Normal to struggle juggling work and DC?

[SilverOak]

I work freelance programming websites, maybe 20 hours a week flexibly around 3yo DC. The problem is that DC is now at home till nursery reopens in September. I’m struggling to work and look after DC at the same time. If I put the tv on for him, he closes the lid of my laptop and physically grabs my head and turns it towards the tv because he wants me to watch with him. If I give him the iPad he gets hold of my finger and makes me tap the screen. He prods me with books and toys, and screams when I say not now, mummy is busy. I can’t focus because I have to keep one eye on him.

DH is complaining that I’m not getting any work done and not getting paid. I said how do you expect me to work when I’m being pestered by a toddler? So he went off on a rant saying I need to learn to multitask, and when I return to the workplace I can’t expect to be left alone to just get on with things in peace, I will have to deal with distractions and interruptions. I said multitasking between different job roles isn’t the same as being pestered by a 3yo while you’re trying to concentrate!

DH is wfh this week because he’s tested positive for Covid. Of course he’s locked himself in the bedroom to work in peace. AIBU to unlock the door and let DC in to pester him?

I would never attempt to work with my 3yo present. You need to sort out childcare, or work when DC in bed.

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible.

If you only have to work around 20 hours a week, 3 hours every evening once he's in bed is a lot more realistic. That's the only way most of us managed.

You deal with chores and childcare during the day, it's much less stressful.

Of course unlock your DH's door! He's being a twat.

If dh thinks it's that easy then he can do it! Go and put the 3yo in the bedroom with him "have a go multitasking- I'm taking my laptop to Costa to get some work done. Be back in 8 hrs"

Definitely unleash the 3yo. And remind your husband that "he mustn't lose his ability to multitask" [evil chuckle]
But as PP said, working while supervising your 3yo isn't sustainable long term, can you book him into different childcare for a few hours each week over the summer?

An alternative is to do your 20 hours over Saturday and Sunday and leave early doors with a cheery "have fun you two I'm off to work" each morning.

I'd leave DH to juggle work and a preschooler for a week. He'd learn fast that he's be an unreasonable prick. Actually, a day should do it.

That aside, you are both unreasonable, you need to choose a nursery that runs all year, not a term-only place. You made a mistake there.

Yeah, look, no one can work and look after a child at the same time. Whether that's web development or wielding a chainsaw.

Your child needs an adult to take an interest in him and direct him. He deserves better than the television and an iPad. Like every other working parent, he should be with a caregiver. Caring for a child IS a job. You can't just ignore the poor thing. What sort of life is that for him?

Your poor kid isn't 'pestering' nor should he be seen as something to 'send in' to someone else to punish them.

Put him in nursery.

Also your husband's a dick, but you probably knew that. If you're 'not getting paid' that is a big concern, but I guess he's not getting his wallet out to pay for childcare either - so he expects you to do both. Some support for your career that is. Keep it in mind; he doesn't want you to succeed.

Yes! Suggest you take it in turns working downstairs with the toddler while the other has the peaceful bedroom!

This just seems like a really untenable situation, both expecting to work from home with no childcare and a toddler. I work a similar amount of hours freelance but I do it at weekends or evenings when DD is asleep. No way would I try to get meaningful work done with her around!

Can you find a nursery that stays open all year?

You cannot work with a young child around. You do it before they're up or after they're in bed.

Or go to a coffee shop and let your husband try and do it.

If hours are that flexible, can't you just work when your child is in bed? Or when your DH finishes work for the day, he can take him for a couple of hours and do bedtime and you can work and he can take him at weekends too?

the only thing you can do by using screens is sending a quick email, but you realistically can't do any more than that.

It's the worst age!

They can learn to entertain themselves, but it's nowhere near enough to get anything done.

No, it's not possible. Didn't you do this during lockdown last year though?

My eldest DS is 5 and there's no way I can work with him around, it's not possible.

Tell your DH you have a long client call and you're going out so he can multitask looking after your DC (provided he will keep him safe).

I think you will need a childminder to cover the holidays or switch to a full time nursery.

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible.
Thank you for confirming this. DH is saying it’s my fault because I lack the skills to multitask.

Of course it's normal to struggle, most people put their children into childcare for this reason. I had three (aged five and under) at home during lockdown with both me and DH trying to wfh and it was pretty much impossible.

I could probably work a bit with my nearly six year old at home, but any younger than five and it's game over.

If it's only 20 hours a week then maybe you can do it in the evenings but I would be putting the child into childcare of some sort personally. You can neither parent nor work effectively in your situation.

It was like this for millions of parents over lockdown and was utter hell. I never want to go back to that. What did you do then?

You need year-round childcare options for your preschooler though, that's what private nurseries, holiday clubs, babysitters etc are for. We were hesitant about taking term-time only nursery spaces for that exact reason so kept them in a private nursery for the days I work.

Yeah leave him at it and see how he copes.

@SilverOak

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible. Thank you for confirming this. DH is saying it’s my fault because I lack the skills to multitask.

Ask him to demonstrate this.

As others said, let DH demonstrate his multi-tasking skills then!

It is not possible to do a meaningful day's paid work whilst having your head melted by a small child

Believe me, I researched the matter extensively from Jan-March.

I actually think one very damaging aspect of Covid has been that provision of childcare is now seen as optional.

That aside, you are both unreasonable, you need to choose a nursery that runs all year, not a term-only place. You made a mistake there.
I didn’t know that any of them ran all year? All parents seem to struggle during the holidays, I thought that was just a fact of life. All of the local nurseries I looked at had the same holidays as the schools.

Didn't you do this during lockdown last year though?
No, I didn’t work at all during that period. I started back at work this year because I want to keep my hand in for when I’m able to go back full time. My ex employer sends me work on a freelance basis, no rush, when I’m done I send it back and get another task. But since I’ve had DC at home I haven’t been getting through the tasks so obviously I haven’t been getting paid.

@SilverOak

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible. Thank you for confirming this. DH is saying it’s my fault because I lack the skills to multitask.

😂 😂 😂

I feel terribly embarrassed to have proven my inability to cope. I cannot wait for him to demonstrate how it should be done, and I will not fail to follow the amazing example he will be for the next days.

I would definitely open his office and let the 3 year old pester him for a while, he will soon learn. Also, it IS impossible to work and look after children, many many people have learned this through COVID and worked themselves into the ground trying to do both. I would either try and get childcare or do evenings/weekends for the time being.

You need year-round childcare, not term time only. It’s not possible (and unsafe) to try and do both work and childcare with a little one.
My director doesn’t get why I need to keep taking time off when DD is isolating but it’s impossible to work without childcare.