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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deny hubby sex after child birth

112 replies

JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 20:38

Hey . This is a really difficult one and I already feel I am being unreasonable.

We were blessed with our first baby boy back in December. A big healthy boy, >10lb, who is our world.

Hubby and I had a babysitter for my birthday 2 months ago and made love for the first time since J was born. I just felt flat and I didn't feel a thing.

We have tried a few times since but it had got to the point where I have lost interest. At the weekend I was tired and refused him :(.

I have spoken to my Dr who has said I need to keep doing my pelvic floor exercises and give it time.

My Q is, AIBU to reject him just because it does not feel good for me?

OP posts:
Naunet · 12/07/2021 21:43

I know this was aimed at the OP, but thank you - it's helped me too as my situation is very similar with a 3 month old

3 months is no time at all, it’s absolutely natural so please don’t feel like there is anything wrong with you. X

malteserheist · 12/07/2021 21:44

There are other ways to achieve intimacy, closeness, comfort and connection in a relationship. Palliative care organisations commonly advise on this for people with a terminal illness who can't manage or face sex but don't want to lose the connection etc with their partner. It's not radical to say.

Because a) telling a dying person to put out or expect their partner to leave them would be tremendously fucked up and inhumane, and b) it's true that there are other ways to achieve those things. How narrow must your understanding of intimacy be to not be able to contemplate that?

I also wonder if posters consider how coercive they sound when they respond to threads like this with "sure, you don't have to consent to sex, but expect him to leave you if you don't". "Hey, I know you can't have sex due to an injury, but your husband has every right to leave you if you can't 'fix' yourself" (what do people think wedding vows mean? "In sickness and in health unless the sickness means you can't provide sex anymore ").

It's also a very sad and limited perspective on human relationships.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/07/2021 21:44

@JakesMum88

My libido was raging on that first night out. I knew things would feel different after having a baby but I didn't expect to lose all feeling :(. The romance us still there and I never thought I would say this but the physical side make a difference:(
Never, ever have sex if you don't want it emotionally/psychologically.

But, if you do want sex and if you trust your DH to stop the moment you are uncomfortable, then I would gently keep trying.

MeadowHay · 12/07/2021 21:46

We didn't have sex (of any kind/experience) until 9m post-partum and we hadn't had PIV sex since I was about 28 weeks pregnant. DH found this difficult and upsetting but he was never upset with ME and did everything he could to support me. And that first time was a nerve wracking but ultimately positive experience. People saying your husband could leave you because you don't want to have sex when you have given birth less than a year ago are being ridiculous.

CarnationCat · 12/07/2021 21:48

This sounds really hard. You are definitely not unreasonable to refuse sex and shouldn't do it if you don't want to.

Being rebuffed sexually by your partner for a sustained period doesn't usually end well. Saying that though, six months (if your DS was born in December) is not a massive amount of time in the grand scheme of things. I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a serious conversation about how you're feeling. He should be supporting you. If your sex drive doesn't return, I think it could be unfair to continue the relationship.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 21:50

They say sex is better after you’ve had a child but you need to give yourself time and your body is probably telling you you’re not ready yet.
Just talk to him about it and say it feels uncomfortable. Could you do other stuff instead of penetrative sex right now?

skodadoda · 12/07/2021 21:51

@chickenninja

It's really common to lose your libido when you've got a baby, especially if you are breastfeeding. They say it's mother natures contraception.
I agree. Give it time and patience. It will return but try not to let it turn into a huge problem.
Aprilx · 12/07/2021 21:52

No of course YANBU!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/07/2021 21:52

Are you bf at all because honestly it's like it switches everything off.

Sunnysidestreet · 12/07/2021 21:53

It took me a long time to want sex again after a baby and longer still to actually enjoy it again. Everything I used to like felt different and yes, not as good for a long time. December is really not that long ago. You aren’t “denying” your husband, you don’t owe him sex. In a few weeks (or maybe months), your libido will start to come back and if you have kept the communication and connection going this will probably just feel like a blip. But if you shut him out now he may well feel hurt and rejected and that is harder to come back from, I think.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/07/2021 21:55

You are never obliged to have sex when you don't want it.

Do you think your dh would want to have sex with a partner who wasn't enjoying it? No decent man would.

me4real · 12/07/2021 21:57

YANBU. No one should have sex of any kind when they don't want it. xx

Yummymummy2020 · 12/07/2021 22:02

You are not unreasonable, he needs to wait till you are ready and you need to give yourself some grace!

Sapphire387 · 12/07/2021 22:05

Have you tried other kinds of sexual activity together? Perhaps that might work better than PIV right now.

Hardbackwriter · 12/07/2021 22:05

I was so worried about this after my first baby. I found that I'd lost my ability to orgasm (which really, really upset me) and that I had no libido. I thought that would be it for the rest of my life, which was a devastating thought. Very soon after I stopped breastfeeding both the physical sensation and the desire came back.

