Page 2 | To deny hubby sex after child birth

JakesMum88 · 2021-07-12T19:38:40+00:00

Hey . This is a really difficult one and I already feel I am being unreasonable. We were blessed with our first baby boy back in December. A big healthy boy, >10lb, who is our world. Hubby and I had a babysitter for my birthday 2 months ago and made love for the first time since J was born. I just felt flat and I didn't feel a thing. We have tried a few times since but it had got to the point where I have lost interest. At the weekend I was tired and refused him :(. I have spoken to my Dr who has said I need to keep doing my pelvic floor exercises and give it time. My Q is, AIBU to reject him just because it does not feel good for me?

20viona · 12/07/2021 21:04

I really struggled for over a year due to post birth issues but I used to force myself once a month of so to try. I had an op to help with scar tissue at 18months pp and it changed my life. We now have sex 1-2 times a week which is more than we ever have to be honest! YANBU at all but to me finding that sexual relationship again has done us the world of good.

bellsbuss · 12/07/2021 21:05

@RosesandPumpkins I'm the same as you , sex is a huge part of our relationship and I know if I kept rejecting DP that he would be hurt and we would lose our closeness. If I really didn't want to do it I probably wouldn't but I know most times I always get into and feel glad that we did.

Christmasfairy2020 · 12/07/2021 21:06

You can buy something that goes inside u got pelvic floor. It ye it never is the same. He will notice as well but just won't have said x

shouldistop · 12/07/2021 21:06

A friend said the say but I just worry he will feel bad. It is not anything he can do anything about

He'll feel worse if you reject him without telling him why. He can do something about it too.
I had my second dc in December and am still breastfeeding, also had a terrible delivery which I don't think I'm fully healed from. My libido is almost non existent. Dh has been giving me massages or just kissing my back and neck (which he knows relaxes me) without the expectation of sex, and a few times I've felt relaxed enough to have sex now. He also makes sure I get a full nights sleep every second night and gives expressed milk if the baby needs a feed that night.

CharlotteRose90 · 12/07/2021 21:06

Some women want sex straight away and some don’t it’s completely normal either way. It’s not even been a year and you don’t feel ready that’s fine but you need to talk to him about it. Don’t force yourself when you won’t enjoy it. It takes time especially when you have
A baby to look after and you’re exhausted.

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:06

@Everydayimhuffling

Not unreasonable,but I would want my partner to be working on it because it wouldn't work for me long term. So doing pelvic floor exercises, masturbating, connecting physically in other ways, other kinds of sex (for both of you) etc. Has your doctor referred you or are you just seeing your GP? I would ask for a referral if you haven't had one already: it's been 6 months

It was hard to see GP due to the current covid situation and he was very dismissive. Sent me away to do PFE

OP posts:

rainbowfairydust · 12/07/2021 21:09

If you can't feel anything physically then maybe there is some nerve damage, you said you felt like you wanted sex, just that you didn't feel anything physically. Might be worth looking into getting a check up and making sure everything is at is should be after birth, and perhaps see if there is anything you can do to improve the feelings down there...

Fleetw00d · 12/07/2021 21:10

My libido has massively dropped due to tiredness, having a 3 month old cock block in the bedroom, having so much to do round the house etc. However we have found that instead of having sex which we still do just less than before we do a lot of non penetrative sex. Get yourself a small vibrator (just one for the clit area as opposed to a whole life size penis situation) and spend time together with you using that, doing some stuff to him orally and vice versa etc. I've found since having a baby everything that was 'sexy' and turned me on went, my vagina in my mind was just a reproductive organ that birthed my child and my boobs which my oh loves to play with is now her food source, so nothing was really working for me like it did before. It does get easier but it's very much led by him and when he wants it, I'm hoping once I stop breastfeeding and baby is in her own room I'll start to feel like I did before, good luck.
Oh and yanbu at at all, your body has been through a lot and your hormones are still haywire!!

oblada · 12/07/2021 21:14

What do you mean you felt nothing? Sex isn't just one thing - did you not feel anything with foreplay or was it just with penetration that you didn't enjoy it? If it's the latest but you still have some sexual desire then there are loads of things to explore and do for the time being and do your pelvic floor exercise for your own sake anyway. If you have lost all physical desire then it could take a bit longer. Personally i don't think I did much with my husband for about a year after the birth of each child and also for part of each pregnancy. We've had 4 kids so it's a lot of time of no sex but we've made up for it in between and have intimacy in other ways.and over a lifetime together it really won't matter much. You need to talk to your DH.

GreyEyedWitch · 12/07/2021 21:15

My DS is a month older and we started having sex when I was 9 weeks PP. It was uncomfortable the first time and it took a while for it to feel good. I'd say the sensation is still improving. Did you have forceps? Hang in there OP.

babyblues21 · 12/07/2021 21:16

OP you're not on your own at all. I was honestly about to start a similar thread. Baby is 3 months and I just do not remotely want DP anywhere near me sexually. I love him dearly, and sex was a very active and significant part of our pre baby life. But right now I can't think of anything I want less. I just don't see myself as a sexual being at all (and this is very strange because my libido was through the roof pre pregnancy and even during pregnancy!) So it makes no sense and doesn't feel at all like "me", but I just can't help it. I'm breastfeeding and I know that can affect libido but I just feel so unsexual, full stop. I'm not sure how much longer DP is going to put up with it 😥

babyblues21 · 12/07/2021 21:17

Oh I also had episiotomy and forceps... down below feels normal again after 3 months. But I still don't want sex. It's an emotional think for me rather than physical I think.

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:21

@GreyEyedWitch

My DS is a month older and we started having sex when I was 9 weeks PP. It was uncomfortable the first time and it took a while for it to feel good. I'd say the sensation is still improving. Did you have forceps? Hang in there OP.

