To let our baby sleep in a guesthouse in the garden

[Zipfer]

We are in between moves and staying with family. Our family has a guesthouse (a kind of extended shed with a bedroom kitchenette and bathroom) in the garden about twenty metres at the end of the garden. The guesthouse is visible from the house.

In the evenings we have taken to putting our baby (6 months) to sleep in the guesthouse while we stay in the mainhouse. We have a baby monitor and the house is door is locked. We know the area. We are also sleeping on the guesthouse.

DW and I both agree that this is safe as the risk is low. However, thinking about other famous cases (not drawing a parallel), we think it might be odd to let our baby sleep in a different building for part of the evening. Would you consider this sufficiently safe to allow your baby sleep in this situation?

I think you misunderstand my point. As others have pointed out, all parents expose their children to risks (they go in a car, they take their children on holiday, they leave their children with childminders) and these all present a risk. Many of these risks are unnecessary. Therefore a zero-risk approach to childcare is impossible.

And there is why you asked the question in the first place. You seem to misunderstand risk analysis. Most parents would normally get that instinctively. You are not working on instinct. You are doing what makes you feel happier/easier for you and know deep down no that's not quite right. Same as letting a 6 month old sleep with a 'trusted' family dog. The risk is of harm is low but without the dog, the risk is lower again. So why on earth add that extra element of risk?? Who does it benefit. Put your baby beside you and bring them down the garden when you are going, what real difference will it make to you? The fact you asked, thankfully suggests that you at least are more aware than others surrounding the child.

@DancyNancy

Jesus the amount of people who didn't read this properly and thought OP was putting baby to bed in a shed for the whole night alone.....come on! Read it properly it's all there in the OP.

For the record I would feel uncomfortable with it. Not sure exactly why but just know I would feel unsettled

I've read it. Would still feel uncomfortable with it. To me it would be like letting my baby sleep in the garage for a couple of hours. I know there's no reason it's less safe in the garage but it doesn't feel right.

I honestly feel like I might just be a shit mum? Because my instinct is that I'd be fine with this. And as someone replied to me earlier in the thread that it's only for 6 months that you've got to keep the sleeping baby with you all the time - my immediate feeling is that I loved having the break after under 6 month old DD had gone to bed upstairs in the evening...

Yes my ‘tree fall’ was indeed ‘next level’ but I have owned a garden shed under a tree before and have experience ! Personal aspect there, agreed.

What is ventilation like? Are windows left open? Last night my bedroom was too hot to sleep, I had window open but had to put a fan on. My DH went out to the shed and said it was like an oven. If windows are open is it secure, if windows are shut how hot is it.

There are lots of things to consider and ultimately why take the risk?

Ask Children’s Services what they think if you’re not sure, OP? No? Whyever not?!

Is it standard practice to ring them up to ask general parenting questions?

As it is AIBU, it goes with the territory that one is criticised, but I do find it strange that so many people are criticising us as parents, when I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here.

@Zipfer

Ask Children’s Services what they think if you’re not sure, OP? No? Whyever not?!

Is it standard practice to ring them up to ask general parenting questions?

As it is AIBU, it goes with the territory that one is criticised, but I do find it strange that so many people are criticising us as parents, when I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here.

It's not a question of right or wrong, just how much risk there is. And it seems line you've framed it as "this is our only option" when it's not, it's just the most convenient option. Which riles some people up.

I would personally find it too risky. I can hear noises in my house through hallways and internal walls. Our monitor isn't totally real time, it has a few seconds delay, so that would worry me. I think it's also the mental barrier that's created when something is in another building or dwelling.
Theoretically, putting a baby to sleep in a flat by themselves and staying in the flat next door should be fine if you're OK with your setup, but the two front doors with locks, and the increased sense of separation would make a lot of people hesitate.

@CassandrasCastle

I honestly feel like I might just be a shit mum? Because my instinct is that I'd be fine with this. And as someone replied to me earlier in the thread that it's only for 6 months that you've got to keep the sleeping baby with you all the time - my immediate feeling is that I loved having the break after under 6 month old DD had gone to bed upstairs in the evening...

I'll join you in the shit mum club! I often feel like there's almost a competitive aspect to being an anxious mother on MN, where you win if you're the most anxious because it proves you love your kids the most. Ironically, given the focus on minimising all possible harms, it's not a parenting style that is very good for children; it's known that parental anxiety greatly increases the risk of the child themselves having an anxiety disorder.

@Hardbackwriter Hurrah, glad you can join me! I would never start a thread on MN detailing my parenting, I feel like I'd be immediately set upon. Of course I get anxious about things too, it's not like I'm swanning around with not a care in the world, stuff DD...🙈 But the absolute disgust that some of these posters show towards the OP because of the situation described baffles and slightly depresses me :/

It never even occurred to me to lie in the dark next to sleeping DD of an evening 😬 I'm not mocking that, each to their own...but I think I would've gone mad doing that from 7.30 every night

Why would they need to lie in the dark? You can have chairs in a bedroom or a kitchenette. Did it ever occur to you to lock a six month old baby in a building with no one else there?

Each to their own indeed.

I've not read the thread 😁, it's probably morphed into goat herders jackets in Afghanistan by now, but... No.

