Normal to struggle juggling work and DC?

[SilverOak]

I work freelance programming websites, maybe 20 hours a week flexibly around 3yo DC. The problem is that DC is now at home till nursery reopens in September. I’m struggling to work and look after DC at the same time. If I put the tv on for him, he closes the lid of my laptop and physically grabs my head and turns it towards the tv because he wants me to watch with him. If I give him the iPad he gets hold of my finger and makes me tap the screen. He prods me with books and toys, and screams when I say not now, mummy is busy. I can’t focus because I have to keep one eye on him.

DH is complaining that I’m not getting any work done and not getting paid. I said how do you expect me to work when I’m being pestered by a toddler? So he went off on a rant saying I need to learn to multitask, and when I return to the workplace I can’t expect to be left alone to just get on with things in peace, I will have to deal with distractions and interruptions. I said multitasking between different job roles isn’t the same as being pestered by a 3yo while you’re trying to concentrate!

DH is wfh this week because he’s tested positive for Covid. Of course he’s locked himself in the bedroom to work in peace. AIBU to unlock the door and let DC in to pester him?

I also don’t understand why you only got 5 hours of work done last week. You could easily do 3 hours in the evening when DC has gone to bed. Or work on the weekend when your DH can take over the childcare.
DH usually works at least one weekend day. And of course he has to sit on his arse having a leisurely breakfast and watching breakfast tv for a couple of hours. If I ask him to take DC from 8am so I can work he’ll just say don’t work then? He already thinks it’s unnecessary for me to work because he’s well paid and we don’t need the money. He certainly won’t put himself out for me to work. He’s already complained why can’t I wait till DC starts school in Sept 2022 before I start getting back into work.

@SilverOak

I also don’t understand why you only got 5 hours of work done last week. You could easily do 3 hours in the evening when DC has gone to bed. Or work on the weekend when your DH can take over the childcare. DH usually works at least one weekend day. And of course he has to sit on his arse having a leisurely breakfast and watching breakfast tv for a couple of hours. If I ask him to take DC from 8am so I can work he’ll just say don’t work then? He already thinks it’s unnecessary for me to work because he’s well paid and we don’t need the money. He certainly won’t put himself out for me to work. He’s already complained why can’t I wait till DC starts school in Sept 2022 before I start getting back into work.

Then he's a cunt.

@SilverOak

That aside, you are both unreasonable, you need to choose a nursery that runs all year, not a term-only place. You made a mistake there. I didn’t know that any of them ran all year? All parents seem to struggle during the holidays, I thought that was just a fact of life. All of the local nurseries I looked at had the same holidays as the schools.

Didn't you do this during lockdown last year though?
No, I didn’t work at all during that period. I started back at work this year because I want to keep my hand in for when I’m able to go back full time. My ex employer sends me work on a freelance basis, no rush, when I’m done I send it back and get another task. But since I’ve had DC at home I haven’t been getting through the tasks so obviously I haven’t been getting paid.

Yes, they run all year. Private ones. They cost more. People who say they have no summer care mean "I cannot or will not pay for private nursery, or my children are too old for it". People don't take 6 weeks off just because school's out. You book summer care, camps and so on.

@HeyDugeesCakeBadge

I would definitely open his office and let the 3 year old pester him for a while, he will soon learn. Also, it IS impossible to work and look after children, many many people have learned this through COVID and worked themselves into the ground trying to do both. I would either try and get childcare or do evenings/weekends for the time being.

He won't 'learn', though, will he? He'll shout at the poor child, and then at his wife.

Children deserve more than to be ignored and have an iPad chucked at them.

@SilverOak

Essentially, you're questioning if you can work at the same time as look after a child because your husband says you should, whilst simultaneously not doing it himself?!? Honestly I didn’t know if he was being a dick, or if I’m the one at fault because (as he said) I can’t multitask. I told him I need peace and quiet to work because I’m programming and I need to concentrate - and he said that’s unreasonable and you can’t expect that in the workplace, so I won’t succeed when I return to a proper job unless I can learn to multitask and work with distractions and interruptions.

