To deny hubby sex after child birth

[JakesMum88]

Hey . This is a really difficult one and I already feel I am being unreasonable.

We were blessed with our first baby boy back in December. A big healthy boy, >10lb, who is our world.

Hubby and I had a babysitter for my birthday 2 months ago and made love for the first time since J was born. I just felt flat and I didn't feel a thing.

We have tried a few times since but it had got to the point where I have lost interest. At the weekend I was tired and refused him :(.

I have spoken to my Dr who has said I need to keep doing my pelvic floor exercises and give it time.

My Q is, AIBU to reject him just because it does not feel good for me?

It sounds like your body is still healing.

Pregnancy is effectively one massive trauma. Don't underestimate the damage it can cause, or the work required to get your body back into a functioning condition.

You said you didn't feel anything physically only, which suggests that the emotional connection/intimacy is still there? I'd be honest with your DH and explain that you don't have sensation back yet and want to explore non-penetrative forms of sex and intimacy whilst you're recovering.

Taking PIV off the table temporarily is very different to ruling out sex and intimacy altogether.

As most men struggle with a cold i would imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and their genitals had been torn and stretched and nerve endings damaged, then subjected to sleep deprivation for several months, sex would be last thing they would be in the mood for. Women have been conditioned to believe we should be giving into sex post birth as it jeopardises the relationship. No, men should realise that sexual desire changes sometimes and that they need to foster intimacy and closeness without sex in the first few months after childbirth

@IceLace100

I might get flamed for this... but I'd honestly just give him a blowy / hand job every now and then.

It's not much hard work. Keeps him happy and there's less pressure on you.

And frankly it easier than having a shit relationship with the risk of him leaving with a small baby.

This post made me feel so sad.

100% yes to doing your PFE. Do them religiously and if your aren’t sure go and see a women’s health physio. Getting the tone back in your muscles can only help and will also help prevent unpleasant incontinence issues in later life.

If you have desire then definitely concentrate on non PIV sex for a while as it’s definitely true that having sex increases your desire for sex (consensual obviously).

You’ll get there but DO THE EXERCISES!!!

I agree with do the exercises!! It's everything contracting that feels good, the stronger those contractions the better it feels and when you've just pushed a huge baby out your foof those muscles aren't doing it like they were before. I remember the same after my 9lb+er. Keep giving yourself orgasms too as I found that helped even though they weren't as good for a while. It did all come back though and is now as good as ever.

You're not denying him because he's not entitled. Communication is absolutely key though so that he understands your body is still recovering from giving birth to a huge baby and it's not a rejection of him. Would you enjoy massage perhaps to keep the intimacy up? Perhaps some mutual masturbation if you're up for that or maybe using a vibrator as it's more intense stimulation might work better at this point?

You're not denying him because he's not entitled

Agree - what's off here is the language and how it betrays that you have internalised certain roles. That is not healthy.

If PIV sex isn't going to work for you right now, then do something else, and wait for your body to heal fully.

It's more tricky if you feel no desire for your DH though (which is something that hormones can do to you for a while after childbirth) When that is the case, then spoken communication between the two of you becomes really important.

Because physical contact matters, on so many levels. And the best way to get through this is together

You say you want to do other stuff, and feel desire. I think it'll all come back, once you start

@Flapjak

As most men struggle with a cold i would imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and their genitals had been torn and stretched and nerve endings damaged, then subjected to sleep deprivation for several months, sex would be last thing they would be in the mood for. Women have been conditioned to believe we should be giving into sex post birth as it jeopardises the relationship. No, men should realise that sexual desire changes sometimes and that they need to foster intimacy and closeness without sex in the first few months after childbirth

Totally agree with all of this.

@IceLace100

I might get flamed for this... but I'd honestly just give him a blowy / hand job every now and then.

It's not much hard work. Keeps him happy and there's less pressure on you.

And frankly it easier than having a shit relationship with the risk of him leaving with a small baby.

OP I think the main thing I'm getting is the issue you had was physically you felt no or reduced sensation, despite mentally wanting to.

