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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel guilty about this

141 replies

Yftg8 · 15/07/2021 21:28

I changed jobs a few months back. I'm now moving departments within the same job. All good so far. However because of a disability I have my other two colleagues will have to move out of their office into a shared part of the main office. This is a decision made from above in order to support me in my role. But I feel guilty as they've both been there longer. One of them is ok with it but the other colleague has not spoken to me since the decision was made. I'm a real worrier anyway but I feel guilty. Don't want to go into too many details and have name changed.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/07/2021 12:34

I've just told HR I'll lump it and not move. I feel like I'll be gossiped and whinged about now. I've sent her another message apologising but nothing at all back.

I don't think you need to have apologised and i don't think you should move. The point of reasonable adjustments is so that you can do the job your employer is paying you to do to the best of your ability. If you go to the shared office can you still say that is true?

Also as for pp calling you the junior colleague - the impression i got is you're on the same level? Just because someone has been at a company less time doesn't mean they are junior. That's a weird idea.

Original poster
Yftg8 · 16/07/2021 12:35

I agree updown. Probably not helped myself but that's what someone with low self esteem like me does!!

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/07/2021 12:36

I’m a fairly territorial old bird myself but I can’t think for one second that I’d be unreasonable about someone with a hearing impairment needing what was an office I worked in more than me….

It’s not like she’s having her own office she’s worked hard for and been promoted into taken off her,

let’s face it those in a shared room or any office area COULD Be shuffled about if the management decides that the office layout needs to change!

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 12:36

Totally get why you just wanted to stop the situation escalating OP. It's hard enough having a disability without having to fight for everything too.

Brefugee · 16/07/2021 12:37

OP go back to HR and tell them what you have told us. And get them to handle the bullying against you. Are you in a union? Can they help?

VodkaSlimline · 16/07/2021 12:38

This is tricky. It sounds like a) you have an "invisible" disability and b) management has not communicated/explained this very well. I can't imagine anyone would make a fuss about moving desks to make space for a wheelchair user, but many people who are not well educated in these matters would either openly or privately be unhappy/cynical about giving up their office for someone who (for example) has an ASD and needs a quiet environment - particularly if that hasn't been properly explained due to wanting to protect your privacy.

I think you may need to think about what is more/most important to you out of:

  • having the setup you need to perform well at work
  • being liked and accepted by colleagues, esp. those who are directly affected
  • maintaining privacy around your condition

... because unfair though it is, I don't think you can have more than two out of three in this particular workplace. Maybe talk it through with your HR person if they are any good? Or else talk it through with someone else and then go to HR with your decision.

Original poster
Yftg8 · 16/07/2021 12:42

It's all upsetting me now . I won't see colleagues until Monday. It'll be on my mind. Thanks for the supportive comments. I think because the past few months I've just got on with it, colleague may be wondering why I need a change of circumstances. To be honest I was well within my right to ask for the change during the pandemic but because of Covid and social distancing I didn't want to cause more upheaval. I'm guultt d my colleague hasn't bothered replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yftg8 · 16/07/2021 12:43

Where has zing's comment gone?!

OP posts:
MerryDecembermas · 16/07/2021 12:46

I think there's been a misunderstanding on your part OP.

Anyone can complain to HR, about anything.

It doesn't make any difference to the decision made to make reasonable adjustments for you. They don't have a leg to stand on.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2021 12:47

Let HR know that your colleague has reacted badly and you feel uncomfortable. Request occupational health assess the situation if you are struggling in the open area. If it becomes part of the OH process then you can hid behind that. However, your colleague is way way out of line if they are trying to block a reasonable adjustment.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2021 12:47

hide not hid

ivfgottwins · 16/07/2021 12:48

When you requested reasonably adjustments what did you have in mind then?

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 12:48

Don't worry about your colleague not replying unless it becomes a pattern of behaviour. They might have been advised by HR not to say anymore about it and let them sort it out.