He also said that when you have work to be completed in a real workplace you can’t just turn to your boss and say you didn’t meet the deadline because you were distracted and didn’t have peace to focus - you have to meet that deadline regardless of the circumstances. So I’m just making excuses for not doing my work.

Of course now he’s been sent home to isolate he’s locked himself in the spare room. But he has a “proper” high paid high powered full time job, which is apparently totally different to me earning less than min wage writing computer code part-time.

Like I say, this is a man who does not want you to return to work, because he doesn't want his precious career harmed by childcare.

"you won't succeed"
"you're making excuses"

He needs to get that just because he works FT, and earns more, doing your job is also important and requires concentration
It’s because he regards his job as a real job that pays the bills, and mine as a self indulgent and non essential hobby, because I don’t earn much and I choose to work even though I don’t need to. So that means I can only do my hobby as long as it doesn’t inconvenience him.

No you can't work while looking after a 3 year old. Look into childminder - they might be able to do a short slot of say 3-4 hours a day? It's cheaper than nursery.

I think your DH is being a dick. He's actually trying to make you feel insecure and inadequate. He lasted 15 mins of work with a toddler there. I should imagine coding would need lots of concentration.

Op - if the 'ltb' comments after your latest insight in to who your husband is have come as a shock, and you're not ready to deal with that yet/don't realise it yet; fine, but please don't have another baby with this man.

But then he complains that you’re not getting paid?

You have a DH problem, not a child / work problem.

I say this as my DH runs around the house after our two-year old while I work. We all have covid.

If he doesn’t think you should work then why is he complaining that you haven’t got paid?

@SilverOak

He needs to get that just because he works FT, and earns more, doing your job is also important and requires concentration It’s because he regards his job as a real job that pays the bills, and mine as a self indulgent and non essential hobby, because I don’t earn much and I choose to work even though I don’t need to. So that means I can only do my hobby as long as it doesn’t inconvenience him.

Well he can't have it both ways can he?

It's either only a hobby and he'll pay all the bills OR you both need the money and need to work on a fair compromise.

@SilverOak

He needs to get that just because he works FT, and earns more, doing your job is also important and requires concentration It’s because he regards his job as a real job that pays the bills, and mine as a self indulgent and non essential hobby, because I don’t earn much and I choose to work even though I don’t need to. So that means I can only do my hobby as long as it doesn’t inconvenience him.

You're definitely not the first woman to find a previously 'nice' husband turns into a bully the moment his partner wishes to return to work.

He will state she "doesn't have to", that any job she chooses is "frivolous, silly, a hobby" and that she must do it on top of her housewifely duties.

It often escalates into accusations of improper behaviour once you return to the office - quite frequent threads in Relationships of men enraged by women speaking with colleagues, taking part in meetings and being heard, being praised.

You will be given no support from this man. It is not because he wishes to 'keep' or 'care' for you. It is because these kinds of men see women as domestic servants. You going to work gives you financial independence (which he would rather control), respect (he'd sooner you had none) and a key to freedom. They don't like that.

Learn to multi task while he works behind a locked door is it? I'm sure his work is just much too important...........

I'm reading this on here time and time again. WFH is impossible with young children around. Do you have family who can help? I really don't think you can both WFH with no childcare in place. Just like you can't go out to work with no childcare in place. A child sees you at home and they want to play. I feel sorry for you OP. I've been in your position too and my stress levels went through the roof.

Like I say, this is a man who does not want you to return to work, because he doesn't want his precious career harmed by childcare.
"you won't succeed"
"you're making excuses"

He will always regard his job as superior and will expect me to pick up the slack re childcare. I wish I’d realised before we had DC, because he seemed like he was all for equality. But as soon as DC appeared and needed looking after it was all put onto me. He wants me to work but he also wants me to take 100% responsibility for childcare. And if I can’t work and do childcare then too bad, that means I can’t work.

