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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 16:25

@Redglitter I was open mouthed at his suggestion. I assume he doesn’t have kids.

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 14/07/2021 16:26

I've not bitten back, but I shouted so loudly and angrily at my kids they never did it again. Literally put them on the floor and yelled 'no, that hurts! Go away from me!'.

My dd apparently stopped the serial pusher at preschool recently when he shoved her off her chair at lunch. She jumped up and tackled him off his chair 🙈 apparently he hasn't pushed since. You can tell shes the youngest of 3!

ChampagneWorries · 14/07/2021 16:30

A relative of mine in 2015 had her child removed from her and was charged with assault when she bit her 8 year old child who had bit a much younger sibling.

The 8 year old went to her dads afew days later and he asked what had happened to her arm. He was advised by social services to not return the child to their mother.

The mum was charged for it and it took her 2 years for the child to be returned to her.

Porcupineintherough · 14/07/2021 16:31

I've voted YABU not because I think you should bite your toddler but because I think your current strategy is ineffective. You say that your biter thinks "time out" is a joke, so maybe try acting really cross with him. 2 is not so little that you dont understand when mum is absolutely fuming with you. Do you not have a "face of thunder w accompanying snarl" that you keep for very serious offences?

Steelesauce · 14/07/2021 16:36

@ChampagneWorries

A relative of mine in 2015 had her child removed from her and was charged with assault when she bit her 8 year old child who had bit a much younger sibling.

The 8 year old went to her dads afew days later and he asked what had happened to her arm. He was advised by social services to not return the child to their mother.

The mum was charged for it and it took her 2 years for the child to be returned to her.

Surely an 8 year old is old enough to be sat down and read the riot act and all of his favourite things removed? A toddler needs a short sharp shock, an 8 year old can have a week long punishment for that offence and understand why?
PollyPepper · 14/07/2021 16:37

@ChampagneWorries

A relative of mine in 2015 had her child removed from her and was charged with assault when she bit her 8 year old child who had bit a much younger sibling.

The 8 year old went to her dads afew days later and he asked what had happened to her arm. He was advised by social services to not return the child to their mother.

The mum was charged for it and it took her 2 years for the child to be returned to her.

Good.
Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 16:37

@Porcupineintherough I have tried shouting with an angry face. He just laughs. He is not frightened of me because I have never hurt him.

OP posts:
bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 16:40

@ChampagneWorries

A relative of mine in 2015 had her child removed from her and was charged with assault when she bit her 8 year old child who had bit a much younger sibling.

The 8 year old went to her dads afew days later and he asked what had happened to her arm. He was advised by social services to not return the child to their mother.

The mum was charged for it and it took her 2 years for the child to be returned to her.

If an 8 year old is biting I would imagine there is alot more going on in that household or with that child than just one bite from the mother.

This obviously isn't just a regular toddler biting scenario.

And social services would not have removed a child for 2 years based on one instance as you've described in that scenario. The child had marks on her arm enough to alarm her father. And enough for him to call social services.

ChampagneWorries · 14/07/2021 16:42

It was done in a quick retaliation i believe.

However she did it when her friend was there (the mums friend) and that friend lied for her in court (she was still found guilty).

Please dont bite your child. Its assault and just as bad as smacking them

Steelesauce · 14/07/2021 16:42

[quote Charmtaste]@Porcupineintherough I have tried shouting with an angry face. He just laughs. He is not frightened of me because I have never hurt him.[/quote]
I've never had to physically hurt my children to let them to know I'm furious with them.

fortifiedwithtea · 14/07/2021 16:46

My eldest bit a little playmate on 2 occasions. Different child each time but same consequence. Fun stopped instantly and marched home. Well I did the marching, DD1 was strapped in the pushchair. But she got the message .

Seen your photo you must be very upset by this Flowers

Has the biting twin had their eyes tested? Children with poor vision tend to mouth more.

Porcupineintherough · 14/07/2021 16:48

Children sometimes smile or laugh because they are nervous, I wouldnt immediately deduce that he is ok about you being angry with him if you are actuallybeing angry.

Suggest you try a furious face along with No.You.Do.Not.Bite in a very stern voice (you dont have to shout but dont use too many words either, try "No.Biting" if his understanding isnt good). Then straight into time out and no attention (use seoerate room or buggy if out and about) for 2 minutes. Each and every time.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/07/2021 16:48

OP I really do sympathise with you, your poor bitten DC! You must be at your wits end.

I think those advocating biting back or saying it worked on them/siblings/DC are coming from a place of "s/he doesn't understand that it hurts". The logic being that once DC understands it DOES hurt, they will stop biting.

But your list of reasons he bites:

  1. He wants something his brother has.
  2. He thinks it is funny, like blowing a raspberry.
  3. I am giving his brother attention.

So 2 out of those 3 triggers are clearly motivated by "malice" (although I'm not comfortable using that word about a 2yr old, but can't think of a more appropriate term.) He knows it hurts - that's (mainly) why he's doing it.

So showing him "this hurts" is not going to have any effect anyway!

I think a PPs suggestion of using toys to model the consequences of biting is really good. Luckily my DC never bit but I'm storing that idea for when he eventually gives me DGC!

From my point of view... I grew up in the early 70s. My younger sister was a biter. When I started school she was 2 and she became very bitey of me. It was a regular thing when I got home from school. She had had my mums attention all day and didn't want to share it! So if I was telling my mum "Today we did our alphabets" she would just lean over and bite me, really quite hard. One day my mum bit her! Yes it did stop the behaviour. BUT just because something has the desired outcome, doesn't mean it was the right thing to do.

