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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why SOME women wait around for a man to propose to them

111 replies

Flipfloppingaround · 15/07/2021 17:32

It comes up time and time again on MN.
Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man.

Surely, once you've been dating long enough to know he's The One, the pair of you have conversations about your future and whether you want to get married or not and you proceed from there, rather than waiting for him to get down on one knee and whip out a ring?

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/07/2021 17:54

@MrsTophamHat

YANBU. In can't imagine being in a healthy relationship where the couple didn't discuss their future.

My DH proposed to me but we had spoken about our future and our desire to be together and have children with each other, so it was more sumbolic/romantic than anything. We essentially were 'engaged' before that.

This is how i imagine relationships work yeah
MrsTophamHat · 15/07/2021 17:55

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

I've been with DP 7years and I love him very much. While marriage would be lovely as a celebration of our love it's not the be all and end all. I would be his 2nd marriage. My parents have been married 3times each. His parents have been married 2x each.

It's not sold as the fairytale to me. We each have older kids and don't plan on having our own.

Don't judge, you never know particular reasons.

I think you've missed the point a bit.

It's not about you both being content to live together without being married, which is a perfectly valid way to live

It's about women who very much want to be married to the man they are with, but rather than having a conversation about it, they wait and wait for him to unilaterally instigate it, becoming increasingly frustrated in the meantime.

TheOrangeSharked · 15/07/2021 17:56

Its just nice to be proposed to though isn't it? Not a big in front of hundreds of people proposal but someone asking you to marry them is nice and exciting, it makes you feel loved and lots of women want that. Personally I did want that, I'm a feminist in pretty much every other aspect but DP proposing to me was is one of my favourite moments

I think the fact that it is the man's responsibility traditionally, when a man doesn't propose it means he probably doesn't want to get married. In my experience its not actually that the woman is sat around just waiting. Its that they've had the conversation at some point they would like to get married, the woman has made it clear she wants to get married and the fact the man hasn't proposed indicates he does not want to get married. Whats shes actually waiting for is for him to say yes I want to get married, and he does that by proposing

Original poster
Flipfloppingaround · 15/07/2021 17:59

It's not sold as the fairytale to me

Too right it's not a fairytale - it's a legal contract that gives financial protection, particularly to women with children from that relationship.

Which probably explains why a lot of men are reluctant to propose.

OP posts:
TheOrangeSharked · 15/07/2021 17:59

I don't think the man in the situation you describe OP is under any pretence that his partner doesn't want to get married, and doesn't want him to propose.

Of course he will know shes waiting for the proposal. And therefore the fact that he isn't proposing shows he doesn't want to get married

onlyhereforthecake · 15/07/2021 18:03

Too right it's not a fairytale - it's a legal contract that gives financial protection, particularly to women with children from that relationship.

but it's a bit more than a legal contract. If a marriage is only a business decision, hardly worth bothering at all.

MrsTophamHat · 15/07/2021 18:03

How long would a woman be waiting though, in that sense of not knowing whether the man they want to marry, wants to marry them? It's one thing waiting for a nice romantic opportunity, but not years.

I wouldn't really be wasting my time being in a LTR with a man who i didn't think wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

MrsTophamHat · 15/07/2021 18:07

@onlyhereforthecake

Too right it's not a fairytale - it's a legal contract that gives financial protection, particularly to women with children from that relationship.

but it's a bit more than a legal contract. If a marriage is only a business decision, hardly worth bothering at all.

I think the certainty of wanting the person you choose to spend your life with is protected, and legally recognised as your family is pretty romantic actually.
DrSbaitso · 15/07/2021 18:07

I guess they want to know he really wants to.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2021 18:09

@onlyhereforthecake

Too right it's not a fairytale - it's a legal contract that gives financial protection, particularly to women with children from that relationship.

but it's a bit more than a legal contract. If a marriage is only a business decision, hardly worth bothering at all.

It's very much worth bothering when a couple have go to the stage of having children together.

There are all sorts of things to consider from pensions to life insurance etc.

Yes, all of these things can be sorted individually at great length and cost but in nearly all the cases on MN where the man is dragging his heels, it's because he's in a much more financially secure position than the woman.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2021 18:09

*got

Original poster
Flipfloppingaround · 15/07/2021 18:11

Its just nice to be proposed to though isn't it? Not a big in front of hundreds of people proposal but someone asking you to marry them is nice and exciting, it makes you feel loved and lots of women want that

Well, I felt loved because in our discussions about our future, he made it clear that he was totally committed to me and wanted marriage. He did propose in a fashion, with the ring I had chosen and 30 plus years later we're still together.

