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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To deny hubby sex after child birth

112 replies

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 20:38

Hey . This is a really difficult one and I already feel I am being unreasonable.

We were blessed with our first baby boy back in December. A big healthy boy, >10lb, who is our world.

Hubby and I had a babysitter for my birthday 2 months ago and made love for the first time since J was born. I just felt flat and I didn't feel a thing.

We have tried a few times since but it had got to the point where I have lost interest. At the weekend I was tired and refused him :(.

I have spoken to my Dr who has said I need to keep doing my pelvic floor exercises and give it time.

My Q is, AIBU to reject him just because it does not feel good for me?

OP posts:

Sunshinedrops85 · 12/07/2021 20:40

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/07/2021 20:41

Use it or lose it was my moto after realising I hadn't had sex for ages. Give yourself time to start thinking about yourself as desirable again.

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/07/2021 20:41

YANBU to not have sex for any reason.

Obviously if it's an issue and bothering you then it needs resolved. Are you getting enough sleep, does DH do a fair share of housework etc so you're able to relax and switch off from "mum mode"? Does he pay attention to you in such a way that you feel emotionally connected so it's not just nothing nothing nothing let's have sex?

MaskingForIt · 12/07/2021 20:42

You’re not unreasonable, but a sexless marriage is unlikely to last, unless both parties want it that way.

Do your PF exercises, and masturbate to work out what feels good.

1940s · 12/07/2021 20:42

Of course you're not unreasonable!!
You can do whatever you want to with your body.

It is also not unreasonable for your husband to not want to be in a long term relationship with no sex or sexual intimacy.

I'd say that to either woman or man

Aqua55 · 12/07/2021 20:46

Not unreasonable to refuse sex, but equally, he wouldn't be unreasonable to leave you and find someone who he is compatible with sexually if it were to ve a permanent thing.

chickenninja · 12/07/2021 20:48

It's really common to lose your libido when you've got a baby, especially if you are breastfeeding. They say it's mother natures contraception.

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 20:49

@Aqua55

Not unreasonable to refuse sex, but equally, he wouldn't be unreasonable to leave you and find someone who he is compatible with sexually if it were to ve a permanent thing.

I really don't want that. I love him very much. It is just hard 😪

OP posts:

shouldistop · 12/07/2021 20:50

I'd suggest talking to him honestly about it.

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 20:53

A friend said the say but I just worry he will feel bad. It is not anything he can do anything about

OP posts:

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 12/07/2021 20:54

@Aqua55 what they said….

You are of course not unreasonable, however sex is a huge part of a relationship…. You say reject? How would your DH feel by being rejected?
Talk to him…. Take time…. Yes you don’t have to rush into sex however it is 7 months post partum so your DH quite rightly might be questioning things…. So talk too him. See how he feels, talk about how you feel

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 12/07/2021 20:55

I agree about breastfeeding lowering lots of women’s libidos. Also I felt very ‘touched out’ with young children and found it weird to get back in the swing of it. But (and no one should ever do anything they don’t want to) I and my friends found, the less you have, the less you want. Always worth a shot at trying to get back in to the zone and you might find it all feels natural again.

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2021 20:57

It took me a year to get my libido back. And I absolutely adore DH.

The exhaustion the healing process it took me a while to want sex or to be touched with breast feeding and having a baby on me constantly.

I really missed the intimate connection with DH during that time and was worried we’d never get that connection back but we have.

I think it’s just going to take time. A small baby really makes massive demands on your body.

You need to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel, and both work on maintaining your relationship and navigating parenting.

RosesandPumpkins · 12/07/2021 20:58

I know this isn’t the given advice but when I was in this situation with my much loved DH. I still dtd despite not getting much out of it. I did it for him to meet his needs.
My libido slowly came back but it took a while.

I’m not saying this is right in your situation. And I’m likely to be flamed for it. But in the same way we will go to a steak restaurant when I’m not a fan of steak or watch an action film that I’m not into. I do it because I value my partner.

He also does shit he doesn’t like for me btw like go to see a film he’s not into or eat meat free.