No. No complications or interventions at all :(

OP posts:

Original poster

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 21:22

@babyblues21

OP you're not on your own at all. I was honestly about to start a similar thread. Baby is 3 months and I just do not remotely want DP anywhere near me sexually. I love him dearly, and sex was a very active and significant part of our pre baby life. But right now I can't think of anything I want less. I just don't see myself as a sexual being at all (and this is very strange because my libido was through the roof pre pregnancy and even during pregnancy!) So it makes no sense and doesn't feel at all like "me", but I just can't help it. I'm breastfeeding and I know that can affect libido but I just feel so unsexual, full stop. I'm not sure how much longer DP is going to put up with it 😥

I understand how you feel :(

OP posts:

Naunet · 12/07/2021 21:26

@Aqua55

Not unreasonable to refuse sex, but equally, he wouldn't be unreasonable to leave you and find someone who he is compatible with sexually if it were to ve a permanent thing.

Of course he would be unreasonable, she’s just had his baby! Are men’s dicks prioritised even in that situation?

MissChanandlerBong22 · 12/07/2021 21:29

Personally, I had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever - in fact I had the opposite of a sex drive, the thought of it made me shudder - for around 12-14 months after giving birth. We tried at around 6 months and I had to ask DH to stop - I wasn’t into it at all.

Then when I stopped breastfeeding, my periods came back and I was finally getting a respectable amount of sleep, my sex drive returned and sex was actually more enjoyable than before.

Thankfully my DH was very patient.

babyblues21 · 12/07/2021 21:31

I found I was much more in the mood when he'd spent time trying to help me out, done some housework for me or taken the kids to give me a break.

See, this doesn't even help me. DP does a lot around the house when he gets home from work and he even helps with the night feeds for the baby then goes to work next day etc. It makes no difference how much he helps practically. I still don't want to have sex. Makes me feel shit :(

Cloudninenine · 12/07/2021 21:33

You don’t have to have sex unless you want to. That is always true without reservation.

mayblossominapril · 12/07/2021 21:34

I think it’s perfectly normal to not want sex for quite a while after having a baby. Not quite sure why posters are saying you should just get on with it in case he leaves, if you were saying you didn’t want sex for any other reason people would be saying
My baby was born in august she was a vbac and I had an episiotomy. I had sex twice since. DH would like some sex, but is understanding and not pushy about it. He’s not saint, there’s a whole list of faults but grumping for lack of sex thankfully isn’t one of them.
The desire does return if they don’t hassle you , when you’ve weaned if bf and when they sleep a bit longer.

Naunet · 12/07/2021 21:37

I’ve written this on another thread today, and OP, Im not sure this applies to you so much, but based on other posts, I wanted to add it.

There is so much pressure on women to get back into sex after having a baby, men have needs and all that. Well so do women, and it’s very normal not to want sex after giving birth.

Think about it from an evolutionary point of view, when mothers of almost any species, have young that are dependent on them, they don’t mate again. It’s natures contraception in order to give your body time to heal and your baby the best chance of survival. It’s natures way to stop you being constantly pregnant, it doesn’t know we have contraception now!

Whilst there’s a lot of talk of men’s needs, women’s are just as important, and no relationship should be a one way street. Men also need to put their partners needs first sometimes, and this would be one of those times.

Oatsamazing · 12/07/2021 21:38

My baby is 9 months old and I'm feeling the same, I'm trying to have sex with my partner every few weeks as I want to do it for him but I've also tried to explain how the hormones caused by breastfeeding are making me feel and the lack of sleep. I also feel like the romance has gone a bit, just because we don't have anywhere near as much time as we used to and are always tired. I've let him know he needs to ramp up the romance in order to get me in the mood and that makes me happier about having sex, but I'm not physically enjoying it. It did start to improve a tiny bit then I started getting slack about doing my pelvic floor exercises and it seems to have stopped improving so I'm trying to get back to them. I think if I work hard at them I'll want to have sex just to check on my progress

Callybrate · 12/07/2021 21:38

It took me eleven months for it to not feel horrible again. And I had a C section. My body just didn't want to. I wouldn't even start worrying before a year - and I was so sure beforehand we'd be back at it within a month or so lol.

babyblues21 · 12/07/2021 21:39

@Naunet

I’ve written this on another thread today, and OP, Im not sure this applies to you so much, but based on other posts, I wanted to add it.

There is so much pressure on women to get back into sex after having a baby, men have needs and all that. Well so do women, and it’s very normal not to want sex after giving birth.

Think about it from an evolutionary point of view, when mothers of almost any species, have young that are dependent on them, they don’t mate again. It’s natures contraception in order to give your body time to heal and your baby the best chance of survival. It’s natures way to stop you being constantly pregnant, it doesn’t know we have contraception now!

Whilst there’s a lot of talk of men’s needs, women’s are just as important, and no relationship should be a one way street. Men also need to put their partners needs first sometimes, and this would be one of those times.

I know this was aimed at the OP, but thank you - it's helped me too as my situation is very similar with a 3 month old x

TheFoundations · 12/07/2021 21:41

I'm not sure that viewing it as 'denying' him something is very helpful. It's not something he's entitled to. It's a big and important part of a relationship, yes, but not as big as relating to each other. The idea that he wants and you say no doesn't suggest that the two of you are trying to relate to each other on this issue. He needs to know how you feel. Or how you don't feel.

Bodgers · 12/07/2021 21:41

I’ve been through what you’re going through. It will get back on track, breastfeeding, tiredness and adjustment to the mum role definitely taking their toll on a lot of people’s sex lives. Until you are really feeling into it again, you could consider other ways than penetrative sex to be intimate with DH, if that’s something you’re comfortable doing.