 100% monogamy in terms of 'I only have eyes for you' is completely unrealistic

BackforGood · 16/07/2021 16:17

Thank you @TomPinch for ferreting around for some research.

Rather blows your comments about those of us who have confidence in our dps out the park OP.

grey12 · 16/07/2021 16:17

100%. He's as disgusted as me with that kind of thing. Also, he's quite religious.

I'm not going to say it's utterly impossible, but like PP I would be truly astonished

lastqueenofscotland · 16/07/2021 16:27

My DP has a very busy life and we work in the same industry with a lot of crossover of people we work with.
For him to cheat an awful lot, if not all of his friends and colleagues and family would need to be in on it.

leiaskye · 16/07/2021 17:00

100% certain he hasn’t cheated on me.

He cheated on his previous girlfriend (with me), & I cheated on my boyfriend (with him), but neither of us have cheated on each other.

That I am 100% sure of.

25 years together & counting.

StoneofDestiny · 16/07/2021 18:02

100% certain he has not.

Polmuggle · 16/07/2021 18:35

@BackforGood

Thank you *@TomPinch* for ferreting around for some research.

Rather blows your comments about those of us who have confidence in our dps out the park OP.

Except that research isn't the full picture. Almost 60% of men and women in committed relationships have cheated. www.globalinvestigations.co.uk/news/infidelity-statistics-uk-infographic/
Dollygirl2008 · 16/07/2021 18:39

Yes - 100% and would have happily bet everything I own on it.

Until he did. I will never, ever trust a man again which is a shame

Dollygirl2008 · 16/07/2021 18:40

Oh - and that was 26 years...

Comedycook · 16/07/2021 18:41

I wonder how many of those on here saying they know 100% that their dh has never and will never cheat have actually already been cheated on or will be in the future?

Maddiemademe · 16/07/2021 18:42

I would be daft to trust anyone I am with 100%. As much as I think I know them I am not them and may not react the same way as them. The only person I trust is myself

rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 18:46

My DH has never given me reason to believe he has cheated and I certainly won't live my life waiting to "catch him out" life's too short.

He very well may have done, but I would be very surprised, but then again aren't most women.

gwenneh · 16/07/2021 18:49

Except that research isn't the full picture. Almost 60% of men and women in committed relationships have cheated.

I probably wouldn't use an infographic from a private investigator's firm as a source, especially since their interpretation of the sources they've listed are clearly more than a little flawed -- all you have to do is look at the sources they've claimed to use.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/07/2021 18:53

I am 100% sure Dh has never cheated.

KeflavikAirport · 16/07/2021 19:11

I think there is a big overlap in the Venn diagram of "he would never do that, he doesn't have it in him" and "knight in shining armour who leaves his wife for the OW out of the blue after 25 years" type men.

U2HasTheEdge · 16/07/2021 19:32

I am 99.999% certain he has never cheated on me. His options have been limited due to his illness and I have had no reason to suspect he has.

I will never say that I am 100% certain that he won't ever cheat on me. That is just naive. I don't think he will and certainly hope he won't, but who knows what could happen months and years from now.

I cheated in the past (not on my current husband) and I was very anti-cheating, stating I would never do it as I grew up living with the damage of it myself. I never ever thought I was capable of it, until I did. I won't go into what led to it, but I was disgusted by the thought of cheating before and no one would have expected I could do it, including myself.

TomPinch · 16/07/2021 19:32

@gwenneh

Except that research isn't the full picture. Almost 60% of men and women in committed relationships have cheated.

I probably wouldn't use an infographic from a private investigator's firm as a source, especially since their interpretation of the sources they've listed are clearly more than a little flawed -- all you have to do is look at the sources they've claimed to use.

It's the same research. The PI firm has just spun it a little.

It's true that the stats are higher for people in relationships other than marriage, however, "relationship" could mean almost anything from a couple who have been together for decades to one who met last week. I'd suspect that the stats for people in LTR would be similar to those for married people.