Its very common to feel reduced libido, as others have said, but that doesn't sound like the main issue. I know you said you had no complications, but just because things weren't picked up, esp with a 10lb baby, doesn't mean there weren't any. I was investigated for nerve damage after a bad tear. I had massively reduced feeling on the scar, but it eventually came back, however they were concerned when I mentioned I'd felt no pain at all as there was a risk of no sensation at all. I know women who had minor surgery after childbirth as their sexual function was reduced due to scar tissue not initially picked up.

I think you need to push for a referral, or maybe pay privately if that's an option, and be clear on what the issue is. Yes, pelvic floor exercises can help, but not necessarily with no sensation. You really need a proper assessment. I'd also be open with your husband: say you're worried you may have had an undiagnosed birth injury, you're missing the closeness and physical intimacy and you hope you will be able to resume it soon. I had a bad tear and a non-sleeping breastfeeding baby and neither of us were especially pushed before a year, though funnily enough the only people I felt pressured into sex by was my pelvic floor physio team who kept asking me as they wanted to assess if the tear had damaged that side of things!

Don't focus on your husband, focus on you. You were excited at the idea of sex, and didn't physically feel what you expected to. It could be things are adjusting, it could be you need some support. I'd push for assessment by experts and see what that tells you.

Sorry that was meant to be in response to @IceLace100

What's the big deal about giving a partner the occasional handjob? Takes ten mins, keeps him happy, no guilt or internal pressure to have sex until you fancy it again. Chance to physically recover. Can start having sex again whenever you fancy it without it becoming a "big thing" in your own head. Win win.

Just being practical here!

People going on about coercion are being a bit daft. There is no suggestion of coercion from her partner at all. Frankly a bit insulting to sexual assault victims!

As a pp said, you aren't denying him anything, you're not a sex provider, but as it's more a lack of body responsiveness that seems to be creating a block rather than a lot desire for sex or desire for your husband, it might be worth seeing if there is a women's health physio near you who can get more specific on the exercises that might be more helpful or see if there is more of an issue.

Many GPs aren't well trained in this issue and just flog kegels when they're not always the best option - there are multiple options just as there are for other muscles. Online, I found Sarah Duvall's stuff helpful.

I entirely get the desire to do as you did before and frustration/dejection at the body not responding as it used to. Been there, had that, arousal non-concordance is a headfuck. What helped me was essentially going back to basics and treat it as relearning and finding out what my body needs and enjoys now. I got myself really wound up about the lack of responsiveness, so my spouse and I took penetrative sex off the table for a few months and focused on other types of intimacy.

It can be frustrating still at times - my body is far less reliable response wise and it can really mess with my feelings, especially with a spouse who has no issues with that. Sometimes, as other posters said, I have found it easier and more enjoyable just to focus on my spouse and kinda take the pressure off my body to respond physically. I have to be careful not to get into a rut of just doing that or resentment and envy sneaks up on me, but alternating who the focus is can be a tool for dealing with this too.

Could you have a nerve injury if you've lost sensation? I am not sure how this is fixed but hopefully it can be! It's never unreasonable to say no to sex but for the sake of your relationship its worth trying to work on making it enjoyable again. I have to admit I still have less desire for sex now DD is 2.5 but when we do it I do enjoy (its just as great as orgasms are sleep is what my heart wants more)

I had sex with my DH for the first time, 7 months post partum and it was painful and uncomfortable. It did get better and I got my libido back. I think it's quite common not to be feeling it after having a baby and it takes time. I think it's about taking small steps to keep intimacy so you know it's only a temporary thing.

@IceLace100

What's the big deal about giving a partner the occasional handjob? Takes ten mins, keeps him happy, no guilt or internal pressure to have sex until you fancy it again. Chance to physically recover. Can start having sex again whenever you fancy it without it becoming a "big thing" in your own head. Win win.

Just being practical here!

People going on about coercion are being a bit daft. There is no suggestion of coercion from her partner at all. Frankly a bit insulting to sexual assault victims!

