To not understand why SOME women wait around for a man to propose to them

[Flipfloppingaround]

It comes up time and time again on MN.
Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man.

Surely, once you've been dating long enough to know he's The One, the pair of you have conversations about your future and whether you want to get married or not and you proceed from there, rather than waiting for him to get down on one knee and whip out a ring?

It's not about controlling another person @PearlNextDoor, it's about asking them. That's what a proposal is, it it literally a question.

Don't judge.

@Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat

It comes up time and time again on MN. Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man

Yep, and time and time again, she gets a right old bashing for it. For not realising that she's wrong, that she shouldn't be waiting for a proposal. That she should ask him.

But since every other bit of her life is soaked in patriarchal bullshit and inequality, it didn't register as A Failure.

Because she gets paid less, gets to feel scared to walking on the streets in the dark on her own, gets to clutch her keys between her fingers and not wear high heels in case she need to run.

Because she's supposed to accept all this, because she's a woman. That's how it's always been. So the bit that's also traditional, the part where someone asks her to marry him, she should stop being a passive twat about, and just ask them.

Because for fuck's sake. BE EQUAL. I mean, you can't, in life, but be equal here, otherwise you're not being strong. You're being a bit of a shit feminist. JUST ASK HIM.

Disclaimer: I'm really tired and my fingers are typing without my brain keeping up, but my basic point is: stop bashing women. This thread is critical, not empowering. I agree that women should ask men to marry them. I agree that women should have every protection in their personal lives that is available to them. I don't think that women should sit in a window, combing their hair and waiting To Be Married.

But neither do I think that another MN thread slating women for not yet overturning another cornerstone of embedded patriarchal bullshit is what the world needs right now.

And now I'm probably going to bed

You certainly sound drunk, tired and dramatic. A lot of the times the women already lives together with the man. So ‘traditional’(patriarchal) when it comes to marriage - but ‘forward thinking and modern’ when it comes to living together and fucking before marriage? Can’t have it both ways.

There will be a point we will have to stop saying "oh well patriarchy, innit 🤷🏻 nothing we can do"

I think if it’s what you want then you need to talk about it. I made it very clear to dh early on that I wanted to be married and have dc. I can’t understand why anyone would be afraid to discuss this.

Two female relatives, one had been with her dp for years and he wanted children. She wasn’t young but she point blank refused until they were married. They have been happily married for many years with two dc and I think it was the push he needed.

Another met her dp then quickly had a baby. She really wants to marry but is absolutely terrified to mention it for fear of pressuring him or scaring him off. She spends every special occasion feeling sad because she had thought thar he may ‘give her a ring’. I can’t for the life of me understand how they can have a child together yet she doesn’t feel she can ask for what she wants. Or that to bring it up may be unromantic. It’s ridiculous.

Low self esteem maybe? An unwillingness to face up to the truth? Poor communication skills?
YANBU Op, it saddens me because I see so many lovely women wasting their time/ hopes / dreams on men that either don't want to commit or just can't be arsed.

I just think if marriage is important to you (and the legal financial side needs to be taken very seriously) then dont settle for a man who doesn't want that, (and remember his actions will speak louder than words!) And also if marriage is important to you dont have kids with a man who is clearly dragging his heels!

You certainly sound drunk, tired and dramatic

Drunk? Unlikely. I was working.

Tired? Yep, I said so. Whole bunch of reasons for that one.

Dramatic? Oh yes. Often used when discussing women and something they find emotive. Nice one. See also 'hysterical.'

But otherwise, well done you. Reductive, rude and plain wrong, all in one sentence.

@Flipfloppingaround

It comes up time and time again on MN. Woman wants to get married but is waiting for The Proposal from The Man.

Surely, once you've been dating long enough to know he's The One, the pair of you have conversations about your future and whether you want to get married or not and you proceed from there, rather than waiting for him to get down on one knee and whip out a ring?

Well obviously not, because otherwise so many women wouldn't be waiting around for a proposal

My partner got down on one knee and whipped out the ring, it was v romantic. We hadn't had a chat about it before then and I hadn't been waiting but it was lovely. Maybe some women just want the guy to give them that experience instead of a less romantic chat. Which is fair enough...

@Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat

You certainly sound drunk, tired and dramatic

Drunk? Unlikely. I was working.

Tired? Yep, I said so. Whole bunch of reasons for that one.

Dramatic? Oh yes. Often used when discussing women and something they find emotive. Nice one. See also 'hysterical.'

But otherwise, well done you. Reductive, rude and plain wrong, all in one sentence.

I thought your post was excellent!

Wow, so surprised by the tone used by in some of the PP here about women who waited.

I knew within a few months that I wanted to marry my now Husband, however I waited around for him to propose for a couple of reasons:

1. He likes to do things in a certain order and likes the timing to align with what he has in his head, whereas I am not as bothered by that sort of thing. I knew that at some point he would ask me and as such was in no rush to ask him myself.
2. I wanted the surprise of it, I wanted to receive a nice ring that he had picked (I knew he would make a good choice) and to have all of the excitement and the romance.
3. I knew he wanted to ask me and I knew that it was important to him that he asked me and that there was some sort of official proposal from him.

Some of the PP here seem to imply that just because a woman waited there was no discussion about the couple's future. This was certainly not the case for me and my Husband, I knew he wanted to marry me, I knew it wasn't going to take forever and I knew some of the things he wanted to have sorted first. A woman waiting does not mean she is not in charge of her own life, nor is there anything wrong with anyone doing anything for 'tradition' either.

It's about the ones who quietly wait getting upset yet still just wait