This is why I’ve refused to have a second child. When I ask for help he says “if you can’t work without help then don’t work”. When I suggest he reconsiders his work hours to do more childcare, he says “how would we pay the bills? I’ll work less when you earn the same salary as me and can replace the money I’m losing”. Which is of course impossible for me to earn that much.

He already thinks it’s unnecessary for me to work because he’s well paid and we don’t need the money. He certainly won’t put himself out for me to work. He’s already complained why can’t I wait till DC starts school in Sept 2022 before I start getting back into work.

So does DH not want to pay for childcare and would rather you do it all? Did he state this before you got married / had kids? Seems like this is the main issue that needs to be talked through and resolved. Otherwise I can see a lot of resentment building.

In the meantime, can you afford to pay for childcare from your income only? Maybe if you squeeze all the work into 2 days a week?

If you work evenings you will be shattered and DH will think it’s all fine.

But either way, it’s useless to try working with a 3 year old around. It’s so inefficient and incredibly stressful (as many of us remember from the two lockdowns!)

If he doesn’t think you should work then why is he complaining that you haven’t got paid?
He wants me to work. He just wants me to do it without his help. And if I can’t work without his help then I can’t work.

I don’t want to be harsh but your basically a single parent anyway. So what redeeming features does your dh have that makes it worth staying in this relationship?

OP no, in pre covid times it wasn’t normal for parents to struggle working with kids during the holidays. Post covid many more people are working from home and may decide they don’t need childcare if their kids are old enough and/or if they can juggle things with their partner. Not many people would regularly choose trying to juggle work with a toddler. We had to isolate a few weeks ago and i juggled working with looking after my 2 DC who are 3 and 6. I could attend short meetings and do some emails but really it was just treading water and not doing any meaningful work done whilst they were awake. I did a bit of schooling with DS1 and poor DS2 just had to follow suit/play/watch YouTube. It wasn’t a decision I could make sustainably on a regular basis.

Your DH sounds like an arse, I’m sorry he’s not more supportive of you working.

Remember as well that it isn't a unilateral decision for him about whether you work or not. Supportive couples would decide what's the long term best for each other. If you want to work, you can, same as him, and it's up to BOTH of you to sort the childcare out to enable you to have that choice. Many people with young children take a financial hit so that they don't sacrifice their career.

I think all jobs where you're employed would insist you have childcare in place whilst working. In my job the rules are up to 12 years old. I used to work for a family business and had a childminder in place. But you know I still feel bad years later for the number of times I said "go away I'm working" to a small DC when my hours overran. It's not their fault and they really don't understand I'd say until about 8 years old. I would just book a childminder and accept you're not going to earn as much between you for a while. But your dh is a complete arse for expecting you to work whilst looking after a 3 year old. People don't normally do that and most employers wouldn't allow it.

Do you have access to the money he earns?

Ask your DH why he thinks childcare exists? It's so parents can work. What an arsehole. He's shown himself he can't work with his child in the same room.

Maybe you could work when your DC is in bed but you'll be exhausted! When do you get a break?
Is there anybody you could suggest a childcare swap with as what you are doing now isn't tenable.

Your DH sounds like an arse, I’m sorry he’s not more supportive of you working.
When we met at university we were equal. I think if we’d stayed equal he would have been more supportive. But he’s been lucky with promotions etc and I’ve been unlucky and got rejected repeatedly. So he’s climbed the ladder and I’m still at the bottom trying to get my foot in the door. The result is that he’s highly paid and I’m not. So he’s reluctant to sacrifice any of his highly paid work hours to indulge my low paid ambitions.

1. You need to LTB he won't get better
2. All of the programmers on our team have worked from home for over 2 years (pre-Covid) as an open office environment with multiple interruptions and general noise meant they couldn't get through the projects