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Original poster

To not understand why SOME women wait around for a man to propose to them

111 replies

Flipfloppingaround · 15/07/2021 17:32

It comes up time and time again on MN.
Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man.

Surely, once you've been dating long enough to know he's The One, the pair of you have conversations about your future and whether you want to get married or not and you proceed from there, rather than waiting for him to get down on one knee and whip out a ring?

OP posts:
baldafrique · 15/07/2021 18:33

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush
Totally. I'm not bothered about marriage but definitely want to be with my partner for the rest of our lives. He seems to feel the same. It's all good. (I earn 3 x his salary btw so I'm not vulnerable before someone suggests I am!)

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2021 18:33

@DrSbaitso

In my experience, men will be proactive for a woman they want.
This is my experience too.

Although it has to be said a lot of men are proactive when it comes to moving in and having children.

Not so much when it comes to making that woman legally and financially secure.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2021 18:34

@baldafrique

Your partner can still want to spend the rest of their life with you yet not want to be married, surely?
Yes but that isn't what this thread is about.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/07/2021 18:35

@baldafrique

Your partner can still want to spend the rest of their life with you yet not want to be married, surely?
Of course. But it's an issue when one is really upset about it
baldafrique · 15/07/2021 18:36

But many people on here are suggesting that if a man hasnt proposed then he isnt that invested?

WimpoleHat · 15/07/2021 18:38

@steff13

It's traditional and some people prefer to go the traditional route. It's really not that big a mystery.
You see, I can understand this as a point of view (I’m on the traditional side myself). But traditional means marriage before children, surely? Very odd to cast aside tradition but be hidebound by just one small element of it.
GirlAloud · 15/07/2021 18:38

YANBU.

It’s ridiculous. Some of the women who write despairingly on here that they have been waiting for years for a proposal appear to think they are still living in the 1950s. They will never be equal to men because they don’t want to be.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/07/2021 18:39

I agree it should be a conversation rather than a proposal. Many subscribe to the theory of needing one though and needing it to be fancy for social media. Professional photos of engagements seem to be everywhere currently.

PearlNextDoor · 15/07/2021 18:40

Low sense of self worth?
Fear of rocking the boat?
Belief that that prince who wont let them go and wont marry them is somehow a prize, that they cant do better, cant start again....
And that's before you add a child or financial dependence in to the mix

DrSbaitso · 15/07/2021 18:42

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I agree it should be a conversation rather than a proposal. Many subscribe to the theory of needing one though and needing it to be fancy for social media. Professional photos of engagements seem to be everywhere currently.
I've literally never met anyone in real life who wanted a big huge engagement for social media.

It's usually just something that gets made up to attack women who want a proposal.

user27424799642256 · 15/07/2021 18:42

Its just nice to be proposed to though isn't it? Not a big in front of hundreds of people proposal but someone asking you to marry them is nice and exciting, it makes you feel loved

but it's not about "power", it's about HIM having to make the effort. I am worth it

Gosh, it must be awful to be one of these traditional men whom nobody can be bothered to make feel loved. Why shouldn't they get that from their relationships too?

Is the logic that men are emotionless drones without any of these needs or feelings, or that women are so delicate and precious they need men to do more than they would ever do themselves in order to feel loved?

It's pretty flimsy as arguments go.

RiverSkater · 15/07/2021 18:45

They want a romantic proposal story to tell everybody about?

It's been conditioned in women, blame our history, culture. Mills and Boon.

PlanetTeaTime · 15/07/2021 18:45

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

I love your handle

therocinante · 15/07/2021 18:46

@onlyhereforthecake

well, if a man can't even be bothered to make the effort to propose, there's not much hope for the rest of the relationship is it?

Forcing the hand of someone is not really the way to start a marriage.

I dunno, I judged the potential of my future marriage with DH on whether he was caring and kind and loving in our day-to-day life, if he stepped up when I needed it, if we were compatible in outlook and sex drive and politics and humour, whether he was there when the shit hit the fan and how he dealt with it.

Not whether or not he was willing to fake-ask me to marry him in a weird charade when he already knew the answer because we'd discussed marriage like adults.

If you want a proposal, that is fine - I can't say I understand it but it's your decision. But let's not pretend unwillingness to stage 'a proposal' is an indicator of your marriage's chances.