I mean you could say "Well it worked" to more or less anything, but it wouldn't make it right. I could say "A woman gave me a shitty look in Tesco so I punched her in the face. She'll think twice next time lol" but I doubt anyone would pat me on the back and say well done!

As an aside, both my parents were physically and emotionally abusive. We were regularly smacked (not a tap on the leg, like a proper thrashing where it hurt to sit down after), given "thick ears" (i.e. smacking someone on the side of their head where their ear is, causing swelling and probably the cause of my lifelong tinnitus, thanks dad) and ocassional punches and kicks. And from talking to my friends at school, that was pretty much the norm for most of them. Perhaps my parents were a bit harsher than most. But I certainly didn't know a single child who wasn't smacked.

As a result we lived in fear. I didn't want my DC to grow up behaving well in sheer terror of the consequences of being naughty. I wanted him to grow up doing the right thing because he knew it was the right thing to do.

chitofftheshovel · 14/07/2021 16:49

My dd was a bighter to her older brother. I tried all sorts, time out, major attention to son after biting occurred and ignoring dd. Treats for son. Nothing worked....until I showed her just what biting felt like for the other person by biting her back. No long term damage, just a life lesson.

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 16:57

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
Thank you for your thoughtful and interesting post. You have given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Willowtree999 · 14/07/2021 17:03

My DD used to do this. I tried everything else then, in the end bit her. It was the only thing that stopped her.

TwoLeftElbows · 14/07/2021 17:13

So 2 out of those 3 triggers are clearly motivated by "malice" (although I'm not comfortable using that word about a 2yr old, but can't think of a more appropriate term.) He knows it hurts - that's (mainly) why he's doing it.

I think this is open to debate. Toddlers tend to have a lot less insight than we ascribe to them, even if they are highly verbal. Maybe frustration at being "thwarted". There's a lot of frustration and not getting what you want when you are 2, perhaps especially when you are a twin.

vixeyann · 14/07/2021 17:15

I was a biter...until my mum bit me once which apparently stopped me in my tracks. I feel neither abused or aggrieved because of it.

SheABitSpicyToday · 14/07/2021 17:16

After seeing your picture I would 100% bite him back. That’s heartbreaking that the other twin is having to live like that. I don’t usually agree with these sorts of things but I do think some kids to need that shock of experiencing themselves to get it and to stop. My mums brother used to hit her a lot, right up until they were teenagers and her parents never believed her how bad it was until they caught him. My grandad beat the living fuck out of him and he never did again. He’s a super vegan, love and peace type now.

copernicium · 14/07/2021 17:26

@Mayhemmumma

It doesn't 'work' any differently to smacking or otherwise hurting your child for bad behaviour.

And please remember if you leave teeth marks it is illegal.

Leaving any mark is illegal...
woodhill · 14/07/2021 17:30

I think it is giving them a taste of their own medicine if nothing else works

Hardbackwriter · 14/07/2021 17:33

My mums brother used to hit her a lot, right up until they were teenagers and her parents never believed her how bad it was until they caught him. My grandad beat the living fuck out of him and he never did again. He’s a super vegan, love and peace type now.

Probably because he's had a lot of therapy because of his super fucked-up family?

SheABitSpicyToday · 14/07/2021 17:40

Nope. Not a fucked up family at all. My grandparents had never smacked their kids. For some reason, my uncle had a horrible violent streak and even broke my mums arm. He quite a taste of his own medicine and never did it again.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 14/07/2021 17:44

I was lucky to not have little vampires and none of the other children in their playgroups seemed to do it, either.

But I do remember how I inadvertently put a stop to my nephew biting when I was 15 and he was 3. He was a very indulged child golden child of the golden child and when on holiday, the kid decided to let his full on 3 year old self show at considerable risk to himself (the holiday was for the benefit of his father, who had booked a caravan six foot away from the very deep and cold waters of a fishing lake) when I was given the task of babysitting whilst my brother, his wife and my mother fucked off went somewhere.

When I refused to let him out of the caravan to run straight into the Lake of Carp and Child Death (the adults had very intelligently left the door unlocked and not told me), he sank his teeth into my bare leg to make me let go of the door handle - I'd never been bitten before but he was very experienced in it from playgroup and with his Mum. I jumped because it was so fucking painful, completely accidentally kneed him in the chest in the process of jumping and sent him flying down the steps - face first into a pile of swan shit.

I seriously thought I was going to die when they got back. Instead, I got told not to worry about it, I hadn't meant to and if he was ever going to learn that biting people was a bad idea, finding himself in a heap on the ground with a face covered in bird guano was probably going to do it.

Apparently, he didn't ever bite again, not at home and not at Nursery.

When his little sister came along a couple of years later, his Mum heard him telling her not to bite 'because it's pooey'. Grin

Goatinthegarden · 14/07/2021 17:49

I have a clear memory from my childhood, I think I must have been 2 or 3 and i was sat in my mum’s lap. She had her face close to mine and I saw her nose and just bit it hard. I don’t know why I did it, but I remember being so shocked and upset when she screamed out in pain. It hadn’t occurred to me that it would hurt her.

Luckily, she didn’t bite me back. That experience was enough to make me realise biting wasn’t a good idea.