It says Zings comment was deleted

QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 12:52

Im so sorry to read this OP... your colleague is behaving atrociously ... and I agree with everyone here saying you need to let HR know about they're cutting you off.. 🌸

Needapoodle · 16/07/2021 13:31

Where has zing's comment gone?!

I reported it because it was disgusting disablisim. Thankfully, mnhq apparently agree and have removed it. It's really not ok to suggest that someone who is being bullied because of their disability and the adjustment they need at work is being a martyr.

Disablism is way too common on here.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/07/2021 13:43

@Needapoodle

that's not what I said.

I said that after being given the space OP told HR to not bother and to me that action of "ok I won't have it then" comes across as being a martyr, which is behaviour I don't understand under the circumstances.

I think OP should've stuck to her guns because she needs that space so who cares if someone else reported her?
it wasn't her decision in the first place so there's no need to back out now - if she did that wouldn't come across well because people might question if she needed it in the first place. that wouldn't be helpful.

I guess I phrased it badly but I was trying to be supportive of OP.
no need to jump down my throat just because you misunderstood what I meant.

have this deleted too if you still can't see what I mean

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/07/2021 13:46

and no OP

you shouldn't feel guilty

Needapoodle · 16/07/2021 13:54

Your longer version is fine. However i haven't got time to guess at what people might have meant when they write something aggressive and dismissive towards a disabled person. I report all disablisim i see and let mnhq decide.

3Britnee · 16/07/2021 14:15

@Yftg8

So Brit I have a hearing issue which has deteriorated.
I wouldn't back down then.
Pebbledashery · 16/07/2021 14:46

Hi Op, I don't think you have helped yourself by backing down, I can see it's not in your natural personality to be argumentative or confrontational, however I will reiterate, senior managers made this decision in order to assist you. Your colleagues will have to learn to deal with it. You have to have a bit more gumption to believe that you deserve to work in an environment that you are comfortable with, your disability is not your fault and your workplace are willing to make whatever adaptations to make you feel better.. I know it's hard, but I feel there is an element of self-pity in your posts perhaps due to your low self esteem.. you have a disability, you didn't ask for it, but you will do all that you can to manage it and make the best of every given situation. Your work place are willing to support that and you've just gone two steps backwards by giving up. Do you not think you are worthy of being treated fairly and that you deserve a comfortable working environment?

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 14:59

Why did your colleagues have their own office - was it because there was space or were they of a specific rank?
While you deserve an office as a disability adjustment it’s also unfair for your colleagues to be deprived of one while everyone else in their role has an office.
It’s not your fault. You should’ve kept that office as management made the decision - and it is THEY who have handled it badly by making your colleagues work in the main space with everyone else.

CastawayQueen · 16/07/2021 15:00

Just read update - why does a hearing issue mean you need an entire office? Would noise cancelling headphones etc not work?

Also what’s wrong with all three of you sharing an office?

I don’t think management has handled it well

QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 15:27

@CastawayQueen

Just read update - why does a hearing issue mean you need an entire office? Would noise cancelling headphones etc not work?

Also what’s wrong with all three of you sharing an office?

I don’t think management has handled it well

perhaps a Call Centre type environment 🌸

Original poster
Yftg8 · 16/07/2021 15:37

Noise cancelling earphones have not helped. I don't need an entire office. Just a space with carpet and a door to shut.

I'm not full of self pity at all. Just fed up.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 16/07/2021 16:11

Sorryy@Yftg8 I think you're getting some rather hostile answers here. I presumed you had a hearing disability so a small enclosed space would help you, my hearings fine but it can still be hard to pick out one voice in a noisy room.
I don't think you should have given up the office, you have a genuine need and it's unkind of your co worker to make a fuss to HR. Sadly some people are very set in their ways, they probably felt a cut above having an office and don't want to give it up but that's tough, it's company property not theirs.
Stop being a push over, tell HR you do want the space and if your co worker doesn't like it, tough bicciesGrin