MrsTophamHat · 15/07/2021 18:47

@baldafrique

Your partner can still want to spend the rest of their life with you yet not want to be married, surely?
Maybe but I don't know why you wouldn't.

I completely get why people might not want the fuss of a wedding as such, but a marriage is about more than one day and I would question why someone would not want to take that step, but yet would be happy for me to have his children, buy a house with him.

baldafrique · 15/07/2021 18:48

I guess some people see having children and buying a house together as a bigger commitment, I'm not sure.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2021 18:51

@RiverSkater

They want a romantic proposal story to tell everybody about?

It's been conditioned in women, blame our history, culture. Mills and Boon.

It's been conditioned in women, blame our history, culture. Mills and Boon.

Nah, I'm not buying that either.

It still means women and picking and choosing the parts of history and culture that suit them.

And that's their choice but it very often puts them in a dodgy position if they've chosen children first.

MrsTophamHat · 15/07/2021 18:51

As I saod above though, if both partners do not wish to get married that is fine for them. Presumably it has been discussed and agreed upon quite happily.

The issue is when one person very much does want to get married, but waits around for their partner to do the asking. That does suggest discord

therocinante · 15/07/2021 18:53

And in the context of the OP, my point still stands - I agree. If you've been with someone years and you're waiting around wondering if they're going to propose or not, why? Either you've agreed you would both like to get married (cool, book it then), one or both of you doesn't (either fine, a deal breaker, or one of you compromises) or you haven't had the conversation (in which case why are you expecting a proposal??).

I think people want life to be romantic and fairytale all the time and I completely understand that - life is hard, I understand wanting to be swept off your feet and live the stupid rom-com dream we've been sold. But marriage is a legal contract. You should be talking about it before you decide to do it, not waiting around hoping they'll show a sign of commitment that you've decided is coming. And if you have talked about it and they're prevaricating then it's on you to decide whether you can live with that or not instead of just hoping they'll suddenly become Price Charming and get down on one knee having not previously shown signs of wanting to get married.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/07/2021 18:53

@MrsTophamHat

As I saod above though, if both partners do not wish to get married that is fine for them. Presumably it has been discussed and agreed upon quite happily.

The issue is when one person very much does want to get married, but waits around for their partner to do the asking. That does suggest discord

Exactly. This thread isn't about people who are happy to not marry. This is about women who are upswt and keep waiting while getting more upset. Which is ridiculous. Not wanting to marry? Not ridiculous

Obviously

baldafrique · 15/07/2021 18:53

Yeah that must suck. I think people do need to be super upfront if marriage isnt really their thing (or at least not imply that it might be their thing!) so at least the other person knows what to expect and can decide how much of a deal breaker it is for them.

PattyPan · 15/07/2021 19:21

I’m waiting for my DP to propose to me. We have discussed marriage and know that we want to marry each other. We’ve been together for 5 years. However, we are young and I am a year older than DP - 26 and 25. I am ready and have been working for a couple of years so feel like an adult. Men mature more slowly, he is already younger, and he is still finishing his PhD and establishing his career so doesn’t feel ready/like a proper adult who can get married. He’ll propose when he is ready and he knows I’ll say yes. I don’t see a problem with that tbh. If he takes another 5 years that would be taking the piss a bit but at the moment waiting makes sense.

Zlk02 · 15/07/2021 19:56

Why would you need to “understand” though, OP.

Different things are important to different people. Call me old-fashioned, but if a man can’t even be bothered to ask me to marry him in a meaningful way, then he’s not the one for me. My husband proposed on some cliffs by the sea. He had chosen the ring and got down on one knee and said some beautiful things.. He had also asked my dad. To this day, I’m glad he made the effort. Nothing wrong with a bit of romance and effort in life. Start as you mean to go on Grin 20 years later and I can still picture it in my mind. I’m glad we didn’t “sit down and have a mutual discussion” or whatever. So boring. We can do that over other things, like taking out a mortgage.

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 15/07/2021 20:06

@PattyPan But like me don't you hate the whole "oooh but when are you getting married remarks?

It's so boring.

PearlNextDoor · 15/07/2021 20:10

I dont know if men "mature more slowly", they simply have the options to put off commitment and put off parenthood so they can and they do. It creates a power inbalance if the woman doesnt really know that she's better off single than being a man's starter relationship