Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Normal to struggle juggling work and DC?

106 replies

SilverOak · 15/07/2021 12:10

I work freelance programming websites, maybe 20 hours a week flexibly around 3yo DC. The problem is that DC is now at home till nursery reopens in September. I’m struggling to work and look after DC at the same time. If I put the tv on for him, he closes the lid of my laptop and physically grabs my head and turns it towards the tv because he wants me to watch with him. If I give him the iPad he gets hold of my finger and makes me tap the screen. He prods me with books and toys, and screams when I say not now, mummy is busy. I can’t focus because I have to keep one eye on him.

DH is complaining that I’m not getting any work done and not getting paid. I said how do you expect me to work when I’m being pestered by a toddler? So he went off on a rant saying I need to learn to multitask, and when I return to the workplace I can’t expect to be left alone to just get on with things in peace, I will have to deal with distractions and interruptions. I said multitasking between different job roles isn’t the same as being pestered by a 3yo while you’re trying to concentrate!

DH is wfh this week because he’s tested positive for Covid. Of course he’s locked himself in the bedroom to work in peace. AIBU to unlock the door and let DC in to pester him?

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverOak · 15/07/2021 14:00

Do you have access to the money he earns?
Yes we have a joint account and I can spend what I want. He’s not willing to see that bank balance diminish just to indulge my desire to work. I kind of get what he’s saying - he’d be giving up £30 an hour for me to earn £8 an hour. But I want to work!

OP posts:
AlwaysColdHands · 15/07/2021 14:00

He is minimising or actually, dismissing the importance of your career to you, personally (and all the associated bits of that eg the importance of paying into your own pension)
He is trying to prove himself right and make you give up working. He does not regard your work as important on any level and may be wishing to increase your reliance upon him

This makes me so cross on your behalf

If you can, do the work at evenings and weekends, or take any holidays/ do a bit less in some way to see you through the holidays. Then consider if you can alter childcare arrangements at all, or your work patterns for future holidays. It won’t actually be long until your 3 year olds is at school.

Please try all you can to cling onto your own career and source of income. You might really need it one day.

It is so f**king difficult. Try your best to find the strength to stick proverbial fingers up at him and muddle through this short period. Rooting for you

arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2021 14:03

Financially op, I was in the exact same position as you ten years ago. Very similar mind set of husbands. We're divorced now, and I wish I'd done it sooner.

ohfuckitall · 15/07/2021 14:04

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If dh thinks it's that easy then he can do it! Go and put the 3yo in the bedroom with him "have a go multitasking- I'm taking my laptop to Costa to get some work done. Be back in 8 hrs"
Do this.
Zilla1 · 15/07/2021 14:05

Perhaps he can work with DC in the room and demonstrate how he multitasks and manages a 3 YO? It sounds like your DH needs to go on a journey of understanding and your DC needs slowly to become a little more autonomous to the extent his age and personality allows. It will be interesting which happens more quickly.

Good luck.

Hamster1111 · 15/07/2021 14:09

@SilverOak

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible. Thank you for confirming this. DH is saying it’s my fault because I lack the skills to multitask.
You DH is a twat. I agree with PP, give him your toddler and bugger off to costa. Do not put up with this - you're setting yourself up for years and years of impossible juggling if you don't make a stand. It's the only way he'll learn. Or... maybe he will excel at 'multi-tasking' and he can do it everyday from now on...
ohfuckitall · 15/07/2021 14:10

Your husband is thick, arrogant and horrible. He also has no respect for you.

Eardrumy · 15/07/2021 14:10

If you have access to money then use a childminder for your child. If he gets upset then let him be. But do use a childminder or another nursery. Don’t give up your job. You will need it when your marriage breaks down. These sort of marriages do eventually break down because it is not possible to live long term with such type of men.

