Normal to struggle juggling work and DC?

[SilverOak]

I work freelance programming websites, maybe 20 hours a week flexibly around 3yo DC. The problem is that DC is now at home till nursery reopens in September. I’m struggling to work and look after DC at the same time. If I put the tv on for him, he closes the lid of my laptop and physically grabs my head and turns it towards the tv because he wants me to watch with him. If I give him the iPad he gets hold of my finger and makes me tap the screen. He prods me with books and toys, and screams when I say not now, mummy is busy. I can’t focus because I have to keep one eye on him.

DH is complaining that I’m not getting any work done and not getting paid. I said how do you expect me to work when I’m being pestered by a toddler? So he went off on a rant saying I need to learn to multitask, and when I return to the workplace I can’t expect to be left alone to just get on with things in peace, I will have to deal with distractions and interruptions. I said multitasking between different job roles isn’t the same as being pestered by a 3yo while you’re trying to concentrate!

DH is wfh this week because he’s tested positive for Covid. Of course he’s locked himself in the bedroom to work in peace. AIBU to unlock the door and let DC in to pester him?

I didn’t know that any of them ran all year? All parents seem to struggle during the holidays, I thought that was just a fact of life. All of the local nurseries I looked at had the same holidays as the schools.

that sucks, because that should be the huge bonus of nurseries, around here they only close on bank holidays.

It 's very unusual for them to be term-only.

All the private nurseries here are year-round. I've never heard of a term-time-only one! You can choose term-time-only hours at ours, but it's open all year except two weeks at Christmas. We are in a large village in northern Scotland.

I didn’t know that any of them ran all year

All the private nurseries here are open all year apart from 1 or sometimes 2 weeks at Christmas. School nurseries obviously are different.

Private nurseries are open 50 weeks of the year usually. Nurseries attached to schools or pre-schools are usually only term time. If you do find one that is open all year, your 30 hours funding can be stretched to cover less hours over more weeks.

But, no. You cannot work with a 3 year old. I had a 4 year old and 6 month old at the start of covid, thankfully work were understanding, but I had to work around DH's shifts and then at night.

Your DH is a tit though. You can multitask, probably perfectly on several work tasks at a time. But a 3 year old probably demands 90% of your attention. Has he ever tried it?

All the nurseries here are open 51 weeks a year (only close for a week at Christmas) they open 7.30-6 minimum.
The preschools are term time only 9-3 so they are pretty hopeless for work related childcare as the day too short for most people. They are lovely settings but not very practical and more to offer socialisation than work childcare.

Of course there are nurseries open year round, I've never seen a private nursery close for the summer holidays. Even school nurseries around here are open year round.

If it wasn't for the fact that you need to self isolate as well, then I'd book a hotel room for myself for a few nights. At least then you'd know you have a few days a week free to do work 😂 has your husband always thought that childcare is just "woman work"?

You need a private day nursery, they're open year-round and you should get the funding to cover most of the cost now he's 3. Put 'day nursery' into Google Maps and check all their hours, there will be one even if it's in the next town.

Nurseries that close during school holidays are usually connected to schools or church groups, and are completely useless for working parents.

Trying to work from home full time with a young toddler last year (and again in Jan/Feb because there were so many cases he'd have been in isolation more than out of it), was one of the worst times of my life. I realise people will think I'm being dramatic, but it was utterly, utterly awful.

Of course you can't work whilst looking after a 3 year old. Maybe an hour or two here or there, but not 20 hours a week.

But that's not what's really really strange about your situation.

Essentially, you're questioning if you can work at the same time as look after a child because your husband says you should, whilst simultaneously not doing it himself?!? How can you ask if it's unreasonable to open his door, as if it might be, when this is what he expects you to do?!?

So, yes, open his door, and take your work to a cafe.

And, if that's unthinkable to you, or you're thinking ' I couldn't possibly do that.' Then ask yourself why? Why is it one rule for him and one or you?

It just makes no sense.

Massive dose of his own medicine for your DH.

What a cock

If you do find one that is open all year, your 30 hours funding can be stretched to cover less hours over more weeks
I only claim 15 hours nursery funding (I snatch an extra 5 hours work after bedtime or if my mum takes DC out for a bit). My earnings and hours aren’t guaranteed, and I don’t get paid by the hour, I get paid per task. So I’m not eligible for 30 hours funding.

The last week or so when DC has been at home I’ve got virtually nothing done during the day and only managed maybe 5 hours of work. So I haven’t finished this task and haven’t been paid. Hence why DH is whinging.

Echoing the sentiments of PPs.

'Ah, Mr Silver Oak.

You're so right, I find it difficult to multitask and look after a toddler while I work.

I'll let you do it instead. Are you staying in with your child or will you both go to your place of work?

If you'll be at home I'll go out.

