To not understand why SOME women wait around for a man to propose to them

[Flipfloppingaround]

It comes up time and time again on MN.
Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man.

Surely, once you've been dating long enough to know he's The One, the pair of you have conversations about your future and whether you want to get married or not and you proceed from there, rather than waiting for him to get down on one knee and whip out a ring?

YANBU

I find it totally bizarre that someone would decide they want to marry a person and then wait around for that other person to read their mind and ask them.

YANBU

And it's even more bizarre when they've already got kids and a house etc.

It's just pie in the sky romance which would be fine, if it wasn't such an important issue by that stage.

I think a lot of the women that post that scenario on here know deep down that he doesn’t want to marry (them), so they don’t want to have that conversation.

It’s like if they keep pretending that they’re waiting for the dreamy proposal, they can keep pretending that it might happen at some point, rather than having the conversation and facing the reality that it won’t, and what that really means for them.

Social convention. It isn’t traditional or “the done thing.” Plus women are socially conditioned to believe that men should always do the asking, whether it’s the first date or the marriage proposal, otherwise he just isn’t interested enough.

It might sound silly, but conditioning and tradition is difficult to break away from, even if you’re otherwise thoroughly modern.

It's traditional and some people prefer to go the traditional route. It's really not that big a mystery.

YANBU. Especially if they’ve had any other major life events occur which will necessitated a conversation. If you can agree the budget, see a mortgage advisor, agree on a property to rent, ttc and have a child, have a contraceptive fuck up and go ahead with the pregnancy anyway etc etc.

It’s baffling so many women don’t see marriage in the same way and think if they’re just good enough for long enough, undemanding, patient and self effacing he’ll one day do her the honour of popping the question.

You get one life. Take hold of it with both hands. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking marriage is something one person bestows on the other.

Because patriarchy is still insidious and toxic

well, if a man can't even be bothered to make the effort to propose, there's not much hope for the rest of the relationship is it?

Forcing the hand of someone is not really the way to start a marriage.

I wouldn't recommend getting married. It's a pain in the arse from start to finish.

*possibly slightly bitter divorcee

d think if they’re just good enough for long enough, undemanding, patient and self effacing he’ll one day do her the honour of popping the question.

wow, there's A LOT Of projection here

@onlyhereforthecake

well, if a man can't even be bothered to make the effort to propose, there's not much hope for the rest of the relationship is it?

Forcing the hand of someone is not really the way to start a marriage.

Proposing isn't forcing someone. Same could be said for the women. If they can't even make the effort to propose...

It's 21st century, we should leave these rules behind us. Whoever wants it should ask. And bills on dates should be expected to be split. 😁

@onlyhereforthecake

well, if a man can't even be bothered to make the effort to propose, there's not much hope for the rest of the relationship is it?

Forcing the hand of someone is not really the way to start a marriage.

I've never been proposed to and been married twenty five years. Not sure what making an effort has to do with it tbh. We just had a conversation and decided.

It's because they are "so traditional" apart from the living together and the 3 kids out of wedlock.

Or maybe scared he'll say no.

Disney Princess movies

@ComtesseDeSpair

Social convention. It isn’t traditional or “the done thing.” Plus women are socially conditioned to believe that men should always do the asking, whether it’s the first date or the marriage proposal, otherwise he just isn’t interested enough.

It might sound silly, but conditioning and tradition is difficult to break away from, even if you’re otherwise thoroughly modern.

Nah I'm not buying that.

So many MNetters say their DP's claim they're waiting for the right moment to propose (AKA known as putting it off) because they're traditional men.

Well if they were that traditional they wouldn't be living together with a couple of kids already.

More women should take charge of their lives. It feels great!

(Mandatory disclaimer that I am fully aware there are situations women cannot take charge of their lives, but in general debates there are more situations when we can rather than the opposite.)

That's the social convention constantly drummed into us through film and TV. I agree with PPs though that it should be a conversation and then develops from there.

Much like how often TV couples will be about to get married, or are already married, before discovering that one of them wants kids and the other doesn't.

Who seriously gets to that stage of a relationship without having at least one conversation about kids?

@steff13

It's traditional and some people prefer to go the traditional route. It's really not that big a mystery.

It is a big mystery to me!

Women who've had babies before marriage have clearly dispensed with tradition, so I don't understand why they might be waiting for a proposal that will lead to some legal and financial protection.

@onlyhereforthecake

well, if a man can't even be bothered to make the effort to propose, there's not much hope for the rest of the relationship is it?

Forcing the hand of someone is not really the way to start a marriage.

Why does that only apply to men?

I would never, ever propose. I just wouldn’t put myself in that position. But also I don’t live in the dark ages and wouldn’t sit around waiting for the man to propose. I like to think we’d have a conversation about it.

I have a relative who has been with a man 8 years. 6 year old child. He has 2 DC from a previous marriage as does she from a previous relationship and he practically raises her kids as her own because their dad is useless.

Ever since she had their baby she has been waiting for a proposal and ended up doing it herself 2 years ago. He just wasn’t doing it and their lives were as intertwined as they possibly could be without marriage.

He accepted but then kept putting off the wedding and has recently left her.

More women should take charge of their lives. It feels great!

what makes you think they don't?

Bit meh to have to propose to the man, what's the fun of that.

*what makes you think they don't?
This website

YANBU. In can't imagine being in a healthy relationship where the couple didn't discuss their future.

My DH proposed to me but we had spoken about our future and our desire to be together and have children with each other, so it was more sumbolic/romantic than anything. We essentially were 'engaged' before that.

I've been with DP 7years and I love him very much. While marriage would be lovely as a celebration of our love it's not the be all and end all. I would be his 2nd marriage. My parents have been married 3times each. His parents have been married 2x each.

It's not sold as the fairytale to me. We each have older kids and don't plan on having our own.

Don't judge, you never know particular reasons.

MN (in general) hates weddings, proposals, engagement parties, hen nights...

MN is pretty grim that way. Thankfully back in the real world, many women (and men) can enjoy the fun side of things without being bridezillas, desperate, weak victims and whatever insult usually pops up.