Original poster
SilverOak · 15/07/2021 14:12

I can see now that this is a symptom of a bigger problem. It’s ten years since we graduated. He picked a lucrative career and has climbed the ladder. I picked a rewarding public sector job working with vulnerable people, which was great for about six years until I realised I had no prospects and was being left behind financially. So I tried to start over as a programmer because that will pay better in the long run, and I was just getting started when I got pregnant. And then Covid happened. So he’s well paid and I’m still struggling to start a new career. The result is that he won’t sacrifice any of his higher earning power to facilitate me earning peanuts. I’m not sure what the solution is.

OP posts:
Eardrumy · 15/07/2021 14:14

The solution is you keep going on your job by using your access to money for childcare. Once you are in a position to leave financially after establishing yourself in your job, you can decide whether the marriage is sustainable or not

Hamster1111 · 15/07/2021 14:17

oh I've just seen your update on the financial viability of you working.

It's not just about the money, you are a person who has every right to keep working and having a life of your own outside motherhood. In fact, it is so so important to keep your hand in at the moment. It may be at a 'loss' right now but in a few years you'll still have your career once your DC are older and you can work more / don't have to pay for childcare. To give up now would be so short sighted. Especially as you are freelance (as am I) - hold onto those clients.

converseandjeans · 15/07/2021 14:18

A childminder would be approx £5/hr

Manzanilla55 · 15/07/2021 14:23

A childminder is needed. 3 yr olds are so hard!

billy1966 · 15/07/2021 14:27

Well isn't he a piece of work!

Definitely don't have a second child and stay working.

I think you will need a career long-term.

Get a child minder locally, perhaps a teenager to help entertain him.

Protect yourself because he does not sound nice.

PragmaticWench · 15/07/2021 14:29

He wants me to work but he also wants me to take 100% responsibility for childcare. And if I can’t work and do childcare then too bad, that means I can’t work.

So he's fine for your career, overall earning potential, pension etc to be sacrificed on the alter of his career and prospects?

Because you BOTH had a child?

What a prince among men. You've been thrown under a bus by him OP. Where is your inner fire, get angry!!

PragmaticWench · 15/07/2021 14:30

He'll swiftly start to think of you as 'less' as your career nosedive. Even though he's mostly responsible for that.

DrHWeasley · 15/07/2021 14:33

Whatever you do, don't give up work for this chump. Ultimately I would leave, I think. You need to find some childcare, somehow- if there are no year round nurseries in your area perhaps there are other parents in the same position- you could try to arrange a childcare swap? Work on increasing your earning potential so you are not at the mercy of your selfish DH (not that you should be, regardless).

Bogofftosomewherehot · 15/07/2021 14:33

@SilverOak

You cannot work AND look after a young child. It's just not possible. Thank you for confirming this. DH is saying it’s my fault because I lack the skills to multitask.
I would send the toddler into daddy and ask him to lead by example and show me how to do it!!!!!
lanthanum · 15/07/2021 14:35

Find a teenager or two who can come and entertain him for a couple of hours at a time.

Noodles4Me · 15/07/2021 14:53

Yeah, he really doesn't value or respect you @SilverOak. That'd kill any love I might have had.

As someone said, if you left him how would your life be any worse off? It wouldn't.

RiverSkater · 15/07/2021 14:57

Keep working - I can't stress this enough. The cost of childcare comes from both salaries. So many women see it as coming solely from their earnings then they are themselves as working for very little.

Please discuss this with your husband - he pays half the childcare.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 15/07/2021 15:00

Find childcare. You cannot possibly work and look after a 3 year old at the same time.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/07/2021 15:08

I was also going to suggest finding a teenager for a few hours each say. They can bring him into the garden , go for walks, play with toys etc and you get going at work as soon as they arrive. Be nice for your dc to know a teen too as could use for other babysitting.

Sunshinegirl82 · 15/07/2021 15:09

Setting aside the fact that your DH is an arse, could you come to a more formal arrangement for the work? You work maybe 2 days, claim the 30 hours for childcare, stretch it across the year?

Would that work?

Taliskerskye · 15/07/2021 15:58

This sounds like an awful situation
I am so sorry.

I can only suggest that you put plans in place to leave. He thinks very little of you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread