AIBU to not bite my child?

[Charmtaste]

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

@ConsuelaHammock

I think the” biting them advice “ works but obviously it’s not something you would want to do. I have never heard of it not working. It works because it bloody hurts. Children aren’t stupid. Actions have consequences and they don’t want it to happen again. As a last resort, I’d do it.

I worked as a day care manager and there's been at least six parents tell me to bite their child when their children have been biting other kids. All six of them insisted it's worked cos their child doesn't bite at home anymore, it clearly hadn't "worked", the child had just learnt not to but in front of their grandparents or parents who have bitten them.

My mother also bit my brother when he bit me and she will say it worked but in reality, the image of her biting my three year old brothers arm and his hurt face just made me not complain when he bit me again because I didn't want him being bitten as punishment. So it didn't work with him either.

The worse bite I've ever seen is on my own daughter when she was three after he cousin bit her, I do understand how upsetting it is to have your child bitten but I had to beg sil not to bite her toddler, and again, he'd been biting for months and her biting him back clearly didn't work either.

A kid bit my sleeping newborn baby at a toddler group once enough to draw blood and totally freak her, me and her brother out. The mum of the biter's reaction was to calmly offer me arnica, so clearly it was a common occurrence. She wasn't shocked or outraged, so from the biter's point of view, the behaviour was acceptable. Another mum told me 'oh she's always biting other kids.'

I certianly wouldn't bite back, but has it become such a normality that your response is no longer one of outrage and the DC now thinks it's okay? What do you do? Do you remove the child for a timeout? Break up the game? I fell like I would want to send a very strong signal that a line has been crossed.

Not easy!

The way I dealt with biting was to shout at the biter and immediately remove them to their cot. Before I left I would tell them they were there because they bit. I would give them 5 minutes or so in there on their own, they would be upset about this. Once the 5 minutes had passed, I would go in and ask them why they were there and state that biting is sore and we do not bite people. Then situation over.

I only had to do this a couple of times per child and they stopped.

You have my sympathies, biting is upsetting. My mum bit my sister when she was little and it worked, but I really didn’t want to bite my children.

I've not had to deal with this (yet...), but it does seem like strange advice. "Biting is wrong...I'll bit you to prove it." I don't have any advice to add to PP.

Biting can be so hard to deal with

But please please don’t bite your child. That would be abuse.
If an adult bites another person it’s assault.
Children learn from watching adults; if you bite / hit them they think they’re ok to do the same
And I personally would never get over the guilt of doing that to an innocent child no matter how much they’d bitten themselves.

If you’ve not done already, get them a dental appointment to check there’s no reason for the biting and then see the gp & health visitor (again if you have already)

I’ve been lucky enough not to have a biter but biting back was the perceived answer to the problem in the 70s and 80s.

My friends child was bitten and then he bit his mum the other day. I've never heard her raise her voice so loud, the talking to went on for ages until he burst into tears.

Answering a few questions:
He seems to bite for 3 reasons:

1. He wants something his brother has.
2. He thinks it is funny, like blowing a raspberry.
3. I am giving his brother attention.

I cannot contain him in a cot or playpen. He can climb out of both. The only place I could restrain him would be in a car seat. I have tried shouting at him, I have tried ignoring him. He just laughs. He does not seem to understand the pain he is causing.

Shocked at all the adults here that say they've witnessed adults biting children hard enough to leave marks or bruise!
My friends DD was a serious biter, would bite her younger siblings, even the baby. She bit me once and nearly broke the skin.
Her DD hated bathtime or water in her face, so she started squirting her with a water bottle like you would with a naughty cat. It sounds daft but apparently it worked really well and I can say I haven't been bitten or seen her bite in months.

I am more shocked at the amount of people so casual about their own children bitting, shrugging off and pretending a little "no" or time-out and waiting for them to grow out of it was enough.

When a bitter ends up bitting a baby, there's something very wrong.

If your child get bitten at nursery, you'd raise bloody murder with the nursery !

Can you create an incentive for not biting which he values? Star chart with end of day treat etc.

Sounds a bit like he's biting for attention, even if negative attention, so you'd want to minimise the attention he gets after a bite and reinforce him with attention and rewards when he behaves nicely (particularly in scenarios that could have prompted a bite).

My eldest would often hit out in frustration (also a hearing issue). He’s bitten on occasion too, but not a regular thing. He was more likely to hit.

The only thing we had that worked was look at him after the incident & saying calmly but firmly “we don’t hit/bite/kick. Hitting/biting/kicking hurts. No one will play with you if you hurt hit/bite/kick them”.

Then I’d literally turn away from him & make a fuss is of someone else so his brother. His dad. Even the dog 🤦‍♀️. & say how nicely there were playing etc.

After a couple of minutes (& that was enough as he was young). I’d invite him back in to play & we’d carry on.

It didn’t take long to sink in weirdly & we only picking it up off the internet as a last resort as it felt like we’d tried everything.

I think the reason it 'works' is because the biter suddenly realises it hurts.

Until then the biting is satisfying some need in them, frustrating, sensory need etc.
When they get bitten back the discover it hurts, they odn't want to be hurt and they don't actually want to hurt.

So try and get to that point in another way. Ask them to bit themselves, they will start and then go 'ow'
Show them, pretend to bite yourself and say Ow Ow Ow and rub the place hard.
etc

I can’t believe so many people think it’s ok to bite a toddler. It’s an assault. You’re also hammering home the message that he can’t bite but you can. It’s ridiculous and very poor advice.

@User5827372728

I stopped my hair puller by pulling his hair hard once!

Jesus christ.

I had a biter who was later diagnosed with autism. The only thing which made a difference, I think, was watching him like a hawk and stepping in with a "big" sensory experience just before, eg a hug or a tickling game. Deflecting/trying to distract with toys or words was useless. It's exhausting though.

I absolutely believe that hurting him back would have exacerbated it and confused him.

Big little feelings on Instagram is very helpful

it makes as much sense as discouraging food tipping on the floor by an adult to demonstrate not to tip food on the floor.

Right Oh. Yes, this is exactly the same thing.

I take it from that ridiculous statement you either don't have dc. Or you have one who has never continuously inflicted pain on another child, or one who has and you've taken the long winded lets talk about this and analyse your feelings for 12 months approach whilst he merrily continues to take chunks out of other children.

No one is condoning biting children. But sometimes a quick lesson in 'this is why we don't do this', stops the behaviour in its tracks.

I wouldn't put them in timeout in their cot either, as mentioned. I don't think putting them in their sleeping space should be seen as a punishment unless you want to add sleeping issues to your problems!

The picture is really bad. Poor twin being bitten. I know that doesn't help, sorry.

I don't think I could bring myself to bite my child either. Have you tried removing him from the room and saying a firm 'no' whenever he gives a signal he is going to bite or after he's bitten? Does he grind his teeth before he does it? I read on here yesterday that is a signal a biter is going to bite.

If you bite a toddler, he learns that your teeth hurt. He doesn't understand that his teeth hurt people, because his teeth don't hurt him, if you see what I mean. When I was fostering I had an incident with a small child who would bite, seemingly without malice, just a "Ooh there's an arm, I'll bite it", so it was difficult to stop him, because there wasn't any warning, such as him biting during a fight over a toy. I tried everything, and nothing worked. Eventually I said "No! your teeth have hurt Charlotte!" and I put his finger in his mouth and pushed his chin up so he bit his own finger. He didn't bite again.

Just to add...it was with his mum's permission!

I'm old enough to be in the 'old school' way of thinking, which is not what is popular or accepted today, but I think that a lot of the 'new' ideas on parenting styles etc mean that it does actually take longer to 'teach' your 'biter' simply because it takes longer for the child to have reached an age where they have an appropriate level of understanding.

I don't see this as a negative thing, but I do think that we need to 'reassess' the timescales when it comes to child development etc

i.e It used to be that nursery kids were 'expected' to have already been 'taught' not to bite/hit before they attended nursery, but nowadays, it's really not unusual to have several biters/hitters in a nursery setting, because they have not yet attained the level of understanding to know how their biting/hitting affects their peers.

So I don't think it should be 'expected' by nurseries that all the children should be able to not hit/bite.

It's not until we 'reassess' what behavior/ understanding is 'average' or 'normal' for how we parent today, rather than judging this by how people used to 'parent' in earlier generations, that we will be able to see what the new 'average' should be.

The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter
.
I cant get past this idea 😂

What could possibly go wrong 😂😂

That photo is heartbreaking.