Bye then. See you at teatime dickhead, make sure you've made a decent meal for us all too!

@H328

It was like this for millions of parents over lockdown and was utter hell. I never want to go back to that. What did you do then?

You need year-round childcare options for your preschooler though, that's what private nurseries, holiday clubs, babysitters etc are for. We were hesitant about taking term-time only nursery spaces for that exact reason so kept them in a private nursery for the days I work.

This.

And bearing in mind something about the 'multi tasking'.

I've always thought this was a bit of a trap for women in particular.

Usually it just leads to stress, and takes a toll on your mental health.

Men usually profess and display an inability to multi task. Convenient for them isn't it?

What's wrong with doing one thing at a time. We deserve that just as much as anyone else.

I like the option of disappearing at the weekend to a coffee shop to get your work done. Or the library. That way you could go for a child free walk in your lunch break.

I’m assuming this is some kind of joke? Why on earth don’t you have child care arranged? No one plans to work and look after a 3 year old.

Definitely unlock the office and have your h demonstrate how to multitask 😂

I also don’t understand why you only got 5 hours of work done last week. You could easily do 3 hours in the evening when DC has gone to bed. Or work on the weekend when your DH can take over the childcare.

This isn’t rocket science.

Essentially, you're questioning if you can work at the same time as look after a child because your husband says you should, whilst simultaneously not doing it himself?!?
Honestly I didn’t know if he was being a dick, or if I’m the one at fault because (as he said) I can’t multitask. I told him I need peace and quiet to work because I’m programming and I need to concentrate - and he said that’s unreasonable and you can’t expect that in the workplace, so I won’t succeed when I return to a proper job unless I can learn to multitask and work with distractions and interruptions.

He also said that when you have work to be completed in a real workplace you can’t just turn to your boss and say you didn’t meet the deadline because you were distracted and didn’t have peace to focus - you have to meet that deadline regardless of the circumstances. So I’m just making excuses for not doing my work.

Of course now he’s been sent home to isolate he’s locked himself in the spare room. But he has a “proper” high paid high powered full time job, which is apparently totally different to me earning less than min wage writing computer code part-time.

you can't reasonably work with a 3 year old. Best you can do is take turns working and looking after the child and i'd be mad with a 'd'p who locked himself away and expected not to have to help in this way.

However, as said above, you need a nursery that is open all year if you both have to work all year, sounds like your child goes to pre-school which usually does run on school hours.

also, holiday clubs quite often take children from age 3 - you need to sort out childcare and it needs to be a shared cost!

But why don't you just parrot all his words back to him? It doesn't have to be aggressive, just pointing out what he's saying should go for him as well.

By the way, he only lasted about 15 minutes with DC in the bedroom! I sent DC in under the pretext of taking him a snack and showing him a picture we had coloured in, and then just left them alone. DC crawled under the desk and pulled his power cable out because I heard him shouting. Then there was a lot of “put that down, don’t touch that, stop it!” A bit of “not right now I’m busy” followed by screaming. And then he started yelling “Silver where the fuck are you!” and he pushed DC out onto the landing and locked the door.

@MiniCheddarMuncher

Definitely unleash the 3yo. And remind your husband that "he mustn't lose his ability to multitask" [evil chuckle] But as PP said, working while supervising your 3yo isn't sustainable long term, can you book him into different childcare for a few hours each week over the summer?

^ this Your DH is a cheeky git!

@SilverOak

By the way, he only lasted about 15 minutes with DC in the bedroom! I sent DC in under the pretext of taking him a snack and showing him a picture we had coloured in, and then just left them alone. DC crawled under the desk and pulled his power cable out because I heard him shouting. Then there was a lot of “put that down, don’t touch that, stop it!” A bit of “not right now I’m busy” followed by screaming. And then he started yelling “Silver where the fuck are you!” and he pushed DC out onto the landing and locked the door.

Wow. If my DH spoke and behaved like that in front of my child he’d be gone. You don’t need childcare, you need a divorce.

Wow he sounds like a gem

Are you ok, OP? It seems like you listen to your DH to the point of not being able to think critically or believing that what he says is some sort of gospel. That added with the way he spoke to you in front of your child makes me worried for you.

Last update - honestly, divorce. Either now, or years down the line when you realise he's an arsehole.

This is outrageous, how on Earth can you be questioning whether you're 'at fault' for not being able to do your job and look after a toddler at the same time, when your DH wouldn't even consider that HE could do his job whilst looking after a toddler. CLEARLY what you earn doesn't in any way correlate with how much you need to concentrate in order to do your job. He needs to get that just because he works FT, and earns more, doing your job is also important and requires concentration it's not just some flimsy easy peasy 'women work' (and you are of course facilitating his career by being freelance at present to fit around the child you BOTH have...). Jeesus........