This time (I have a 5 month old) I feel exactly the same but much more relaxed about it, and DH and I talk about it much more openly because we both know that this is - like so much of the relentlessness of the baby stage - a bit tough right now but temporary and it will last a very brief period of time in the grand scheme of things. We have had sex a handful of times and it's actually much more enjoyable knowing that this isn't a 'test' of how enjoyable it will be long-term, if that makes sense, and so being able to enjoy the intimacy in and of itself.

I do think there should be more honesty about how breastfeeding can (I know it doesn't for every woman) affect sex lives - like many of the downsides of breastfeeding there's a widespread pretence that it doesn't exist in case it puts women off. I had no idea that my inability to orgasm or the fact that sex felt painful could be hormonal - I assumed it was physical trauma from the birth and when it was still there six months on I thought it would be permanent - but they both disappeared within weeks of stopping breastfeeding.

VestaTilley · 12/07/2021 22:07

What? You don’t owe him sex. Of course you can refuse! It’s your body, he doesn’t have a right to access it.

Coerced sex is rape. Please never ever have sex you don’t want. It’s completely reasonable not to- particularly when you’ve recently had a baby.

eurochick · 12/07/2021 22:11

I had zero libido when I was expressing milk. I could feel the hormones adjusting and it coming back in the couple of weeks after I stopped.

Awkwardispute · 12/07/2021 22:13

YANBU in the slightest OP.

I'm probably in the minority here but I don't think sex is the be all and end all, if you're struggling then he can always use his hand! I'm possibly biased as I've felt the same as you do after both of my children.

I'm pregnant with our third now so let that give you hope that there is a way back, so to speak.

Regarding the lack of sensation when you have sex..

When OH and I did the deed for the first time after DC2 I couldn't feel a bloody thing. Whatsoever. It turns out I had a prolapse and some nerve damage, i still have the (mostly asymptomatic) prolapse but I can feel everything again now.

It might be worth asking to have this investigated, if your GP is fobbing you off and saying just do your pelvic floors then say you would like a referral to women's health to investigate why you have this problem.

All the best to you.

Original poster
JakesMum88 · 12/07/2021 22:14

@Sapphire387

Have you tried other kinds of sexual activity together? Perhaps that might work better than PIV right now.
@toocold54 said similar, and I think this is a good question. After such a long time perhaps we were to eager to go straight to PIV.

I really want to rekindle the passion, perhaps we enjoy the other things and try PIV in time.

Do you find pelvic floor exercise a good long term solution?

OP posts:
Awkwardispute · 12/07/2021 22:15

@VestaTilley

What? You don’t owe him sex. Of course you can refuse! It’s your body, he doesn’t have a right to access it.

Coerced sex is rape. Please never ever have sex you don’t want. It’s completely reasonable not to- particularly when you’ve recently had a baby.

Also, this in abundance! ^

Don't force yourself to have sex you don't want, that will kill your relationship stone dead much quicker than anything else.

goddessofmischief · 12/07/2021 22:16

@RosesandPumpkins

I know this isn’t the given advice but when I was in this situation with my much loved DH. I still dtd despite not getting much out of it. I did it for him to meet his needs. My libido slowly came back but it took a while.

I’m not saying this is right in your situation. And I’m likely to be flamed for it. But in the same way we will go to a steak restaurant when I’m not a fan of steak or watch an action film that I’m not into. I do it because I value my partner.

He also does shit he doesn’t like for me btw like go to see a film he’s not into or eat meat free.

This is an awful thing to pass on as advice. So what if he ate something meat free? So what if he watched something he didn't choose? You think that's comparable to letting him use your body for his benefit? Have some self worth. Don't pass that on like it's okay. It's not.
Deadringer · 12/07/2021 22:20

You are not 'denying' him anything, you are not a service provider. Things will improve and when you are ready sex will be great again, imo much better than pre kids. A few months is nothing in a long, loving marriage.

Ohpulltheotherone · 12/07/2021 22:21

OP this is totally normal, it can take quite a while to get things back after a baby.

I would say for the first few months I wasn’t absolutely loving it - I loved the closeness but the actual activity was a bit…. empty?

We waited about 4 months after my first and we started by just having a bit of relaxed cuddling and kissing and just worked up to it. I will say it realistically took another 4-6 months to feel a bit more satisfying. And probably by about a year it felt almost back to the way it was before.

It takes time, you can’t expect it all to be the same after pregnancy and childbirth!

Be kind to yourself and talk to your husband, make sure he knows that you fancy him and love him and that you just want to take things slowly whilst your body adjusts. There’s nothing wrong with you - totally normal Flowers

PurpleOkapi · 12/07/2021 22:57

Are you morally obligated to provide him sex? No.

Is he morally obligated to remain in a sexless relationship? Also no.

Are choices and their natural consequences the same thing as coercion and rape? No, that's insane. It's also offensive to both women who choose to have unenjoyable sex, and actual rape survivors.

IceLace100 · 13/07/2021 00:09

I might get flamed for this... but I'd honestly just give him a blowy / hand job every now and then.

It's not much hard work. Keeps him happy and there's less pressure on you.

And frankly it easier than having a shit relationship with the risk of him leaving with a small baby.

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