All sorts of reasons however the biggest one for me would be fasle widow spiders.

There has been an absolute explosion in numbers, they adore garden structures, they used to be said to have a bite as bad as a bee, but the thinking has massively changed on that and many people I personally know have had extremely nasty bites.

So no.

@CassandrasCastle

It never even occurred to me to lie in the dark next to sleeping DD of an evening 😬 I'm not mocking that, each to their own...but I think I would've gone mad doing that from 7.30 every night

I suppose you should be thankful you've never suffered from severe postnatal anxiety then requiring therapy and medication.

it's known that parental anxiety greatly increases the risk of the child themselves having an anxiety disorder.

And nonsense like this isn't something a new mum with severe anxiety needs to read. But thanks for adding to my intense guilt ...

@Hardbackwriter

Also, if you have any links to research that backs up your claims, I'd love to read it so I can make my own judgement about that.

I wouldn’t do this. I don’t think it’s horrendously unsafe, but the thought of a locked door between me and my baby would make me too twitchy.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this however I think a lot of people have misread and think you aren't sleeping in there with the baby which of course you are!
I don't think I would be able to relax but everyone's different.

It's a well known and established fact that parents with anxiety disorders are considerably more likely to have children with anxiety disorders - it's less clear whether that's genetic, behavioural, environmental or (as seems most likely) some combination. See, for instance: scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=Anxious+parent+effect+on+child&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3DWEOLSQYcVQ0J

But there's lots of research on this, and it's mostly focused on why anxiety is passed down; that it often is isn't in dispute.

I'm sorry if you found it upsetting. I actually have a history of severe anxiety myself, and knowing this is exactly why I have made tackling my own anxiety and not modelling it to my children one of my most important aims as a parent.

@Hardbackwriter

It's a well known and established fact that parents with anxiety disorders are considerably more likely to have children with anxiety disorders - it's less clear whether that's genetic, behavioural, environmental or (as seems most likely) some combination. See, for instance: scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=Anxious+parent+effect+on+child&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3DWEOLSQYcVQ0J

But there's lots of research on this, and it's mostly focused on why anxiety is passed down; that it often is isn't in dispute.

I'm sorry if you found it upsetting. I actually have a history of severe anxiety myself, and knowing this is exactly why I have made tackling my own anxiety and not modelling it to my children one of my most important aims as a parent.

It's also a well known and established fact that parents who seek support with their anxiety (for example via therapy and/or medication) are less likely to see a negative impact on their children. Hence why I am doing this. But in any case, I hardly think sitting with my 3 month old DD whilst she falls asleep and choosing to stay close to her at this time is going to impact her negatively. It's not as though I'm having an emotional meltdown all over the place. I'm just making sure I'm close to my baby. I fail to see how this impacts her negatively.

But in any case, I hardly think sitting with my 3 month old DD whilst she falls asleep and choosing to stay close to her at this time is going to impact her negatively. It's not as though I'm having an emotional meltdown all over the place. I'm just making sure I'm close to my baby. I fail to see how this impacts her negatively.

It's more likely to decrease her anxiety by knowing she has a secure attachment to her parent and give her more confidence. There is also research to support this.

Lying next to your kids while they sleep isn't practical for everyone, but it's the biological norm. It's still the cultural norm in a lot of the world. It's nice to go to sleep next to someone else. I don't know why people feel the need to sneer at it or suggest it stems from anxiety.

It's also a well known and established fact that parents who seek support with their anxiety (for example via therapy and/or medication) are less likely to see a negative impact on their children. Hence why I am doing this.

I completely agree. Which is exactly why I wasn't criticising you or anything you've done, I was criticising the tendency on MN to valorise parental anxiety, to see it as a sign you care for your children and to criticise parents who are loving and engaged but who don't feel disproportionate anxiety and who take small and considered risks. I actually do think that's very harmful, and I see it a lot on here (and this thread is a prime example). As I say I've worked long and hard (as you're now doing, too) to treat my anxiety and I can find it quite triggering that so many posters on MN insist that the only way to properly love your child is to exist in a constant state of fear for them. I don't think it helps to create healthy attitudes.

No, I couldn't. Although I always kept the children in my sight, I would go to bed with them early. They slept in my room until 18 months. I'm OTT🙈

I can find it quite triggering that so many posters on MN insist that the only way to properly love your child is to exist in a constant state of fear for them. I don't think it helps to create healthy attitudes.

I agree that this isn't a healthy approach at all. Living in a constant fear is no fun for either party. I think there's a healthy middle ground to be had when it comes to parental anxiety, definitely. I recognise that mine is currently skewed too far towards over anxious and very risk averse - I need to work on pulling it back a little to a healthier middle point. But equally, I believe that some degree of anxiety is a healthy and natural part of motherhood.

We had a house fire years ago. All got out safely, but the house burnt down in 15 minutes. It was so quick.

Since then I've been more weary.

I would still probably do this though. I just wouldn't lock the door!

Just as a side note not to terrify anyone. The reason it burnt down so quickly was because it was summer and all the windows were open and I left all the doors in the house open (we all just ran without thinking!)

Shut all windows and doors in a fire. It really makes a massive difference!