It isn't the handjob, it's the suggestion that otherwise you'll be pressured and that if you don't do it you'll have a 'shit relationship' and that your partner may well leave you that made me feel so sad when I read your post. What a shallow basis for a relationship if a few months without sex while one of you recovers from a serious physical trauma might destroy it.

It's not shallow, it's realistic.

People, by a large, and with some exceptions, need sex and/ or sexual contact with their partner to feel happy relaxed and secure in their relationship.

For those people who need sex, if they go without for long period of time (6months ish or more) then they're likely to become resentful, irritable, frustrated etc. If they feel that way it can very easily make a relationship shit because it comes out in their behaviour subconsciously. It can really cause major issues, and lead people to feel disconnected and resentful.

I'm not saying it should be this way. I am saying for a huge number of people it is this way.

If all these problems can be solved by a handjob, which as I have said is quick, easy and stress free, with zero pressure to have a sexual response yourself, then this is just a quick and easy fix.

I don't think this is sad at all! It's actually pretty liberating to think that this is a quick and easy fix to keep a relationship on track in a time where you have low sexual desire.

Assuming he has hands, he can do his own handjob. I am of the opinion that sex between two people should always be for mutual pleasure, i find the idea of servicing anyone abhorrent. But we are all adults and can make that decision for ourselves. Right now the op needs to prioritise herself, and her baby. This isn't just a mysterious case of low libido, it is a direct result of childbirth and any decent dh would be understanding. Doing sexual stuff without desire is unpleasant, and could damage their relationship just as much as abstinence would. Op you might need to push for medical help, doctors, especially male ones don't tend to take this stuff seriously. Assuming there is no medical issue though, things will improve with time. If your dh is kind and patient it will only strengthen your relationship.

I am over 2 years in and prob had sex about 5 times.. i just CBA.. tired all the time and the least sexy person ever.. i just think it is what it is.. hopefully less tired when he's in school.. :)

DH and I haven't had sex for 14 months. I was 20 odd weeks pregnant, had horrific thrush throughout the whole pregnancy and was poorly so he didn't (understandably) want to. Now she's nearly 10 months and we have an older DS - we literally have no idea when to do it, baby is awake til 10 then we are shattered.

I still fancy the pants off him and know it'll come good in the end.

Don't put pressure on yourself.

And just to say, DH and I talk about it a lot and know we will get back on track. We literally just don't have the energy.

What's the big deal about giving a partner the occasional handjob? Takes ten mins, keeps him happy, no guilt or internal pressure to have sex until you fancy it again.

The big deal for me (and my partner) would be that I wouldn't at all be into it because I have zero interest in sex or anything related to sex right now, and my lack of desire would be apparent to him, and consequently he wouldn't enjoy it either. It's not a robotic act you just go through the motions with - it's meant to be mutually enthusiastic and enjoyable. For us, anyway.

Doing sexual stuff without desire is unpleasant, and could damage their relationship just as much as abstinence would.

True, but the OP does have desire though - she said "My libido was raging on that first night out." The decline in desire came after her body was not responsive, arousal non-concordance where she wanted sex emotionally but her body physically didn't follow suit.

I've had that, it's a headfuck to want sex but have no physical response. It can lead to a decrease in desire through clouding emotions around that lack of response. Time can help, and so can getting guidance from a women's health physio, looking to other forms of intimacy to refigure out the body's responses and yes, taking what can feel like pressure to respond - not from the partner but from ourselves - by sometimes focusing on our partners. It's important not to get into only doing that, but it can be a way to ease back into sex when there is a disconnect between emotions and other body responses.

I don't feel coerced or pressured. I like the idea of sex with him, but it isn't doing anything for me :(

My Ds is coming up to 4 and to be honest it wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again! My Dh is very good never pressures me or makes me feel bad for saying no. I do give him the occasional blow job and we are very physically affectionate but very little sex. I want to want sex but I just don't! I do need to go to the doctor about it as it may be due to hormones as I have pcos and am on no hormonal contraception for the first time since 16!