Conkergame · 12/07/2021 20:58

OP YANBU but you need to communicate clearly with your husband so he understands why you’re not up for it - that it’s not him/you still love him, but your body has been through a huge change and needs to readjust.

If he’s a decent guy then he’ll understand you need time. You can then hopefully relax and do the pelvic floor exercises / work out what makes you feel sexy and can work towards enjoying it again.

Good luck

saleorbouy · 12/07/2021 20:59

Rejection of every sexual advance is not going to be a great feeling for your hubby. Equally not feeling on form for sex will not be easy for you. You both need to have a conversation about how you progress so that you can establish some form of sexual relationship that I presume existed prior to the birth of your DS.
One sided relationships with incompatible sexual desires and satisfaction rarely stay the course. It's alway hard with new DC but "your" relationship as a couple is equally important to sustain a happy family life long term.

Lavender24 · 12/07/2021 21:00

The first time I had sex after childbirth I couldn't feel a thing 😂 that was only five weeks pp though and I had nerve damage. By about seven months pp and a LOT of pelvic floor exercises everything was feeling a lot more muscular and functional.

Of course everyone heals differently (mentally and physically) but I do agree with the poster who said use it or lose it. I definitely don't have the sex drive I did pre baby but I do make the effort to have sex about once a week because I don't want to lose that part of our relationship and I do enjoy it once it's happening.

YANBU to not have sex and if you really don't want to but your relationship will suffer. I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your DH if you haven't already and explain how you're feeling and maybe suggest to him things that might make it more enjoyable for you.

Everydayimhuffling · 12/07/2021 21:00

Not unreasonable,but I would want my partner to be working on it because it wouldn't work for me long term. So doing pelvic floor exercises, masturbating, connecting physically in other ways, other kinds of sex (for both of you) etc. Has your doctor referred you or are you just seeing your GP? I would ask for a referral if you haven't had one already: it's been 6 months

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:01

My libido was raging on that first night out. I knew things would feel different after having a baby but I didn't expect to lose all feeling :(. The romance us still there and I never thought I would say this but the physical side make a difference:(

OP posts:

sodthefootball · 12/07/2021 21:01

I didn't feel a thing.

Just physically, or emotionally too?

Muststopeating · 12/07/2021 21:02

If he is a reasonable person then talk to him. Explain your struggling. You can do that without making it about him. Feeling pressured isn't going to help anything.

I had a terrible libido pre kids (turns out it was the pill and when I came off it everything changed). Are you on any hormonal contraception?

Could you try any of the following with him, with the agreement that sex is off the cards but just being close to each other so there is no pressure.

Naked cuddles at night.
Massage? Take it in turns.
Playing with toys. (You could do this by yourself or together).
A night away in a hotel just the two of you? Or failing that just a dinner date just the two of you where you can have grown up conversation?

Hopefully that closeness may get you going. Agree with others though, if you are knackered all day and there is very little intimacy or affection until its 'game time' then it is not at all shocking that you aren't in the mood.

Summerfun54321 · 12/07/2021 21:02

Physically or emotionally you’re not into it? How’s your relationship generally? If he’s not pulling his weight with the baby and the housework that can be a massive turn off.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 12/07/2021 21:02

It's worse if you're breastfeeding OP.

I'm sure there are some women who went back to active sex lives straight away (and good for them) but I spent over a year not being interested at all. It's slowly coming back to where we were pre babies and my youngest is nearly 2.

This is a very difficult area to talk about with your other half but be open, remind him your body has been through a lot in the last year and a half, your hormones are still probably doing a lot of work, and being 'touched out' is a huge thing.

Plus I don't know how active/involved your other half is in parenting/household stuff but there is nothing less attractive than having to do every-fucking-thing and be grabbed and sucked all day by kids then your DH casually suggest doing it...

I found I was much more in the mood when he'd spent time trying to help me out, done some housework for me or taken the kids to give me a break.
Plus trying to spend some decent adult time connecting as individuals and not just talking about the baby when he's asleep.

Hope things get better for you soon OP.

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:02

OP posts:

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:03

@sodthefootball

I didn't feel a thing.

Just physically, or emotionally too?

Physically:( I know that sounds horrible

OP posts:

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