My point is, it's a mutual decision - not something that should be in the power of the man.

OP posts:
onlyhereforthecake · 15/07/2021 18:12

I wouldn't really be wasting my time being in a LTR with a man who i didn't think wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

me neither. And I think it should come from him, I am not running after a man.

I couldn't care less who proposes to whom within other couples though. It's not a judgement, it's a personal preference.

I wouldn't have kids without being married first either, again, personal choice.

onlyhereforthecake · 15/07/2021 18:13

My point is, it's a mutual decision - not something that should be in the power of the man.

but it's not about "power", it's about HIM having to make the effort. I am worth it Grin
(again, couldn't care less what other people do).

BillyShears · 15/07/2021 18:13

I don’t get this either. We just had a conversation. My best friend was in this situation and waited around for literally years feeling anxious and upset about it. Genuinely bizarre.

MrsToothyBitch · 15/07/2021 18:15

In general, I think more women should ask & normalise it. Personally, I won't do it because I just don't want to- I'm far too neurotic. Even having discussed it & knowing we both want it and that we're not the spectacle staging sort, I'd rather be asked than have the responsibility of asking; I over think everything and would freak the fuck out or spook myself out. I'm highly strung.

Also I know he would like to do it; DP has had a rough few years and he knows I have insecurities. Buying a ring is a financial milestone for him and he knows that asking me is reassuring for me.

Also as well since men don't wear engagement rings I guess that might be why the convention of men asking with the ring has persisted?

EmergencyHydrangea · 15/07/2021 18:15

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush

I've been with DP 7years and I love him very much. While marriage would be lovely as a celebration of our love it's not the be all and end all. I would be his 2nd marriage. My parents have been married 3times each. His parents have been married 2x each.

It's not sold as the fairytale to me. We each have older kids and don't plan on having our own.

Don't judge, you never know particular reasons.

Not getting married because you don't want to is different from not getting married because you want to but won't be the one to ask though
DrSbaitso · 15/07/2021 18:16

In my experience, men will be proactive for a woman they want.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2021 18:17

wow, there's A LOT Of projection here

Not from me. Happily married and got there by having a conversation about it, like we did when we bought a house and planned to have a child. Because we’re equal in our relationship.

But if you spend a week on here you’ll see the frequent mentions of “he says he’ll do it when I stop asking as otherwise he’ll feel too pressured”, “he says he’ll do but he’s got work stress/I talk about the baby too much/he’s got a lads weekend to pay for/his brother might propose and we can’t steal their thunder/he’d rather have another baby first/rings are too expensive” all the while she’s pining away wondering when she’ll be considered worthy.

SweetPetrichor · 15/07/2021 18:20

Dumb social convention and attachment to tradition. I think couples should discuss and agree marriage, it’s not something to just ‘ask’.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/07/2021 18:20

I think most women do initiate those conversations, and feel that by being the one to initiate them they have shown that they want to get married, and then expect their partner to show that they do too by asking.

From chats with DH about this (happily married for nearly 7 years), he thinks women simply start thinking about it much earlier than men. His view is that men need to be educated far more about the realities of women's fertility. He and friends all just thought things were totally fine for women until at least 40, and got a reality shock on learning that fertility is declining. My own mother pointed that women of her generation tended to marry men 5-8 years older.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/07/2021 18:22

To clarify, I think a lot of women have that conversation with their partner who confirms that yes! They do want kids and to get married. What is less clear is that they haven't worked out when but think nearer 40 than 30 is fine, whereas for women's fertility nearer 30 would be preferable and I think that's what most women want.

baldafrique · 15/07/2021 18:25

Your partner can still want to spend the rest of their life with you yet not want to be married, surely?

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 15/07/2021 18:30

That was my point @baldafrique

People's experiences of marriage whether it's from parents or themselves having failed marriages may impact their feelings on how they view marriage. It's not personal and that their partner isn't "the one". My neighbours have been together 30years, have kids and never married, from what I see, they love eachother dearly.

newnortherner111 · 15/07/2021 18:31

Women are not all the same. Some have been conditioned into expecting certain traditions that many others feel should have died out years ago.

There are plenty of things that I will never understand. Why anyone can like broccoli or find celery flavoursome. Some of the pets people have. Why anyone thinks Little Mix or Westlife have/had any talent. To give some examples.

That said, I'm certain some men who are commitment phobes or want to leave a woman once they get to 40 string women along with an expectation that one day they will propose.